So much for good intentions...
Almost a month ago, in my last post, I wrote about how I was going to be looking out so much more for myself. I don't know who I was trying to fool, me or you, faithful reader. Probably you, because I already know how I can fool myself into thinking I have made "tremendous strides" in my personal growth, only to get smacked upside the head by reality.
Instead, I have put back on ALL of the 25 lbs I had lost, and probably more(although it was over a period of about 5 months, instead of just the one month). I have spent way too many hours sleeping (16 hrs one day), and i have self medicated with pain pills, muscle relaxers, and alcohol, all at the same time. Smart girl, huh??? And even tho I have been going to a counselor almost every other week, do I share any of that with HER?? NO!!! I talk about fluff, and never mention the deep stuff...like my dad being in the hospital for over two weeks now, with some stupid lung & mucus membrane infection that is SUPPOSED to last only about 3 days. This is on top of the pneumonia he can't seem to shake, made worse by the fact that he has emphysema and only about 3/4 of one lung.
I hang out sometimes in Madison, and can occasionally trick myself into thinking that I am a part of the crowd, and that I fit in. But like now, feeling alone and apart, a part of me wants to go to Madison and hang out at my favorite spot, yet I am not willing to be alone in a crowd, esp with the drive home afterward.
So, here I am, on Friday night, sitting home alone and drinking, eating enough chinese food for 3-4 people. And tho I have met a really great person, who I have a lot in common with, I cannot talk to him about any of this, because I don't want to burden him. He has enough issues of his own to deal with, MUCH more serious than I have...a sister with cancer, recovering from a nasty divorce, not to mention just everyday life. And tho he talks about "being in the moment", I don't know that the negativity that I am in for the moment is anything to share.
I guess I am thinking it is too soon in the relationship to share the negativity, esp when he already has a plateful. He does manage to keep up such a wonderfully positive attitude, in spite of all that is going on in his life. But I would like to help him with his burden, as well as share mine with him. Since patience hasn't ever been one of my virtues, I need to work hard at it, and just give things time. Hopefully, we will continue to grow closer, and eventually be able to share our tough times as well as positive ones.
And now I resume my evening home alone in front of the sci-fi channel.
Instead, I have put back on ALL of the 25 lbs I had lost, and probably more(although it was over a period of about 5 months, instead of just the one month). I have spent way too many hours sleeping (16 hrs one day), and i have self medicated with pain pills, muscle relaxers, and alcohol, all at the same time. Smart girl, huh??? And even tho I have been going to a counselor almost every other week, do I share any of that with HER?? NO!!! I talk about fluff, and never mention the deep stuff...like my dad being in the hospital for over two weeks now, with some stupid lung & mucus membrane infection that is SUPPOSED to last only about 3 days. This is on top of the pneumonia he can't seem to shake, made worse by the fact that he has emphysema and only about 3/4 of one lung.
I hang out sometimes in Madison, and can occasionally trick myself into thinking that I am a part of the crowd, and that I fit in. But like now, feeling alone and apart, a part of me wants to go to Madison and hang out at my favorite spot, yet I am not willing to be alone in a crowd, esp with the drive home afterward.
So, here I am, on Friday night, sitting home alone and drinking, eating enough chinese food for 3-4 people. And tho I have met a really great person, who I have a lot in common with, I cannot talk to him about any of this, because I don't want to burden him. He has enough issues of his own to deal with, MUCH more serious than I have...a sister with cancer, recovering from a nasty divorce, not to mention just everyday life. And tho he talks about "being in the moment", I don't know that the negativity that I am in for the moment is anything to share.
I guess I am thinking it is too soon in the relationship to share the negativity, esp when he already has a plateful. He does manage to keep up such a wonderfully positive attitude, in spite of all that is going on in his life. But I would like to help him with his burden, as well as share mine with him. Since patience hasn't ever been one of my virtues, I need to work hard at it, and just give things time. Hopefully, we will continue to grow closer, and eventually be able to share our tough times as well as positive ones.
And now I resume my evening home alone in front of the sci-fi channel.