Crack News - SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
Title: Crack News - SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
#6 Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
#7 Max Changmin owns WeenyHat.com?
#8 Kim Jaejoong Arrested When Police Discover Boner
SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
No matter how hard we try, no camera can catch a YunJae kiss, not even the Chinese time traveling ones.
Since we’ve last reported, the Dong Bang world has been turned upside down and all around. First, after we published that Weeny Hats were made by Jung Yunho, WeenyHat.com’s sales skyrocketed and in a few short days the company has earned nearly 4 billion won! (Approximately $3.4 million U.S. dollars). Wowzers!! That’s a lot of warm wieners.
We speculate that Shim Changmin is rolling around in a giant stack of money while his kind, slow nemesis, Kim Junsu, is grieving the loss of his first television role. After two full days of filming, the production company for Box in the Sheep announced that sheep are horrible guides for the blind and that the show has been permanently put on hiatus. But while Junsu may be licking his wounds, Babs has already signed a four movie contract with Mega Movie Studio, Korea’s biggest movie studio.
But the real news is from Seoul’s Middle Earth Court where Jung Yunho’s lawsuit for joint custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis was finally heard before a judge earlier today. All five TVXQ members went to the courthouse this morning in support, even Changmin who is no longer handcuffed to Yunho (we knew you could do it boys!). This was supposed to be a quick and simple lawsuit, but when SM Entertainment slapped down an injunction, things got messy in a hurry.
SM appeared before the judge, claiming they owned the rights to Kim Jaejoong’s penis. The well hated company entered TVXQ’s contract into evidence, highlighting the line, all TVXQ members are the property of SM Entertainment.
Legal representation for SM claims that the word member is open to interpretation and includes the actual members (Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu) as well as their genitals. A gasp was heard in the courtroom and some people claim they saw Park Yoochun crying when SM interfered.
“Yoochun oppa hunched over and put his arms around his head. You could see that he was quietly sobbing, because his body shook,” said a Kim Jaejoong fan, who was holding a paper cut out penis on a stick in support of the lawsuit that said let oppa suck it.
The judge took a fifteen minute recess to review the contract then came back and heard Jung Yunho’s case. Yunho stood before the court and described how having joint custody would allow him much needed time with his boyfriend. He went on to say, “some people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what about the penis? Both Jaejoong and I have suffered penis injuries since being forced apart by Jaejoong’s lawsuit.” He then went on to describe Jaejoong’s penis in great detail for twenty minutes of my life that I can never get back.
After Jung Yunho’s long winded testimony, Kim Jaejoong was allowed to speak before the court. “I feel bad for making my boyfriend suffer due to my lawsuit against SM, so I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest that Yunho has joint custody of my penis.” The judge, however, did not hear anything Jaejoong said as he had his fingers in his ears the entire time. Later, after the verdict was decided, the judge admitted that he was afraid Jaejoong would unleash his siren’s call on him and had to protect himself for the sanctity of the legal system.
A SM representative then stood up and was pelted in the back of the head with a Weeny Hat full of rice. After demanding to know who had thrown the offending penile sweater, the rep addressed the judge and made a case for SM. “Your honor, SM would also like to submit a request for compensation of damages. When Kim Jaejoong injured his penis, he was vandalizing SM property. We request damages in the amount of 600,000 won (approximately $509 U.S. dollars).”
And that’s when shit hit the fan. Kim Jaejoong stood up and screamed like the hot chick running for her life in a horror movie but you totally know she’s about to die so you look away and hope she’ll stop screaming. “My penis is worth WAY more than that!” Jaejoong objected. While guards restrained the flailing TVXQ member, men and women in the court room audience started holding up signs with dollar amounts on them, bidding for Jaejoong’s cock.
Due to all the commotion, the judge ordered a one hour lunch break. Totally Fake Crack News tried to keep up with the five TVXQ members, but they disappeared into the chaos. We staked out the courthouse bathroom in hopes of catching YunJae having sex, but they had completely vanished.
We were very worried that they wouldn’t show up for the second part of the trial, but they entered and sat down right as the judge returned with a verdict. The judge, wearing noise cancelling earphones, announced that due to the way the contract was written, the court must award SM full custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis.
While the audience cried out in dismay, both Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho appeared calm. Thinking I’d be the hottest shit on the internet, I snapped a quick photo of Jaejoong and uploaded it to the web with my cell phone seconds after the judge announced his decision, but by the time I got online, a Chinese fan site already had my photo and a full description of the ruling posted with seventeen comments. Deciding it was best not to disturb the time-space continuum (and the mind boggling abilities of the Chinese fans), I shut my phone right in time to witness the most jaw dropping news of this whole fiasco.
Police marched into the court room and arrested the SM executives!
Officer Seong spoke with the press after the SM executives were handcuffed. “We were recently notified that the contract between TVXQ and SM Entertainment is illegal. It is against the law to own another person. Due to the way the contract was written and SM’s own statements in court today, it is clear that the entertainment company believes that the TVXQ members, um, the boys, not their penises, are their slaves.” He went on to say that they were charging all upper level executives with illegal ownership of a human being, which carries jail time if they are found guilty.
Fans, media, the members and the janitor who happened to be cleaning the judge’s gavel, all cheered in celebration. Jung Yunho swung Kim Jaejoong into his arms and kissed him in front of everyone, making the hearts of fangirls everywhere melt (and freakishly, the Chinese fan site had pics of their kiss up before they actually kissed. IDK, they’re some effing time traveling ninjas or something).
Much to everyone’s surprise (not) Yoochun was seen sandwiched between Changmin and Junsu, a hand shoved down both of their pants. We’d tell you more, but we’re a respectable news source that is dedicated to keeping it clean, that’s why we recommend Shove it in My Ass lube, a super slippery lube that paid us a heap of money to tell you all about it.
Is the TVXQ drama over? We doubt it, so stay tuned as we continue to dig into the Weeny Hat mystery and hide from the Chinese fans that already posted tomorrow’s article that I haven’t even written yet. WTF!?
**This article brought to you by Shove it in My Ass all purpose ass lube for “when you really want to get fucked.”
a/n: The next chapter will be the last one, I hope you've all enjoyed Crack News! Merry Christmas!!!
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
#6 Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
#7 Max Changmin owns WeenyHat.com?
#8 Kim Jaejoong Arrested When Police Discover Boner
SM Files Injunction in Yunho/Jaejoong Custody Case
No matter how hard we try, no camera can catch a YunJae kiss, not even the Chinese time traveling ones.
Since we’ve last reported, the Dong Bang world has been turned upside down and all around. First, after we published that Weeny Hats were made by Jung Yunho, WeenyHat.com’s sales skyrocketed and in a few short days the company has earned nearly 4 billion won! (Approximately $3.4 million U.S. dollars). Wowzers!! That’s a lot of warm wieners.
We speculate that Shim Changmin is rolling around in a giant stack of money while his kind, slow nemesis, Kim Junsu, is grieving the loss of his first television role. After two full days of filming, the production company for Box in the Sheep announced that sheep are horrible guides for the blind and that the show has been permanently put on hiatus. But while Junsu may be licking his wounds, Babs has already signed a four movie contract with Mega Movie Studio, Korea’s biggest movie studio.
But the real news is from Seoul’s Middle Earth Court where Jung Yunho’s lawsuit for joint custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis was finally heard before a judge earlier today. All five TVXQ members went to the courthouse this morning in support, even Changmin who is no longer handcuffed to Yunho (we knew you could do it boys!). This was supposed to be a quick and simple lawsuit, but when SM Entertainment slapped down an injunction, things got messy in a hurry.
SM appeared before the judge, claiming they owned the rights to Kim Jaejoong’s penis. The well hated company entered TVXQ’s contract into evidence, highlighting the line, all TVXQ members are the property of SM Entertainment.
Legal representation for SM claims that the word member is open to interpretation and includes the actual members (Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu) as well as their genitals. A gasp was heard in the courtroom and some people claim they saw Park Yoochun crying when SM interfered.
“Yoochun oppa hunched over and put his arms around his head. You could see that he was quietly sobbing, because his body shook,” said a Kim Jaejoong fan, who was holding a paper cut out penis on a stick in support of the lawsuit that said let oppa suck it.
The judge took a fifteen minute recess to review the contract then came back and heard Jung Yunho’s case. Yunho stood before the court and described how having joint custody would allow him much needed time with his boyfriend. He went on to say, “some people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what about the penis? Both Jaejoong and I have suffered penis injuries since being forced apart by Jaejoong’s lawsuit.” He then went on to describe Jaejoong’s penis in great detail for twenty minutes of my life that I can never get back.
After Jung Yunho’s long winded testimony, Kim Jaejoong was allowed to speak before the court. “I feel bad for making my boyfriend suffer due to my lawsuit against SM, so I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest that Yunho has joint custody of my penis.” The judge, however, did not hear anything Jaejoong said as he had his fingers in his ears the entire time. Later, after the verdict was decided, the judge admitted that he was afraid Jaejoong would unleash his siren’s call on him and had to protect himself for the sanctity of the legal system.
A SM representative then stood up and was pelted in the back of the head with a Weeny Hat full of rice. After demanding to know who had thrown the offending penile sweater, the rep addressed the judge and made a case for SM. “Your honor, SM would also like to submit a request for compensation of damages. When Kim Jaejoong injured his penis, he was vandalizing SM property. We request damages in the amount of 600,000 won (approximately $509 U.S. dollars).”
And that’s when shit hit the fan. Kim Jaejoong stood up and screamed like the hot chick running for her life in a horror movie but you totally know she’s about to die so you look away and hope she’ll stop screaming. “My penis is worth WAY more than that!” Jaejoong objected. While guards restrained the flailing TVXQ member, men and women in the court room audience started holding up signs with dollar amounts on them, bidding for Jaejoong’s cock.
Due to all the commotion, the judge ordered a one hour lunch break. Totally Fake Crack News tried to keep up with the five TVXQ members, but they disappeared into the chaos. We staked out the courthouse bathroom in hopes of catching YunJae having sex, but they had completely vanished.
We were very worried that they wouldn’t show up for the second part of the trial, but they entered and sat down right as the judge returned with a verdict. The judge, wearing noise cancelling earphones, announced that due to the way the contract was written, the court must award SM full custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis.
While the audience cried out in dismay, both Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho appeared calm. Thinking I’d be the hottest shit on the internet, I snapped a quick photo of Jaejoong and uploaded it to the web with my cell phone seconds after the judge announced his decision, but by the time I got online, a Chinese fan site already had my photo and a full description of the ruling posted with seventeen comments. Deciding it was best not to disturb the time-space continuum (and the mind boggling abilities of the Chinese fans), I shut my phone right in time to witness the most jaw dropping news of this whole fiasco.
Police marched into the court room and arrested the SM executives!
Officer Seong spoke with the press after the SM executives were handcuffed. “We were recently notified that the contract between TVXQ and SM Entertainment is illegal. It is against the law to own another person. Due to the way the contract was written and SM’s own statements in court today, it is clear that the entertainment company believes that the TVXQ members, um, the boys, not their penises, are their slaves.” He went on to say that they were charging all upper level executives with illegal ownership of a human being, which carries jail time if they are found guilty.
Fans, media, the members and the janitor who happened to be cleaning the judge’s gavel, all cheered in celebration. Jung Yunho swung Kim Jaejoong into his arms and kissed him in front of everyone, making the hearts of fangirls everywhere melt (and freakishly, the Chinese fan site had pics of their kiss up before they actually kissed. IDK, they’re some effing time traveling ninjas or something).
Much to everyone’s surprise (not) Yoochun was seen sandwiched between Changmin and Junsu, a hand shoved down both of their pants. We’d tell you more, but we’re a respectable news source that is dedicated to keeping it clean, that’s why we recommend Shove it in My Ass lube, a super slippery lube that paid us a heap of money to tell you all about it.
Is the TVXQ drama over? We doubt it, so stay tuned as we continue to dig into the Weeny Hat mystery and hide from the Chinese fans that already posted tomorrow’s article that I haven’t even written yet. WTF!?
**This article brought to you by Shove it in My Ass all purpose ass lube for “when you really want to get fucked.”
a/n: The next chapter will be the last one, I hope you've all enjoyed Crack News! Merry Christmas!!!