Crack News - Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
Title: Crack News - Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
Junsu signing Jaejoong's cast. Jaejoong is in the plaid shirt.
Kim Jaejoong fans were beside themselves this morning when Kim Junsu butted to the front of the line, stealing one of the ten coveted chances to sign the penis cast. Totally Fake Crack News was there to snap pictures and boy did Junsu look excited!
Kim Jaejoong was laughing so hard that he had to grab Junsu’s head to steady himself as the eager TVXQ member drew petals around the top, framing the head of the penis to look like a flower. Junsu then pulled a tiny pink hat out of his pocket and affixed it over the head of Jaejoong’s penis, saying he was worried about it being exposed to the cold winter weather and that it looked a little chapped.
After he finished, Junsu stood up and said, “I knit the hat myself. It was leftover yarn that I used to knit a sweater for the sheep I sponsor, Babs. Please donate to Little Bo Peeps of Korea, because our fine woolen friends need love too!” He then went on to say that he had started a knitting club and was looking for volunteers to help knit sweaters.
His new club, Knit Wit Me, will be showcased on a morning show later this week where Junsu and his sponsored sheep, Babs, will make an appearance and show viewers at home just how fast and easy it is to knit a sweater. It is rumored that Jung Yunho taught Junsu how to knit and that he has been invited to appear on the show, but there has been no confirmation yet as we are still waiting to hear from his entertainment company, S&M, on whether he will be allowed to attend.
Reports of Jung Yunho being rushed to the hospital for anaphylaxis shock surfaced this morning. One of the TVXQ managers was interviewed as he exited the hospital saying, “Yunho is okay, it was a false alarm. His penis swelled to twice its normal size and because of a possible peanut allergy, he was brought in last night. After an overnight stay, the doctors have concluded that the swelling was not from an allergic reaction, but from overuse of a penis size enhancement pump. We’ve confiscated the device so fans can rest assured that this won’t happen again. Thanks to this embarrassing situation, we were able to get Yunho tested and are happy to announce that he does not have an allergy to peanuts. We have, however, banned all SM employees, staff and artists from eating peanut butter, purchasing it or being in possession of it. We request that the fans respect our new policy and refrain from sending in jars of peanut butter since will have to destroy them.”
Hospital staff confirmed that Shim Changmin sat by Yunho’s bedside all night with a laptop, updating information on the Junsu is a Whore fan café. A flower delivery man said, “Changmin and Yunho were handcuffed together, but Changmin was using both hands to type so Yunho’s arm was hanging off the bed like a wet noodle.”
Jung Yunho fans, who have been relatively quiet since he announced he was suing for joint custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis, are organizing a peaceful sit-in tomorrow in front of SM’s Seoul office in hopes that SM will retract their request to keep Yunho handcuffed to Changmin.
Ms. Yu posted that they were worried about Yunho’s safety now that he was chained to the youngest TVXQ member. “We love Changmin oppa as well, but he’s been angry recently and we’re afraid he will take it out on Yunho oppa. We have pictures of Changmin oppa dragging Yunho oppa down Yoochun oppa’s street last night, but we have decided not to post them online because Yunho oppa looks like a street hooker being kidnapped.”
Thank you Ms. Yu for that “oppa” overloaded story. We here at Totally Fake Crack News certainly feel for Jung Yunho now.
After Kim Jaejoong’s successful cast signing, we received a call from a fan in Fan Town, alerting us that several threads popped up a few days ago when Park Yoohwan (Yoochun’s younger brother) was spotted depositing a human shaped lump on to the back of his bike late at night, but that fans have left the matter alone because it did not seem to concern his elder brother.
Park Yoohwan was seen hanging out with friends and drinking a Slurpee at 7-11 earlier this evening. When questioned about this rumor, he stuck out his bright blue tongue and waggled it at reporters. Then in English, he said “I’m a robot ninja captain.” We are still waiting on translators to let us know what that means.
Reporters flooded onto Park Yoochun’s steps after hearing the rumor, but groaned when he came outside with his portable karaoke machine and started singing that he’d kissed a boy again. After he sang his version of the song six times, he said, “I have kissed both Junsu and Changmin.”
While reporters shouted out questions about his announcement and the Yoohwan rumor, Yoochun packed up his karaoke machine and went back inside. A clever reporter knocked on the door a few minutes later, tricking Yoochun (when he asked who's there over the intercom) by saying he was a pizza delivery man. When Yoochun opened the door, the reporter asked him if he was dating Junsu or Changmin or both.
“I can’t answer that, but I can say that I’m deeply exploring my options…very, very deeply…” Yoochun then wiped the drool from his mouth and shut the door.
A sudden rise of JaeSu fans emerged later in the day when pictures of Jaejoong’s hands on Junsu’s head were cropped to make the innocent photo look more explicit than it really was. Kim Jaejoong uploaded personal pictures to the PB & Jae website this evening. All of his photos were of him in the mirror, getting ready before the fan signing. He wrote on the site, “I miss you Yunho. Can’t wait for you to suck my cock again.”
We contacted Jaejoong’s friends and family to ask if there was some weird explanation for what he had written (like the Mr. Winkles and Mr. Pickels and his Christmas stocking gifts explanations) but they seemed annoyed by our questions. One of his male friends said, “are you stupid? He wants Yunho to suck his cock. It’s pretty clear, don’t you think?”
Good reporters check their facts, so thank you angry Jaejoong friend for clarifying so we can report the news accurately. Sorry JaeSu fans, it seems that Jaejoong is waiting for Yunho.
Thanks to Kim Junsu’s grand idea, “knit penis hats” was the #1 searched for term today on Korean search engines. WeenyHat.com popped up this afternoon and is already taking orders, but has a disclaimer saying that all proceeds will be kept for personal profit and that the company is not associated with the charity Little Bo Peeps of Korea or Kim Junsu.
Totally Fake Crack News ordered one for investigative purposes (and because our boss sits on the toilet a lot and we think he may need to keep his wiener warm since the bathroom is not heated). We’re looking forward to what tomorrow brings as this TVXQ saga continues to unfold. Stay tuned!
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
#5 Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
Junsu is First in Line to Sign Jaejoong’s Cast
Junsu signing Jaejoong's cast. Jaejoong is in the plaid shirt.
Kim Jaejoong fans were beside themselves this morning when Kim Junsu butted to the front of the line, stealing one of the ten coveted chances to sign the penis cast. Totally Fake Crack News was there to snap pictures and boy did Junsu look excited!
Kim Jaejoong was laughing so hard that he had to grab Junsu’s head to steady himself as the eager TVXQ member drew petals around the top, framing the head of the penis to look like a flower. Junsu then pulled a tiny pink hat out of his pocket and affixed it over the head of Jaejoong’s penis, saying he was worried about it being exposed to the cold winter weather and that it looked a little chapped.
After he finished, Junsu stood up and said, “I knit the hat myself. It was leftover yarn that I used to knit a sweater for the sheep I sponsor, Babs. Please donate to Little Bo Peeps of Korea, because our fine woolen friends need love too!” He then went on to say that he had started a knitting club and was looking for volunteers to help knit sweaters.
His new club, Knit Wit Me, will be showcased on a morning show later this week where Junsu and his sponsored sheep, Babs, will make an appearance and show viewers at home just how fast and easy it is to knit a sweater. It is rumored that Jung Yunho taught Junsu how to knit and that he has been invited to appear on the show, but there has been no confirmation yet as we are still waiting to hear from his entertainment company, S&M, on whether he will be allowed to attend.
Reports of Jung Yunho being rushed to the hospital for anaphylaxis shock surfaced this morning. One of the TVXQ managers was interviewed as he exited the hospital saying, “Yunho is okay, it was a false alarm. His penis swelled to twice its normal size and because of a possible peanut allergy, he was brought in last night. After an overnight stay, the doctors have concluded that the swelling was not from an allergic reaction, but from overuse of a penis size enhancement pump. We’ve confiscated the device so fans can rest assured that this won’t happen again. Thanks to this embarrassing situation, we were able to get Yunho tested and are happy to announce that he does not have an allergy to peanuts. We have, however, banned all SM employees, staff and artists from eating peanut butter, purchasing it or being in possession of it. We request that the fans respect our new policy and refrain from sending in jars of peanut butter since will have to destroy them.”
Hospital staff confirmed that Shim Changmin sat by Yunho’s bedside all night with a laptop, updating information on the Junsu is a Whore fan café. A flower delivery man said, “Changmin and Yunho were handcuffed together, but Changmin was using both hands to type so Yunho’s arm was hanging off the bed like a wet noodle.”
Jung Yunho fans, who have been relatively quiet since he announced he was suing for joint custody of Kim Jaejoong’s penis, are organizing a peaceful sit-in tomorrow in front of SM’s Seoul office in hopes that SM will retract their request to keep Yunho handcuffed to Changmin.
Ms. Yu posted that they were worried about Yunho’s safety now that he was chained to the youngest TVXQ member. “We love Changmin oppa as well, but he’s been angry recently and we’re afraid he will take it out on Yunho oppa. We have pictures of Changmin oppa dragging Yunho oppa down Yoochun oppa’s street last night, but we have decided not to post them online because Yunho oppa looks like a street hooker being kidnapped.”
Thank you Ms. Yu for that “oppa” overloaded story. We here at Totally Fake Crack News certainly feel for Jung Yunho now.
After Kim Jaejoong’s successful cast signing, we received a call from a fan in Fan Town, alerting us that several threads popped up a few days ago when Park Yoohwan (Yoochun’s younger brother) was spotted depositing a human shaped lump on to the back of his bike late at night, but that fans have left the matter alone because it did not seem to concern his elder brother.
Park Yoohwan was seen hanging out with friends and drinking a Slurpee at 7-11 earlier this evening. When questioned about this rumor, he stuck out his bright blue tongue and waggled it at reporters. Then in English, he said “I’m a robot ninja captain.” We are still waiting on translators to let us know what that means.
Reporters flooded onto Park Yoochun’s steps after hearing the rumor, but groaned when he came outside with his portable karaoke machine and started singing that he’d kissed a boy again. After he sang his version of the song six times, he said, “I have kissed both Junsu and Changmin.”
While reporters shouted out questions about his announcement and the Yoohwan rumor, Yoochun packed up his karaoke machine and went back inside. A clever reporter knocked on the door a few minutes later, tricking Yoochun (when he asked who's there over the intercom) by saying he was a pizza delivery man. When Yoochun opened the door, the reporter asked him if he was dating Junsu or Changmin or both.
“I can’t answer that, but I can say that I’m deeply exploring my options…very, very deeply…” Yoochun then wiped the drool from his mouth and shut the door.
A sudden rise of JaeSu fans emerged later in the day when pictures of Jaejoong’s hands on Junsu’s head were cropped to make the innocent photo look more explicit than it really was. Kim Jaejoong uploaded personal pictures to the PB & Jae website this evening. All of his photos were of him in the mirror, getting ready before the fan signing. He wrote on the site, “I miss you Yunho. Can’t wait for you to suck my cock again.”
We contacted Jaejoong’s friends and family to ask if there was some weird explanation for what he had written (like the Mr. Winkles and Mr. Pickels and his Christmas stocking gifts explanations) but they seemed annoyed by our questions. One of his male friends said, “are you stupid? He wants Yunho to suck his cock. It’s pretty clear, don’t you think?”
Good reporters check their facts, so thank you angry Jaejoong friend for clarifying so we can report the news accurately. Sorry JaeSu fans, it seems that Jaejoong is waiting for Yunho.
Thanks to Kim Junsu’s grand idea, “knit penis hats” was the #1 searched for term today on Korean search engines. WeenyHat.com popped up this afternoon and is already taking orders, but has a disclaimer saying that all proceeds will be kept for personal profit and that the company is not associated with the charity Little Bo Peeps of Korea or Kim Junsu.
Totally Fake Crack News ordered one for investigative purposes (and because our boss sits on the toilet a lot and we think he may need to keep his wiener warm since the bathroom is not heated). We’re looking forward to what tomorrow brings as this TVXQ saga continues to unfold. Stay tuned!