Crack News - Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
Title: Crack News - Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
All our film froze from Yoochun's mini-press con, so we went with this stunning photo instead.
With the other four members of TVXQ making recent headlines with their personal lives, it comes as no shock that Park Yoochun is finally coming out of his cave with news of his own. Totally Fake Crack News received a tip yesterday from Fan Town, the community of tents that Yoochun fans erected in front of his Seoul home. Word was that Yoochun was getting ready to make a public statement, but wanted to do so from the steps of his home.
Media assembled around the perimeter of his home early this morning even though the temperature dropped into the low 20s (-5 Celsius). Fans braving the cold in Fan Town offered hot coffee and donuts to the media, elevating the level of respect reporters have for idol fans from negative fourteen to zero.
At approximately 8:30am, Yoochun emerged from his home and appeared shocked to see the swarm of people anxiously awaiting his big news. He pranced around for a few minutes, pretending not to see the three hundred people gawking at him, before finally pulling out a portable karaoke machine and plugging it in to use as a makeshift microphone.
“Is this on? Can you hear me?” Yoochun started his announcement by tapping the cheap mic while fans clapped vigorously. After he realized how to turn the volume up, he spoke with great authority when he said, “I kissed a boy.” He then went on to say, “and I liked it.”
As expected, a gasp erupted from crowd and a handful of girls reportedly fainted and were used as stepping stools for shorter, still conscious girls who wanted a better view. Before you start an angry rant about the victimized girls, we received notice that all eighteen of them are fine and excited to be inducted into the TVXQ Fan Fainting Hall of Fame, which is quite prestigious as only 6,541 girls have earned the honor thus far.
After his statement, Park Yoochun answered questions from the media. One reporter asked him if he had kissed one of his fellow members. Yoochun’s response was, “no, I have not kissed anyone’s member.”
The reporter asked the question again, speaking more slowly to be better understood. “Forgive me, Mr. Park, I was asking if the boy you kissed was one of your fellow TVXQ members, like Kim Junsu or Shim Changmin?”
Park Yoochun smiled and also spoke more slowly. “I. Have. Not. Kissed. Anyone’s. Member. You. Fucking. Pervert.”
Fans clapped again, for what reason the media does not know, until a different reporter stepped up to ask a question. Ms. WooHoo (we think she’s from Whoville) bowed to Mr. Park before thrusting her professional grade microphone into his face and asked, “there’s a rumor going around that you and Shim Changmin were lovers, but now you are shagging Kim Junsu. Is this true?”
“Kim Junsu does not have shag. He trims just like the rest of us, well, except for Yunho, I’m sure he’s shaving it all off right now. Peanut butter is a bitch to get out of pubic hair,” Yoochun had said, silencing the crowd with his colorful response that in no way shape or form answered the Whoville reporter’s question. But he went on to say, “I’m a celebrity, or so Jaejoong tells me, and I’ve been advised to be vague and funny when doing interviews. So all I can say is that I’m writing my memoirs and it will answer all your questions in a vague and funny way, so please leave your questions in this box here and I’ll get right on that.”
Park Yoochun’s mother then came out of the house with a large cardboard box (wrapped in gold lame' wrapping paper) and set it on the steps. Thinking that the mini-press conference was over, the media started to put away their cameras, but were surprised when Yoochun’s mother pressed a button on the karaoke machine and Yoochun broke into song and dance.
Singing a modified version I Kissed a Girl by American pop star Katy Perry, Park Yoochun wailed on and on that yes indeed, he kissed a boy and he liked it.
After his third rendition of the song, Totally Fake Crack News left in pursuit of another breaking story across town. SM Entertainment had stormed into the judge’s chambers where Max Changmin and U-Know Yunho were being un-cuffed, having completed their 48 hours of special time together. A court officer told us that SM filed an emergency injunction to fight the “uncuffing,” claiming that keeping Max and U-know tied together reduced their surveillance costs by half and was the best thing that had happened to SM in five years.
When Max and U-Know exited the courthouse, still handcuffed together, SM representatives followed behind them, raising their hands victoriously in the air. Changmin was seen sobbing and smacking the back of Yunho’s head as they were ushered into a van.
We caught up with Kim Jaejoong later that afternoon as he was entering the COEX Aquarium with his penis cast in a sling. He was happy to stop and chat, letting us know that his penis was doing just fine and he was expecting a full recovery in about two weeks. “It’s just a strain,” he said, “sort of like pulling a muscle. I’m having a fan signing event tomorrow so fans can sign my cast. Unfortunately, since it’s a small cast, only the first ten fans will be able to actually sign it. The remaining fans will be able to take photos with it. I was going to do a fan touch event, but the doctor advised me that over stimulation could crack the cast.”
After taking a photo with his penis cast, I asked how he was feeling about the court’s ruling. He said, “I feel sorry for Changmin. SM is doing this because they found out that Yunho was suing me so we could meet at the courthouse and have sex in the bathroom. Now, with Changmin cuffed to him, it will be really awkward since he’s slightly homophobic.”
When asked if he still planned on having sex with Yunho in the bathroom, Kim Jaejoong said, “of course. Changmin’s a big boy now and it’s not like he’s never taken it up the…oops.” Don’t worry Shim Changmin, we’ve all taken it up the “oops” at some time or another.
Kim Jaejoong received a phone call from Kim Junsu during our informal interview and he put Junsu on the phone so we could ask him some questions. We have Kim Junsu’s official statement about his sexuality and you heard it here first! Kim Junsu is bilateral!
Being long time fans of TVXQ, Totally Fake Crack News refuses to comment on that and awaits for other news sources to pick apart this stunning revelation so we may then scold them for making fun of the adorably sweet TVXQ member that is so obviously in dire need of some real life experience.
Junsu then went on to say that he was very happy because Changmin had donated money to Junsu’s favorite cause in his name, Little Bo Peeps of Korea, a charity that makes sweaters for sheep. He believes this act of kindness is an olive branch and he can’t wait to give Changmin a big hug. “I think he’s forgiven me,” Junsu said, but hung up when we asked what he had done wrong that Changmin needed to forgive him for.
Shim Changmin later released a statement offering a $500 reward for anyone who would bring a hacksaw to his home to help him with a “project.” He also stated that he was going to *bleep* Jung Yunho for accessing his online bank account and wiring money to pay for some *bleeping* sweaters for sheep. Jung Yunho has been unavailable for questions since the court ruled to keep him handcuffed. We have heard unconfirmed news, however, that he has developed an allergy to peanuts.
Today was certainly a busy news day, but it doesn’t end there, there’s more! Right after sunset, we hurried back to Park Yoochun’s home and found that Fan Town had been mowed down by the garbage trucks on their weekly pickup. Thankfully, no fans were in Fan Town at the time, having crowded into a nearby 7-11 to keep warm.
Ms. Moon, a Yoochun fan, stood strong as she surveyed the mangled tent community and said they would rebuild. In Ms. Moon’s own words, “TVXQ fans don’t know the meaning of the word quit.” She also alluded that there would be a lawsuit against the city of Seoul for improper use of a waste removal vehicle.
Since we were there, Totally Fake Crack News decided to write a question and drop it in the box on Yoochun’s front steps, but upon further inspection, we realized the box had been completely wrapped up with no opening to deposit slips of paper. We found a note attached to the bottom saying, I have a question, when are you going to get a fucking box that has a slot for questions? And my original question, do you think I’m pretty? It was signed Shim Changmin with a P.S. at the bottom, call me you ho-bitch. On the back of the note it read, Miss you bunches! ~Yunho ^^.
Here’s looking forward to what tomorrow brings!
Pairing: YunJae, YooMin, YooSu, MinFood
Rating: R
Genre: total crack, no seriously, CRACK
Disclaimer: I don't own them, know them or intend any disrespect to DBSK.
Summary: Totally Fake Crack News (which is a super duper reliable source) has all the breaking news about the personal lives of the five TVXQ members. After the SM lawsuit, it all went downhill and the members started suing each other. Find out the dirt and who is doing suing who inside the newest edition!
Length: Chaptered
Previous Totally Fake Crack News Articles:
#1 Yunho Sues Jaejoong for Joint Custody
#2 Kim Junsu is Not Androgynous
#3 Changmin Files Restraining Order Against Yunho
#4 PB & Jae Fan Café Crashes When 40,000 Fans Sign On
Yoochun Confesses, “I Kissed a Boy.”
All our film froze from Yoochun's mini-press con, so we went with this stunning photo instead.
With the other four members of TVXQ making recent headlines with their personal lives, it comes as no shock that Park Yoochun is finally coming out of his cave with news of his own. Totally Fake Crack News received a tip yesterday from Fan Town, the community of tents that Yoochun fans erected in front of his Seoul home. Word was that Yoochun was getting ready to make a public statement, but wanted to do so from the steps of his home.
Media assembled around the perimeter of his home early this morning even though the temperature dropped into the low 20s (-5 Celsius). Fans braving the cold in Fan Town offered hot coffee and donuts to the media, elevating the level of respect reporters have for idol fans from negative fourteen to zero.
At approximately 8:30am, Yoochun emerged from his home and appeared shocked to see the swarm of people anxiously awaiting his big news. He pranced around for a few minutes, pretending not to see the three hundred people gawking at him, before finally pulling out a portable karaoke machine and plugging it in to use as a makeshift microphone.
“Is this on? Can you hear me?” Yoochun started his announcement by tapping the cheap mic while fans clapped vigorously. After he realized how to turn the volume up, he spoke with great authority when he said, “I kissed a boy.” He then went on to say, “and I liked it.”
As expected, a gasp erupted from crowd and a handful of girls reportedly fainted and were used as stepping stools for shorter, still conscious girls who wanted a better view. Before you start an angry rant about the victimized girls, we received notice that all eighteen of them are fine and excited to be inducted into the TVXQ Fan Fainting Hall of Fame, which is quite prestigious as only 6,541 girls have earned the honor thus far.
After his statement, Park Yoochun answered questions from the media. One reporter asked him if he had kissed one of his fellow members. Yoochun’s response was, “no, I have not kissed anyone’s member.”
The reporter asked the question again, speaking more slowly to be better understood. “Forgive me, Mr. Park, I was asking if the boy you kissed was one of your fellow TVXQ members, like Kim Junsu or Shim Changmin?”
Park Yoochun smiled and also spoke more slowly. “I. Have. Not. Kissed. Anyone’s. Member. You. Fucking. Pervert.”
Fans clapped again, for what reason the media does not know, until a different reporter stepped up to ask a question. Ms. WooHoo (we think she’s from Whoville) bowed to Mr. Park before thrusting her professional grade microphone into his face and asked, “there’s a rumor going around that you and Shim Changmin were lovers, but now you are shagging Kim Junsu. Is this true?”
“Kim Junsu does not have shag. He trims just like the rest of us, well, except for Yunho, I’m sure he’s shaving it all off right now. Peanut butter is a bitch to get out of pubic hair,” Yoochun had said, silencing the crowd with his colorful response that in no way shape or form answered the Whoville reporter’s question. But he went on to say, “I’m a celebrity, or so Jaejoong tells me, and I’ve been advised to be vague and funny when doing interviews. So all I can say is that I’m writing my memoirs and it will answer all your questions in a vague and funny way, so please leave your questions in this box here and I’ll get right on that.”
Park Yoochun’s mother then came out of the house with a large cardboard box (wrapped in gold lame' wrapping paper) and set it on the steps. Thinking that the mini-press conference was over, the media started to put away their cameras, but were surprised when Yoochun’s mother pressed a button on the karaoke machine and Yoochun broke into song and dance.
Singing a modified version I Kissed a Girl by American pop star Katy Perry, Park Yoochun wailed on and on that yes indeed, he kissed a boy and he liked it.
After his third rendition of the song, Totally Fake Crack News left in pursuit of another breaking story across town. SM Entertainment had stormed into the judge’s chambers where Max Changmin and U-Know Yunho were being un-cuffed, having completed their 48 hours of special time together. A court officer told us that SM filed an emergency injunction to fight the “uncuffing,” claiming that keeping Max and U-know tied together reduced their surveillance costs by half and was the best thing that had happened to SM in five years.
When Max and U-Know exited the courthouse, still handcuffed together, SM representatives followed behind them, raising their hands victoriously in the air. Changmin was seen sobbing and smacking the back of Yunho’s head as they were ushered into a van.
We caught up with Kim Jaejoong later that afternoon as he was entering the COEX Aquarium with his penis cast in a sling. He was happy to stop and chat, letting us know that his penis was doing just fine and he was expecting a full recovery in about two weeks. “It’s just a strain,” he said, “sort of like pulling a muscle. I’m having a fan signing event tomorrow so fans can sign my cast. Unfortunately, since it’s a small cast, only the first ten fans will be able to actually sign it. The remaining fans will be able to take photos with it. I was going to do a fan touch event, but the doctor advised me that over stimulation could crack the cast.”
After taking a photo with his penis cast, I asked how he was feeling about the court’s ruling. He said, “I feel sorry for Changmin. SM is doing this because they found out that Yunho was suing me so we could meet at the courthouse and have sex in the bathroom. Now, with Changmin cuffed to him, it will be really awkward since he’s slightly homophobic.”
When asked if he still planned on having sex with Yunho in the bathroom, Kim Jaejoong said, “of course. Changmin’s a big boy now and it’s not like he’s never taken it up the…oops.” Don’t worry Shim Changmin, we’ve all taken it up the “oops” at some time or another.
Kim Jaejoong received a phone call from Kim Junsu during our informal interview and he put Junsu on the phone so we could ask him some questions. We have Kim Junsu’s official statement about his sexuality and you heard it here first! Kim Junsu is bilateral!
Being long time fans of TVXQ, Totally Fake Crack News refuses to comment on that and awaits for other news sources to pick apart this stunning revelation so we may then scold them for making fun of the adorably sweet TVXQ member that is so obviously in dire need of some real life experience.
Junsu then went on to say that he was very happy because Changmin had donated money to Junsu’s favorite cause in his name, Little Bo Peeps of Korea, a charity that makes sweaters for sheep. He believes this act of kindness is an olive branch and he can’t wait to give Changmin a big hug. “I think he’s forgiven me,” Junsu said, but hung up when we asked what he had done wrong that Changmin needed to forgive him for.
Shim Changmin later released a statement offering a $500 reward for anyone who would bring a hacksaw to his home to help him with a “project.” He also stated that he was going to *bleep* Jung Yunho for accessing his online bank account and wiring money to pay for some *bleeping* sweaters for sheep. Jung Yunho has been unavailable for questions since the court ruled to keep him handcuffed. We have heard unconfirmed news, however, that he has developed an allergy to peanuts.
Today was certainly a busy news day, but it doesn’t end there, there’s more! Right after sunset, we hurried back to Park Yoochun’s home and found that Fan Town had been mowed down by the garbage trucks on their weekly pickup. Thankfully, no fans were in Fan Town at the time, having crowded into a nearby 7-11 to keep warm.
Ms. Moon, a Yoochun fan, stood strong as she surveyed the mangled tent community and said they would rebuild. In Ms. Moon’s own words, “TVXQ fans don’t know the meaning of the word quit.” She also alluded that there would be a lawsuit against the city of Seoul for improper use of a waste removal vehicle.
Since we were there, Totally Fake Crack News decided to write a question and drop it in the box on Yoochun’s front steps, but upon further inspection, we realized the box had been completely wrapped up with no opening to deposit slips of paper. We found a note attached to the bottom saying, I have a question, when are you going to get a fucking box that has a slot for questions? And my original question, do you think I’m pretty? It was signed Shim Changmin with a P.S. at the bottom, call me you ho-bitch. On the back of the note it read, Miss you bunches! ~Yunho ^^.
Here’s looking forward to what tomorrow brings!