insert phrase challenge
Title: Reductio ad Absurdum
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Characters: Leon, Cloud and Sephiroth
Phrase: (1. "Subdue your passion or it will subdue you"--Horace/6. Oh, that is unbelievably pathetic!/13. You didn't really believe that, did you?/16. Agh! That's awful!)
Warnings/Ratings: PG-13/T (language and a bit of sexual content) Crack. Cause crack really deserves a warning. Especially this kind
Synopsis: (After Cloud loses his job, he suddenly finds himself with a lot of time on his hands - enough time to go on a wild goose chase to find Sephiroth, who, after finally getting out of jail, seems to have lost himself somewhere in the city. Leon tags along just for the hell of it. There's triangle love going on here.)
Notes: HA HA. Who knew my Logic class would come in handy for a fanfic title? Ah, anyway. This is the first chapter to a series written for insert_phrase... I'm just making it one story cause I'm too lazy to make a bunch of different ones. Blah blah blah.
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commencing the crackfest...
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"'Subdue your passion or it will subdue you' - who the hell comes up with this shit?" Cloud mumbled to himself and ruthlessly mashed the buttons on the remote control as he lounged in the soft, dark blue chair (understuffed, beaten, sagging and torn, it was dearly loved) one afternoon. He wasn't quite sure what day it was. He'd lost track about a week back and hadn’t bothered to check a calendar, content to just while away his time mindlessly staring at the TV.
He'd lost his job about a week ago due to a complication his boss had called 'an attitude problem' - the only problem Cloud could see, though, was that his attitude was non-existent and his boss had been an uptight, nitpicking jerkface who would (and did) look for any excuse to get rid of him. He'd finally filed a report against him and, subsequently, gotten him fired from a job the blond had managed to hold onto for the better part of two years. Which probably filled the bastard's heart with glee.
And so, instead of going out and looking for another job, Cloud had opted to sit and stew in his lonely little apartment with the drapes shut tight and the TV droning twenty-four hours a day. It was a boring existence, but he wasn't complaining.
"Who's in charge of these channels, anyway?" The blond groaned out load, filling the room with his griping.
...Too much.
"You could always turn it off." Came a voice from behind him, slight irritation coloring it like gravel (Cloud couldn't make sense of this, but knew it was true).
The jobless young man sprawled in the recliner yelped in surprise, attempted to jump out of the chair, and ended up a groaning, graceless heap on the floor.
"Nice." Leon only arched a single eyebrow as Cloud fumbled around like a senile hippo on the carpet.
The blond finally managed to grab hold of the arm of the recliner and hoisted himself into a sitting position, popping wary blue eyes over the top to peer at his unexpected visitor.
"When the HELL did you get here?" Cloud demanded in a tone of voice that smacked lightly of defensive mortification with aggressive undertones of increduliouty. Leon felt quite proud of himself for startling the older man, but made no indication of it. He just stared blankly.
"A few moments ago." He paused, refrained from smirking, and asked, "My only question is... why did you spend a whole three seconds longer on the food channel than any of the others?"
Cloud's eyes darted to the side, then came back to glare defiantly into Leon's cool grey. "I'm hungry."
That was quite possibly a lie since the six second total spent on the channel had revealed a (rather nice) selection of frying pans and not food.
"Ah."
The looked at each other for a moment, Leon still standing, as if rooted to the spot, and Cloud still crouched warily behind the beaten chair.
"Why are you here?"
"Mm. Aerith."
"Aerith?"
"Mm. And Yuffie."
"And Yuffie?"
"Mm. They thought you were dead."
"Dead?!" Cloud started, looking mildly baffled. The dark haired man thought the expression was a rather amusing one on him. "Why the hell would they think I was dead?"
"Your name came up in the obituaries."
"What?" The blond then stood abruptly to openly stare at his stony faced friend. His blue eyes were round and disbelief was etched into every contour of his face. "I'm dead?"
Without warning, the spiky haired man darted off in the direction Leon vaguely remembered being the bathroom. With nothing else to do, and feeling quite pleased with himself, he trailed after his panicked friend.
Said friend was examining himself closely in the mirror, patting his face experimentally.
"How can I be dead? I'm healthy looking - a little bit pale, maybe, but that's understandable - I haven't seen the sun in an entire freaking week! And! And - and I can see myself in the mirror! I'm not invisible!"
"That's only vampires that have no reflections." Leon intoned mildly.
Cloud ignored him smoothly. "I'm not rotting! I don't walk through walls! I don't even remember dying!"
Leon watched silently for a moment, trying very, very hard not to crack a smile. The more Cloud examined himself and the more he fretted, though, the more difficult it became, until, finally, "You didn't really believe that, did you?"
Cloud paused.
Before he could do anything (such as the complete and total maiming of the cool-eyed man ala Mortal Kombat) there was a piercing ring that sounded all throughout the apartment, startling both men.
Recognizing it instantly, the blond took off once more, this time diving into what could possibly pass off as his room if it weren't for the fact that Leon was very sure it was a miniature Amazon Rainforest.
Digging around for a surprisingly small amount of time, all things considered, Cloud finally emerged victoriously - and with something that was quite possibly a sea slug attached to his leg - cell phone in hand as he desperately attempted to pry it apart. After a brief yet entirely too animated struggle for Leon, who was trying to detatch the weird slug-looking thing from the blond without actually touching it, he managed to answer the phone.
"GRAAAALK!"
Leon stopped. Leon looked up to regard the blond warily. Cloud, for his part, was panting heavily with his eyes a tad unfocused while he attempted to have a conversation with the person on the other end of the line without letting the phone get too close to his ear.
A voice, tinny, small, and disgustingly familiar, answered the blond's easily-mistaken-for-mating-call-from-a-dying-animal. Leon's eyebrow twitched and he went back to his own one-on-one with Cloud's leg sea-slug, listening to the blond's end of the conversation only.
"Uh? Yeah, hi--haven't heard from--what? Well what the hell are--uh-huh. Uh-huh. NO--well, I--uh-huh. Holy... yeah. Uh-huh. WHAT THE FU--"
Leon finally managed to pry the sea-slug off Cloud's limb, only to find that it was less of a gross aquatic sea creature and more of a really, really old sock that had been wet at some point. Which, in some twisted way, made it twice as gross.
"What did you--what? With a--OH MY--Agh! That's awfu--Ew. Just ew."
With the vomit-worthy sock in hand (or in a convenient old napkin he'd found nearby) Leon ambled down the short hallway with the blond's voice drifting in short spurts of half-finished sentences after him.
"--WELL MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED BEING A FREAKING SOCIOPATH--"
Leon disposed of the sock (which seemed to be in the first stages of gaining a sentient mind), napkin and all, before returning to watch Cloud's cell phone battle - which he seemed to be losing magnificently - from a safe distance.
"Ugh." Cloud sighed, clearly aggravated, but resigned all the same. "Al--alright. Alright. Yeah, okay, where are you?"
It seemed the answer was not one the blond was particularly fond of.
"What do you mean, 'YOU DON'T KNOW'? How can you not know where you are? How am I supposed to FIND you if you don't even know where you are?"
A pause.
"That makes absolutely no sense at all."
Another pause.
"And that is just unbelievably pathetic."
A third pause, slightly longer.
"Okay, shut up before I decide the only reason I'm looking for you is to hurt you." Cloud seemed to be getting more irritated by the minute - or rather, every time the person he was talking to opened up his damn mouth. "So you're downtown somewhere, huh? Fine. Just... just stay put, okay? And try not to violate too many laws. Or eat a puppy. Again."
And Leon really didn't want to ask what that was about.
Heaving another irritated sigh, Cloud snapped the phone shut (on a closer examination, it really looked to be on its last legs, ready to break in two at any given moment). "Great. Now I have to go play frikkin' Hot'n'Cold with a wonderful butthead named Sephiroth."
The blond trudged past his unwanted houseguest wearily, flinging open the closet door in a manner that could only be described as angry.
Abruptly, the man was snowed by what resembled an avalanche of coats and, occasionally, jackets.
Leon was just surprised Cloud owned so many coats, really - he'd been expecting something to come tumbling down... but coats, oddly, weren't high on his list.
After digging himself out of the somewhat monstrous pile and dragging a suitably clean black jacket along with him, Cloud went searching for his keys and, locating them rather quickly (in his boots), made his way to the front door.
He cast an irritated glance back towards Leon. "Well?"
"Mm?"
"Out!"
"Hm?"
"OUT! I'm leaving and you're not staying here."
"Mm."
"LEON GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT."
Hiding an amused smirk, Leon did as he was told. Some people said his attitude was some kind of attempt to block off the world and avoid being hurt, but, really, he was just like this because he'd discovered, long ago, that it pissed the hell out of Cloud. And that's all that mattered in the end.
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woo crack!
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Comments? Criticisms? Corrections? Wow, too many C words.
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Characters: Leon, Cloud and Sephiroth
Phrase: (1. "Subdue your passion or it will subdue you"--Horace/6. Oh, that is unbelievably pathetic!/13. You didn't really believe that, did you?/16. Agh! That's awful!)
Warnings/Ratings: PG-13/T (language and a bit of sexual content) Crack. Cause crack really deserves a warning. Especially this kind
Synopsis: (After Cloud loses his job, he suddenly finds himself with a lot of time on his hands - enough time to go on a wild goose chase to find Sephiroth, who, after finally getting out of jail, seems to have lost himself somewhere in the city. Leon tags along just for the hell of it. There's triangle love going on here.)
Notes: HA HA. Who knew my Logic class would come in handy for a fanfic title? Ah, anyway. This is the first chapter to a series written for insert_phrase... I'm just making it one story cause I'm too lazy to make a bunch of different ones. Blah blah blah.
---------------------------
commencing the crackfest...
---------------------------
"'Subdue your passion or it will subdue you' - who the hell comes up with this shit?" Cloud mumbled to himself and ruthlessly mashed the buttons on the remote control as he lounged in the soft, dark blue chair (understuffed, beaten, sagging and torn, it was dearly loved) one afternoon. He wasn't quite sure what day it was. He'd lost track about a week back and hadn’t bothered to check a calendar, content to just while away his time mindlessly staring at the TV.
He'd lost his job about a week ago due to a complication his boss had called 'an attitude problem' - the only problem Cloud could see, though, was that his attitude was non-existent and his boss had been an uptight, nitpicking jerkface who would (and did) look for any excuse to get rid of him. He'd finally filed a report against him and, subsequently, gotten him fired from a job the blond had managed to hold onto for the better part of two years. Which probably filled the bastard's heart with glee.
And so, instead of going out and looking for another job, Cloud had opted to sit and stew in his lonely little apartment with the drapes shut tight and the TV droning twenty-four hours a day. It was a boring existence, but he wasn't complaining.
"Who's in charge of these channels, anyway?" The blond groaned out load, filling the room with his griping.
...Too much.
"You could always turn it off." Came a voice from behind him, slight irritation coloring it like gravel (Cloud couldn't make sense of this, but knew it was true).
The jobless young man sprawled in the recliner yelped in surprise, attempted to jump out of the chair, and ended up a groaning, graceless heap on the floor.
"Nice." Leon only arched a single eyebrow as Cloud fumbled around like a senile hippo on the carpet.
The blond finally managed to grab hold of the arm of the recliner and hoisted himself into a sitting position, popping wary blue eyes over the top to peer at his unexpected visitor.
"When the HELL did you get here?" Cloud demanded in a tone of voice that smacked lightly of defensive mortification with aggressive undertones of increduliouty. Leon felt quite proud of himself for startling the older man, but made no indication of it. He just stared blankly.
"A few moments ago." He paused, refrained from smirking, and asked, "My only question is... why did you spend a whole three seconds longer on the food channel than any of the others?"
Cloud's eyes darted to the side, then came back to glare defiantly into Leon's cool grey. "I'm hungry."
That was quite possibly a lie since the six second total spent on the channel had revealed a (rather nice) selection of frying pans and not food.
"Ah."
The looked at each other for a moment, Leon still standing, as if rooted to the spot, and Cloud still crouched warily behind the beaten chair.
"Why are you here?"
"Mm. Aerith."
"Aerith?"
"Mm. And Yuffie."
"And Yuffie?"
"Mm. They thought you were dead."
"Dead?!" Cloud started, looking mildly baffled. The dark haired man thought the expression was a rather amusing one on him. "Why the hell would they think I was dead?"
"Your name came up in the obituaries."
"What?" The blond then stood abruptly to openly stare at his stony faced friend. His blue eyes were round and disbelief was etched into every contour of his face. "I'm dead?"
Without warning, the spiky haired man darted off in the direction Leon vaguely remembered being the bathroom. With nothing else to do, and feeling quite pleased with himself, he trailed after his panicked friend.
Said friend was examining himself closely in the mirror, patting his face experimentally.
"How can I be dead? I'm healthy looking - a little bit pale, maybe, but that's understandable - I haven't seen the sun in an entire freaking week! And! And - and I can see myself in the mirror! I'm not invisible!"
"That's only vampires that have no reflections." Leon intoned mildly.
Cloud ignored him smoothly. "I'm not rotting! I don't walk through walls! I don't even remember dying!"
Leon watched silently for a moment, trying very, very hard not to crack a smile. The more Cloud examined himself and the more he fretted, though, the more difficult it became, until, finally, "You didn't really believe that, did you?"
Cloud paused.
Before he could do anything (such as the complete and total maiming of the cool-eyed man ala Mortal Kombat) there was a piercing ring that sounded all throughout the apartment, startling both men.
Recognizing it instantly, the blond took off once more, this time diving into what could possibly pass off as his room if it weren't for the fact that Leon was very sure it was a miniature Amazon Rainforest.
Digging around for a surprisingly small amount of time, all things considered, Cloud finally emerged victoriously - and with something that was quite possibly a sea slug attached to his leg - cell phone in hand as he desperately attempted to pry it apart. After a brief yet entirely too animated struggle for Leon, who was trying to detatch the weird slug-looking thing from the blond without actually touching it, he managed to answer the phone.
"GRAAAALK!"
Leon stopped. Leon looked up to regard the blond warily. Cloud, for his part, was panting heavily with his eyes a tad unfocused while he attempted to have a conversation with the person on the other end of the line without letting the phone get too close to his ear.
A voice, tinny, small, and disgustingly familiar, answered the blond's easily-mistaken-for-mating-call-from-a-dying-animal. Leon's eyebrow twitched and he went back to his own one-on-one with Cloud's leg sea-slug, listening to the blond's end of the conversation only.
"Uh? Yeah, hi--haven't heard from--what? Well what the hell are--uh-huh. Uh-huh. NO--well, I--uh-huh. Holy... yeah. Uh-huh. WHAT THE FU--"
Leon finally managed to pry the sea-slug off Cloud's limb, only to find that it was less of a gross aquatic sea creature and more of a really, really old sock that had been wet at some point. Which, in some twisted way, made it twice as gross.
"What did you--what? With a--OH MY--Agh! That's awfu--Ew. Just ew."
With the vomit-worthy sock in hand (or in a convenient old napkin he'd found nearby) Leon ambled down the short hallway with the blond's voice drifting in short spurts of half-finished sentences after him.
"--WELL MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED BEING A FREAKING SOCIOPATH--"
Leon disposed of the sock (which seemed to be in the first stages of gaining a sentient mind), napkin and all, before returning to watch Cloud's cell phone battle - which he seemed to be losing magnificently - from a safe distance.
"Ugh." Cloud sighed, clearly aggravated, but resigned all the same. "Al--alright. Alright. Yeah, okay, where are you?"
It seemed the answer was not one the blond was particularly fond of.
"What do you mean, 'YOU DON'T KNOW'? How can you not know where you are? How am I supposed to FIND you if you don't even know where you are?"
A pause.
"That makes absolutely no sense at all."
Another pause.
"And that is just unbelievably pathetic."
A third pause, slightly longer.
"Okay, shut up before I decide the only reason I'm looking for you is to hurt you." Cloud seemed to be getting more irritated by the minute - or rather, every time the person he was talking to opened up his damn mouth. "So you're downtown somewhere, huh? Fine. Just... just stay put, okay? And try not to violate too many laws. Or eat a puppy. Again."
And Leon really didn't want to ask what that was about.
Heaving another irritated sigh, Cloud snapped the phone shut (on a closer examination, it really looked to be on its last legs, ready to break in two at any given moment). "Great. Now I have to go play frikkin' Hot'n'Cold with a wonderful butthead named Sephiroth."
The blond trudged past his unwanted houseguest wearily, flinging open the closet door in a manner that could only be described as angry.
Abruptly, the man was snowed by what resembled an avalanche of coats and, occasionally, jackets.
Leon was just surprised Cloud owned so many coats, really - he'd been expecting something to come tumbling down... but coats, oddly, weren't high on his list.
After digging himself out of the somewhat monstrous pile and dragging a suitably clean black jacket along with him, Cloud went searching for his keys and, locating them rather quickly (in his boots), made his way to the front door.
He cast an irritated glance back towards Leon. "Well?"
"Mm?"
"Out!"
"Hm?"
"OUT! I'm leaving and you're not staying here."
"Mm."
"LEON GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT."
Hiding an amused smirk, Leon did as he was told. Some people said his attitude was some kind of attempt to block off the world and avoid being hurt, but, really, he was just like this because he'd discovered, long ago, that it pissed the hell out of Cloud. And that's all that mattered in the end.
---------------------------
woo crack!
---------------------------
Comments? Criticisms? Corrections? Wow, too many C words.