First Snow
Title: First Snow
Author: Axxiss
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kangteuk
Rating: PG
Summary: (I) Sometimes silence means a lot more, listening gives hope and snows proves that you were there - with him.
A/N: I felt the need to write something about this couple since Kangin's incidents keep on adding up.
I just read the comments, and I'd like to apologize for not giving a warning.
Warning: Character death
Rating: G
*
“Remember, this is where we had our first kiss! We kissed right here, in this bench. It snowed, I remember. It was the first snow of the year!” Eeteuk exclaimed with a smile. It was 6 years ago when he last step foot on Gangnam Forest Park’s ground. He had a lot of chances to go back and visit but he was just too preoccupied. Gazing at the trees, the pond nearby, the thick leaves on the ground; it brings back memories to him - memories that he had forgotten for the past 6 years.
Eeteuk glanced at the guy sitting beside him. When he didn’t respond, Eeteuk put his attention at the pond on front of them.
“I remember you tried swimming there but got ended up getting scolded by the guard.” Eeteuk cheerfully added as he holds Kangin’s hand a little tighter. Kangin did the craziest things just to prove to him that he did love Eeteuk. And even though it was a little embarrassing, it was really amusing for Eeteuk to see Kangin do things willingly for him.
“Happy memories...” Eeteuk heard Kangin muttered weakly.
Eeteuk beamed at him, He faced Kangin and caressed his lover’s cheeks. He laid his head at Kangin’s strong shoulder. “I know. I wish we could stay like this. No one judging us - just like this.”
Eeteuk felt Kangin’s tear drops on his cheek. He looks up at him and gently kisses his cheeks. “Kangin-ah, you have to be strong.”
There was a moment of silence. Eeteuk let it be. He felt that Kangin needs it and so does he. And besides he liked it this way. Silence hides pain even though he knew it wouldn’t put it away at least it helps cure the wounds.
The trees sway as the cold breeze passes. The moon’s reflection on the pond is quite visible as it gives a rose petal sparks effect on the pond. Eeteuk can hear the murmuring of the crickets and the twittering of the birds. They were alone but together in the place where they first confessed their love to each other.
Eeteuk closes his eyes. He tried to reminisce all the times that they were together. He remembers the time where Kangin surprised him after long hours of work. He cried at that time and Kangin, seeing him with tears in his eyes and a red nose, hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t make you cry again.” Kangin whispered that night.
There was a time, wherein he received a lot of criticism and he wrote something in his cyworld page on how hard it is to keep living as an artist these times. Kangin went home skipping his schedule and asked Eeteuk to join him for a drink. He remembered Kangin listened to him with sincerity as he informed him all his insecurities and doubt. Kangin held his hand the whole night and he never let go.
In China, Eeteuk desperately felt the need to scold the members. He can’t remember the reason though but instead of ticking off the group he ended up scolding Kangin instead. He never said a word. He just bowed his head even though he was being scolded in front of everybody. Eeteuk wanted to say sorry the next day but Kangin said that it was okay. “You needed to scold somebody and besides I won’t let you scold the younger ones. They might misunderstand.” Eeteuk remembered Kangin saying.
He remembers their first anniversary together when Kangin gave him 40 pink tulips and a piano-organ for him to use when he writes some music. He promised Kangin that he will write him a song but because of a busy schedule he wasn’t able to start one.
Last January, the night of his birthday, after everybody greeted him, he patiently waited for Kangin to go home for them to celebrate. When he lost his patience and decided to sleep, Kangin came rushing from the door, with a big white bear in his hands. Eeteuk was angry at that time and went to his room banging the door at Kangin. The next morning, he found Kangin sleeping in the couch with the bear and found out from Hyuk Jae that Kangin had his schedule cancelled so he can celebrate Eeteuk’s birthday.
After breaking up with his cheater girlfriend, he found himself alone and wanted to kill his life once and for all. Kangin scolded him and told him to be strong. He cuddles beside Kangin the whole day, as he cries his eyes out. Kangin left him the next day and asked Sungmin to take care of him while he’s gone. Eeuteuk found out though that Kangin confronted his ex and demanded for an apology. Eeuetuk slapped Kangin for embarrassing him and Kangin just gaze at him with a sad face and did not say a word.
Kangin gave him a ring on their 100th day anniversary. Eeteuk told him that he can’t wear it because of the media and the netizens. And he realized that he hadn’t worn it all. Not even once.
Eeteuk opened his eyes and find Kangin resting his head on his. It was quiet and he can hear his own breath. He holds Kangin’s hand and kisses it.
When Kangin first kissed him here he remembers the younger one promising him that he’ll always be willing for him. Eeteuk didn’t want believe it at first but Kangin really did. Even not on purpose, he knew everything Kangin did was for him and he, really, did it willingly.
Eeteuk felt Kangin’s hand let go. He holds it back tightly as he hugs Kangin’s arm near him.
“I won’t let go.”
“You have to let go, Hyung.”
“I won’t... I can’t.”
“You have too, Jungsu-ah.”
Eeteuk noticed the voice behind him. It wasn’t Kangin’s. It was somebody else’s. He turned his back and saw Heechul and Hyukjae behind them panting. Heechul who looks like he hadn’t slept for a while walks to him slowly. He sits beside him and sadly looks at the pond.
“Kangin told me about this place once so I figured that you guys might be here... This is where you guys became official, am I right?” Heechul said without looking at him.
Eeteuk nodded and gaped at Kangin who’s resting his head now on Eeteuk’s shoulder.
“Hyung, everybody’s looking for you guys...” Hyukjae said as he approached Eeteuk’s back and gave him a small gentle pat.
“Kangin needed some peace,” Eeteuk replied, biting his lower lip. “I have to bring him here...”
Heechul gawked at him with a straight face. “Jungsu-ah, it’s not your fault... it was his.”
Eeteuk glared at him. Hyuk Jae back off a little after seeing his hyung’s angry reaction. Heechul on the other hand just watch Eeteuk with an empty face. “Shut up Heechul-ah! It was never his fault! How dare you say that in front of him! He can hear you!”
“He won’t. He’s gone, Eeteuk!” Heechul held strongly as he put his eyes back at the silent pond.
Eeteuk covered his ears. No, Kangin is alive and breathing. Heechul is lying. He was just talking with him about their relationship together.
“I know it’s hard for you hyung... but we need to bring him back.” Hyukjae finally said after a moment of silence.
“Hyukjae, SHUT UP! He called me! He asked me to bring him here... I can’t believe you guys!!” Eeteuk exclaimed, dumbfounded from his dongseng’s words. He turns his head as he raise his hand and slap Hyukjae hard on his face. “You rude basta-“
Before he could finish, Heechul stood up and slap him on his face. Eeteuk glared at him but this time his tears were flowing on his face.
“Kangin called me, Chul-ah. He did...” Eeteuk cried, trying to catch his breath.
“I know. I think Kangin called you before he hit the gas straight to the light post.” Heechul silently answered, as he sat back beside Eeteuk.
“He called. He was bidding goodbye. But I didn’t listen. He always does, that Kangin-ah. He always listens to me. I never did.” Eeteuk weakly said.
Hyukjae hugged him from the back as he let his hyung release his pain. “Hyung, it’ll be okay...”
“You don’t understand Hyukjae. I scolded him after that incident in the bar without hearing his reasons. I was embarrassed by him and asked him to leave me alone. He began drinking and I never cared until he hit a cab and had hurt some passengers. I was so mad, so embarrassed, so disgusted...”
Heechul and Hyuk Jae kept quiet for a moment. The cold breeze passed them giving chill to the now silent three boys.
“I asked him to stop embarrassing Super Junior... and to just leave us for a while.” Eeteuk explained, trying to ignore the pain that pricks him like a needle to his heart.
“Jungsu-ah, look at me. Kangin loved you so much - and he had probably wanted to get away. But just like a wild flower the edge of a cliff, he wanted to find peace within himself. And he found it. We may blame ourselves but that was his decision. A wild flower only lives on the edge of the cliff, and when it rains, it’ll fall down. I know he’s strong and all that, but sometimes when everything gets too tough, like the flower, he gets fragile bit by bit... and it might be our fault that we weren’t there. But it was his decision to take his own life and face his problems alone. He probably wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed anymore. He loved you.” Heechul explained in a deep tone, his eyes tearing.
“I wasn’t even able to apologize to him or tell him I was wrong and that I will always be by his side whatever happens...” Eeteuk regretfully said.
“He heard you, Jungsu-ah. He will always listen to you. And I know that wherever he is right now, he will always be beside you.”
Eeteuk take a last look at Kangin. He observes him for a moment. His beautiful smiley eyes are not visible anymore. Kangin had his eyes closed and gave an impression of relief and piece. His once strong body now looks weak and helpless. His arms are covered with blood and so is his t-shirt and pants. His lips that are once cherry are now dry and cold like his hands that used to be warm and gentle.
Eeteuk realized that he was the one that muttered, “Happy Memories”, and the tears that he felt was Kangin’s was really his. He sadly smiled at himself. He wish he knew this will happen so he could have save Kangin from his misery and not push him away. He can never see Kangin again. He can't accept the fact that he's gone forever. He wanted to hear his voice again just so he can remember it. He wanted to see his smile or hear his laugh. He wanted to hold him or kiss him, touch him. He wanted to see Kangin's gorgeous face again. He had so many things to say and so many broken promises to make up but he had lost his chances. He never even had a chance to apologize to Kangin.
"You know what Hyukjae, Heechul-ah, what pains me the most is the fact that I will miss him so much. He's just beside me but why do I feel like I can never have him?" Eeteuk said.
Heechul and Hyukjae gave him a sad smile as they watch him caress Kangin's cold face.
Swallowing hard, Eeteuk take a deep breath and lean his lips at Kangin’s cold lips.
“I’m sorry, Youngwoon-ah. I had to let you go now. Saranghae.”
Heechul suddenly felt a snowflake fall on his hand. He and Hyukjae looked up at the dark sky and saw that it was snowing. Heechul smiled to himself as he put his eyes back at Eeteuk and Kangin. It was the first snow of the year.
Author: Axxiss
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Kangteuk
Rating: PG
Summary: (I) Sometimes silence means a lot more, listening gives hope and snows proves that you were there - with him.
A/N: I felt the need to write something about this couple since Kangin's incidents keep on adding up.
I just read the comments, and I'd like to apologize for not giving a warning.
Warning: Character death
Rating: G
*
“Remember, this is where we had our first kiss! We kissed right here, in this bench. It snowed, I remember. It was the first snow of the year!” Eeteuk exclaimed with a smile. It was 6 years ago when he last step foot on Gangnam Forest Park’s ground. He had a lot of chances to go back and visit but he was just too preoccupied. Gazing at the trees, the pond nearby, the thick leaves on the ground; it brings back memories to him - memories that he had forgotten for the past 6 years.
Eeteuk glanced at the guy sitting beside him. When he didn’t respond, Eeteuk put his attention at the pond on front of them.
“I remember you tried swimming there but got ended up getting scolded by the guard.” Eeteuk cheerfully added as he holds Kangin’s hand a little tighter. Kangin did the craziest things just to prove to him that he did love Eeteuk. And even though it was a little embarrassing, it was really amusing for Eeteuk to see Kangin do things willingly for him.
“Happy memories...” Eeteuk heard Kangin muttered weakly.
Eeteuk beamed at him, He faced Kangin and caressed his lover’s cheeks. He laid his head at Kangin’s strong shoulder. “I know. I wish we could stay like this. No one judging us - just like this.”
Eeteuk felt Kangin’s tear drops on his cheek. He looks up at him and gently kisses his cheeks. “Kangin-ah, you have to be strong.”
There was a moment of silence. Eeteuk let it be. He felt that Kangin needs it and so does he. And besides he liked it this way. Silence hides pain even though he knew it wouldn’t put it away at least it helps cure the wounds.
The trees sway as the cold breeze passes. The moon’s reflection on the pond is quite visible as it gives a rose petal sparks effect on the pond. Eeteuk can hear the murmuring of the crickets and the twittering of the birds. They were alone but together in the place where they first confessed their love to each other.
Eeteuk closes his eyes. He tried to reminisce all the times that they were together. He remembers the time where Kangin surprised him after long hours of work. He cried at that time and Kangin, seeing him with tears in his eyes and a red nose, hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t make you cry again.” Kangin whispered that night.
There was a time, wherein he received a lot of criticism and he wrote something in his cyworld page on how hard it is to keep living as an artist these times. Kangin went home skipping his schedule and asked Eeteuk to join him for a drink. He remembered Kangin listened to him with sincerity as he informed him all his insecurities and doubt. Kangin held his hand the whole night and he never let go.
In China, Eeteuk desperately felt the need to scold the members. He can’t remember the reason though but instead of ticking off the group he ended up scolding Kangin instead. He never said a word. He just bowed his head even though he was being scolded in front of everybody. Eeteuk wanted to say sorry the next day but Kangin said that it was okay. “You needed to scold somebody and besides I won’t let you scold the younger ones. They might misunderstand.” Eeteuk remembered Kangin saying.
He remembers their first anniversary together when Kangin gave him 40 pink tulips and a piano-organ for him to use when he writes some music. He promised Kangin that he will write him a song but because of a busy schedule he wasn’t able to start one.
Last January, the night of his birthday, after everybody greeted him, he patiently waited for Kangin to go home for them to celebrate. When he lost his patience and decided to sleep, Kangin came rushing from the door, with a big white bear in his hands. Eeteuk was angry at that time and went to his room banging the door at Kangin. The next morning, he found Kangin sleeping in the couch with the bear and found out from Hyuk Jae that Kangin had his schedule cancelled so he can celebrate Eeteuk’s birthday.
After breaking up with his cheater girlfriend, he found himself alone and wanted to kill his life once and for all. Kangin scolded him and told him to be strong. He cuddles beside Kangin the whole day, as he cries his eyes out. Kangin left him the next day and asked Sungmin to take care of him while he’s gone. Eeuteuk found out though that Kangin confronted his ex and demanded for an apology. Eeuetuk slapped Kangin for embarrassing him and Kangin just gaze at him with a sad face and did not say a word.
Kangin gave him a ring on their 100th day anniversary. Eeteuk told him that he can’t wear it because of the media and the netizens. And he realized that he hadn’t worn it all. Not even once.
Eeteuk opened his eyes and find Kangin resting his head on his. It was quiet and he can hear his own breath. He holds Kangin’s hand and kisses it.
When Kangin first kissed him here he remembers the younger one promising him that he’ll always be willing for him. Eeteuk didn’t want believe it at first but Kangin really did. Even not on purpose, he knew everything Kangin did was for him and he, really, did it willingly.
Eeteuk felt Kangin’s hand let go. He holds it back tightly as he hugs Kangin’s arm near him.
“I won’t let go.”
“You have to let go, Hyung.”
“I won’t... I can’t.”
“You have too, Jungsu-ah.”
Eeteuk noticed the voice behind him. It wasn’t Kangin’s. It was somebody else’s. He turned his back and saw Heechul and Hyukjae behind them panting. Heechul who looks like he hadn’t slept for a while walks to him slowly. He sits beside him and sadly looks at the pond.
“Kangin told me about this place once so I figured that you guys might be here... This is where you guys became official, am I right?” Heechul said without looking at him.
Eeteuk nodded and gaped at Kangin who’s resting his head now on Eeteuk’s shoulder.
“Hyung, everybody’s looking for you guys...” Hyukjae said as he approached Eeteuk’s back and gave him a small gentle pat.
“Kangin needed some peace,” Eeteuk replied, biting his lower lip. “I have to bring him here...”
Heechul gawked at him with a straight face. “Jungsu-ah, it’s not your fault... it was his.”
Eeteuk glared at him. Hyuk Jae back off a little after seeing his hyung’s angry reaction. Heechul on the other hand just watch Eeteuk with an empty face. “Shut up Heechul-ah! It was never his fault! How dare you say that in front of him! He can hear you!”
“He won’t. He’s gone, Eeteuk!” Heechul held strongly as he put his eyes back at the silent pond.
Eeteuk covered his ears. No, Kangin is alive and breathing. Heechul is lying. He was just talking with him about their relationship together.
“I know it’s hard for you hyung... but we need to bring him back.” Hyukjae finally said after a moment of silence.
“Hyukjae, SHUT UP! He called me! He asked me to bring him here... I can’t believe you guys!!” Eeteuk exclaimed, dumbfounded from his dongseng’s words. He turns his head as he raise his hand and slap Hyukjae hard on his face. “You rude basta-“
Before he could finish, Heechul stood up and slap him on his face. Eeteuk glared at him but this time his tears were flowing on his face.
“Kangin called me, Chul-ah. He did...” Eeteuk cried, trying to catch his breath.
“I know. I think Kangin called you before he hit the gas straight to the light post.” Heechul silently answered, as he sat back beside Eeteuk.
“He called. He was bidding goodbye. But I didn’t listen. He always does, that Kangin-ah. He always listens to me. I never did.” Eeteuk weakly said.
Hyukjae hugged him from the back as he let his hyung release his pain. “Hyung, it’ll be okay...”
“You don’t understand Hyukjae. I scolded him after that incident in the bar without hearing his reasons. I was embarrassed by him and asked him to leave me alone. He began drinking and I never cared until he hit a cab and had hurt some passengers. I was so mad, so embarrassed, so disgusted...”
Heechul and Hyuk Jae kept quiet for a moment. The cold breeze passed them giving chill to the now silent three boys.
“I asked him to stop embarrassing Super Junior... and to just leave us for a while.” Eeteuk explained, trying to ignore the pain that pricks him like a needle to his heart.
“Jungsu-ah, look at me. Kangin loved you so much - and he had probably wanted to get away. But just like a wild flower the edge of a cliff, he wanted to find peace within himself. And he found it. We may blame ourselves but that was his decision. A wild flower only lives on the edge of the cliff, and when it rains, it’ll fall down. I know he’s strong and all that, but sometimes when everything gets too tough, like the flower, he gets fragile bit by bit... and it might be our fault that we weren’t there. But it was his decision to take his own life and face his problems alone. He probably wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed anymore. He loved you.” Heechul explained in a deep tone, his eyes tearing.
“I wasn’t even able to apologize to him or tell him I was wrong and that I will always be by his side whatever happens...” Eeteuk regretfully said.
“He heard you, Jungsu-ah. He will always listen to you. And I know that wherever he is right now, he will always be beside you.”
Eeteuk take a last look at Kangin. He observes him for a moment. His beautiful smiley eyes are not visible anymore. Kangin had his eyes closed and gave an impression of relief and piece. His once strong body now looks weak and helpless. His arms are covered with blood and so is his t-shirt and pants. His lips that are once cherry are now dry and cold like his hands that used to be warm and gentle.
Eeteuk realized that he was the one that muttered, “Happy Memories”, and the tears that he felt was Kangin’s was really his. He sadly smiled at himself. He wish he knew this will happen so he could have save Kangin from his misery and not push him away. He can never see Kangin again. He can't accept the fact that he's gone forever. He wanted to hear his voice again just so he can remember it. He wanted to see his smile or hear his laugh. He wanted to hold him or kiss him, touch him. He wanted to see Kangin's gorgeous face again. He had so many things to say and so many broken promises to make up but he had lost his chances. He never even had a chance to apologize to Kangin.
"You know what Hyukjae, Heechul-ah, what pains me the most is the fact that I will miss him so much. He's just beside me but why do I feel like I can never have him?" Eeteuk said.
Heechul and Hyukjae gave him a sad smile as they watch him caress Kangin's cold face.
Swallowing hard, Eeteuk take a deep breath and lean his lips at Kangin’s cold lips.
“I’m sorry, Youngwoon-ah. I had to let you go now. Saranghae.”
Heechul suddenly felt a snowflake fall on his hand. He and Hyukjae looked up at the dark sky and saw that it was snowing. Heechul smiled to himself as he put his eyes back at Eeteuk and Kangin. It was the first snow of the year.