(no subject)
Past Carfax, he came into view, leaning against the wall, one leg wrapped around the other and fixated on his phone as one is when they're don't want to be caught waiting. We didn't wave, just walked towards each other for 'the debrief.'
He suggested we go to Christchurch meadow 'you seem to like it there' he teased. We walked and talked. First about who must know and then recalling elements of the night. He said he had been the one who was less drunk. He reminded me of my attempt at scaling the meadow gates and him pulling me down (I recalled his lilting persuasion 'no no no, that's not a good idea'), me nearly rolling my ankle, and then missing my bus. I said I remembered the important bits. We laughed about the things that happened. He said that 'person to person' he didn't regret it... But because of my situation, and my living status - relationship... He said he didn't normally do this when he was with someone' I told him I was finishing with Rich because of it, and why I wanted him to know that, because even if nothing else were to happen- 'I take responsibility for my actions. And I don't usually do this kind of thing either.'
I asked him how he felt about it. 'Its bad timing.' I don't know why I still feel like he meant that genuinely, as though he actually would want more with me if not for that fact. 'I'm moving to Rotterdam. And Anna, who I had a fling with, I think I told you? I ended that just before Friday, which maybe contributed to it.'
I half-joked half-enquired that I was rebound and he refuted the notion. He suggested he'd taken advantage and I refuted that.
We walked on, through the golden grounds of Christchurch in the autumnal sun up to the river. He told me he didn't want to leave Oxford now, he'd been so excited about the post in Rotterdam but back here he felt at home. I said how Oxford makes itself home so easily, I told him he'd forget about it when he got settled and started his PhD and he said disbelievingly 'no!'
We stopped, stared at the jade river and a rowing team disturbing it.
'Is this where we hijack a boat?' 'Oh you' he cooed, wait, did he not realise I'd meant that so innocently, 'oh youuu. I thought we'd left that behind us. 'Oh, did we? My mistake!' Why all the lingering looks, the grinning and overt wink in that case, Bastian?
We started to walk back, talking about other things, his sisters. What his name meant in Dutch, literally, on board a boat.
I felt unsettled that he thought I'd been coming on to him, and more so that he'd denounced me. The feeling had sapped my energy for conversation.
He asked me how Rich took it,
'Rich? ...Richard?' He scrutinised me.
I stumbled a bit, not wanting to explain the grief of that situation 'I didn't tell him about you, just that I didn't see any future in it. And for all these years I've been waiting to feel something, but it's just that we get on so well and have loads in common but that chemistry never arrived.'
'That spark' he said, acknowledging the electricity that night witnessed, how distant it now seemed. 'And then SOME GUY comes along!'
'Exactly. And then you come along... But it's not your fault!' We both looked up and I saw his expression was analytical. 'You just clarified what I already knew.'
I asked him what he was doing with the rest of his evening and he said he'd probably meet Craig and Sabir at the jam factory and I could come but it might be too indicative.
I felt the evening slipping through my fingers like the oars through the water. I clutched at it, asking if he wanted to go for a drink beforehand.
'Is that a good idea?' He grimaced.
'Is it a BAD idea?'
'I think it would complicate things. I said OK, I didn't want a harassment case.
'Oh?' He chided 'I could do that?'
'..No.' I replicated the humour of a nervous Lisa Simpson.
'You have your professional reputation to uphold... I'm still close to Anna and it wouldn't be fair on either of you. I'm leaving.'
BAM BAM BAM. Shut down.
'You understand?' It was so gently tailored an instruction.
'Of course.' Nope. Don't wanna.
I struggled for the sentiment 'I just feel like I kept my distance all those months and now, I want to get to know the person who I...' Threw three and a half years of life and everything within it away on, is what I was thinking, but it was too heavy to allow it to crystallise, so who knows if he really knew what I was getting at. It wasn't just what I was getting at actually. The truth is I didn't want him to be a one night stand. I wanted him to be a romance, or a friend for the remaining duration because that's all we could be, not a black hole.
'I know...but what about your reputation as HR manager' it was rhetoric, a blow off.
'Otherwise you'd be the girl who fucked the intern.' He laughed and then quickly slumped at his words'that sounds awful when you say it like that, I didn't mean it like that, but you know. I'm going away'
'So going forward, you just want to go back to how we were?'
'Yeah, well, that and a little bit more..' He shrugged. I got that he meant, whatever we were now, static. 'That's the best thing.'
'I hate that you're right.'
'I'm sad too' he said motioning at his heart'because I think you're awesome.'
That hurt. Not awesome enough.
He hugged me and I felt him kiss my head'so we're cool?'
'Of course.'
We crossed the road awkwardly. I said 'for what it's worth, I think you're an amazing person. And it was nice to feel like teenagers again for one night.' He looked unhappy, or awkward, maybe both and maybe said 'that's nice' but I'm not sure it completely came out, or if I just imagined it. I hated how uncomfortable it was. I hated my desperation. He gave me another hug, it wasn't a squeeze. If anyone had seen us we would have convinced them in that moment that none of it could have happened. How could such an empty embrace be faked by two people so recently familiar with the deepest levels of one another.
And we said bye.
He suggested we go to Christchurch meadow 'you seem to like it there' he teased. We walked and talked. First about who must know and then recalling elements of the night. He said he had been the one who was less drunk. He reminded me of my attempt at scaling the meadow gates and him pulling me down (I recalled his lilting persuasion 'no no no, that's not a good idea'), me nearly rolling my ankle, and then missing my bus. I said I remembered the important bits. We laughed about the things that happened. He said that 'person to person' he didn't regret it... But because of my situation, and my living status - relationship... He said he didn't normally do this when he was with someone' I told him I was finishing with Rich because of it, and why I wanted him to know that, because even if nothing else were to happen- 'I take responsibility for my actions. And I don't usually do this kind of thing either.'
I asked him how he felt about it. 'Its bad timing.' I don't know why I still feel like he meant that genuinely, as though he actually would want more with me if not for that fact. 'I'm moving to Rotterdam. And Anna, who I had a fling with, I think I told you? I ended that just before Friday, which maybe contributed to it.'
I half-joked half-enquired that I was rebound and he refuted the notion. He suggested he'd taken advantage and I refuted that.
We walked on, through the golden grounds of Christchurch in the autumnal sun up to the river. He told me he didn't want to leave Oxford now, he'd been so excited about the post in Rotterdam but back here he felt at home. I said how Oxford makes itself home so easily, I told him he'd forget about it when he got settled and started his PhD and he said disbelievingly 'no!'
We stopped, stared at the jade river and a rowing team disturbing it.
'Is this where we hijack a boat?' 'Oh you' he cooed, wait, did he not realise I'd meant that so innocently, 'oh youuu. I thought we'd left that behind us. 'Oh, did we? My mistake!' Why all the lingering looks, the grinning and overt wink in that case, Bastian?
We started to walk back, talking about other things, his sisters. What his name meant in Dutch, literally, on board a boat.
I felt unsettled that he thought I'd been coming on to him, and more so that he'd denounced me. The feeling had sapped my energy for conversation.
He asked me how Rich took it,
'Rich? ...Richard?' He scrutinised me.
I stumbled a bit, not wanting to explain the grief of that situation 'I didn't tell him about you, just that I didn't see any future in it. And for all these years I've been waiting to feel something, but it's just that we get on so well and have loads in common but that chemistry never arrived.'
'That spark' he said, acknowledging the electricity that night witnessed, how distant it now seemed. 'And then SOME GUY comes along!'
'Exactly. And then you come along... But it's not your fault!' We both looked up and I saw his expression was analytical. 'You just clarified what I already knew.'
I asked him what he was doing with the rest of his evening and he said he'd probably meet Craig and Sabir at the jam factory and I could come but it might be too indicative.
I felt the evening slipping through my fingers like the oars through the water. I clutched at it, asking if he wanted to go for a drink beforehand.
'Is that a good idea?' He grimaced.
'Is it a BAD idea?'
'I think it would complicate things. I said OK, I didn't want a harassment case.
'Oh?' He chided 'I could do that?'
'..No.' I replicated the humour of a nervous Lisa Simpson.
'You have your professional reputation to uphold... I'm still close to Anna and it wouldn't be fair on either of you. I'm leaving.'
BAM BAM BAM. Shut down.
'You understand?' It was so gently tailored an instruction.
'Of course.' Nope. Don't wanna.
I struggled for the sentiment 'I just feel like I kept my distance all those months and now, I want to get to know the person who I...' Threw three and a half years of life and everything within it away on, is what I was thinking, but it was too heavy to allow it to crystallise, so who knows if he really knew what I was getting at. It wasn't just what I was getting at actually. The truth is I didn't want him to be a one night stand. I wanted him to be a romance, or a friend for the remaining duration because that's all we could be, not a black hole.
'I know...but what about your reputation as HR manager' it was rhetoric, a blow off.
'Otherwise you'd be the girl who fucked the intern.' He laughed and then quickly slumped at his words'that sounds awful when you say it like that, I didn't mean it like that, but you know. I'm going away'
'So going forward, you just want to go back to how we were?'
'Yeah, well, that and a little bit more..' He shrugged. I got that he meant, whatever we were now, static. 'That's the best thing.'
'I hate that you're right.'
'I'm sad too' he said motioning at his heart'because I think you're awesome.'
That hurt. Not awesome enough.
He hugged me and I felt him kiss my head'so we're cool?'
'Of course.'
We crossed the road awkwardly. I said 'for what it's worth, I think you're an amazing person. And it was nice to feel like teenagers again for one night.' He looked unhappy, or awkward, maybe both and maybe said 'that's nice' but I'm not sure it completely came out, or if I just imagined it. I hated how uncomfortable it was. I hated my desperation. He gave me another hug, it wasn't a squeeze. If anyone had seen us we would have convinced them in that moment that none of it could have happened. How could such an empty embrace be faked by two people so recently familiar with the deepest levels of one another.
And we said bye.