darkness to light.
exactly 2 months ago i started a journal to cope with my grief of a love lost. it was purple and chosen because i was determined to renew, start over, thrash out all the confusion, anger and futile bargaining that were consuming me from inside. when i look at some of the scrawly mess in there, it reminds me of the internalised chaos and self-destruction which defined my average day. i've never written so much in my entire life.
today i started a new one in white, symbolic of clarity and light. it took me that long to come to this point but i'm glad i did. with each passing day, i became surer about what i had to do to fix myself. i couldn't just run away or dwell on the bad stuff, rather it was a concerted effort to make a real change. i told my friend-colleague the other day that i had put on such a tiring facade of calm the entire time only to convince others and myself that i was doing ok. but the private moments were often painful and shaky.
i've finally reached what is called a phase of calm acceptance, at a much healthier pace. perhaps i rushed myself through it in the beginning because of my innate impatience with weakness. now i realise that it isn't always a bad thing to acknowledge that weakness, because when we do, we confront it and embrace that as a sum of our parts. we shouldn't have to fear it, but say, yes, it hurts but no, i don't need to pretend it doesn't. that is paradoxically the ideal way to become stronger.
these days i don't thrash around in my journal. the entries are usually about defining moments of inner harmony, when you center yourself for that moment and let everything around you connect with your mind body and soul. it sounds all whimsical but it's really possible.
breathe
confront
embrace
be
that's like a mantra which always helps me to deal with the daily speedbumps. even the worst possible situation isn't a biggie because we don't let it overwhelm us. i apply that to everything in my day, from that mini-crisis of having a bad pipe in your plumbing to the larger ones like having a health-scare situation highlighted by your boss. because when you shift your perspective and focus on the bigger picture, it will surprise you how small it is and shouldn't warrant anxiety.
i'm just glad i have an outlet in my writing (rambling). it's amazing how much we subconsciously deal with when we write freely. i attribute a lot of this to buddhist philosophy because it is about the simplest axioms, which doesn't seek anything other than to achieve nothing. haha common sense isn't as common as we'd like to think, eh?
peace out.
goodnite, chums.
