Positive Reviews, Day One
"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
For those following me on DA, I've started a campaign to combat the negativity spreading through fanfiction.net. Since I can't stop those who would write nasty reviews and chase would-be writers, I decided to start my own brand of reviewing. Positive critical reviews. So this December, I am wandering fanfiction.net, posting as many positive reviews as I can and encouraging others to do the same.
I've started with the stories that have been hit by the reviewer who has been using the holiday season to start to her 900 negative review parade. And hopefully, my reviews will help cheer them up if they were upset by the other reviewer, and encourage them to keep writing! :)
Secrets by fujin of shadows
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558653/1/Secrets
I meant to review your story properly, but I'm afraid I wasted my chance in telling you about Farla.
I wish I could actually post this on your review section- to give you a kinder review, but I messed that up.
So instead I'll leave my review for you here.
First off, I'll let you know that I love Ash. And you did an excellent job portraying him. His childishness and his pride. All accurate and accounted for.
I love the title. It's simple but it means a lot. And I think it works for the story- perfectly encompassing it all in one tiny neat word.
I do wish that you had mentioned Elena's name up front, as the majority of us, do not know her and thus it is not real shock twist when you release her name at the end. He knows what her name is. The story is being told mostly through Ash, so we should know her name as well.
Elena is described as having white hair. White is an unusual color so you should push that description. Like white how? Snowy? Icy? Silver? Does it look frothy? Curly? Straight? How is Elena beautiful to Ash? The shape of her face? Long neck? Pretty eyes? Fantastic curves?
And when Ash misses her does he miss her laugh? Her smile? Her hair? Her breasts or her butt (well he is a boy, isn't he)? And if you want this to seem more than just a shallow relationship with little chemistry, which I think you do by your author's note- really show us how they met. What they have in common. What they like to do together besides kissing. Can she swim? Do they go skinny dipping (boy again. just saying)? Do they like to dance together? Does she have a nice voice? Show us a training montage between them. That would be interesting.
You say passion a bit to much. I think that's because you are searching for the words. Describe the passion. Does he run his hands through her hair? Forget to breathe when he kisses her? Explore her body with his hands (again... this is a young boy we are talking about)?
The lockets you describe sound beautiful. One appearing like wings and the other like a cross. I really wish you could embellish upon them some more. I was really interested in their significance. Are they bond to each other? Are they handing off something like wedding or promise rings to each other in the form of lockets? Or are they supernatural in nature? Will now their hearts be forcefully bond together? Is Elena actually a villain in disguise leading Ash into some nefarious plot? And now he's bound to her, subject to her will? It can go many ways. You've got me intrigued.
I like how she calls him "my prince". It's both touching and kind of creepy at the same time. As you can tell, I'm still leaning towards the villain scenario. I'm so sorry if that's not the case though. I just love sadistic bad guys. Especially female bad guys. They seem to be the most vindictive and effective villains.
As we go further into the story I realize that the prince phrase isn't necessarily meant as just a term of affection. Ash actually appears to be some sort of prince. And Aura prince. Which while I have no idea what an Aura prince is, though I suspect it has something to do with the Lucario movie, it sounds totally awesome. Turns out it IS really awesome, as you start introduce that Ash has some super powers. Wow... that's so cool. I love it! I really love how the powers seem to effect Pikachu as well. Healing aura is introduced, which is a nice touch.
And then you explain briefly why Ash had difficultly using offensive attacks.
Oh I want to thank you for have pikachu actually speak in the story. It sucks trying to get past the pika pikas sometimes. Much nicer when he just talks.
It's just a brief mention but it caught my eye. So it's like because he has so much massive aura, it's hard to condense it in such a way that he can expel it from himself. But yet he can shield well enough. It's just the attacks that cause him problems. Can he not shape the aura properly? Is he like Naruto with too much charka to handle? Or is it a psychological factor? That Ash is in fact not a violent person and can not quite bring himself to induce harm of the metaphysical kind?
Oh don't describe Ash's meetings with the girl as "that time of the month". It sounds like Ash has a male version of a menstrual cycle. Gah. Scary. Instead try to say something like "He's acting funny again" or "I guess it's that time again."
You introduce Acerus as a girl. Which I assume this story was written before the latest movie came out so you weren't quite aware of Acerus' gender yet. But I personally like the idea of Acerus being a girl. His voice in the movie was kinda gay. And I always assumed that Acerus was female- the mother of the pokemon race. So this interpetation is nice.
Let me just add, that I love how the eighth movie is included. The time flower is a fantastic addition. You know we all wanted Ash to learn more about Aura. It's awesome to see that I'm not alone in my rewrites of the movie. I do wish you would explain how Ash trains with a time flower. Does Lucario's essence appear out of the flower to train him like Yoda? Does the time flower throw Ash into training scenerios to act out? And aura can show emotions that Pikachu can see. How very inventive, I like.
Pikachu's attack, the dark spark. Kickass name. But I wanna see what it does. All I know for sure is that it's dangerous.
But through all of this, I do have some important questions to ask you.
Who is Koyuki? A pokemon? Is she the white lucario that is hanging around?
How old is Ash? And how old is this girlfriend? At the moment it sounds like Ash is merely a child dating a grown woman. It's kinda creepy actually. You might want to address that.
Why does Ash need to keep his girlfriend secret? Who is she? Is she also an aura guardian? Why does Ash feel the need to train her? Does the white Lucario train Ash? How and where did they meet? You mention an accident but it isn't explained. Did pikachu blow up her bike too?
Why do they need to separate? Why don't they just text each other or call more often?
Why does Ash love her? And does he? So far, I can only tell that he seems to feel passionate about kissing her. And she him.
Why does the Lucario refer to Ash as father and Elena as mother? Why does pikachu refer to Ash as brother?
And why doesn't Dawn just confess her feelings for Ash? And is there any way you can think of to show her crush on Ash? Like does she stare at him while he's by the campfire? Try to peek on him when he's getting dressed in the morning (I'm not sure if Dawn would do this. I haven't watched Pokemon since Johto Leagues). Does she gussy herself up whenever she's near him? Can we see how she flirts with him? Does she laugh too much when he says things? All signs pointing to a crush.
You do have a few typos here. Nothing that a few once overs or a beta reader wouldn't help fix. Try to stay in one tense when you write. Avoid scene directions like (end flashback) or (scene changes) if you just put in three xxx we can tell that it's a scene change and it's a little less jarring. Another thing that would be a bit less jarring is to use italics where you use bold. It makes it seem more like they are drawing out the word rather than just saying it louder.
Try not to use dialogue to push your exposition. For example, don't have your characters start saying what you should be telling us instead. Like the pokemon he caught that the rest of them didn't know about. Elena and Ash probably wouldn't say that to each other if they already knew it.
And try to make your dialogue sound a bit more natural. It's hard but if you start reading it out loud and practice, it should come more naturally. Right now your dialogue seem a bit archaic. Which makes Elena's and Ash's relationship seem like it were being performed on stage rather than being a private moment between just the two of them. But I understand it will take time to get used to hearing the dialogue change- so don't feel overwhelmed...
.. if it doesn't come to you right away. It took me several years to start developing a better voice for my characters and they still don't always come out right.
And don't feel the need to insert little author notes in the story. We figure you'll introduce Elena at the end so there wasn't really a need to tell us so. And we kinda figured after the first time that Dawn had a crush on Ash.
I do have a few more questions to ask you though. When you say Ash is training in the middle of the lake, did that mean he was underwater? And if that was the case, we should have really been front seat to that training sequence.
Why do they face fall when Ash asked them if there were something on his face?
What musical instrument can Ash play? Did you invent it? Or is it a real instrument? Please say flute! That would be nifty.
When pikachu says, "he only asks mature when she's around, not that I could blame him" what does that mean? She only like his maturity? She makes him mature? He has to be mature for her? Is pikachu attracted to Elena too? I'm confused.
And last but not least,
“But at least I was able to master my ability.” “(That’s a low blow, Ash).”
That was awesome. Loved that line. :D Wanted to add BURN to the end of it.
Anyway, I hope you have a fabulous holiday season! Please keep up your stories! You're doing fantastically. And I hope to see more of your work in the future!
The Elements of Hoenn by HeroGuardian
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558933/1/Pokemon_Ichiros_Chronicles#
I'm sorry that I wasted my review earlier. And unfortunately since you don't accept anonymous reviews, I can't post my review on your story.
So instead I'll post my review here.
It looks like you are rewriting the Gold and Silver games... I think. Either that or next set. I get them confused. It's an interesting concept, but I think you started too early in the story. You really need to catch us right off the bat. Maybe Ichiro is being attacked by a wild pokemon? Or maybe he and his "girlfriend" have gotten separated in the woods and now Ichiro is lost. Since most people reading a pokemon fic have already seen or played a pokemon game, this intro is nothing new. You need to add something new to really pull us in.
P.S. I love the name Ichiro. It's very cute.
I liked the point of mentioning the show- who would sleep in on a day like this? But again, sleeping in was an introduction of a flaw for Ash Ketchum. And a sort of explanation of Ash's character without having to write it down for us. He's passionate about becoming a pokemon master but he's also careless, clumsy and bit of an idiot. But because of these things we want to keep watching. What else will he screw up? How the heck is this kid supposed to survive out on his own? His pokemon doesn't even like him.
You need to ask yourself, what could go wrong and make it go wrong. We like it in stories with something bad happens. It makes things more interesting and it keeps us hooked. So start it off with something bad happening. Maybe he can't make the first day to get his pokemon because he's sick. Maybe he injured himself trying to catch a pokemon before he could legally obtain one. Maybe his rival turned ten before him- and already left. Leaving Ichiro desperately trying to follow.
Ask yourself, who is Ichiro? What does he want? To be friends with his rival again? What are his immediate goals? What are his flaws? Is he easily excitable? It is to impulsive? Is a brash hero? Does he jump to conclusions?
I know these questions can be hard, but because this is an OC story you have to work a bit harder than most fanfiction writers. Since I work with the cannon characters- I already have a connection to the reviewers. They know Ash, Misty and Pikachu. And I'm just reaffirming what they know. You however have to introduce us to your characters. And it's much harder. I've been struggling with my novels for years trying to get it right, I know.
I love Ichiro's mother. She's adorable. And Ichiro's rival too, is a nice addition. But I still feel like we are only getting half of the story so far. Why does Ichiro's rival start avoiding Ichiro? Was it sudden or was it gradual. The flashback seemed to make it sudden. If this was a gradual change you should put some indication in. like ichiro asking why he never plays with them anymore? or why is he so obsessed with pokemon lately? unless, of course, he did change overnight. in which case, the flashback works as is.
on a nitty gritty english major standpoint, there are a few things i'd like to point out. one being that dialogue tends to be a bit forced in places. it's not bad, just a bit stale. try reading it out loud to bring back the natural flow. you're really very close to getting there, it's just not quite there yet.
for example, the mother calling Ichiro kid was a bit strange. it could very well be that she refers to him that way. but i didn't expect it and it sounded strange coming from her.
you also have a bit of a tendency to get carried away in the actions. you can just say that they hugged instead of that longwinded description of the hug. only give that sort of description when the action is of some sort of importance. like the person has a knife in their hand or they were just reunited after years of being separated. if they are just simply sharing a hug- then it's better just to say, and then they hugged.
the description of clothing too is a bit to listy. but that's just my personal opinion. I tend to ignore a list of what clothes people are wearing unless they tell it to me in a creative fashion. it's hard to do, as when we look at a person we see what they look like instantly. but in fiction, it feels like you are dragging the story down when you describe what they are wearing. I'm not saying you should describe what they are wearing- it's just that sometimes, you need to spice things up and introduce their apparel creatively.
the rival's name should be said sooner. because Ichiro knows his name, we should know it too since we are following him around.
overall, this story is very well written. you have creative names, a good setting, and a whole lot of promise! I hope that I'll see more from you in the future!
Have a very merry christmas and happy new year!
Hate this Place by Blackballon.m.94
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558953/1/Hate_This_Place
Although I don't particularly like songfics since they lead to a lot of summary and half the story isn't the author's work, I used to write them. So I while I don't like them any more, I understand the temptation to write them.
But the story in this was great. It really didn't need the song clogging it up. It does fine on its own.
I'm a diehard pokeshipper so, of course, I partial to the idea of this story. It's a bit overdone, but the conflict of pregnancy is dramatic enough to do with rewrites.
Though I do hope they are a lot older rather than just a bit older. This would be all kinds of awkward and difficult if Misty were like twelve or something.
You should really start this story with the words "Ash, I'm pregnant" or better yet "Ash, I'm late." Then the conflict is thrown right into our face in the beginning. We're hooked. We want to find out what happens. It's a great opening, and you already provided it for yourself in your work, just need to push it up to the first line.
Remember to space out your dialogue. Every time a new person speaks you should go down a line.
I find it hard to believe that Ash would propose to her right then and there. I think it'd be more likely that he'd walk away with the ring in his pocket going, why couldn't I say it? However I do like the idea of Ash wanting to stay with her. But not so much that he would want to get down on one knee right then and there. You seem to know this was weird as you had Ash defend his actions with "i'm not doing this because of the baby" but all i could think when he said that was that he WAS doing that for the baby.
I like how Misty was reluctant to say yes. But not so much that she did say yes. She should have said maybe. That would have thrown Ash for a loop. Then you could write out a really painful and emotionally wrought argument that would have been awesome to read.
I love the scene where Misty wakes up and she finds Ash gone and she has a panic attack. Almost enough to want you to start the story there. Except Ash inevitably comes back so it wouldn't work as an opening unless he didn't come back.
Overall, this story is well written and a compelling story. I just think it'd work much better without the song fic portion. But I'm opinionated about song fics, so don't take my word for it. Others would disagree with me of course.
I want to wish you happy holidays! Hope you keep writing! And maybe we'll run into each other again in the future!
oh mickey you’re so fine by manhattan
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559001/1/oh_mickey_youre_so_fine
Lawls. The title of this story just makes me think of Yugioh Abridged.
Hey dukie you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind! Hey Dukie! Hey Dukie!
Anyway... back on track.
this story has a great opening. and I mean that really. I mean, wow. i loved how Gold said, he realized it was more of a threat than a question. i really pulls us in and i was throughly impressed. excellent job there.
however, after that I get lost. there's so many names but there's no clear indication of where we are how many people are around and what exactly is going on. apparently someone is having their hair sucked on and now someone else won't be invited to a party...
i was kinda disappointed because it started out so well. but it's just too short! you need to continue it. give us more. because you truly have a great opening, interesting conflict but you just didn't write enough!
and that's easy enough to fix, right?
anyway, keep writing. happy holidays! and i hope to see more of your work in the future!
Barry's Jealous by IronwillshippingFOREVER
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559268/1/Barrys_Jealous#
Well uh. This story is really short. It's kinda got a nice ring to it. But I'm not sure exactly who the speaker is or what is really taking place.
Who is Marley? His new girlfriend? I'm confused.
This sounds like it would make a good folk song. But not really a good fanfic.
Why don't you try fleshing this story out. Give it more action and description. Right now we've only got the bare bones of something.
I will say however the dialogue is good. Except for the part where Dawn says she "bound already". I'm not sure who would say that in referring to their being engaged or married. It sounds like she's shackled or something.
But yeah, try fleshing this story out some more. You have something interesting here. I'd like to see where you take it.
Happy holidays to you and your best!
a pokemon christmas by TheQueenofanime
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559541/1/a_pokemon_christmas#
I hate to say it but this doesn't really merit a place on fanfiction.net. It's an interesting interpretation of a Christmas song, but I think this would be better put on a livejournal or a short journal entry on DA.
Because Jingle Bells is already a song, it's not like you made up a new song. You just changed a few words. It's interesting but not really a story.
I do hope that you decide to keep writing though. Have a merry Christmas and a happy new year!
Unfortunately my reviews kept getting shorter and shorter because I kept finding shorter and shorters stories. So I'm sorry if some of the reviews don't come out as long as others! Sometimes I just didn't have much to say about what was there! But I tried to be as fair as I could and as friendly as I could. I'm still learning to write good reviews myself. It's kinda like writing a story, writing a review. But I know how infinately precious a good review can be to an author. So it's my gift to you writers this christmas.
Six down. 94 more to go. If you would like me to review your story, please leave a comment here or on my DA page with a link to your story. I'll do my best to get to everyone who comments before I start on the stories I have lined up.
Happy holidays everyone!
-Friedrich Nietzsche
For those following me on DA, I've started a campaign to combat the negativity spreading through fanfiction.net. Since I can't stop those who would write nasty reviews and chase would-be writers, I decided to start my own brand of reviewing. Positive critical reviews. So this December, I am wandering fanfiction.net, posting as many positive reviews as I can and encouraging others to do the same.
I've started with the stories that have been hit by the reviewer who has been using the holiday season to start to her 900 negative review parade. And hopefully, my reviews will help cheer them up if they were upset by the other reviewer, and encourage them to keep writing! :)
Secrets by fujin of shadows
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558653/1/Secrets
I meant to review your story properly, but I'm afraid I wasted my chance in telling you about Farla.
I wish I could actually post this on your review section- to give you a kinder review, but I messed that up.
So instead I'll leave my review for you here.
First off, I'll let you know that I love Ash. And you did an excellent job portraying him. His childishness and his pride. All accurate and accounted for.
I love the title. It's simple but it means a lot. And I think it works for the story- perfectly encompassing it all in one tiny neat word.
I do wish that you had mentioned Elena's name up front, as the majority of us, do not know her and thus it is not real shock twist when you release her name at the end. He knows what her name is. The story is being told mostly through Ash, so we should know her name as well.
Elena is described as having white hair. White is an unusual color so you should push that description. Like white how? Snowy? Icy? Silver? Does it look frothy? Curly? Straight? How is Elena beautiful to Ash? The shape of her face? Long neck? Pretty eyes? Fantastic curves?
And when Ash misses her does he miss her laugh? Her smile? Her hair? Her breasts or her butt (well he is a boy, isn't he)? And if you want this to seem more than just a shallow relationship with little chemistry, which I think you do by your author's note- really show us how they met. What they have in common. What they like to do together besides kissing. Can she swim? Do they go skinny dipping (boy again. just saying)? Do they like to dance together? Does she have a nice voice? Show us a training montage between them. That would be interesting.
You say passion a bit to much. I think that's because you are searching for the words. Describe the passion. Does he run his hands through her hair? Forget to breathe when he kisses her? Explore her body with his hands (again... this is a young boy we are talking about)?
The lockets you describe sound beautiful. One appearing like wings and the other like a cross. I really wish you could embellish upon them some more. I was really interested in their significance. Are they bond to each other? Are they handing off something like wedding or promise rings to each other in the form of lockets? Or are they supernatural in nature? Will now their hearts be forcefully bond together? Is Elena actually a villain in disguise leading Ash into some nefarious plot? And now he's bound to her, subject to her will? It can go many ways. You've got me intrigued.
I like how she calls him "my prince". It's both touching and kind of creepy at the same time. As you can tell, I'm still leaning towards the villain scenario. I'm so sorry if that's not the case though. I just love sadistic bad guys. Especially female bad guys. They seem to be the most vindictive and effective villains.
As we go further into the story I realize that the prince phrase isn't necessarily meant as just a term of affection. Ash actually appears to be some sort of prince. And Aura prince. Which while I have no idea what an Aura prince is, though I suspect it has something to do with the Lucario movie, it sounds totally awesome. Turns out it IS really awesome, as you start introduce that Ash has some super powers. Wow... that's so cool. I love it! I really love how the powers seem to effect Pikachu as well. Healing aura is introduced, which is a nice touch.
And then you explain briefly why Ash had difficultly using offensive attacks.
Oh I want to thank you for have pikachu actually speak in the story. It sucks trying to get past the pika pikas sometimes. Much nicer when he just talks.
It's just a brief mention but it caught my eye. So it's like because he has so much massive aura, it's hard to condense it in such a way that he can expel it from himself. But yet he can shield well enough. It's just the attacks that cause him problems. Can he not shape the aura properly? Is he like Naruto with too much charka to handle? Or is it a psychological factor? That Ash is in fact not a violent person and can not quite bring himself to induce harm of the metaphysical kind?
Oh don't describe Ash's meetings with the girl as "that time of the month". It sounds like Ash has a male version of a menstrual cycle. Gah. Scary. Instead try to say something like "He's acting funny again" or "I guess it's that time again."
You introduce Acerus as a girl. Which I assume this story was written before the latest movie came out so you weren't quite aware of Acerus' gender yet. But I personally like the idea of Acerus being a girl. His voice in the movie was kinda gay. And I always assumed that Acerus was female- the mother of the pokemon race. So this interpetation is nice.
Let me just add, that I love how the eighth movie is included. The time flower is a fantastic addition. You know we all wanted Ash to learn more about Aura. It's awesome to see that I'm not alone in my rewrites of the movie. I do wish you would explain how Ash trains with a time flower. Does Lucario's essence appear out of the flower to train him like Yoda? Does the time flower throw Ash into training scenerios to act out? And aura can show emotions that Pikachu can see. How very inventive, I like.
Pikachu's attack, the dark spark. Kickass name. But I wanna see what it does. All I know for sure is that it's dangerous.
But through all of this, I do have some important questions to ask you.
Who is Koyuki? A pokemon? Is she the white lucario that is hanging around?
How old is Ash? And how old is this girlfriend? At the moment it sounds like Ash is merely a child dating a grown woman. It's kinda creepy actually. You might want to address that.
Why does Ash need to keep his girlfriend secret? Who is she? Is she also an aura guardian? Why does Ash feel the need to train her? Does the white Lucario train Ash? How and where did they meet? You mention an accident but it isn't explained. Did pikachu blow up her bike too?
Why do they need to separate? Why don't they just text each other or call more often?
Why does Ash love her? And does he? So far, I can only tell that he seems to feel passionate about kissing her. And she him.
Why does the Lucario refer to Ash as father and Elena as mother? Why does pikachu refer to Ash as brother?
And why doesn't Dawn just confess her feelings for Ash? And is there any way you can think of to show her crush on Ash? Like does she stare at him while he's by the campfire? Try to peek on him when he's getting dressed in the morning (I'm not sure if Dawn would do this. I haven't watched Pokemon since Johto Leagues). Does she gussy herself up whenever she's near him? Can we see how she flirts with him? Does she laugh too much when he says things? All signs pointing to a crush.
You do have a few typos here. Nothing that a few once overs or a beta reader wouldn't help fix. Try to stay in one tense when you write. Avoid scene directions like (end flashback) or (scene changes) if you just put in three xxx we can tell that it's a scene change and it's a little less jarring. Another thing that would be a bit less jarring is to use italics where you use bold. It makes it seem more like they are drawing out the word rather than just saying it louder.
Try not to use dialogue to push your exposition. For example, don't have your characters start saying what you should be telling us instead. Like the pokemon he caught that the rest of them didn't know about. Elena and Ash probably wouldn't say that to each other if they already knew it.
And try to make your dialogue sound a bit more natural. It's hard but if you start reading it out loud and practice, it should come more naturally. Right now your dialogue seem a bit archaic. Which makes Elena's and Ash's relationship seem like it were being performed on stage rather than being a private moment between just the two of them. But I understand it will take time to get used to hearing the dialogue change- so don't feel overwhelmed...
.. if it doesn't come to you right away. It took me several years to start developing a better voice for my characters and they still don't always come out right.
And don't feel the need to insert little author notes in the story. We figure you'll introduce Elena at the end so there wasn't really a need to tell us so. And we kinda figured after the first time that Dawn had a crush on Ash.
I do have a few more questions to ask you though. When you say Ash is training in the middle of the lake, did that mean he was underwater? And if that was the case, we should have really been front seat to that training sequence.
Why do they face fall when Ash asked them if there were something on his face?
What musical instrument can Ash play? Did you invent it? Or is it a real instrument? Please say flute! That would be nifty.
When pikachu says, "he only asks mature when she's around, not that I could blame him" what does that mean? She only like his maturity? She makes him mature? He has to be mature for her? Is pikachu attracted to Elena too? I'm confused.
And last but not least,
“But at least I was able to master my ability.” “(That’s a low blow, Ash).”
That was awesome. Loved that line. :D Wanted to add BURN to the end of it.
Anyway, I hope you have a fabulous holiday season! Please keep up your stories! You're doing fantastically. And I hope to see more of your work in the future!
The Elements of Hoenn by HeroGuardian
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558933/1/Pokemon_Ichiros_Chronicles#
I'm sorry that I wasted my review earlier. And unfortunately since you don't accept anonymous reviews, I can't post my review on your story.
So instead I'll post my review here.
It looks like you are rewriting the Gold and Silver games... I think. Either that or next set. I get them confused. It's an interesting concept, but I think you started too early in the story. You really need to catch us right off the bat. Maybe Ichiro is being attacked by a wild pokemon? Or maybe he and his "girlfriend" have gotten separated in the woods and now Ichiro is lost. Since most people reading a pokemon fic have already seen or played a pokemon game, this intro is nothing new. You need to add something new to really pull us in.
P.S. I love the name Ichiro. It's very cute.
I liked the point of mentioning the show- who would sleep in on a day like this? But again, sleeping in was an introduction of a flaw for Ash Ketchum. And a sort of explanation of Ash's character without having to write it down for us. He's passionate about becoming a pokemon master but he's also careless, clumsy and bit of an idiot. But because of these things we want to keep watching. What else will he screw up? How the heck is this kid supposed to survive out on his own? His pokemon doesn't even like him.
You need to ask yourself, what could go wrong and make it go wrong. We like it in stories with something bad happens. It makes things more interesting and it keeps us hooked. So start it off with something bad happening. Maybe he can't make the first day to get his pokemon because he's sick. Maybe he injured himself trying to catch a pokemon before he could legally obtain one. Maybe his rival turned ten before him- and already left. Leaving Ichiro desperately trying to follow.
Ask yourself, who is Ichiro? What does he want? To be friends with his rival again? What are his immediate goals? What are his flaws? Is he easily excitable? It is to impulsive? Is a brash hero? Does he jump to conclusions?
I know these questions can be hard, but because this is an OC story you have to work a bit harder than most fanfiction writers. Since I work with the cannon characters- I already have a connection to the reviewers. They know Ash, Misty and Pikachu. And I'm just reaffirming what they know. You however have to introduce us to your characters. And it's much harder. I've been struggling with my novels for years trying to get it right, I know.
I love Ichiro's mother. She's adorable. And Ichiro's rival too, is a nice addition. But I still feel like we are only getting half of the story so far. Why does Ichiro's rival start avoiding Ichiro? Was it sudden or was it gradual. The flashback seemed to make it sudden. If this was a gradual change you should put some indication in. like ichiro asking why he never plays with them anymore? or why is he so obsessed with pokemon lately? unless, of course, he did change overnight. in which case, the flashback works as is.
on a nitty gritty english major standpoint, there are a few things i'd like to point out. one being that dialogue tends to be a bit forced in places. it's not bad, just a bit stale. try reading it out loud to bring back the natural flow. you're really very close to getting there, it's just not quite there yet.
for example, the mother calling Ichiro kid was a bit strange. it could very well be that she refers to him that way. but i didn't expect it and it sounded strange coming from her.
you also have a bit of a tendency to get carried away in the actions. you can just say that they hugged instead of that longwinded description of the hug. only give that sort of description when the action is of some sort of importance. like the person has a knife in their hand or they were just reunited after years of being separated. if they are just simply sharing a hug- then it's better just to say, and then they hugged.
the description of clothing too is a bit to listy. but that's just my personal opinion. I tend to ignore a list of what clothes people are wearing unless they tell it to me in a creative fashion. it's hard to do, as when we look at a person we see what they look like instantly. but in fiction, it feels like you are dragging the story down when you describe what they are wearing. I'm not saying you should describe what they are wearing- it's just that sometimes, you need to spice things up and introduce their apparel creatively.
the rival's name should be said sooner. because Ichiro knows his name, we should know it too since we are following him around.
overall, this story is very well written. you have creative names, a good setting, and a whole lot of promise! I hope that I'll see more from you in the future!
Have a very merry christmas and happy new year!
Hate this Place by Blackballon.m.94
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558953/1/Hate_This_Place
Although I don't particularly like songfics since they lead to a lot of summary and half the story isn't the author's work, I used to write them. So I while I don't like them any more, I understand the temptation to write them.
But the story in this was great. It really didn't need the song clogging it up. It does fine on its own.
I'm a diehard pokeshipper so, of course, I partial to the idea of this story. It's a bit overdone, but the conflict of pregnancy is dramatic enough to do with rewrites.
Though I do hope they are a lot older rather than just a bit older. This would be all kinds of awkward and difficult if Misty were like twelve or something.
You should really start this story with the words "Ash, I'm pregnant" or better yet "Ash, I'm late." Then the conflict is thrown right into our face in the beginning. We're hooked. We want to find out what happens. It's a great opening, and you already provided it for yourself in your work, just need to push it up to the first line.
Remember to space out your dialogue. Every time a new person speaks you should go down a line.
I find it hard to believe that Ash would propose to her right then and there. I think it'd be more likely that he'd walk away with the ring in his pocket going, why couldn't I say it? However I do like the idea of Ash wanting to stay with her. But not so much that he would want to get down on one knee right then and there. You seem to know this was weird as you had Ash defend his actions with "i'm not doing this because of the baby" but all i could think when he said that was that he WAS doing that for the baby.
I like how Misty was reluctant to say yes. But not so much that she did say yes. She should have said maybe. That would have thrown Ash for a loop. Then you could write out a really painful and emotionally wrought argument that would have been awesome to read.
I love the scene where Misty wakes up and she finds Ash gone and she has a panic attack. Almost enough to want you to start the story there. Except Ash inevitably comes back so it wouldn't work as an opening unless he didn't come back.
Overall, this story is well written and a compelling story. I just think it'd work much better without the song fic portion. But I'm opinionated about song fics, so don't take my word for it. Others would disagree with me of course.
I want to wish you happy holidays! Hope you keep writing! And maybe we'll run into each other again in the future!
oh mickey you’re so fine by manhattan
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559001/1/oh_mickey_youre_so_fine
Lawls. The title of this story just makes me think of Yugioh Abridged.
Hey dukie you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind! Hey Dukie! Hey Dukie!
Anyway... back on track.
this story has a great opening. and I mean that really. I mean, wow. i loved how Gold said, he realized it was more of a threat than a question. i really pulls us in and i was throughly impressed. excellent job there.
however, after that I get lost. there's so many names but there's no clear indication of where we are how many people are around and what exactly is going on. apparently someone is having their hair sucked on and now someone else won't be invited to a party...
i was kinda disappointed because it started out so well. but it's just too short! you need to continue it. give us more. because you truly have a great opening, interesting conflict but you just didn't write enough!
and that's easy enough to fix, right?
anyway, keep writing. happy holidays! and i hope to see more of your work in the future!
Barry's Jealous by IronwillshippingFOREVER
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559268/1/Barrys_Jealous#
Well uh. This story is really short. It's kinda got a nice ring to it. But I'm not sure exactly who the speaker is or what is really taking place.
Who is Marley? His new girlfriend? I'm confused.
This sounds like it would make a good folk song. But not really a good fanfic.
Why don't you try fleshing this story out. Give it more action and description. Right now we've only got the bare bones of something.
I will say however the dialogue is good. Except for the part where Dawn says she "bound already". I'm not sure who would say that in referring to their being engaged or married. It sounds like she's shackled or something.
But yeah, try fleshing this story out some more. You have something interesting here. I'd like to see where you take it.
Happy holidays to you and your best!
a pokemon christmas by TheQueenofanime
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559541/1/a_pokemon_christmas#
I hate to say it but this doesn't really merit a place on fanfiction.net. It's an interesting interpretation of a Christmas song, but I think this would be better put on a livejournal or a short journal entry on DA.
Because Jingle Bells is already a song, it's not like you made up a new song. You just changed a few words. It's interesting but not really a story.
I do hope that you decide to keep writing though. Have a merry Christmas and a happy new year!
Unfortunately my reviews kept getting shorter and shorter because I kept finding shorter and shorters stories. So I'm sorry if some of the reviews don't come out as long as others! Sometimes I just didn't have much to say about what was there! But I tried to be as fair as I could and as friendly as I could. I'm still learning to write good reviews myself. It's kinda like writing a story, writing a review. But I know how infinately precious a good review can be to an author. So it's my gift to you writers this christmas.
Six down. 94 more to go. If you would like me to review your story, please leave a comment here or on my DA page with a link to your story. I'll do my best to get to everyone who comments before I start on the stories I have lined up.
Happy holidays everyone!