Sick of being sick

[aworldborn]

Happy about getting better. Prior to getting horribly sick this past week, i was quite depressed. i'd been stressed out about being a new parent, potentially having little to no support from family and worried that my relationship with Kalil and madeline wasn't what it should be. What should it be? What should i be and how should i act? i wanted answers because it just didn't seem like i was doing the right thing. "i must be screwing up somewhere" goes my brain and i was trying to figure out another way of stopping that self-judgment without drinking. Drinking leads me to smoking and more drinking. IT really is a doozy for me, hard for me to control my impulses to consume. It shines a big spotlight, illuminating the hole in my heart and belittles my petty sadness. "What!? THis is what's been bothering you? How stupid and immature, how selfish!" Makes me feel guilty for having thought about such dumb things, wasted my time on these little insignificant fears. I think i'm ugly. I think that i read too slow. I can barely hear anything out of my left ear - i'm practically deaf and it causes me to look like a complete idiot when i don't understand a word that anyone is saying. I don't understand things and so noone should even try explaining. I'm easy game for getting picked on or taken advantage of. All those ideas that i have for working at Firestorm are going to be bad ones.
Now that i'm beginning to feel physically better, i'm beginning to feel better in general about life. I'm smart, i'm able, and i'm cute too! I'll take pride in my failures as if they were actual accomplishments. I'll wield the flaming sword of righteousness as i blaze my way into the new coparenting relationship that i am embarking on. i can multi-task and still make the best love ever. Organizer, lover, father and brother. We craft the best from our best.