Oh come on! He's your best friend for crying out loud! You're both depressed and unhappy and it's not solving anything. And I shouldn't give a damn about any of this, but since I ended up in the middle of two friends, I have to. I hate Madsen. He lays there in class and I'm tempted to go kick his desk to see what'll happen. I bet he'd embarrass himself. He'd deserve it for being such a jackass to me about everything.
But then I go back to Sam being unhappy, and I really hate my conscience at times like these.
"It doesn't make a difference one way or the other.""Need I remind you that you live with him? He's not just some guy you talk to a lot and get in trouble with on a daily basis. You guys take care of each other
( ... )
"Need I remind you that you live with him? He's not just some guy you talk to a lot and get in trouble with on a daily basis. You guys take care of each other."
Wait, how does she know about...
"Who told you I'm not living at home?" I tried to keep my voice from getting sharp, but I couldn't help it. No one at school talked about me having to live with Madsen, because no one had a clue about the real reason, and I'd done everything I could to keep it that way.
"You think I have a nice house, don't you? My parents make sure that I have just about everything that I'll ever need, for any occassion. Even if that means being prepared for snow in California. I do pretty good. You want to know what I don't have?"
I don't know, she seems pretty set to me. Look at this freakin' house. And even if it wasn't that, she's got the friends, the popularity, the talent in God knows how much crap...
"I don't have one friend who cares about me half as much as Madsen seems to care about you."Oh. Yeah, well
( ... )
Okay, now we're getting into this. Daphne told me some warped version of something probably not resembling the truth, and it ended with the fact that he lives with Madsen's family. I know that's not something he'd feel like advertising, but I do know about it.
"A friend. I wasn't trying to throw it in your face. I'm sorry."
I might not think much of Daph, but she'd kill me if they made her the victim of one of their stunts because of her big mouth. She gossips, things get around. People talk.
"Yeah, I guess."
We're getting somewhere now, I think.
He's agreeing anyway.
"He did something stupid. I doubt he'll try anything that dumb again, but even if he does...I think he probably means well. For you anyway, definitely not for me."
"A friend. I wasn't trying to throw it in your face. I'm sorry."
"It's no problem." 'A friend' means Daphne or Noelle or whoever the hell. I guess I can't keep it quiet forever. "How much do you know." I have to stop staring at my soda like a loser, some kid sulking over his freakin' life, but it's force of habit.
I made myself look back up, getting rid of the self pity. It's Carly, she's not going to spread this crap around school. At least, I hope not.
"He did something stupid. I doubt he'll try anything that dumb again, but even if he does...I think he probably means well. For you anyway, definitely not for me."
I grabbed a cookie and ate it. The sugar helps my sanity in the long run. "I'll talk to him, okay? I'm not promising anything else." I'm not wrong, I freakin' know it. He's wrong.
And since he's wrong, there's no way in hell I'm apologizing first.
Virtually nothing, would probably be a good answer. I heard a couple of rumors, which was basically Daphne not getting her story straight. She doesn't like that I'm interested in him, so she's trying to make him look bad. It didn't work, and I decided that she's jealous because she's afraid that I'll get a boyfriend before she does. Which, at this rate? Isn't going to happen.
"You missed some school, then changed your address to Madsen's."
That's all I'm going to say. No way am I opening up another bad topic for him. It probably looks like I'm attempting to force myself into all of his issues, especially with us already talking about the thing with the village idiot.
"I'll talk to him, okay? I'm not promising anything else."
I nodded and sort of let the silence go for a bit. I don't know how much I can tell her. If anything. I don't know if she wants to hear about it. She's probably not interested in Sammy's little mini sob story that isn't that big a deal anyway.
And really, I hate being dramatic. At least in that way.
And I'll probably get the pity thing. A lot of it. That, I can't handle at all. Especially not from Carly. Who probably doesn't want to hear it. Who isn't interested. She's got her own problems.
"Yeah."
I finished off my soda, and looked around. Wow, conversation drops fast when you depress yourself almost instantly. "If you want to know, I'll tell you. If you're not interested, trust me, that's fine." Stop staring at the ground Howell, you're acting like a loser.
"If you want to know, I'll tell you. If you're not interested, trust me, that's fine."
Why would I be interested? Just because I happen to care about you? Geez, boys are stupid. And he must think that I have a really short attention span, or that I'm just cold hearted. Not interested, whatever.
But if I say that I want to know, then I should nosy. He might think that I'm a big gossip like Daphne. And that's not why I want to know. I'm not sure that I want to know in the first place. It's a little scary to think that Sam's parents would be too awful to live with, because he's a good person. He doesn't deserve rotten parents.
"If you want to talk about it we can, but we don't have to if its something you want to keep private."
I think that sounded alright, at least he knows that I care. Sounding caring and nosy is better than not sounding interested when you're concerned.
"If you want to talk about it we can, but we don't have to if its something you want to keep private."
Also known as... she sort of wants to know, but she's afraid to ask. Or something. I've heard that from the school counselor after I had to explain bits and pieces of what happened. And even then, I lied about half of it.
"My Dad drinks. And he's a sadist." You're still looking at the floor Howell, look up. You can handle this. It's not that big a deal. You can handle this. "For all intensive purposes anyway."
I looked back to Carly, but I couldn't look her in the eye. How pathetic can you get? "We got into a lot of fights whenever he was drunk, sometimes when he wasn't..." I shrugged a little. "I took most of it to keep my sister out of the way. Whatever I couldn't do, my Mom did."
'Sam! You fucking little ingrate, get down here!'"One day, he sort of got sick of dealing with me, kicked the living crap out of me, and threw me down the basement. He padlocked the door, I didn't get food and not that much water. My Mom couldn't call
( ... )
"My Dad drinks. And he's a sadist. For all intensive purposes anyway. We got into a lot of fights whenever he was drunk, sometimes when he wasn't...I took most of it to keep my sister out of the way. Whatever I couldn't do, my Mom did. One day, he sort of got sick of dealing with me, kicked the living crap out of me, and threw me down the basement. He padlocked the door, I didn't get food and not that much water. My Mom couldn't call the police, he said he'd kill her and Arianna if she did. I was down there for three months before he let me out. And since we never used the basement, there really wasn't anything down there, just me and a lot of freakin' bugs. He never said why he let me out, maybe he just got bored. Then I left. I figured I had to, and I'd come back for my sister. Stayed at Madsen's, and his parents let me live there. And that's basically it."I heard everything that Sam was saying, and it all processessed pretty quickly, but for the most part, I didn't want to believe it. I kept trying to wrap my mind around some crazy
( ... )
"I never would have guessed that it was anything that bad."
"It's not a big deal." It's not. Or it doesn't need to be. And there doesn't need to be any pity involved with the whole thing, because it's over and it's done and she really needs to stop looking at me like that.
"I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks." I don't think I have any idea what else to say, other than that. It'd be really great that one of the few people I've trusted with the whole story doesn't tell the whole school about it.
"Sam... Look at me. You're a good guy. You'll be okay."
"I'm already okay." Don't look away, prove you're fine. "Don't worry about it." Now smile. Smile better, come on.
She's not buying it, is she. "I'm fine Carly." She looks like she's going to drop it... good. I want to drop it. Telling her wasn't to invoke pity, or any crap like that.
"Do you want to go downstairs and watch a movie?""Yeah, sure." I got up, finishing off the soda, and looked around. "You sure it's safe to leave? There might be places in the house I'm not supposed to see."
( ... )
"I'm already okay. Don't worry about it. I'm fine Carly."
Alright, I'll leave it alone. But he's not okay, and if something bad happens I will worry about it. And he's also not fine if he can't look at me for more than three seconds when he's talking about it. The smile proves nothing, it's fake, the same way I'd fake crying in a play. He's supposed to smile and let me think he's over it, so that's just what he's doing.
"You know, you're allowed to be not fine. You're just not allowed to lie to me about it. I know people who know people, and they're big on being sneaky."
Okay, so I meant the beginning of that statement but I added the last part on for good measure. It's a joke attached to a truth, simple as that. Nothing difficult or scary about it.
"You sure it's safe to leave? There might be places in the house I'm not supposed to see."I know he's kidding, but
( ... )
"You know, you're allowed to be not fine. You're just not allowed to lie to me about it. I know people who know people, and they're big on being sneaky."
"I'll have to remember that." No lying. Check. Somehow I don't doubt that she knows people, the house pretty much killed any doubt there. And the butler. And Marie, who I'm guessing is a cook.
She's gotta know someone.
"That would be my Dad's office. I'm not allowed to go in there. We have free reign over everything else."
Well, there goes that pathetic attempt at being funny. "And I'll remember that one too." I shook my head and went to pick up the tray for her, but she got to it before I could.
Okay, I tried...
I followed her downstairs, and felt that sense of white trash-dom all over again. She has a freakin' theatre room. I have the living room at Madsen's.
Just...
"...I really have a lot of Disney movies.""Nothing wrong with that..." I laughed a little as I sat down on the couch, suddenly aware of just how big this couch wasn't. "My sister's got an obsession with
( ... )
Oh, please. Now he's humoring me and my obsession over something a little stupid. Well, it's actually not really an obsession, but a lot of the other movies I own have a lot of sex and violence, which isn't really the kind of thing you watch with a guy you like. I think watching something like that would make both of us really uncomfortable, because we're well, us. Or maybe it's just because I'm me, and it's all in my head. And I am perfectly aware that I'm probably approaching that scary "she's like a sister to me" territory with Sam, which would really, really suck.
"If you say so."
"My sister's got an obsession with Nightmare Before Christmas, and everything that's un-kid like. Compared to her, this is pretty much normal."I like that he talks about his sister. Most people act like having a sibling is a big burden. From what Sam said earlier, and the way he's talking about her now, they get along. It's kinda cool that he thinks enough of her to mention her in everyday conversation with out
( ... )
"I just like the movie. Any similarities to real persons or idiots is entirely coincidental."
"No no. You planned that. When you put it on? You planned that." And now? I feel guilt. Massive freakin' guilt that I swore I was not going to feel, sitting here, watching a freakin' kids' movie. I don't want to feel bad.
God. Damn it.
I'm not pissed at Carly, seriously, I'm pissed at the situation. And feeling guilt. It's not my God damn fault, it's his. All him. And just because I'm going to talk to him? Doesn't mean I'm freakin' saying I'm wrong.
"No no. You planned that. When you put it on? You planned that."
I don't have to admit to anything, do I? It was a passing thought, not an evil plan. I just think that the Village Idiot bears a similiarity or two to the jungle idiot. I wasn't trying to make Sam feel guilty. Well, I wasn't trying to make him feel too guilty anyway. Dumb characters remind me of dumb people.
"That's not fair."
"Oh be quiet." I laughed, shaking my head at him. My motives weren't bad, and I swear, it wasn't a big evil plot.
"It's not the same thing. I'm prettier than Nala."
Alright, so I'm not sure of that. And even if I was, it wouldn't help much.
"And we don't have a Zazu or a Rafikki."
I give up.
"But I'll put on Aladdin if you think it'll make you feel better."
"Oh be quiet. It's not the same thing. I'm prettier than Nala."
"Well... yeah." I shrugged, and realized what I said. Am I not supposed to say that? Crap... No, she's probably fine with it. And she'll probably think I don't mean it. Even though I definitely do.
"And we don't have a Zazu or a Rafikki."
That's true. And she's seen this movie one too many times, that much is obvious. She and Arianna would get along well. Which... now that I think of it... is frightening.
"But I'll put on Aladdin if you think it'll make you feel better."
"Nah..." I sighed and shook my head. "I'll deal with it. Sorry."
Even though it's going to be her fault I have to apologize to Madsen. I know I'm going to do it, and it's no freakin' fair. He should be apologizing.
Maybe I can work it so I'm not really the one apologizing...
Oh come on! He's your best friend for crying out loud! You're both depressed and unhappy and it's not solving anything. And I shouldn't give a damn about any of this, but since I ended up in the middle of two friends, I have to. I hate Madsen. He lays there in class and I'm tempted to go kick his desk to see what'll happen. I bet he'd embarrass himself. He'd deserve it for being such a jackass to me about everything.
But then I go back to Sam being unhappy, and I really hate my conscience at times like these.
"It doesn't make a difference one way or the other.""Need I remind you that you live with him? He's not just some guy you talk to a lot and get in trouble with on a daily basis. You guys take care of each other ( ... )
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Wait, how does she know about...
"Who told you I'm not living at home?" I tried to keep my voice from getting sharp, but I couldn't help it. No one at school talked about me having to live with Madsen, because no one had a clue about the real reason, and I'd done everything I could to keep it that way.
"You think I have a nice house, don't you? My parents make sure that I have just about everything that I'll ever need, for any occassion. Even if that means being prepared for snow in California. I do pretty good. You want to know what I don't have?"
I don't know, she seems pretty set to me. Look at this freakin' house. And even if it wasn't that, she's got the friends, the popularity, the talent in God knows how much crap...
"I don't have one friend who cares about me half as much as Madsen seems to care about you."Oh. Yeah, well ( ... )
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Okay, now we're getting into this. Daphne told me some warped version of something probably not resembling the truth, and it ended with the fact that he lives with Madsen's family. I know that's not something he'd feel like advertising, but I do know about it.
"A friend. I wasn't trying to throw it in your face. I'm sorry."
I might not think much of Daph, but she'd kill me if they made her the victim of one of their stunts because of her big mouth. She gossips, things get around. People talk.
"Yeah, I guess."
We're getting somewhere now, I think.
He's agreeing anyway.
"He did something stupid. I doubt he'll try anything that dumb again, but even if he does...I think he probably means well. For you anyway, definitely not for me."
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"It's no problem." 'A friend' means Daphne or Noelle or whoever the hell. I guess I can't keep it quiet forever. "How much do you know." I have to stop staring at my soda like a loser, some kid sulking over his freakin' life, but it's force of habit.
I made myself look back up, getting rid of the self pity. It's Carly, she's not going to spread this crap around school. At least, I hope not.
"He did something stupid. I doubt he'll try anything that dumb again, but even if he does...I think he probably means well. For you anyway, definitely not for me."
I grabbed a cookie and ate it. The sugar helps my sanity in the long run. "I'll talk to him, okay? I'm not promising anything else." I'm not wrong, I freakin' know it. He's wrong.
And since he's wrong, there's no way in hell I'm apologizing first.
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Virtually nothing, would probably be a good answer. I heard a couple of rumors, which was basically Daphne not getting her story straight. She doesn't like that I'm interested in him, so she's trying to make him look bad. It didn't work, and I decided that she's jealous because she's afraid that I'll get a boyfriend before she does. Which, at this rate? Isn't going to happen.
"You missed some school, then changed your address to Madsen's."
That's all I'm going to say. No way am I opening up another bad topic for him. It probably looks like I'm attempting to force myself into all of his issues, especially with us already talking about the thing with the village idiot.
"I'll talk to him, okay? I'm not promising anything else."
That's progress. Just a little bit, but still.
"I'll take that."
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I nodded and sort of let the silence go for a bit. I don't know how much I can tell her. If anything. I don't know if she wants to hear about it. She's probably not interested in Sammy's little mini sob story that isn't that big a deal anyway.
And really, I hate being dramatic. At least in that way.
And I'll probably get the pity thing. A lot of it. That, I can't handle at all. Especially not from Carly. Who probably doesn't want to hear it. Who isn't interested. She's got her own problems.
"Yeah."
I finished off my soda, and looked around. Wow, conversation drops fast when you depress yourself almost instantly. "If you want to know, I'll tell you. If you're not interested, trust me, that's fine." Stop staring at the ground Howell, you're acting like a loser.
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Why would I be interested? Just because I happen to care about you? Geez, boys are stupid. And he must think that I have a really short attention span, or that I'm just cold hearted. Not interested, whatever.
But if I say that I want to know, then I should nosy. He might think that I'm a big gossip like Daphne. And that's not why I want to know. I'm not sure that I want to know in the first place. It's a little scary to think that Sam's parents would be too awful to live with, because he's a good person. He doesn't deserve rotten parents.
"If you want to talk about it we can, but we don't have to if its something you want to keep private."
I think that sounded alright, at least he knows that I care. Sounding caring and nosy is better than not sounding interested when you're concerned.
I had to grab another cookie for this one.
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Also known as... she sort of wants to know, but she's afraid to ask. Or something. I've heard that from the school counselor after I had to explain bits and pieces of what happened. And even then, I lied about half of it.
"My Dad drinks. And he's a sadist." You're still looking at the floor Howell, look up. You can handle this. It's not that big a deal. You can handle this. "For all intensive purposes anyway."
I looked back to Carly, but I couldn't look her in the eye. How pathetic can you get? "We got into a lot of fights whenever he was drunk, sometimes when he wasn't..." I shrugged a little. "I took most of it to keep my sister out of the way. Whatever I couldn't do, my Mom did."
'Sam! You fucking little ingrate, get down here!'"One day, he sort of got sick of dealing with me, kicked the living crap out of me, and threw me down the basement. He padlocked the door, I didn't get food and not that much water. My Mom couldn't call ( ... )
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"It's not a big deal." It's not. Or it doesn't need to be. And there doesn't need to be any pity involved with the whole thing, because it's over and it's done and she really needs to stop looking at me like that.
"I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks." I don't think I have any idea what else to say, other than that. It'd be really great that one of the few people I've trusted with the whole story doesn't tell the whole school about it.
"Sam... Look at me. You're a good guy. You'll be okay."
"I'm already okay." Don't look away, prove you're fine. "Don't worry about it." Now smile. Smile better, come on.
She's not buying it, is she. "I'm fine Carly." She looks like she's going to drop it... good. I want to drop it. Telling her wasn't to invoke pity, or any crap like that.
"Do you want to go downstairs and watch a movie?""Yeah, sure." I got up, finishing off the soda, and looked around. "You sure it's safe to leave? There might be places in the house I'm not supposed to see." ( ... )
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Alright, I'll leave it alone. But he's not okay, and if something bad happens I will worry about it. And he's also not fine if he can't look at me for more than three seconds when he's talking about it. The smile proves nothing, it's fake, the same way I'd fake crying in a play. He's supposed to smile and let me think he's over it, so that's just what he's doing.
"You know, you're allowed to be not fine. You're just not allowed to lie to me about it. I know people who know people, and they're big on being sneaky."
Okay, so I meant the beginning of that statement but I added the last part on for good measure. It's a joke attached to a truth, simple as that. Nothing difficult or scary about it.
"You sure it's safe to leave? There might be places in the house I'm not supposed to see."I know he's kidding, but ( ... )
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"I'll have to remember that." No lying. Check. Somehow I don't doubt that she knows people, the house pretty much killed any doubt there. And the butler. And Marie, who I'm guessing is a cook.
She's gotta know someone.
"That would be my Dad's office. I'm not allowed to go in there. We have free reign over everything else."
Well, there goes that pathetic attempt at being funny. "And I'll remember that one too." I shook my head and went to pick up the tray for her, but she got to it before I could.
Okay, I tried...
I followed her downstairs, and felt that sense of white trash-dom all over again. She has a freakin' theatre room. I have the living room at Madsen's.
Just...
"...I really have a lot of Disney movies.""Nothing wrong with that..." I laughed a little as I sat down on the couch, suddenly aware of just how big this couch wasn't. "My sister's got an obsession with ( ... )
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Oh, please. Now he's humoring me and my obsession over something a little stupid. Well, it's actually not really an obsession, but a lot of the other movies I own have a lot of sex and violence, which isn't really the kind of thing you watch with a guy you like. I think watching something like that would make both of us really uncomfortable, because we're well, us. Or maybe it's just because I'm me, and it's all in my head. And I am perfectly aware that I'm probably approaching that scary "she's like a sister to me" territory with Sam, which would really, really suck.
"If you say so."
"My sister's got an obsession with Nightmare Before Christmas, and everything that's un-kid like. Compared to her, this is pretty much normal."I like that he talks about his sister. Most people act like having a sibling is a big burden. From what Sam said earlier, and the way he's talking about her now, they get along. It's kinda cool that he thinks enough of her to mention her in everyday conversation with out ( ... )
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"No no. You planned that. When you put it on? You planned that." And now? I feel guilt. Massive freakin' guilt that I swore I was not going to feel, sitting here, watching a freakin' kids' movie. I don't want to feel bad.
God. Damn it.
I'm not pissed at Carly, seriously, I'm pissed at the situation. And feeling guilt. It's not my God damn fault, it's his. All him. And just because I'm going to talk to him? Doesn't mean I'm freakin' saying I'm wrong.
Because I'm not.
"That's not fair." At all.
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I don't have to admit to anything, do I? It was a passing thought, not an evil plan. I just think that the Village Idiot bears a similiarity or two to the jungle idiot. I wasn't trying to make Sam feel guilty. Well, I wasn't trying to make him feel too guilty anyway. Dumb characters remind me of dumb people.
"That's not fair."
"Oh be quiet." I laughed, shaking my head at him. My motives weren't bad, and I swear, it wasn't a big evil plot.
"It's not the same thing. I'm prettier than Nala."
Alright, so I'm not sure of that. And even if I was, it wouldn't help much.
"And we don't have a Zazu or a Rafikki."
I give up.
"But I'll put on Aladdin if you think it'll make you feel better."
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"Well... yeah." I shrugged, and realized what I said. Am I not supposed to say that? Crap... No, she's probably fine with it. And she'll probably think I don't mean it. Even though I definitely do.
"And we don't have a Zazu or a Rafikki."
That's true. And she's seen this movie one too many times, that much is obvious. She and Arianna would get along well. Which... now that I think of it... is frightening.
"But I'll put on Aladdin if you think it'll make you feel better."
"Nah..." I sighed and shook my head. "I'll deal with it. Sorry."
Even though it's going to be her fault I have to apologize to Madsen. I know I'm going to do it, and it's no freakin' fair. He should be apologizing.
Maybe I can work it so I'm not really the one apologizing...
Wouldn't that be cool.
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