(no subject)
Urgh this week.
So I had another seizure in June, spent two days in hospital and came away with a diagnosis of epilepsy. The Doc thinks it could be stress induced but just as likely my brain deciding *fuck it*. So, fun new medication.
I've had two run ins at work in the past two days and I am just over it.
1st. Yesterday. FakeStar was being patronizing to me again, I shut her down because I already knew what she was trying to tell me. Later I spoke to someone who I thought was somewhat sensible but then she dropped me in it.
Some background: I don't talk to a lot of my co-workers because they're in-group and I'm outgroup and I don't have the time/energy/care to do anything about it. So me talking to who I thought was a somewhat sensible co-worker was my somewhat poor baby step of you, know trying.
Manager comes to me later and says now idiot co-worker was worried because it seemed like I didn't know what was going on with the lesson. Also, I shouldn't have shut down patronising fake star. He went on a lengthy spiel of bringing up mess ups, which I'm happy to own, from ages ago which he must have been saving up for a while to use against me in this situation. Long story short, he acknowledges I'm the most skilled of everyone there and want me to share my skills/professionalism. I agree on the principle that I'm willing to share but I'm not going to throw stuff out into the void. He grudgingly accepts but essentially says if I can't be more open/nicer then I'll lose my job.
2nd. Today, FakeStar stepped on my authority. I said to her, "Please don't step on my authority, it's really inappropriate." she shuts up but runs to the manager (I would have been happy to share my reasoning but I had no time then). After class, the second I'm free I get railed roaded into another meeting about how I shouldn't be telling other staff how to act and how me and fakestar are *fighting*. I lay out my reasoning but manager turns it into another tear of how I've not been the perfect employee. It seems like while he likes to say he really values my expertise he also won't give me levity in how I show it and he won't shut down coworkers when really they need a ticking off. Also, I really shouldn't be having to explain how teacher authority works to a manager of a school! So fine. Fuck it. I won't say fucking anything anymore. I won't talk to anyone. I won't complain.
On the first meeting he went on about how people stay at the company for a while, but why would I want to stay there any longer than I have to?
I know I've been far from perfect in the situation. It's hard trying to be better though when I don't feel like the otherside is being expected to change. I told him, I feel like Fakestar and the other FT staff look down on me and they perpetuate the very things I try and avoid in my own work but he seems more interested in placating them/maintaing the status quo than bringing about actual change. I'm very tempted to ask for a partial transfer just so I don't have to deal with them as much.
The manager went on about how LoserSupporter is great at conversation so kids who need that go to him and how SexistArseholeWanker is great with kids and how I get some adults because thats where my skills and some kids who want the writing/all rounder stuff. But LoserSupporter isn't a great conversation teacher! He translates, when I cover his lessons some of his kids are so under skilled in other areas they can barely speak to me. SexistArseholeWanker plays games all the time and does weird under-structured work to the point that a kid he's had for two years still hasn't mastered phonics (I think motivation is an issue for the kid but SAW does not see himself as part of the issue). He complained that I don't talk anough for conversation kids but that's usually because I'm trying to fix the underlying grammar/knowledge issues that the trail of now gone freeters have left behind. The idiot manager just does not get what I'm trying to do, laying everything at the holy alter of what the customer wants.
Just whatever.
So I had another seizure in June, spent two days in hospital and came away with a diagnosis of epilepsy. The Doc thinks it could be stress induced but just as likely my brain deciding *fuck it*. So, fun new medication.
I've had two run ins at work in the past two days and I am just over it.
1st. Yesterday. FakeStar was being patronizing to me again, I shut her down because I already knew what she was trying to tell me. Later I spoke to someone who I thought was somewhat sensible but then she dropped me in it.
Some background: I don't talk to a lot of my co-workers because they're in-group and I'm outgroup and I don't have the time/energy/care to do anything about it. So me talking to who I thought was a somewhat sensible co-worker was my somewhat poor baby step of you, know trying.
Manager comes to me later and says now idiot co-worker was worried because it seemed like I didn't know what was going on with the lesson. Also, I shouldn't have shut down patronising fake star. He went on a lengthy spiel of bringing up mess ups, which I'm happy to own, from ages ago which he must have been saving up for a while to use against me in this situation. Long story short, he acknowledges I'm the most skilled of everyone there and want me to share my skills/professionalism. I agree on the principle that I'm willing to share but I'm not going to throw stuff out into the void. He grudgingly accepts but essentially says if I can't be more open/nicer then I'll lose my job.
2nd. Today, FakeStar stepped on my authority. I said to her, "Please don't step on my authority, it's really inappropriate." she shuts up but runs to the manager (I would have been happy to share my reasoning but I had no time then). After class, the second I'm free I get railed roaded into another meeting about how I shouldn't be telling other staff how to act and how me and fakestar are *fighting*. I lay out my reasoning but manager turns it into another tear of how I've not been the perfect employee. It seems like while he likes to say he really values my expertise he also won't give me levity in how I show it and he won't shut down coworkers when really they need a ticking off. Also, I really shouldn't be having to explain how teacher authority works to a manager of a school! So fine. Fuck it. I won't say fucking anything anymore. I won't talk to anyone. I won't complain.
On the first meeting he went on about how people stay at the company for a while, but why would I want to stay there any longer than I have to?
I know I've been far from perfect in the situation. It's hard trying to be better though when I don't feel like the otherside is being expected to change. I told him, I feel like Fakestar and the other FT staff look down on me and they perpetuate the very things I try and avoid in my own work but he seems more interested in placating them/maintaing the status quo than bringing about actual change. I'm very tempted to ask for a partial transfer just so I don't have to deal with them as much.
The manager went on about how LoserSupporter is great at conversation so kids who need that go to him and how SexistArseholeWanker is great with kids and how I get some adults because thats where my skills and some kids who want the writing/all rounder stuff. But LoserSupporter isn't a great conversation teacher! He translates, when I cover his lessons some of his kids are so under skilled in other areas they can barely speak to me. SexistArseholeWanker plays games all the time and does weird under-structured work to the point that a kid he's had for two years still hasn't mastered phonics (I think motivation is an issue for the kid but SAW does not see himself as part of the issue). He complained that I don't talk anough for conversation kids but that's usually because I'm trying to fix the underlying grammar/knowledge issues that the trail of now gone freeters have left behind. The idiot manager just does not get what I'm trying to do, laying everything at the holy alter of what the customer wants.
Just whatever.