So
It's been a really, really long time since I last posted.
In that time, a lot has happened , a lot has changed, and a lot has gotten better.
But sadly, some things never change.
I truly hate being Bipolar. Though, to be fair, I highly doubt anyone *enjoys* it.
I had an amazing weekend. Jeff stayed over Saturday and Sunday night, we cooked an awesome dinner and had a date of sorts on Saturday, played a board game, watched some Top Gear, etc. Sunday we played more games, then met with another couple in town and gamed with them for 4 or 5 hours or so. We came home, watched a few documentaries, etc. Today we snuggled in bed for a while and played 2 more games, hung out for a bit and then he left. I took a nap, cleaned my aquarium, did some stuff for work, ate dinner, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, and became inexplicably sad.
I think too much. I overthink every little detail of my life and it drives me up the fucking wall.
I have GAD, and am being treated for it with Effexor, which is also what I take for Bipolar disorder. It works the vast majority of the time, but sometimes I still have minor manic episodes that leave me feeling like I am the poorest excuse for a person ever.
I feel so inadequate in so many ways that it makes me wonder why anyone would want to be with me or even have me around. I know others don't see me this way, and that's comforting, but it doesn't help my own view of myself at all when I feel this way. My self-esteem is generally pretty neutral . I don't think I'm awesome and I don't think I'm terrible- that's how it normally is. Like my outlook, my mood, my general view on life. I live on a very even keen all the time, but on the occasion I get very sad when nothing at all is the matter besides my own brain trying to thwart me.
Breaking up with Jeff last year has caused me a lot of anxiety. Things are very different now, in a good way, and I need to accept that I will never be 100% secure in this or ANY relationship and move on, and just go with the flow, enjoy myself, be in love and live my life to its fullest with and without him by my side.
Sometimes I need to just stop and evaluate my relationship, my life, and myself, and reassure myself that it's all ok- and it is, in fact, all ok. Jeff and I have plans far into the future. He's taken vacation time off in late May to take a short trip to VT with me. We're talking about going on vacation again in August. We're talking about things that couples talk about when they're planning on being together longterm.
I need to take this in consideration and just tell my brain to STFU and move on to another topic.
Anyways. I needed to vent.
If you want an update on my life, you can find me on facebook.
In that time, a lot has happened , a lot has changed, and a lot has gotten better.
But sadly, some things never change.
I truly hate being Bipolar. Though, to be fair, I highly doubt anyone *enjoys* it.
I had an amazing weekend. Jeff stayed over Saturday and Sunday night, we cooked an awesome dinner and had a date of sorts on Saturday, played a board game, watched some Top Gear, etc. Sunday we played more games, then met with another couple in town and gamed with them for 4 or 5 hours or so. We came home, watched a few documentaries, etc. Today we snuggled in bed for a while and played 2 more games, hung out for a bit and then he left. I took a nap, cleaned my aquarium, did some stuff for work, ate dinner, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, and became inexplicably sad.
I think too much. I overthink every little detail of my life and it drives me up the fucking wall.
I have GAD, and am being treated for it with Effexor, which is also what I take for Bipolar disorder. It works the vast majority of the time, but sometimes I still have minor manic episodes that leave me feeling like I am the poorest excuse for a person ever.
I feel so inadequate in so many ways that it makes me wonder why anyone would want to be with me or even have me around. I know others don't see me this way, and that's comforting, but it doesn't help my own view of myself at all when I feel this way. My self-esteem is generally pretty neutral . I don't think I'm awesome and I don't think I'm terrible- that's how it normally is. Like my outlook, my mood, my general view on life. I live on a very even keen all the time, but on the occasion I get very sad when nothing at all is the matter besides my own brain trying to thwart me.
Breaking up with Jeff last year has caused me a lot of anxiety. Things are very different now, in a good way, and I need to accept that I will never be 100% secure in this or ANY relationship and move on, and just go with the flow, enjoy myself, be in love and live my life to its fullest with and without him by my side.
Sometimes I need to just stop and evaluate my relationship, my life, and myself, and reassure myself that it's all ok- and it is, in fact, all ok. Jeff and I have plans far into the future. He's taken vacation time off in late May to take a short trip to VT with me. We're talking about going on vacation again in August. We're talking about things that couples talk about when they're planning on being together longterm.
I need to take this in consideration and just tell my brain to STFU and move on to another topic.
Anyways. I needed to vent.
If you want an update on my life, you can find me on facebook.