(no subject)
so i thought i would update....BECAUSE I SOOOO HAVE MY OWN COMPUTER NOW!!
yeah way exciting....my mom and bob came up today and brought me my laptop...it's so pretty and fun, and i'm making it everything i want it to be, yay. so that is the highlight of my week, night, day, rest of week.....all of it!! hahahaha
life is so random though...it's funny how i can talk to someone i barly know, about all my problems and actually let it out, in a way that makes sense. haha, i was talking to my friend dan, who i don't really know anything about, just seem to be able to talk to him about my problems....or the only problem i have. hahaha
but it was good talking to him...i wanted to save the conversation i had and put it on here b/c it was everything i was thinking/feeling written out perfectly, but i had a momentary lapse in thinking and 'x'd' out his box...booo on me, it was so great, me learning even more about myself without even realizing it.
but somehow talking with him,actually telling someone what i was thinking helped a LOT. a lot a lot, i feel, not better, but more able to figure out what is wrong with me and able to actually accept that i have feelings...well..more like i am upset, i DO get upset, as much as i don't want to admit it, as much as i don't want people to see it, or to know that i'm not the happy go lucky person all the time. so that's that, and i'm slowly learning.....about me.
so update on my life lately?? i've been partying and going to school and being ignored and things just seem to weird right now...i odn't know what is going on, just seems like something is wrong somewhere that is affecting everyone, and it seems like i'm the only one that DOESN'T know something.....if that makes sense?? prolly not, it does in my head at least. but things were going ok... two weekends ago i spent pretty much with clayton, haha....i partied with him friday night after working with him....and stayed with him. it was a lot of fun...we went to his roommate's friends house, so i got to meet new people, get out of the usual crowd and we had a good time....and then i went to kevin's b-day party and found out everyone was at my house....came home drunk. proceeded to get MORE drunk...haha. and had a WONDERFUL night. it was so much fun, partying with everyone...the mass orgies on the floor and julie's bed. hahaha, and then he stayed with me. and that was good. it was weird though to get up the next morning and ME leave for work and leave him in my bed for however long he pleased, in which its usually the other way around. but i didn't mind it. came home to my bed made...hahaha saw him at work, he was usual clayton, a little sick, but usual....
then things went differently. i worked with him again on thursday......and it was good...tried to talk to him that night after i got off work, nothing. friday i went to their show with julie and things were ok....he even gave me a ride home, asked me if i was going sat to spencer's gave my hand a hug(i was in the back seat so when i got out couldn't give him a hug)
then saturday....went to spencer's....guess who was there with him? yeah, nicole. not even 5 minutes of walking into the place and she has to kiss him....just cuz she can?
but i was good....acted like nothing was there, tried to be friendly, be in 'friend' mode to him....pretty much ignored alll night. i got a little upset, more or less jealous i can admit to now. and tried to not say anything.....but i was drunk. so i said little catty comments to mitch or chris or jak whenever clayton wasn't around, which was all night. i don't know if he heard or what...but they were stupid jealous things, nothing mean about him or her that i remember, just jealousy things about him being off with her probably 'doing it' i think is what i said. haha........don't reallly remember.
but didn't get a goodbye the next morning...no hug no nothing. and havn't talked to him since.....saw him at work the other day, didn't talk to me...say hi or anything.
so something is wrong....very wrong. and it's upsetting to me, b/c i feel like i did something wrong and he's mad or dissapointed in me....something.
but it has somehow put me in a depressed mood.....and as much as i try to get out of it, it keeps creaping up on me....maybe it's having nothing to do, nothing to occupy my time or friends to keep me busy....i feel so alone for some reason. like there isn't anyone there for me( i know you are there for me kha) it's just, no one calles me like they used to, i havn't heard from people, nothing is happening.
and maybe i'm starting to get insecure about everything just because of him. which i am. i'm learning that i am very insecure about somethings, he is one of them....
but it's not like i'm upset that he's with her....i'm upset because i feel like i'm loosing him as a friend.
he's someone i've truely started to trust. i thought he was there for me, he was the person that i could call up for help when i needed it, or just wanted to say hi, he was my drunk dial, when i wastn' drunk with him...he was becomeing somewhat of a best friend to me, and i was havign a ball with it. he was the one to say 'hey' everynight, talk with me awhile or just say 'hey'. he seemed to actually care about me and he was the one that was able to back it up. to actually be there when i needed something, to be able to go out and have a good time with, party with....whatever.
but that's the thing....i don't know him. we havn't been able to hang out in forever. i havn't TALKED to him in forever. the only time i ever see him is work, or parties. and he kept saying that we DID need to hang out...that it would be nice to see each other outside of work. ha......and now he's been hanging out with her more and somehow...ignoring me? why?
and i can only think he doesn't want to talk to me when with her, so i don't feel upset, or that's really just what he does.....he doesn't talk to the other if he is with one. which i didn't used to be like that. i know how he thinks to, that if he ignores what is wrong, it won't be wrong. guess what, we've been through this before.
and blah blah, i like to tell myself that he doesn't want to hurt me by talking to me, but doesn't he realize that he hurts me more by ignoring me?
oh boy....so that's my thoughts, that's what has been upsetting me, what i havn't seem to have figured out till tonight. or didn't really want to accept......
yeah that one. but none the less, (this is back to saturday) i got to have a great heart-to-heart with jak....he's so fantastic. someone i can really talk to, someone who thinks the way i do....no i don't like him, he's an old friend....haha but he really helped me figure some things out about myself....he helped me with clayton, make me realize somethings about him as well...
oh geez....i'm growing up. or so i like to think. and slowly, or so i like to hope, becoming less naive. i feel sometimes that i am that innocent little girl that has learned nothing about life and sometimes i just want to grow up, or experience things. i feel so unexperienced.....i feel like with so many things i can't help but be left out. or treated like a little girl about, or even passed over because of. and i realize what these are more and more, but then i also realize that in so many other areas i'm the one people look to, or i'm the one that people can count on me for.
oh boy..........so many things to learn, so many things to stop thinking about, think about, tell others. hahahahaha.....
oh boy
I LOVE writing things down, talking to people, people talking to me......makes things so much better sometimes!
ps...i miss my kha!!
yeah way exciting....my mom and bob came up today and brought me my laptop...it's so pretty and fun, and i'm making it everything i want it to be, yay. so that is the highlight of my week, night, day, rest of week.....all of it!! hahahaha
life is so random though...it's funny how i can talk to someone i barly know, about all my problems and actually let it out, in a way that makes sense. haha, i was talking to my friend dan, who i don't really know anything about, just seem to be able to talk to him about my problems....or the only problem i have. hahaha
but it was good talking to him...i wanted to save the conversation i had and put it on here b/c it was everything i was thinking/feeling written out perfectly, but i had a momentary lapse in thinking and 'x'd' out his box...booo on me, it was so great, me learning even more about myself without even realizing it.
but somehow talking with him,actually telling someone what i was thinking helped a LOT. a lot a lot, i feel, not better, but more able to figure out what is wrong with me and able to actually accept that i have feelings...well..more like i am upset, i DO get upset, as much as i don't want to admit it, as much as i don't want people to see it, or to know that i'm not the happy go lucky person all the time. so that's that, and i'm slowly learning.....about me.
so update on my life lately?? i've been partying and going to school and being ignored and things just seem to weird right now...i odn't know what is going on, just seems like something is wrong somewhere that is affecting everyone, and it seems like i'm the only one that DOESN'T know something.....if that makes sense?? prolly not, it does in my head at least. but things were going ok... two weekends ago i spent pretty much with clayton, haha....i partied with him friday night after working with him....and stayed with him. it was a lot of fun...we went to his roommate's friends house, so i got to meet new people, get out of the usual crowd and we had a good time....and then i went to kevin's b-day party and found out everyone was at my house....came home drunk. proceeded to get MORE drunk...haha. and had a WONDERFUL night. it was so much fun, partying with everyone...the mass orgies on the floor and julie's bed. hahaha, and then he stayed with me. and that was good. it was weird though to get up the next morning and ME leave for work and leave him in my bed for however long he pleased, in which its usually the other way around. but i didn't mind it. came home to my bed made...hahaha saw him at work, he was usual clayton, a little sick, but usual....
then things went differently. i worked with him again on thursday......and it was good...tried to talk to him that night after i got off work, nothing. friday i went to their show with julie and things were ok....he even gave me a ride home, asked me if i was going sat to spencer's gave my hand a hug(i was in the back seat so when i got out couldn't give him a hug)
then saturday....went to spencer's....guess who was there with him? yeah, nicole. not even 5 minutes of walking into the place and she has to kiss him....just cuz she can?
but i was good....acted like nothing was there, tried to be friendly, be in 'friend' mode to him....pretty much ignored alll night. i got a little upset, more or less jealous i can admit to now. and tried to not say anything.....but i was drunk. so i said little catty comments to mitch or chris or jak whenever clayton wasn't around, which was all night. i don't know if he heard or what...but they were stupid jealous things, nothing mean about him or her that i remember, just jealousy things about him being off with her probably 'doing it' i think is what i said. haha........don't reallly remember.
but didn't get a goodbye the next morning...no hug no nothing. and havn't talked to him since.....saw him at work the other day, didn't talk to me...say hi or anything.
so something is wrong....very wrong. and it's upsetting to me, b/c i feel like i did something wrong and he's mad or dissapointed in me....something.
but it has somehow put me in a depressed mood.....and as much as i try to get out of it, it keeps creaping up on me....maybe it's having nothing to do, nothing to occupy my time or friends to keep me busy....i feel so alone for some reason. like there isn't anyone there for me( i know you are there for me kha) it's just, no one calles me like they used to, i havn't heard from people, nothing is happening.
and maybe i'm starting to get insecure about everything just because of him. which i am. i'm learning that i am very insecure about somethings, he is one of them....
but it's not like i'm upset that he's with her....i'm upset because i feel like i'm loosing him as a friend.
he's someone i've truely started to trust. i thought he was there for me, he was the person that i could call up for help when i needed it, or just wanted to say hi, he was my drunk dial, when i wastn' drunk with him...he was becomeing somewhat of a best friend to me, and i was havign a ball with it. he was the one to say 'hey' everynight, talk with me awhile or just say 'hey'. he seemed to actually care about me and he was the one that was able to back it up. to actually be there when i needed something, to be able to go out and have a good time with, party with....whatever.
but that's the thing....i don't know him. we havn't been able to hang out in forever. i havn't TALKED to him in forever. the only time i ever see him is work, or parties. and he kept saying that we DID need to hang out...that it would be nice to see each other outside of work. ha......and now he's been hanging out with her more and somehow...ignoring me? why?
and i can only think he doesn't want to talk to me when with her, so i don't feel upset, or that's really just what he does.....he doesn't talk to the other if he is with one. which i didn't used to be like that. i know how he thinks to, that if he ignores what is wrong, it won't be wrong. guess what, we've been through this before.
and blah blah, i like to tell myself that he doesn't want to hurt me by talking to me, but doesn't he realize that he hurts me more by ignoring me?
oh boy....so that's my thoughts, that's what has been upsetting me, what i havn't seem to have figured out till tonight. or didn't really want to accept......
yeah that one. but none the less, (this is back to saturday) i got to have a great heart-to-heart with jak....he's so fantastic. someone i can really talk to, someone who thinks the way i do....no i don't like him, he's an old friend....haha but he really helped me figure some things out about myself....he helped me with clayton, make me realize somethings about him as well...
oh geez....i'm growing up. or so i like to think. and slowly, or so i like to hope, becoming less naive. i feel sometimes that i am that innocent little girl that has learned nothing about life and sometimes i just want to grow up, or experience things. i feel so unexperienced.....i feel like with so many things i can't help but be left out. or treated like a little girl about, or even passed over because of. and i realize what these are more and more, but then i also realize that in so many other areas i'm the one people look to, or i'm the one that people can count on me for.
oh boy..........so many things to learn, so many things to stop thinking about, think about, tell others. hahahahaha.....
oh boy
I LOVE writing things down, talking to people, people talking to me......makes things so much better sometimes!
ps...i miss my kha!!