(no subject)
with the smell of herbal insence in the air, and with the voices of Alabama singing their belief in "Angels Among Us", i begin the long contemplated journal entry. it has been an extravigantly long time since ive done this. i dont know why, but ive been avoiding it. as a real entry hasnt been made here since december 12th, and as such, im issuing a warning to anyone reading this; this will not be a fun ride. im going to try to be as detailed as possible, and cover as much about "me" as i can in this entry. so this is your chance to back off, scroll down, or turn the comptuer off with a look of sheer horror on your face for having read this far.
for those few brave enough to read on, my heartfelt condolences.
not alot has changed in the enviroment of this house since the last update. im not going to bother reading it to remember where i left off; it was christmas time. and as usual, my family went through hell, there was an extrodinary amount of fighting, and alot of last-minute things that had to get done before christmas....and then christmas happened. we were spoiled outragously, as usual. i made a catalog of everything i got (as a tool to help me remember what i got, and from whom) and it was an enjoyable holiday; it usually is. its the one time of the year that my family makes the effort to act like a 'typical' happy family. act being the key word there, folks. about a week after christmas, i was very busy. all of the decorations, with the exception of the upper-floor decorative christmas tree, were packed away till next year. alot of cooking and cleaning was done, a good 2/3 of it done by me. again; not surprising. i no longer had employment to get in the way of my chores, and my family was ever-quick to point that out to me, as if i had somehow forgotten in my mere six months of employment. and so it was that new years came and passed, and unfortunetly, the world did not end as the year did. i set up the party, helped with the food, and stayed locked away in my room, with a carefully planned ritual to keep me busy as the year ended.
sometime after that, the ninth i think it was, i was offered a re-position at Premier. because i was already trained, and they desperately needed someone to come in as relief. and so, much to my natural horror, i find myself working and carpooling with my mother and my aunt....again. sigh. it hasnt been so bad, the work is easy, if somewhat tiresome. my only problem being i picked up on faster then they thought i would, so i keep running out of work to do. and i have to do extra-curricular things to keep myself busy. but meh, its employment, and money, so i guess thats something. i havent really done anything in the way of social interaction for awhile, really. there was a night sometime ago when i played a D&D game with a few friends, and that was enjoyable. and there have been some sushi outings; we all get cravings. but mostly, my life has been get up early at 6 or so, work for 8 hours, make dinner on coming home and then....thats it. on weekends i do the nessessary housework, and ususally a driving lesson. ive been doing that alot; ive had 12 hours in the last 2 months. my test has been set, and panic has set a dull thud to my entire being...but that was expected. im dealing with it, as well as i can. the medication sometimes helps; ill get to that later, in the medical report.
household politics havent really improved since the last update. my mother, as usual, isnt feeling well. she cant help that; her blood's against her. but this has the unwelcome effect of her being very demanding..and bitchy. so, mostly as a reason to avoid conflict, i ignore any and all of the usual comments, fights, and insults, and get done whatever i have to. my father, apparently, has subjected himself to idiocy in his late years. he's been doing the stupidest things lately...and then stirring up a fight when there didnt need to be one. if he would only admit he's in the wrong, and he is, then it wouldnt always expload the way it does. but he doesnt; and we all suffer for it. because they will be at each others throats, and then have an extremely short fuse with the rest of us. frusterating situation, i realize, but as with most things i try to block it out as much and as often as possible. it gets easier with time, and practice. my teenage sister has entered her troubled years, but apparently, wasnt as intelligent as i used to be. she gets caught at almost every STUPID stunt she pulls...which of course, leads to more fighting at home. i get along with alright, i guess; shes alot like me. just wants to be left alone, doing anything to avoid 'family time'. and my youngest sister? causes much homicidal impulses in the rest of us, STILL. and, unfortunetly for her, her age isnt going to protect her like it did in the past. 'shes only 9' doesnt work 3 years after that. she's going to be a problem when she hits her teens... and im praying ill either be gone or dead by the time that happens. either way, i wont be in this house anymore.
and that covers the catch-up part of this post; my family is still as wholly disfunctional as its always been, and nothing at all has really changed since the last update. besides the renewed ability to procure a paycheck. we're halfway there. take a deep breath? okay. lets continue.
phisically and medically im doing okay, i think. i need to lose weight...again...but that will happen easily, once the snows stop. ill be able to exersize out doors again. so im not terribly worried about that. im still kinda perpetually sore; especially the neck and back area; which of course is 'past inflicted wounds' coming back to haunt me, and is therefore larely ignored. at one point i was talked into going to the doctors; if only because my nightmares had came back, and anxiety was becoming a problem i was having less and less ability to control. so, after talking to my asshole doctor for way too long, i was prescribed...something. i dont know how to spell it, and im not going upstairs to find out. so bare with me. whatever it is, it forces me to be calm, and sometimes drowzy. kind of like an ever-lasting uncaring. you never get phased by anything..as long as it lasts, anyway. i decided to take it cause, really, i dont care anymore. drug me. i really dont care.
mentally, im a little more fragile, i guess. the medication helps, but alot gets in the way. i worry constantly about things or people, and i cant stop. not being able to sleep doesnt help, really, but thats getting a little better. im still single, and still planning on staying that way. its gotten to the point where i feel kind of 'hardened' actually. dont get me wrong, im totally inhuman or anything... i still have alot of feelings for people, and i can think of several people off the bat who i would do anything for, because i care about them so much. and yet, i will NOT go into a relationship. sometimes, it doesnt even bother me. it feels kinda like what frostbite would feel. that im so frozen inside, it doesnt even hurt anymore. numb. and then, othertimes, its all i can do to hold back. i havent gotten back into my 'downward spiral' of suicidal tendancies, and i swear to that. i gave my word, to somebody very important to me, that i wouldnt ever again. ive broken that promise once or twice...and deeply regretted it afterwards. a regret strong enough to harden my resolve; it doesnt matter that the person i promised doesnt give a shit about me anymore, he's still got a prominent place in my heart, and i wont let that go.
so, to keep myself from going back to that dark, tattered corner in my mind, i do alot in my own time. i read, almost constantly. ive spent alot of money on books...but its worth it. even online, i read. all the time. ive got lots of music to keep me happy now, and im always looking for more. livejournal itself always keeps me busy, with all the communities ive joined, and as usual, i still hav all the webcomics and assorted online whatnot to play with, and that keeps me...content. a little. ive lost a couple of friends....but ive made new friends too. darling Dari, Corey, Jaymi. i still keep in constant contact with a few 'in person' friends, Jenna, Mel, and Jonny mostly. some people online i dont even hear from anymore; Jacky, who is constantly in my prayers and spells, may not ever come back to me. William, who i havent seen forever...even Aden, my darling aussie brother, has been MIA for a long time. I miss them alot. there are a few people who just dont want to talk to me...so i dont talk with them very often. just often enough to remind me of the sound of their voice...or the color of their eyes. that sort of thing. even if its online, it is things ive heard/seen, and there are just some connections i cant bring myself to break. then there are the guys i would be lost without; Scott, Dale, Josh, a few others. people who i see online, and i HAVE to talk to. i love all you guys, really i do. my online friends, and a few of my not-online friends, are really the only reason why the next breath i take even matters.
speaking of praying...yay! Imbolic, one of our lessor holidays, just passed...i didnt do anything. lol. but Ostara's coming up! im going to either be a) going to a gathering of friends to celebrate or, b) find my way up to toronto for the pagan community ostara celebration. i know there is one, i just dont have the details right now. either way; its my favorite holiday out of all of them, and i entend to enjoy myself. other then that.....thats it, actually. i think ive covered everything; my online social life, my in person one. my current employment status, and the state of my mind/heart/soul/body. plus a recap of events, from the last update. thats all i have.
if youve acutally read this, you get a special hug/molest from me. if, like most, you havent, thats okay, too. i dont have that much of an interst in my life; i cant really expect anyone else to....so. in conclusion?.........
......my insence has burned out. ill get a new one. raspberry spash, i think.
for those few brave enough to read on, my heartfelt condolences.
not alot has changed in the enviroment of this house since the last update. im not going to bother reading it to remember where i left off; it was christmas time. and as usual, my family went through hell, there was an extrodinary amount of fighting, and alot of last-minute things that had to get done before christmas....and then christmas happened. we were spoiled outragously, as usual. i made a catalog of everything i got (as a tool to help me remember what i got, and from whom) and it was an enjoyable holiday; it usually is. its the one time of the year that my family makes the effort to act like a 'typical' happy family. act being the key word there, folks. about a week after christmas, i was very busy. all of the decorations, with the exception of the upper-floor decorative christmas tree, were packed away till next year. alot of cooking and cleaning was done, a good 2/3 of it done by me. again; not surprising. i no longer had employment to get in the way of my chores, and my family was ever-quick to point that out to me, as if i had somehow forgotten in my mere six months of employment. and so it was that new years came and passed, and unfortunetly, the world did not end as the year did. i set up the party, helped with the food, and stayed locked away in my room, with a carefully planned ritual to keep me busy as the year ended.
sometime after that, the ninth i think it was, i was offered a re-position at Premier. because i was already trained, and they desperately needed someone to come in as relief. and so, much to my natural horror, i find myself working and carpooling with my mother and my aunt....again. sigh. it hasnt been so bad, the work is easy, if somewhat tiresome. my only problem being i picked up on faster then they thought i would, so i keep running out of work to do. and i have to do extra-curricular things to keep myself busy. but meh, its employment, and money, so i guess thats something. i havent really done anything in the way of social interaction for awhile, really. there was a night sometime ago when i played a D&D game with a few friends, and that was enjoyable. and there have been some sushi outings; we all get cravings. but mostly, my life has been get up early at 6 or so, work for 8 hours, make dinner on coming home and then....thats it. on weekends i do the nessessary housework, and ususally a driving lesson. ive been doing that alot; ive had 12 hours in the last 2 months. my test has been set, and panic has set a dull thud to my entire being...but that was expected. im dealing with it, as well as i can. the medication sometimes helps; ill get to that later, in the medical report.
household politics havent really improved since the last update. my mother, as usual, isnt feeling well. she cant help that; her blood's against her. but this has the unwelcome effect of her being very demanding..and bitchy. so, mostly as a reason to avoid conflict, i ignore any and all of the usual comments, fights, and insults, and get done whatever i have to. my father, apparently, has subjected himself to idiocy in his late years. he's been doing the stupidest things lately...and then stirring up a fight when there didnt need to be one. if he would only admit he's in the wrong, and he is, then it wouldnt always expload the way it does. but he doesnt; and we all suffer for it. because they will be at each others throats, and then have an extremely short fuse with the rest of us. frusterating situation, i realize, but as with most things i try to block it out as much and as often as possible. it gets easier with time, and practice. my teenage sister has entered her troubled years, but apparently, wasnt as intelligent as i used to be. she gets caught at almost every STUPID stunt she pulls...which of course, leads to more fighting at home. i get along with alright, i guess; shes alot like me. just wants to be left alone, doing anything to avoid 'family time'. and my youngest sister? causes much homicidal impulses in the rest of us, STILL. and, unfortunetly for her, her age isnt going to protect her like it did in the past. 'shes only 9' doesnt work 3 years after that. she's going to be a problem when she hits her teens... and im praying ill either be gone or dead by the time that happens. either way, i wont be in this house anymore.
and that covers the catch-up part of this post; my family is still as wholly disfunctional as its always been, and nothing at all has really changed since the last update. besides the renewed ability to procure a paycheck. we're halfway there. take a deep breath? okay. lets continue.
phisically and medically im doing okay, i think. i need to lose weight...again...but that will happen easily, once the snows stop. ill be able to exersize out doors again. so im not terribly worried about that. im still kinda perpetually sore; especially the neck and back area; which of course is 'past inflicted wounds' coming back to haunt me, and is therefore larely ignored. at one point i was talked into going to the doctors; if only because my nightmares had came back, and anxiety was becoming a problem i was having less and less ability to control. so, after talking to my asshole doctor for way too long, i was prescribed...something. i dont know how to spell it, and im not going upstairs to find out. so bare with me. whatever it is, it forces me to be calm, and sometimes drowzy. kind of like an ever-lasting uncaring. you never get phased by anything..as long as it lasts, anyway. i decided to take it cause, really, i dont care anymore. drug me. i really dont care.
mentally, im a little more fragile, i guess. the medication helps, but alot gets in the way. i worry constantly about things or people, and i cant stop. not being able to sleep doesnt help, really, but thats getting a little better. im still single, and still planning on staying that way. its gotten to the point where i feel kind of 'hardened' actually. dont get me wrong, im totally inhuman or anything... i still have alot of feelings for people, and i can think of several people off the bat who i would do anything for, because i care about them so much. and yet, i will NOT go into a relationship. sometimes, it doesnt even bother me. it feels kinda like what frostbite would feel. that im so frozen inside, it doesnt even hurt anymore. numb. and then, othertimes, its all i can do to hold back. i havent gotten back into my 'downward spiral' of suicidal tendancies, and i swear to that. i gave my word, to somebody very important to me, that i wouldnt ever again. ive broken that promise once or twice...and deeply regretted it afterwards. a regret strong enough to harden my resolve; it doesnt matter that the person i promised doesnt give a shit about me anymore, he's still got a prominent place in my heart, and i wont let that go.
so, to keep myself from going back to that dark, tattered corner in my mind, i do alot in my own time. i read, almost constantly. ive spent alot of money on books...but its worth it. even online, i read. all the time. ive got lots of music to keep me happy now, and im always looking for more. livejournal itself always keeps me busy, with all the communities ive joined, and as usual, i still hav all the webcomics and assorted online whatnot to play with, and that keeps me...content. a little. ive lost a couple of friends....but ive made new friends too. darling Dari, Corey, Jaymi. i still keep in constant contact with a few 'in person' friends, Jenna, Mel, and Jonny mostly. some people online i dont even hear from anymore; Jacky, who is constantly in my prayers and spells, may not ever come back to me. William, who i havent seen forever...even Aden, my darling aussie brother, has been MIA for a long time. I miss them alot. there are a few people who just dont want to talk to me...so i dont talk with them very often. just often enough to remind me of the sound of their voice...or the color of their eyes. that sort of thing. even if its online, it is things ive heard/seen, and there are just some connections i cant bring myself to break. then there are the guys i would be lost without; Scott, Dale, Josh, a few others. people who i see online, and i HAVE to talk to. i love all you guys, really i do. my online friends, and a few of my not-online friends, are really the only reason why the next breath i take even matters.
speaking of praying...yay! Imbolic, one of our lessor holidays, just passed...i didnt do anything. lol. but Ostara's coming up! im going to either be a) going to a gathering of friends to celebrate or, b) find my way up to toronto for the pagan community ostara celebration. i know there is one, i just dont have the details right now. either way; its my favorite holiday out of all of them, and i entend to enjoy myself. other then that.....thats it, actually. i think ive covered everything; my online social life, my in person one. my current employment status, and the state of my mind/heart/soul/body. plus a recap of events, from the last update. thats all i have.
if youve acutally read this, you get a special hug/molest from me. if, like most, you havent, thats okay, too. i dont have that much of an interst in my life; i cant really expect anyone else to....so. in conclusion?.........
......my insence has burned out. ill get a new one. raspberry spash, i think.