Letter to Claudia in Ukraine. Frankly, I'm sharing it for no good reason. Maybe to be emo....
Oh Claudia I'm so happy to hear from you! Mom told me all about your internet dilemma. I'm sorry but I have to admit, I found it rather funny, ironic, that the INTERNET cafe doesn't have internet! You poor kid. It was so sweet of you to write me the first chance you had. I imagine you have lots to worry about, and I'm very lucky to have a sister as thoughtful as you.
So....Mom told you about Zach and I. She's so gossipy sometimes...But she must have told you because it's been such a big deal to me. I try not to let things bother me more than they should, but presently my heart is just one big wound that he decided to pour salt in. I knew that we weren't going to get married! But we had a pretty nice relationship, and he dumped me out of nowhere, for TERRIBLE reasons. The worst reasons. He felt sexually deprived! What's more pathetic is that I really wanted to work things out, or at least end things on good terms. I begged him to talk to me about it more and give me a chance to fix things. I apologized repeatedly, even though deep down I wasn't sorry, because I didn't do anything wrong. Obviously he dumped me for incredibly shallow reasons. When I called him he treated me like I wasn't worthy of his time, and hung on me. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that getting back together with Zach was appropriate, but I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to know what I did to deserve being dropped so dramatically. I had no idea how important sex was to him. How can he rationalize placing so much value on that? It hurt so badly, because I thought we had so much more. Apparently I was just another girl, another notch on his slutty belt. And of course this left me feeling cheap and worthless. Believe me, I know I shouldn't allow it to get to me, but it did anyway. Obviously I should have left things at that, but I kept calling him. At first I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to call the jackass, but then I realized: I needed closure. I'm a person who wants to get along with everybody and I don't like having enemies. The notion that someone I was so close with, that I truly love (and still do love because I'm a dumbass) that I thought loved me, that thought I was "the greatest girl in the world," suddenly hated me, ate away at me. I called and said embarrassing things like, "I'm so sorry...I promise I can fix things, just give me one more chance," and then I broke down hysterically crying...And he hung up on me again. He didn't want to make amends. Isn't it amazing how someone can be so cruel? I found it amazing--I thought he was a nice guy! So I spent the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself. Lying in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. Crying. Complaining to my friends. Crying to my friends. Sleeping all day. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and self-loathing and fear and pain. I didn't want to wake up because that meant I had to get through another day, barely able to breathe. Mom was annoying me about the whole thing because I didn't feel comfortable explaining things to her. So she pried and pried---ughhh. As usual, she tried to make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. She said things like, "Why do you care so much?" "Forget about him!" I'm sure you understand that things aren't as simple as that. And I can't control my anxiety...It takes over, it's paralyzing...It hurts to move.
So now I'm paying the hefty price for my loathing period. I've slacked off so badly that if I don't perform perfectly for the rest of the semester I can lose credit in my classes. My teachers hate me. This conveys to them that I'm not a serious student; I'm a serious nutjob that needs to learn how to deal. I met with Ernesto today, who's upset with me for doing so poorly. He claims the teachers don't hate me. Maybe they don't, but there is no denying that this certainly hasn't made them like me. He said I was using my anxiety as an excuse not to do work. I don't think that's true, because under normal circumstances I would be on top of my work. I've just been so miserable that I don't want to think about it. But now I need to buckle down with my schoolwork...The heartache hasn't gotten better--it's hard to recover after taking a knife to the chest.
Besides almost failing out of school and hating myself more than ever, things are okay. My friends are great. They've helped me through my drama. I haven't told the family yet, you're the first one, but I bought a tarantula. Her name is Eleanor. She eats crickets. Now I know what you're thinking; I know you think it's crazy and you don't approve. But I needed a pet! I was so depressed and lonely, what better than a big-ass hairy spider???
So now I gotta do work. Don't get me wrong, I still hate my life and would love to go into a deep coma and dream of unicorns and rainbows and guinea pigs...But that's life. I gotta get over it.
I spent this whole letter complaining about myself. I wanted to keep you fully up to date! I wrote everything I would tell you if you were here--so we can remain close. There was a purpose to all this bitching a moaning! I'm sorry...I hope ya just skimmed over it.
I love you! Next e-mail, you have to tell me all about your new life!!! I'll be in better spirits by then. By then I'll be a new woman.
Rock on sister!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXOOOOOOO (yes, I would give you this many hugs and kisses, this IS'NT me carelessly holding down the "X" and "O" keys)
So....Mom told you about Zach and I. She's so gossipy sometimes...But she must have told you because it's been such a big deal to me. I try not to let things bother me more than they should, but presently my heart is just one big wound that he decided to pour salt in. I knew that we weren't going to get married! But we had a pretty nice relationship, and he dumped me out of nowhere, for TERRIBLE reasons. The worst reasons. He felt sexually deprived! What's more pathetic is that I really wanted to work things out, or at least end things on good terms. I begged him to talk to me about it more and give me a chance to fix things. I apologized repeatedly, even though deep down I wasn't sorry, because I didn't do anything wrong. Obviously he dumped me for incredibly shallow reasons. When I called him he treated me like I wasn't worthy of his time, and hung on me. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that getting back together with Zach was appropriate, but I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to know what I did to deserve being dropped so dramatically. I had no idea how important sex was to him. How can he rationalize placing so much value on that? It hurt so badly, because I thought we had so much more. Apparently I was just another girl, another notch on his slutty belt. And of course this left me feeling cheap and worthless. Believe me, I know I shouldn't allow it to get to me, but it did anyway. Obviously I should have left things at that, but I kept calling him. At first I couldn't figure out why I was so drawn to call the jackass, but then I realized: I needed closure. I'm a person who wants to get along with everybody and I don't like having enemies. The notion that someone I was so close with, that I truly love (and still do love because I'm a dumbass) that I thought loved me, that thought I was "the greatest girl in the world," suddenly hated me, ate away at me. I called and said embarrassing things like, "I'm so sorry...I promise I can fix things, just give me one more chance," and then I broke down hysterically crying...And he hung up on me again. He didn't want to make amends. Isn't it amazing how someone can be so cruel? I found it amazing--I thought he was a nice guy! So I spent the last two weeks feeling sorry for myself. Lying in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. Crying. Complaining to my friends. Crying to my friends. Sleeping all day. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and self-loathing and fear and pain. I didn't want to wake up because that meant I had to get through another day, barely able to breathe. Mom was annoying me about the whole thing because I didn't feel comfortable explaining things to her. So she pried and pried---ughhh. As usual, she tried to make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. She said things like, "Why do you care so much?" "Forget about him!" I'm sure you understand that things aren't as simple as that. And I can't control my anxiety...It takes over, it's paralyzing...It hurts to move.
So now I'm paying the hefty price for my loathing period. I've slacked off so badly that if I don't perform perfectly for the rest of the semester I can lose credit in my classes. My teachers hate me. This conveys to them that I'm not a serious student; I'm a serious nutjob that needs to learn how to deal. I met with Ernesto today, who's upset with me for doing so poorly. He claims the teachers don't hate me. Maybe they don't, but there is no denying that this certainly hasn't made them like me. He said I was using my anxiety as an excuse not to do work. I don't think that's true, because under normal circumstances I would be on top of my work. I've just been so miserable that I don't want to think about it. But now I need to buckle down with my schoolwork...The heartache hasn't gotten better--it's hard to recover after taking a knife to the chest.
Besides almost failing out of school and hating myself more than ever, things are okay. My friends are great. They've helped me through my drama. I haven't told the family yet, you're the first one, but I bought a tarantula. Her name is Eleanor. She eats crickets. Now I know what you're thinking; I know you think it's crazy and you don't approve. But I needed a pet! I was so depressed and lonely, what better than a big-ass hairy spider???
So now I gotta do work. Don't get me wrong, I still hate my life and would love to go into a deep coma and dream of unicorns and rainbows and guinea pigs...But that's life. I gotta get over it.
I spent this whole letter complaining about myself. I wanted to keep you fully up to date! I wrote everything I would tell you if you were here--so we can remain close. There was a purpose to all this bitching a moaning! I'm sorry...I hope ya just skimmed over it.
I love you! Next e-mail, you have to tell me all about your new life!!! I'll be in better spirits by then. By then I'll be a new woman.
Rock on sister!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXOOOOOOO (yes, I would give you this many hugs and kisses, this IS'NT me carelessly holding down the "X" and "O" keys)