30 Days of HP / Made of Fail
04. Your favourite movie
Chamber of Secrets. This is the point where the Trio’s bad acting is still adorable, but the story was so much closer to the books than the subsequent movies. Plus, those giant spiders still freak me out. Must be the pincers.
05. Wizard Rock: Discuss
I vaguely know what it is, but I neither own it or listen to it.
06. Your favorite character(s)
Well, in terms of major character, I would have to say Harry. Good ol’ Harry. Just Harry. I think my favourite part about him is that I don’t feel the need to call him a hero. Sure, he does brave and heroic things, but he’s no hero. He’s a, for all intents and purposes, ordinary boy who is followed by extraordinary circumstances and responds in kind. But he’s fallible, bitchy at times, blind to a lot of things, and is capable of using the two slightly less evil Unforgivables. I suppose I like him because he’s not a Gary Stu, perfect boy.
In terms of minor characters, I have to give a shout-out to my main man Albus Potter. Most of you who have read my NG stuff know what I’ve put that poor boy through and how much different I think he really is than both his parents. He’s afraid of heights, gets motion sick, exercises bad judgement, and for the most part is about as unprecocious as a child can get. That being said, he’s just…normal to me.
07. Song that reminds you of HP
I don’t really associate songs with movies or books, per se. I typically associate songs with characters. In that list, there are probably too many to list.
08. Your favorite ship(s)
And yet another loaded question. I like many ships, but only if they’re in experienced hands. I can read something as canonically ridiculous as Drinny and like it if it’s adequately characterised and portrayed. I also like a good number of canon ships. I like some rarepairs, and I like some ships that canon nazis hate (coughharmonycough). For me, it’s always about the author and the story, not about the ship so much. Currently, though, I’m working on an especially rarepair one-shot. At least one of you will like it.
It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun
Phone Company | Toronto, ON, Canada
(I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)
Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”
Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”
Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”
(I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)
Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”
Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”
Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”
Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”
Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”
Wet The Appetite
Pet Store | Staten Island, NY, USA
(A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)
Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”
Me:“I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”
Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”
Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”
Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”
Me:“Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”
Customer:“Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”
Not A Believer
Auto Mechanic | Chicago, IL, USA
Me: “Hello, can I help you?”
Caller: “Hi, how much is an oil change?”
Me: “$38.99.”
Caller: “Okay, well usually I bring in a coupon and they give me money off, but I don’t have it with me this time. Can you just give me a discount?”
Me: “No, we actually need to scan the hard copy itself to enter a discount.”
Caller: “Well, what if I bring in a make-believe coupon?”
Me: “A what?”
Caller: “You know, a make-believe coupon?”
Me: “Those are good for make-believe oil changes.”
Winner Of The No-Door-Bell Prize
Grocery Store | Halifax, NS, Canada
Customer: “Why won’t the door open?”
Me: “It opens like a normal door. It’s not automatic.”
Customer: “I don’t get it.”
Me: “Give it a push.”
(The customer backs up and tries to ‘activate’ the door again.)
Customer: “It won’t open!”
Environ-mental
Retail | Toronto, ON, USA
Me: “Ma’am, would you like a bag to carry any of these items?”
Customer: “No, I’m an environmentalist. I don’t want to add to destroy our environment.”
Me: “Ma’am, security for this store requests that everyone at least receive a bag to know that you’ve bought items here.”
Customer: “You can’t tell me that I have to take a bag and I won’t have it. I refuse to contribute to the garbage problem!”
Me: “Fine, would you like to keep these hangers that your clothes came with?”
Customer: “No, just throw them out.”
Thankful For A Thankless Job
Movie Theater | Florida, USA
(I am working behind the concession stand on Thanksgiving day.)
Me: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Can I buy some of that food over there?”
(They point to the employee’s Thanksgiving food we have to eat between shows.)
Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry it’s not for sale.”
Customer: “Why not? That’s ridiculous.”
Me: “Our families brought us that food for Thanksgiving since we have to be here instead of celebrating with them. I can’t sell it to you.”
Customer: “You’re so selfish!”
They Cry Real Tears Too
Retail | Keene, NH, USA
(I watch as a customer unfolds every single shirt at a table, holds it up, and then puts it back. She walks to the next table and I begin refolding the shirts.)
Customer: “Oh, wow!”
Me: “Is something wrong, ma’am?”
Customer: “No, nothing. I just didn’t realize they got real people to fold the shirts!”
Empty Cans, Even Emptier Stomachs
Charity | Ontario, Canada
(My friends and I are going door to door collecting cans for a food drive at our church.)
Me: “Hello, we are collecting cans of food for [church]. Would you like to donate?”
Teenage Girl: “So you guys take cans. What about pop cans?”
Me: “No, we only take canned foods.”
Teenage Girl: “Are you sure? I have some pop cans I don’t need.”
Me: “No, we only accept canned foods.”
Teenage Girl: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”
(The girl closes the door and bangs around inside for a couple minutes. Then she opens the door with a handful of cans.)
Teenage Girl: “Here are the cans. I grabbed some pop cans too.”
(We look at the cans she gave us, and realize that they are all empty.)
Teenage Girl: *to her mom* “I took out the recycling, Mom!”
PEBCAK, Episode IV
University Tech Support | Connecticut, USA
(The head of a department wants her word processor upgraded to the latest version.)
Manager: *on phone* “Okay, I’ll send Jeff over to upgrade you. Please back up all your documents, because he’s going to delete the existing version and install the new one.”
(I go to her office.)
Me: “Hi, I’m here to upgrade [word processor] for you. Have you backed up your documents?”
Customer: “Of course I have.”
Me: “Great!”
(I wipe out the existing directory and install the new version. A few minutes before I get back to the faculty computing center, the phone rings.)
Customer: on phone “Where are all my letters and papers? They’re all gone!”
Manager: “Jeff says you backed up your documents.”
Customer: “Well, I didn’t know what you guys meant by that. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I said yes.”
Related:
PEBCAK, Episode III
PEBCAK, Episode II
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard
The Frozen Wastes
Restaurant | Canada
Customer: “Hello dear. Could you tell me where the bathrooms are?”
Me: “Towards the back of the restaurant, behind the bar.”
Customer: “Thank you.”
(The customer goes away for a time and comes to find me later.)
Customer: “Thank you again, dear, but you may want to change your bathroom decor. It looks a lot like a freezer.”
Me: “Ma’am, our bathrooms look nothing like a freezer. They are normal bathrooms.”
Customer: “Oh dear…”
I Can’t Hear Myself Think, Part 2
Bookstore | Ottawa, ON, Canada
(Our store plays soft, acoustic music over the speakers. An old man approaches me angrily.)
Customer: “Your music is too loud!”
Me: “Pardon?”
Customer: “Your music is too loud. I can’t read!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Most people like it.”
Customer: “You shouldn’t be playing music in a bookstore! It should be like a library!”
(He storms off, yelling over his shoulder.)
Customer: “I don’t come in here to buy things, I come in here to read! It should be like a library!”
Related:
I Can’t Hear Myself Think
When A Firewall Just Doesn’t Cut The Mustard
Call Center | Norway
Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”
Customer: “What cable?”
Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone-outlet in the wall, to the router.”
Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about…is that something you installed for me?”
Wish You Could White-Out That Last Comment
Office Supply Store | Dayton, OH, USA
(A customer is looking at printer cartridges/)
Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”
Customer: “Yeah, I need a black and white ink cartridge.”
Me: *joking* “Well, we’re out of black and white ink. How about black and clear?”
Customer: “No! I really need the white ink!”
Computers Increase The Chance Of Identity Theft
Department Store | Baltimore, MD, USA
(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”
Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”
Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”
Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”
Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”
Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”
Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”
Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”
Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”
Me: “Please calm down and leave.”
Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”
Me: “Do you?”
Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction
Conservatory | South Deerfield, MA, USA
(I am holding one of our Bearded Dragon Lizards for customers to pet.)
Customer: “Okay, so I know they’re Bearded Dragons, but what are they?”
Me: “They are Bearded Dragons.”
Customer: “I know that, but aren’t they a type of insect or something?”
Me: “No, ma’am. They are a type of reptile.”
Customer: “Oh. Are they related to the ones that breathe fire?”
Misunderstood ‘Total Coverage’
Pharmacy | Detroit, MI, USA
Me: “Our records show you’ve never had a prescription filled here before, so I’ll need an ID and your insurance.”
Customer: “Here’s my ID. I don’t have my insurance on me, but it’s through [car insurance company].”
Me: “Sir, I think that’s your car insurance. Do you have health insurance?”
Customer: “You mean there’s more than one kind?”
Not Exactly Gifted, Part 2
Video Game Store | Orange County, CA, USA
(A 12-year-old boy, comes up to the counter, holding a gift card.)
Customer: “How much is this?”
Me: “As much or as little as you want on it.”
Customer: “But what does it do?”
Me: “You give it to people as gifts. It has money on it.”
Customer: “How much?”
Me: “Like I said, as much or as little as you want.”
Customer: “Can I get $10?”
Me: “Sure.”
(I ring up the gift card.)
Me: “That’ll be $10.”
(He hands me $1.35.)
Me: “This isn’t enough. I need $10.”
Customer: “I only have that.”
Me: “Then you can’t get the gift card.”
Customer: “But, you said I could do any amount!”
Related:
Not Exactly Gifted
Not The Brightest Idea
Restaurant | Iowa, USA
Customer: “Can you turn this light off?” *points to the light hanging over the table*
Me: “I’m sorry, but all the lights are connected. I can take the bulb out, but I would need to get a towel because it’s hot.”
Customer: “Okay.”
(I return under a minute later with a towel to see the light off.)
Customer: “I took care of it.”
(After clearing the table, I see she broke the bulb and put the glass pieces in her salad.)
Tech Support Is Rendered Fruitless
Tech Support | Minnesota, USA
Customer: “My computer has fruit in it!”
Me: “Like what?”
Customer: “Every time I turn my computer on, it has a fruit in it.”
Me: “You mean an apple?”
Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”
Me: “That means you have that brand of computer. Do you need anything else, ma’am?”
Customer: “Well, I don’t really like apples. Can I get a cantaloupe on it instead?”
Ignoring The Lack Of An Elephant In The Room
Wildlife Park | Wichita, KS, USA
Customer: “Someone told me you have elephant rides out there.”
Me: “No ma’am, we have camel rides and pony rides, but no elephant rides.”
Customer: “But no elephant rides?”
Me: “No ma’am, we don’t have elephants here.”
Customer: “But someone told me you had elephant rides!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but that person must have been mistaken. We do not have elephant rides.”
Customer: “Well, where can I ride an elephant, then?”
Cash Back, Government Style
Convenience Store | United Kingdom
Me: “Okay, that’s £10.00 please.”
Customer: *handing me cash* “Could I have £10 cash-back as well, please?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you need to pay on your card to get cash-back.”
Customer: “Oh, do you?”
Me: “Yes, otherwise we’d just be giving you money.”
Go Directly To School, Do Not Pass Go
Bookstore | Oxford, UK
Customer: “Hi, I need to buy Monopoly.”
Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t actually sell board games.”
Customer: “Oh? Why not?”
Me: “Well, this is a bookshop. We pretty much only sell books.”
Customer: “Can I get the book of Monopoly?”
Me: “I’m not sure we have any books about Monopoly the game, but I can have a look on our system.” *I check the system* “Yes, I’m sorry. The only books we have are about monopolies in finance.”
Customer: “Maybe that will do? Does it come with the hat and everything?”
Me: “It’s a book, not a board game so there aren’t any player pieces or anything, and we don’t actually have any books about the board game monopoly either. I think if you’re interested in Monopoly the game, you should go to [store] across the street.”
Customer: “Okay, maybe I’ll try that. While I’m here though, do you have that one with the candlestick and the library?”
Me: “Cluedo?” (Called ‘Clue’ in the USA.) “Again, I’m afraid it’s a board game so [store] across the street is your best bet.”
Customer: “How do you expect kids to like reading when you don’t sell anything they’d want to read?!”
Why Can’t We All Just Get Oolong
Coffee Shop | Rancho Cucamonga, CA, USA
Customer: “What is the difference between chai tea and Tai Chi?”
Me: *jokingly* “Well, one is a spiced black tea, and the other is a can of whoop-ass.”
Customer: “I think I’ll have the black tea.”
Noah’s Nondescript Ark
Zoo | San Diego, CA, USA
Customer: “So, uh, on this tour, will I, uh, feed the…uh…tall things, and uh, the not as tall…things?”
Me: “You mean the giraffes…and rhinos?”
Customer: “Yes, that’s it! It’s like you’re reading my mind!”
(Not One Of) History’s Mysteries
Bookstore | Chicago, IL, USA
(I am helping a little boy find a children’s book on Native American history for a book report.)
Me: “I think this one will come in handy. It’s all about the different Native American tribes and traditions. It even includes a large map showing where the Native American tribes lived.”
Little Boy: “Thank you!”
(He walks away with his book and an adult customer approaches me.)
Customer: “Why did you do that?”
Me: “Do what?”
Customer: “Tell him those are real.”
Me: “Native Americans?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “Because they are real.”
Customer: “No! They only exist in movies with cowboys!”
Me: “I can assure you that Native Americans exist.”
Customer: *mocking* “I suppose you believe cowboys really existed, too?”
Flipping Through The Atlas
Video Game Store | San Jose, CA, USA
(I am Filipino, but people often mistake me for Chinese due to my pale skin. Another Filipino co-worker comes in while I am working with a customer. We exchange greetings in Tagalog, a Filipino language with some Spanish influences.)
Customer: “Say that again. That thing you said to that other guy.”
Me: “Kumusta?”
Customer: “‘Cómo está’. That’s Spanish! What does a Chinese dude need to know Spanish for?”
Me: “Actually, I-”
Customer: “Say something else in Spanish!”
Me: “Sir, I don’t speak Spanish very well.”
Customer: “Come on! Say something!”
Me: “Vamanos?”
Customer: “Wow! Hey, do you speak Chinese?”
Me: “Sorry, no.”
Customer: “Come on now! You must know some Chinese!”
Me: “Uh… I don’t know… ‘Ni hao’?”
Customer: “Now say something in Japanese!”
Me: “Sir?”
Customer: “Japanese!”
Me: “Arigato?”
Customer: “Now do Russian!”
Me: “Vodka?”
It Will Be All Right Angled On The Night
Framing Store | Montreal, QC, Canada
(I had dealt with this customer three hours before this phone call to make an 16×20 frame. I’ve given them a copy of the bill so they can see all the information.)
Customer: “I think the girl who did my order made a mistake! I think she wrote the sizes in backwards.”
Me: “Backwards? Did she write 61×02?”
Customer: “No. Were it says ‘width’ she wrote 20, but the width is 16!
Me: “Did she write 16 as the height ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes! But that means the frame will be longer than wide.”
Me: “The frame looks the same on all sides ma’am. 20×16 and 16×20 are the same size. All they’ll have to do is turn it 90 degrees.”
Customer: “They’re smart enough to do that?”
No Sting In This Tale
Fish Store | Silver Spring, MD, USA
(Note: we sell fake jelly fish as tank decorations.)
Me: “May I help you?”
Customer: “I want some jelly fish, but I need you to answer some questions first.”
Me: “Of course. Go for it.”
Customer: “How do I keep them alive in this plastic packaging?”
Me: “They aren’t alive.”
Customer: “So why are you trying to sell them?!”
Me: “They’re decorations. They’re made of plastic.”
Customer: “How am I supposed to know this?”
Me: “They are plastic, have a string attached to them, have a sign that says ‘plastic jelly fish’, and they say ‘made in china’ on them.”
Customer: *pause* “I’ll just take one of those castle decorations…”
You Gotta Be Flushing Kidding Me
Retail | Chicago, IL, USA
Customer: “Do you all have a public bathroom?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry. It’s out of order.”
Customer: “What! What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “Well, someone clogged to toilet with paper towels and it doesn’t flush.”
Customer: “Well, can I use it and not flush?”
Grandma Vs The Internet
Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA
(A customer brings in her desktop for repair.)
Customer: “Excuse me sir, can you help me? I’ve done something terrible.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”
Customer: “Well, I was on the computer, and all of these naughty images started to pop up. Well, I didn’t want my grandkids thinking their grandma was into something nasty, so I started to delete things and well…I’ve deleted the internet!”
Me: “It will be alright, ma’am. I think we can save the internet.”
Chamber of Secrets. This is the point where the Trio’s bad acting is still adorable, but the story was so much closer to the books than the subsequent movies. Plus, those giant spiders still freak me out. Must be the pincers.
05. Wizard Rock: Discuss
I vaguely know what it is, but I neither own it or listen to it.
06. Your favorite character(s)
Well, in terms of major character, I would have to say Harry. Good ol’ Harry. Just Harry. I think my favourite part about him is that I don’t feel the need to call him a hero. Sure, he does brave and heroic things, but he’s no hero. He’s a, for all intents and purposes, ordinary boy who is followed by extraordinary circumstances and responds in kind. But he’s fallible, bitchy at times, blind to a lot of things, and is capable of using the two slightly less evil Unforgivables. I suppose I like him because he’s not a Gary Stu, perfect boy.
In terms of minor characters, I have to give a shout-out to my main man Albus Potter. Most of you who have read my NG stuff know what I’ve put that poor boy through and how much different I think he really is than both his parents. He’s afraid of heights, gets motion sick, exercises bad judgement, and for the most part is about as unprecocious as a child can get. That being said, he’s just…normal to me.
07. Song that reminds you of HP
I don’t really associate songs with movies or books, per se. I typically associate songs with characters. In that list, there are probably too many to list.
08. Your favorite ship(s)
And yet another loaded question. I like many ships, but only if they’re in experienced hands. I can read something as canonically ridiculous as Drinny and like it if it’s adequately characterised and portrayed. I also like a good number of canon ships. I like some rarepairs, and I like some ships that canon nazis hate (coughharmonycough). For me, it’s always about the author and the story, not about the ship so much. Currently, though, I’m working on an especially rarepair one-shot. At least one of you will like it.
It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun
Phone Company | Toronto, ON, Canada
(I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)
Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”
Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”
Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”
(I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)
Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”
Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”
Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”
Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”
Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”
Wet The Appetite
Pet Store | Staten Island, NY, USA
(A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)
Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”
Me:“I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”
Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”
Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”
Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”
Me:“Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”
Customer:“Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”
Not A Believer
Auto Mechanic | Chicago, IL, USA
Me: “Hello, can I help you?”
Caller: “Hi, how much is an oil change?”
Me: “$38.99.”
Caller: “Okay, well usually I bring in a coupon and they give me money off, but I don’t have it with me this time. Can you just give me a discount?”
Me: “No, we actually need to scan the hard copy itself to enter a discount.”
Caller: “Well, what if I bring in a make-believe coupon?”
Me: “A what?”
Caller: “You know, a make-believe coupon?”
Me: “Those are good for make-believe oil changes.”
Winner Of The No-Door-Bell Prize
Grocery Store | Halifax, NS, Canada
Customer: “Why won’t the door open?”
Me: “It opens like a normal door. It’s not automatic.”
Customer: “I don’t get it.”
Me: “Give it a push.”
(The customer backs up and tries to ‘activate’ the door again.)
Customer: “It won’t open!”
Environ-mental
Retail | Toronto, ON, USA
Me: “Ma’am, would you like a bag to carry any of these items?”
Customer: “No, I’m an environmentalist. I don’t want to add to destroy our environment.”
Me: “Ma’am, security for this store requests that everyone at least receive a bag to know that you’ve bought items here.”
Customer: “You can’t tell me that I have to take a bag and I won’t have it. I refuse to contribute to the garbage problem!”
Me: “Fine, would you like to keep these hangers that your clothes came with?”
Customer: “No, just throw them out.”
Thankful For A Thankless Job
Movie Theater | Florida, USA
(I am working behind the concession stand on Thanksgiving day.)
Me: “How can I help you?”
Customer: “Can I buy some of that food over there?”
(They point to the employee’s Thanksgiving food we have to eat between shows.)
Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry it’s not for sale.”
Customer: “Why not? That’s ridiculous.”
Me: “Our families brought us that food for Thanksgiving since we have to be here instead of celebrating with them. I can’t sell it to you.”
Customer: “You’re so selfish!”
They Cry Real Tears Too
Retail | Keene, NH, USA
(I watch as a customer unfolds every single shirt at a table, holds it up, and then puts it back. She walks to the next table and I begin refolding the shirts.)
Customer: “Oh, wow!”
Me: “Is something wrong, ma’am?”
Customer: “No, nothing. I just didn’t realize they got real people to fold the shirts!”
Empty Cans, Even Emptier Stomachs
Charity | Ontario, Canada
(My friends and I are going door to door collecting cans for a food drive at our church.)
Me: “Hello, we are collecting cans of food for [church]. Would you like to donate?”
Teenage Girl: “So you guys take cans. What about pop cans?”
Me: “No, we only take canned foods.”
Teenage Girl: “Are you sure? I have some pop cans I don’t need.”
Me: “No, we only accept canned foods.”
Teenage Girl: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”
(The girl closes the door and bangs around inside for a couple minutes. Then she opens the door with a handful of cans.)
Teenage Girl: “Here are the cans. I grabbed some pop cans too.”
(We look at the cans she gave us, and realize that they are all empty.)
Teenage Girl: *to her mom* “I took out the recycling, Mom!”
PEBCAK, Episode IV
University Tech Support | Connecticut, USA
(The head of a department wants her word processor upgraded to the latest version.)
Manager: *on phone* “Okay, I’ll send Jeff over to upgrade you. Please back up all your documents, because he’s going to delete the existing version and install the new one.”
(I go to her office.)
Me: “Hi, I’m here to upgrade [word processor] for you. Have you backed up your documents?”
Customer: “Of course I have.”
Me: “Great!”
(I wipe out the existing directory and install the new version. A few minutes before I get back to the faculty computing center, the phone rings.)
Customer: on phone “Where are all my letters and papers? They’re all gone!”
Manager: “Jeff says you backed up your documents.”
Customer: “Well, I didn’t know what you guys meant by that. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I said yes.”
Related:
PEBCAK, Episode III
PEBCAK, Episode II
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard
The Frozen Wastes
Restaurant | Canada
Customer: “Hello dear. Could you tell me where the bathrooms are?”
Me: “Towards the back of the restaurant, behind the bar.”
Customer: “Thank you.”
(The customer goes away for a time and comes to find me later.)
Customer: “Thank you again, dear, but you may want to change your bathroom decor. It looks a lot like a freezer.”
Me: “Ma’am, our bathrooms look nothing like a freezer. They are normal bathrooms.”
Customer: “Oh dear…”
I Can’t Hear Myself Think, Part 2
Bookstore | Ottawa, ON, Canada
(Our store plays soft, acoustic music over the speakers. An old man approaches me angrily.)
Customer: “Your music is too loud!”
Me: “Pardon?”
Customer: “Your music is too loud. I can’t read!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Most people like it.”
Customer: “You shouldn’t be playing music in a bookstore! It should be like a library!”
(He storms off, yelling over his shoulder.)
Customer: “I don’t come in here to buy things, I come in here to read! It should be like a library!”
Related:
I Can’t Hear Myself Think
When A Firewall Just Doesn’t Cut The Mustard
Call Center | Norway
Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”
Customer: “What cable?”
Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone-outlet in the wall, to the router.”
Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about…is that something you installed for me?”
Wish You Could White-Out That Last Comment
Office Supply Store | Dayton, OH, USA
(A customer is looking at printer cartridges/)
Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”
Customer: “Yeah, I need a black and white ink cartridge.”
Me: *joking* “Well, we’re out of black and white ink. How about black and clear?”
Customer: “No! I really need the white ink!”
Computers Increase The Chance Of Identity Theft
Department Store | Baltimore, MD, USA
(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”
Customer: “What?! Why the not?!”
Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”
Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”
Me: “We only have a 30 day refund policy. I’m sorry.”
Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”
Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”
Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”
Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”
Me: “Please calm down and leave.”
Customer: “Do you have any idea who I am?!”
Me: “Do you?”
Suffering From A Reptile Dysfunction
Conservatory | South Deerfield, MA, USA
(I am holding one of our Bearded Dragon Lizards for customers to pet.)
Customer: “Okay, so I know they’re Bearded Dragons, but what are they?”
Me: “They are Bearded Dragons.”
Customer: “I know that, but aren’t they a type of insect or something?”
Me: “No, ma’am. They are a type of reptile.”
Customer: “Oh. Are they related to the ones that breathe fire?”
Misunderstood ‘Total Coverage’
Pharmacy | Detroit, MI, USA
Me: “Our records show you’ve never had a prescription filled here before, so I’ll need an ID and your insurance.”
Customer: “Here’s my ID. I don’t have my insurance on me, but it’s through [car insurance company].”
Me: “Sir, I think that’s your car insurance. Do you have health insurance?”
Customer: “You mean there’s more than one kind?”
Not Exactly Gifted, Part 2
Video Game Store | Orange County, CA, USA
(A 12-year-old boy, comes up to the counter, holding a gift card.)
Customer: “How much is this?”
Me: “As much or as little as you want on it.”
Customer: “But what does it do?”
Me: “You give it to people as gifts. It has money on it.”
Customer: “How much?”
Me: “Like I said, as much or as little as you want.”
Customer: “Can I get $10?”
Me: “Sure.”
(I ring up the gift card.)
Me: “That’ll be $10.”
(He hands me $1.35.)
Me: “This isn’t enough. I need $10.”
Customer: “I only have that.”
Me: “Then you can’t get the gift card.”
Customer: “But, you said I could do any amount!”
Related:
Not Exactly Gifted
Not The Brightest Idea
Restaurant | Iowa, USA
Customer: “Can you turn this light off?” *points to the light hanging over the table*
Me: “I’m sorry, but all the lights are connected. I can take the bulb out, but I would need to get a towel because it’s hot.”
Customer: “Okay.”
(I return under a minute later with a towel to see the light off.)
Customer: “I took care of it.”
(After clearing the table, I see she broke the bulb and put the glass pieces in her salad.)
Tech Support Is Rendered Fruitless
Tech Support | Minnesota, USA
Customer: “My computer has fruit in it!”
Me: “Like what?”
Customer: “Every time I turn my computer on, it has a fruit in it.”
Me: “You mean an apple?”
Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”
Me: “That means you have that brand of computer. Do you need anything else, ma’am?”
Customer: “Well, I don’t really like apples. Can I get a cantaloupe on it instead?”
Ignoring The Lack Of An Elephant In The Room
Wildlife Park | Wichita, KS, USA
Customer: “Someone told me you have elephant rides out there.”
Me: “No ma’am, we have camel rides and pony rides, but no elephant rides.”
Customer: “But no elephant rides?”
Me: “No ma’am, we don’t have elephants here.”
Customer: “But someone told me you had elephant rides!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but that person must have been mistaken. We do not have elephant rides.”
Customer: “Well, where can I ride an elephant, then?”
Cash Back, Government Style
Convenience Store | United Kingdom
Me: “Okay, that’s £10.00 please.”
Customer: *handing me cash* “Could I have £10 cash-back as well, please?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you need to pay on your card to get cash-back.”
Customer: “Oh, do you?”
Me: “Yes, otherwise we’d just be giving you money.”
Go Directly To School, Do Not Pass Go
Bookstore | Oxford, UK
Customer: “Hi, I need to buy Monopoly.”
Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t actually sell board games.”
Customer: “Oh? Why not?”
Me: “Well, this is a bookshop. We pretty much only sell books.”
Customer: “Can I get the book of Monopoly?”
Me: “I’m not sure we have any books about Monopoly the game, but I can have a look on our system.” *I check the system* “Yes, I’m sorry. The only books we have are about monopolies in finance.”
Customer: “Maybe that will do? Does it come with the hat and everything?”
Me: “It’s a book, not a board game so there aren’t any player pieces or anything, and we don’t actually have any books about the board game monopoly either. I think if you’re interested in Monopoly the game, you should go to [store] across the street.”
Customer: “Okay, maybe I’ll try that. While I’m here though, do you have that one with the candlestick and the library?”
Me: “Cluedo?” (Called ‘Clue’ in the USA.) “Again, I’m afraid it’s a board game so [store] across the street is your best bet.”
Customer: “How do you expect kids to like reading when you don’t sell anything they’d want to read?!”
Why Can’t We All Just Get Oolong
Coffee Shop | Rancho Cucamonga, CA, USA
Customer: “What is the difference between chai tea and Tai Chi?”
Me: *jokingly* “Well, one is a spiced black tea, and the other is a can of whoop-ass.”
Customer: “I think I’ll have the black tea.”
Noah’s Nondescript Ark
Zoo | San Diego, CA, USA
Customer: “So, uh, on this tour, will I, uh, feed the…uh…tall things, and uh, the not as tall…things?”
Me: “You mean the giraffes…and rhinos?”
Customer: “Yes, that’s it! It’s like you’re reading my mind!”
(Not One Of) History’s Mysteries
Bookstore | Chicago, IL, USA
(I am helping a little boy find a children’s book on Native American history for a book report.)
Me: “I think this one will come in handy. It’s all about the different Native American tribes and traditions. It even includes a large map showing where the Native American tribes lived.”
Little Boy: “Thank you!”
(He walks away with his book and an adult customer approaches me.)
Customer: “Why did you do that?”
Me: “Do what?”
Customer: “Tell him those are real.”
Me: “Native Americans?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “Because they are real.”
Customer: “No! They only exist in movies with cowboys!”
Me: “I can assure you that Native Americans exist.”
Customer: *mocking* “I suppose you believe cowboys really existed, too?”
Flipping Through The Atlas
Video Game Store | San Jose, CA, USA
(I am Filipino, but people often mistake me for Chinese due to my pale skin. Another Filipino co-worker comes in while I am working with a customer. We exchange greetings in Tagalog, a Filipino language with some Spanish influences.)
Customer: “Say that again. That thing you said to that other guy.”
Me: “Kumusta?”
Customer: “‘Cómo está’. That’s Spanish! What does a Chinese dude need to know Spanish for?”
Me: “Actually, I-”
Customer: “Say something else in Spanish!”
Me: “Sir, I don’t speak Spanish very well.”
Customer: “Come on! Say something!”
Me: “Vamanos?”
Customer: “Wow! Hey, do you speak Chinese?”
Me: “Sorry, no.”
Customer: “Come on now! You must know some Chinese!”
Me: “Uh… I don’t know… ‘Ni hao’?”
Customer: “Now say something in Japanese!”
Me: “Sir?”
Customer: “Japanese!”
Me: “Arigato?”
Customer: “Now do Russian!”
Me: “Vodka?”
It Will Be All Right Angled On The Night
Framing Store | Montreal, QC, Canada
(I had dealt with this customer three hours before this phone call to make an 16×20 frame. I’ve given them a copy of the bill so they can see all the information.)
Customer: “I think the girl who did my order made a mistake! I think she wrote the sizes in backwards.”
Me: “Backwards? Did she write 61×02?”
Customer: “No. Were it says ‘width’ she wrote 20, but the width is 16!
Me: “Did she write 16 as the height ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes! But that means the frame will be longer than wide.”
Me: “The frame looks the same on all sides ma’am. 20×16 and 16×20 are the same size. All they’ll have to do is turn it 90 degrees.”
Customer: “They’re smart enough to do that?”
No Sting In This Tale
Fish Store | Silver Spring, MD, USA
(Note: we sell fake jelly fish as tank decorations.)
Me: “May I help you?”
Customer: “I want some jelly fish, but I need you to answer some questions first.”
Me: “Of course. Go for it.”
Customer: “How do I keep them alive in this plastic packaging?”
Me: “They aren’t alive.”
Customer: “So why are you trying to sell them?!”
Me: “They’re decorations. They’re made of plastic.”
Customer: “How am I supposed to know this?”
Me: “They are plastic, have a string attached to them, have a sign that says ‘plastic jelly fish’, and they say ‘made in china’ on them.”
Customer: *pause* “I’ll just take one of those castle decorations…”
You Gotta Be Flushing Kidding Me
Retail | Chicago, IL, USA
Customer: “Do you all have a public bathroom?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry. It’s out of order.”
Customer: “What! What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “Well, someone clogged to toilet with paper towels and it doesn’t flush.”
Customer: “Well, can I use it and not flush?”
Grandma Vs The Internet
Tech Support | Kansas City, MO, USA
(A customer brings in her desktop for repair.)
Customer: “Excuse me sir, can you help me? I’ve done something terrible.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”
Customer: “Well, I was on the computer, and all of these naughty images started to pop up. Well, I didn’t want my grandkids thinking their grandma was into something nasty, so I started to delete things and well…I’ve deleted the internet!”
Me: “It will be alright, ma’am. I think we can save the internet.”