DH Countdown/Made of Fail 5
02. Your favourite book
Prisoner of Azkaban. I just liked the idea that Harry wasn’t quite as alone as he had been. Sure, Sirius isn’t exactly a sparkling example of parenthood, but I thought it was good for Harry to have someone that he could ask all those awkward questions and such. Which makes me wonder where he got his first porn mag…
Meet The Frankensteins
Grocery Store | New Jersey, USA
Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”
Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”
Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”
Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”
Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”
I Hear Sea Shells On The Sea Shore
Retail | USA
(I work at a small shop that sells sea shells and other beach items. A customer comes in and holds a piece of merchandise to her ear.)
Customer: “I think I can hear the ocean. I thought they were lying!”
Me: “Um, ma’am…”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “You’re holding a cup with a seashell painted on it to your ear.”
Watashi Whaaa
Music Shop | United Kingdom
(I really like Japanese animation and am learning Japanese as a second language so I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.)
Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of music would you recommend? I want to know what CD I should buy.”
Me: “Oh, I don’t think I listen to the kind of music you’d be interested in.”
Customer: “That’s not very helpful. Just tell me what kind of music you like.”
Me: “Well, I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.”
Customer: “I love that song!”
Me: “It’s not just one song. There are a lot of songs in Japanese.”
Customer: “Really? How many.”
Me: “Oh, far too many to count. There are thousands!”
Customer: “Well that’s a bit silly, isn’t it, what’s the point in making songs in a language that no one can understand?”
Me: “A lot of people understand Japanese.”
Customer: “Like who?”
Me: “The people who live in Japan?”
Customer: “You mean Japan’s a real place?! Well, you learn something new every day!”
In A Tsary State
Locksmith Shop | Queens, NY, USA
(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)
Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”
Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”
Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”
Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”
Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”
His Witnesses Will Need A Protection Program
Bookstore | Indiana, USA
(For legal reasons, our store cannot offer any discounts on books by a certain publisher.)
Customer: “I’d like to use this coupon on my order, please.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your order is nothing but books by [publishers], and we can’t accept the coupon on them.”
Customer: “Excuse me?”
Me: “See, it says right here in the fine print, ‘Not valid on any [publisher's] products’.”
Customer: “Well I know that! But you need to give me the discount anyway!”
Me: “It’s against store policy. I can’t give you a discount on these books.”
Customer: “Look, I’m using these books to witness to people who don’t know the Lord. You should give me a discount because I’m giving them to people who need them!”
Me: “There is nothing I can do about that. I don’t set the prices or the policies.”
Customer: “If [bookstore] really does claim to be a Christian business, then they should give discounts to people who buy stuff to witness to other people! You’re making me waste the Lord’s money!”
His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated
Grocery Store | Peterborough, ON, Canada
(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)
Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”
Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”
(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)
Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”
Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”
Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”
Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”
Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”
(He runs out of the store.)
(Ursa) Major Pain In The A**
Car Service | Moscow, Russia
(A customer calls and asks that he and his friend need to be picked up. He sounds intoxicated.)
Me: “Where should the driver pick you up?”
Caller: “Do you know Ursa Major?”
Me: “Ursa Major? Is it a name of a local business? A restaurant or a hotel?”
Caller: “What is this world coming to? It is a constellation! In the sky! We are standing right under it!”
Discount Discounted
Pharmacy | Sherman Oaks, CA, USA
Me: “And do you have a free rewards card with us, ma’am?”
Customer: “A what? I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.”
Me: “If you think you have one, I can look it up by your phone number?
Customer: “My what?”
Me: *louder* “Your phone number, ma’am.”
Customer: “I don’t have one of those! I don’t think I have one! I don’t have a phone number! I don’t have one!”
Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s fine. Your total today is $26.74, and just to let you know, you could have saved $5.90 if you had the rewards card.”
Customer: “A discount? My phone number is ***-****.”
Count-er Productive
Restaurant | Hershey, PA, USA
(I work as a hostess at a restaurant in a busy tourist area. As a result, we are frequently on a wait.)
Me: “Hi! How many today?”
Customer: “Six please.”
(Note, our biggest tables are meant for six.)
Me: “Great! And how many children’s menus for you?”
Customer: “I have a four year old, so only one.”
Me: “Okay! Take a seat and I’ll call you when your table’s ready.”
(Since we were especially busy, the party waited for about twenty minutes. When a table is finally available, I call them up. The six walk up, carrying two toddlers and pushing a baby carrier with an infant inside.)
Me: “Ma’am, I thought you said there were six?”
Customer: “There are only six that are going to eat! Wait, you mean my kids count?”
Me: “There is not room for nine at that table. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait longer.”
Customer: *storming out* “I’m going to a place that doesn’t count my kids!”
2 Guys, A Lie And A Burger Place
Fast Food | Sebastian, FL, USA
(The customer points out an ad on our window asking customers to inquire on how to get a free burger.)
Customer: “How do you get the free burger?”
Me: “You call the number on the back of your receipt and after a short survey they give you a confirmation code.”
Customer: “Yeah, my code is 6610. Now give me my free burger.”
Me:“Sir, if you’re going to make up a fake code make sure you know how long the codes are.”
Will Power On Aisle 2
Pharmacy | Canada
Teenage girl: “Do you guys sell that contraceptive abstinence?”
Me: “Abstinence?”
Teenage girl: “Yeah! Abstinence! I read that it’s the only 100% way to not get pregnant!”
Me: “That’s right. But, abstinence is to not have sex. Like abstain from.”
Teenage girl: “Well, that just sucks!”
I Now Pronounce You Employed
Ice Cream Shop | Michigan, USA
Me: “Hello sir, what can I get for you?”
Customer: “Hi, are you hiring?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a family-run business. Is there something you wanted to eat?”
Customer: “No. I wanted a job.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot hire you. If you don’t want anything to eat, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We are very busy today.”
(The customer leaves, frustrated. Not 10 minutes later, he returns.)
Me: “Hello again, do you want something to eat now?”
(The customer gets down on one knee.)
Customer: “Will you marry me?”
Me: “Sir, please stand up.”
(Whole shop applauds.)
Customer: “Please? It’s my only hope of getting a job!”
Not Quite Up Their Alley
Bowling Alley | Pennsylvania, USA
Customer: “We would like to bowl on the lane next to our friends. They are on lane five.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. You are on lane 6.”
Customer: “Where’s that?”
Pray She Doesn’t Use Hemorrhoid Cream
Retail | Orland Park, IL, USA
Customer: “You changed the formulation of [day cream]. You should really tell customers when you do that!”
Me: “I’m sorry, we were not made aware of that change. How did you find out?”
Customer: “Well it tastes different.”
Me: “Tastes different? You tasted the product?”
Customer: “Of course! I taste everything I put on my body!”
Fishing For Intelligence
Marina | Ontario, Canada
(At this time we are having a “fishing derby” where kids can bring fish in and we will measure them. The three biggest fish that have been caught have their measurements on a board.)
Customer: “Are these fish measured in feet?”
Me: “No, they are measured in inches.”
Customer: “Are you sure?”
Me: “I’m positive considering the biggest according to the board would have to be 17 feet, and the only fish I can think of that can grow to be 17 feet long is a shark.”
Customer: “You have sharks in this lake?!”
Constant New Viruses Are Such A Strain
Computer Repair | Maryland, USA
Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”
Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”
Customer: “So they don’t really work?”
Me: “No, not really sir.”
Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”
Prisoner of Azkaban. I just liked the idea that Harry wasn’t quite as alone as he had been. Sure, Sirius isn’t exactly a sparkling example of parenthood, but I thought it was good for Harry to have someone that he could ask all those awkward questions and such. Which makes me wonder where he got his first porn mag…
Meet The Frankensteins
Grocery Store | New Jersey, USA
Customer: “Didn’t you have glasses on last time you checked me out?”
Me: “No, I don’t wear glasses.”
Customer: “Are you sure? Maybe you just wear them occasionally?”
Me: “No, I don’t need glasses. I’m one of the only people in my family who doesn’t.”
Customer: “But I know there was something different about you last time. I know I’ve seen your face before just on a different body.”
I Hear Sea Shells On The Sea Shore
Retail | USA
(I work at a small shop that sells sea shells and other beach items. A customer comes in and holds a piece of merchandise to her ear.)
Customer: “I think I can hear the ocean. I thought they were lying!”
Me: “Um, ma’am…”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “You’re holding a cup with a seashell painted on it to your ear.”
Watashi Whaaa
Music Shop | United Kingdom
(I really like Japanese animation and am learning Japanese as a second language so I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.)
Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of music would you recommend? I want to know what CD I should buy.”
Me: “Oh, I don’t think I listen to the kind of music you’d be interested in.”
Customer: “That’s not very helpful. Just tell me what kind of music you like.”
Me: “Well, I listen to a lot of Japanese songs.”
Customer: “I love that song!”
Me: “It’s not just one song. There are a lot of songs in Japanese.”
Customer: “Really? How many.”
Me: “Oh, far too many to count. There are thousands!”
Customer: “Well that’s a bit silly, isn’t it, what’s the point in making songs in a language that no one can understand?”
Me: “A lot of people understand Japanese.”
Customer: “Like who?”
Me: “The people who live in Japan?”
Customer: “You mean Japan’s a real place?! Well, you learn something new every day!”
In A Tsary State
Locksmith Shop | Queens, NY, USA
(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)
Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”
Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”
Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”
Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”
Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”
His Witnesses Will Need A Protection Program
Bookstore | Indiana, USA
(For legal reasons, our store cannot offer any discounts on books by a certain publisher.)
Customer: “I’d like to use this coupon on my order, please.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your order is nothing but books by [publishers], and we can’t accept the coupon on them.”
Customer: “Excuse me?”
Me: “See, it says right here in the fine print, ‘Not valid on any [publisher's] products’.”
Customer: “Well I know that! But you need to give me the discount anyway!”
Me: “It’s against store policy. I can’t give you a discount on these books.”
Customer: “Look, I’m using these books to witness to people who don’t know the Lord. You should give me a discount because I’m giving them to people who need them!”
Me: “There is nothing I can do about that. I don’t set the prices or the policies.”
Customer: “If [bookstore] really does claim to be a Christian business, then they should give discounts to people who buy stuff to witness to other people! You’re making me waste the Lord’s money!”
His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated
Grocery Store | Peterborough, ON, Canada
(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)
Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”
Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”
(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)
Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”
Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”
Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”
Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”
Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”
(He runs out of the store.)
(Ursa) Major Pain In The A**
Car Service | Moscow, Russia
(A customer calls and asks that he and his friend need to be picked up. He sounds intoxicated.)
Me: “Where should the driver pick you up?”
Caller: “Do you know Ursa Major?”
Me: “Ursa Major? Is it a name of a local business? A restaurant or a hotel?”
Caller: “What is this world coming to? It is a constellation! In the sky! We are standing right under it!”
Discount Discounted
Pharmacy | Sherman Oaks, CA, USA
Me: “And do you have a free rewards card with us, ma’am?”
Customer: “A what? I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.”
Me: “If you think you have one, I can look it up by your phone number?
Customer: “My what?”
Me: *louder* “Your phone number, ma’am.”
Customer: “I don’t have one of those! I don’t think I have one! I don’t have a phone number! I don’t have one!”
Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s fine. Your total today is $26.74, and just to let you know, you could have saved $5.90 if you had the rewards card.”
Customer: “A discount? My phone number is ***-****.”
Count-er Productive
Restaurant | Hershey, PA, USA
(I work as a hostess at a restaurant in a busy tourist area. As a result, we are frequently on a wait.)
Me: “Hi! How many today?”
Customer: “Six please.”
(Note, our biggest tables are meant for six.)
Me: “Great! And how many children’s menus for you?”
Customer: “I have a four year old, so only one.”
Me: “Okay! Take a seat and I’ll call you when your table’s ready.”
(Since we were especially busy, the party waited for about twenty minutes. When a table is finally available, I call them up. The six walk up, carrying two toddlers and pushing a baby carrier with an infant inside.)
Me: “Ma’am, I thought you said there were six?”
Customer: “There are only six that are going to eat! Wait, you mean my kids count?”
Me: “There is not room for nine at that table. I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait longer.”
Customer: *storming out* “I’m going to a place that doesn’t count my kids!”
2 Guys, A Lie And A Burger Place
Fast Food | Sebastian, FL, USA
(The customer points out an ad on our window asking customers to inquire on how to get a free burger.)
Customer: “How do you get the free burger?”
Me: “You call the number on the back of your receipt and after a short survey they give you a confirmation code.”
Customer: “Yeah, my code is 6610. Now give me my free burger.”
Me:“Sir, if you’re going to make up a fake code make sure you know how long the codes are.”
Will Power On Aisle 2
Pharmacy | Canada
Teenage girl: “Do you guys sell that contraceptive abstinence?”
Me: “Abstinence?”
Teenage girl: “Yeah! Abstinence! I read that it’s the only 100% way to not get pregnant!”
Me: “That’s right. But, abstinence is to not have sex. Like abstain from.”
Teenage girl: “Well, that just sucks!”
I Now Pronounce You Employed
Ice Cream Shop | Michigan, USA
Me: “Hello sir, what can I get for you?”
Customer: “Hi, are you hiring?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a family-run business. Is there something you wanted to eat?”
Customer: “No. I wanted a job.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we cannot hire you. If you don’t want anything to eat, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We are very busy today.”
(The customer leaves, frustrated. Not 10 minutes later, he returns.)
Me: “Hello again, do you want something to eat now?”
(The customer gets down on one knee.)
Customer: “Will you marry me?”
Me: “Sir, please stand up.”
(Whole shop applauds.)
Customer: “Please? It’s my only hope of getting a job!”
Not Quite Up Their Alley
Bowling Alley | Pennsylvania, USA
Customer: “We would like to bowl on the lane next to our friends. They are on lane five.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. You are on lane 6.”
Customer: “Where’s that?”
Pray She Doesn’t Use Hemorrhoid Cream
Retail | Orland Park, IL, USA
Customer: “You changed the formulation of [day cream]. You should really tell customers when you do that!”
Me: “I’m sorry, we were not made aware of that change. How did you find out?”
Customer: “Well it tastes different.”
Me: “Tastes different? You tasted the product?”
Customer: “Of course! I taste everything I put on my body!”
Fishing For Intelligence
Marina | Ontario, Canada
(At this time we are having a “fishing derby” where kids can bring fish in and we will measure them. The three biggest fish that have been caught have their measurements on a board.)
Customer: “Are these fish measured in feet?”
Me: “No, they are measured in inches.”
Customer: “Are you sure?”
Me: “I’m positive considering the biggest according to the board would have to be 17 feet, and the only fish I can think of that can grow to be 17 feet long is a shark.”
Customer: “You have sharks in this lake?!”
Constant New Viruses Are Such A Strain
Computer Repair | Maryland, USA
Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”
Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”
Customer: “So they don’t really work?”
Me: “No, not really sir.”
Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”