"It's not a side effect of the cocaine. I'm thinkin it must be love."

[avrilpez]

God I miss her so fucking much. Ugh. I went up there on Sunday and that was cool. It still sucks that I only get to see her like 5 hrs a week instead of every moment of every day and every night. :( She had a huge problem with one of the girls up there flippin out on her bout havin a gf. I wanted to kill her when I saw the chic. GRRR! She kept givin me these looks... and she's Caity's roomate too! Ha. Caity moved a couple days later into a room with Jess and Nicole. Jess and Nicole are together but damn Nicole is hot and knowing she was sharin a room with 2 girls that are into girls... I dunno how I feel about that. I wanna trust her so much cuz I love her more than anything in this world, but I still can't get the image of her and Nathan outta my head. It'll go away eventually though. Her tooth was killin her so she wanted me to go up and get her and bring her to Stratford for a dentist appointment. I was all excited and then her dad called me and said that they wanted a parent to come get her. Ugh. I went down to Stratford to meet up with em and take the ride with em to take her back to Norwich. I felt like shit sittin in the backseat w/ her cuz she stayed on the other side of the car. Half of me thought it was cuz she was mad at me cuz I've been hangin out with Dan but the other half of me knows how she gets when her teeth hurt. She started cryin and I felt bad cuz I just wanted to hold her but I knew I couldn't. She hugged me and gave me a kiss goodbye in the house and whatnot... I don't think that caused too much shit though. Her dad and I had a HUGE hr and a half convo about me and her on the way home. Apparently her parents knew about us since the second day we started hanging out. Ha! And according to her father, I'm on his best friends list. I guess he really likes me so that's AWESOME. I really like her parents. Even though I'm still intimidated by them simply because they're her parents, they're cool people. I went to Six Flags with Danielle yesterday. It was really fun. That was the first time her and I have hung out since I was like 11. I've been talkin to Faith alot. Things are still cool. Caity's jealous that Faith can talk to me whenever and she can't. She'll get over it. I really wish there was some way I could assure her of the fact that there's nothing to worry about as far as Faith and I go. I have no feelings whatsoever like that towards her. I mean... I still love her and I always will... but I've come to the realization that perhaps I was never truly IN love with her. I think that when it comes down to it, Caity's my first true love. I love her and she loves me. That wasn't the case with Faith and I think that in order to be IN love with someone, there has to be mutual love. So Faith invited me to go to the club with her and her sis. Apparently her fam is okay with me now?! IT'S LIKE WTF MATE!!! LOL (Inside joke) I told her I'd have to ask Caity. All I said to Caity was "So... Faith called me and..." Caity: NO! Absolutely not! Ha! She didn't even let me ask! I put up a lil fight cuz I'm a stubborn Pole and it's what I do, but it was totally understandable so there was no point in pushing the issue. Faith and Kevin are pretty rocky. She's finally beginning to see what a fucking ASSHOLE he is. All I keep sayin to her is "I told ya so!" I've been tellin her this for a year and she thinks that it's only been cuz I wanted her back. No smart guy... it was cuz I love u and I didn't wanna see u get hurt again! Ugh. Oh well. Yeah this is just a long stream of consciousness cuz I don't wanna sit around and think. Caity broke her promise... meaning I COULD break mine. Not saying I'm going to or that I should just because she broke hers, but it made me really sad and worried about her when she told me. Some job they're doin up there makin sure she doesn't cut! GRRR! Yeah... sitting around and thinking is bad. Especially when I'm in her room. I was there tonite and I hated it. She wanted me to just sleep there and do all the stuff she needed to do but I told her I wanted to get outta there ASAP. I HATE HATE HATE being in her room without her. Whenever I'm there I just wanna crawl up on our couch and cry for hours... basically what I did the first day she left. Yeah maybe I'll go to sleep now. I have Dan's bday party to go to tomorrow. Ha it's his bday sunday. A month and a half ago Caity and I were jokin about how we were gonna have sex on his bday like in the song "Scotty Doesn't Know"... "I did her on his birthday." Well, guess what I'll be doin on his birthday!!! LOL

Happy 20th Birthday Dan!!!

Angel- I love you!!! Lemme know if you need ANYTHING baby!