(no subject)
Note: very long. contains a lot of bitching and moaning and general aviy-is-having-a-bad-week-ness. sry.
So. I think. I'm stressing out.
It's funny that I can't even tell for sure, it just happens that rarely. I've been more or less quietly freaking out all day and most of yesterday and I only just realized maybe I'm stressed.
Sometimes, I wish my life sucked more so I at least felt justified to bitch about it. But it never does, even when I'm apparently wound too tight by Life it's not like anything BAD is going on.
But. Little things have been bothering me. I'm having self confidence issues, I'm worrying about conflicts with work, I'm worrying about trying to do too much when all I'm DOING is fun stuff. I'm used to balancing my various hobbies without issue and now... I'm still doing it I'm just worrying about it and isn't that stupid? I do them for fun in the first place.
But it's been a busy month. I just realized today is the twenty-nineth. Since the start of the month I have: Gotten in two new characters at CFUD, left the country and gone on a ten day mission, turned twenty-one, started classes, and had Issues with one of my co-workers.
Withholding the last, none of these are bad things. Haiti was interesting, I'm glad I went. It didn't kill me and I learned some neat stuff. I love BOTH of my characters, I've posted with Ticky three times since I got him and Luke once and I want to post with him again and I posted with Vash recently and with Ed right before I left. Dante and Riku still aren't getting out enough but I have two brand new characters and I feel justified in showing some favoritism. I'm not as active as some people but I'm not a slouch either and no one is getting on my case for the character I AM neglecting. All in all I think I'm a pretty okay player so I don't have any reason to worry about that either.
Turning twenty-one is cool. This DOES introduce the new stress of WANTING TO GET AT LEAST TIPSY and never being able to drink without being in the presense of my mom because I have no social life. I got my third drink since my birthday the other day and she told me "I'm worried about your need to get something to drink every time we go out." IT WAS MY THIRD DRINK. I JUST TURNED TWENTY-ONE. I'M THE ONLY PERSON EVER TO OBSERVE THE DRINKING LAWS. ONE OF THEM WAS A MUDDSLIDE and NONE of them were enough to make me even mildly tipsy. Infact, the drink I had in my birthday just gave me a headache. And I can't explain to her that I just WANT TO BE DRUNK to know what it's like because I've realized that after 21 years of my mom worrying about me becoming an alcoholic, even if I drink casually for the next decade she'll STILL never believe that I won't end up one. She'll just figure it's IN WAITING. So on one hand. Alcohol tastes nice, I have a wide array of interesting drinks ahead of me and I want to figure out what I like. On the other hand. THE VERY ACT OF ORDERING stresses me out. But NOT ordering stresses me out too because THEN SHE'S WINNING.
Sah.
And starting classes is cool too. I mean. I'm happy. I wrote two shortfic while out of class. Barely 5k words between them, but far more than I would normally do on my own. I have a few skittering ideas for more but I wanna finish the game again before I start on that. But... writing fanfic now and then isn't the same as having the constant pressure to do original work and I miss that. I look forward to having assignments again. I want people to read my work and like it again (and okay, crit me, but mostly like it).
The one thing that isn't in anyway cool is the goddamn mac guy at work, Brent.
First on all. ON APPLE. I actually like Apple. I hate my ipod, which isn't DEAD so much as too much of a russian roulette to bother with at this point. But I like apple anyway. I want an iPhone, I want a pretty pretty apple moniter. I think their commercials are hilarious. I also think their OS can burn in hell along with every eMac ever but that's less a personal vandetta and more a matter of work experience which has never boded well for me.
However. I work with a bunch of geeks and we have exactly one mac guy. There is, understandably, a war going on and Brent is vastly outnumbered.
I AM NOT INVOLVED IN THE WAR. I SIT QUITELY AT MY DESK, OCCASIONALLY LAUGH, AND DO MY SHIT. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AN ASS TO ME.
Not that Brent's being an ass to me because he's a mac guy and I'm a pc girl. It's because I'm the New Kid and also a Pushover. And probably a Student Employee and maybe even a Girl. I don't know what it is, but Brent has, since day one, felt it was his place to deligate his errand shit to me.
At first, I thought it really was my place. I didn't get a job description when I joined the team and it took me a good month to figure out exactly what it is I was supposed to do. It turns out I do just what everyone ELSE does, I just get less hours and make less money and have somewhat less responsibility. It's a sweet gig.
But here's the thing. I really do just. Do my thing. I might be a student employee but that doesn't make me less than everyone else. Or at least, I never got that impression. I take my own projects. They aren't big, huge, important anything. I don't manage any servers and I don't build the new image every semester. But right now I'm setting up fourteen new laptops for check out use. And at all times I watch the queue. As work orders come in. I take them out OF MY OWN VOLITION and do them. No one delegates to me. Even my boss is exceedingly polite when he asks me to do stuff, no matter how much I assure him that I'm free and can handle it.
And I. Like everyone else do my own work unless there is a specific reason I need help I.E. it's a two person job or I don't understand and need help figuring it out. I don't. Say. Go upgrade a computer and then give someone else the old computer and tell them to do something with it. I wipe it. I move it out of our inventory database. And I put it back in the auction bin. We all do this stuff. The basic understanding is that whatever the job is, you do all the work for it. Some people take more jobs than others, but we all see our own goddamn work through.
Except. Brent.
I haven't bitched about it much previously because it's really not a super common thing. But it's getting more and more frequent and subsequently driving me more and more nuts.
Sometimes it's insulting, stupid things. The first one ever was when he wanted me to drive over to the main campus and get a paper signed and copied for someone. There is no reason he can't do this himself. He has access to the vehicles. He can drive. He can walk. He can carry a fucking sheet of paper. ANd he can take over an hour out of his day every single day to talk on the phone so however busy is he is, he always seems to have at least some free time.
And lately it's been more of that. But... at least when it started he asked me. Lately he's taken to just writing up work orders and dropping them in my queue with nothing more than (maybe) a 'thanx' attached to the bottom. Just last week, when Track-It (our workorder program) was down, he sent me two e-mails. ONE OF WHICH was telling me to take a printer and eMac (HATE EMACS, HATE) from his desk to a classroom in building four. This HAD TO BE THERE by nine am tomorrow. I get in at nine am so even if I did it first thing in the morning it would be late. He sent this to me an hour before I leave. I AM DOING MY OWN WORK. He doesn't even tell me he'd sent me the e-mail, I could have easily missed it completely. And when I turn around and say "Brent, I'm not going to be here before nine am tomorrow" he says "well, you can do it today, can't you?".
The really ironic part? As I'm getting up to go do this at 4:40? He's getting up to go home.
And that stuff pisses me off. Because it's not time consuming. There is nothing fucking stopping him from taking five minutes to go pick up and take back laptops to the people he's doing work orders for. But somehow I get made to do it. Do I have the time to do it? Yes, yes I do. I'm not going to say that my days are constantly busy and how he dare he cut into my precious work time. But he has the time too. Infact, except for on rare occasions, we all do. Yeah, it's a pretty cushy job. But... fuck. It feels like I'm being treated as a secretary or a personal assistant. And if that was my job, to do nothing but help the guys who have the 'real jobs' I would be okay with that. But that's not how it works. We do our own work. Except for Brent who makes me do the work that's beneath him.
Back in December he sent me a workorder to wipe a bunch of macs. First of all. I hate wiping mac. I have yet to see a mac that actually boots to disk. Wiping a mac is a skill designed to test your patience and creativity. It sucks. THEN he wants me to get the serial numbers and e-mail them to him. THEN he wants me to move them to the auction bin.
This is the same Brent, who, with a STRAIGHT FACE. Said "Gee guys, I really wish I could help you out, but I have to finish this." When we got fourty computers and moniters that needed to be transfered to the auction bin. Brent is not a Team Player. And Brent is not a Moving Person.
So I put off the work order as long as I could. And while I did the wiping part and the serial number part, I forgot to put them in the auction bins and since I'd closed the work order I forgot about it. On my first day back (monday, last week) Brent asks me to finish it and I don't know what he's talking about. O, he wants me to put the FUCKING EMACS (THEY DON'T STACK, FYI. WORST COMPUTER DESIGN EVER. EVEN REGULAR MONITERS FUCKING STACK) into the auction bin. and WHILE I'M AT IT can you wipe these two new ones and get me the serial numbers plz?
Well. Fuck that. I was actually going to do it too. I put the emacs in the auction bin but since I HATE WIPING MACS didn't get to that part right away and went to do other work. At the end of the day I have a email from Brent (along with the "take this stuff over this guy's office in the next hour so I can go home early") one saying that I 'forgot' to move these in the auction bin and also get me that serial number.
NOTE THE LACK OF PLURAL. The man felt compelled to e-mail me to tell me to go write down a SINGLE UNIT'S SERIAL NUMBER and then e-mail it to him. Rather than do it himself. I point out that the unit in question is in the next room.
And I just.
It's stupid. Okay? I get it. It's... it's an irregular thing. He doesn't do this to me every single day. Not even every single week. Most people have much worse jobs. I LIKE MY JOB. The pay is crap and the hours are crap but I'm happy and that's always been my priority. The people there aren't mean, I get along with them, I'm comfortable, I get to do work I enjoy, I have lots of free time. It's a good job and something little like this? I'm lucky it's all I have to deal with.
But. It pisses me off. A lot. And it's becoming more and more frequent. MOST Of these issues have been within the last two months and keep in mind I was gone for two weeks in there. And since I haven't done his most recent workorder, I imagine it will start up again tomorrow.
But. I'm spineless, okay? People don't get this about me because I have such a strong personality online. But that's easy. IRL I can't do confrontation. The few times I have I've regretted it because even if I can stand up for myself for a minute I feel like shit about it in the next. I almost never really put my foot down unless it's with someone I know well. Otherwise? I deal with it. Smile, move on. Life's too short to bitch about this shit anyway. And I've worked there for a year now and Brent's always been this way but I'm just. ... Getting to this point of breaking.
It's Ryan's fault, really. I ... I did the stuff Brent made me before because I figured it WAS my job. I'm just a student employee. Brent IS our only mac guy and maybe he has as much work as he acts like he does. I don't know. (But I kind of doubt it, because if you look at the math we are each responsible for roughly 160 computers each, and I KNOW we don't have 160 macs on campus, I'd be surprised if we had fifty). Anyway, I figured I was just doing my job and I was unfortunate enough to be liked by Brent so he always asked me instead of anyone else.
Until recently Ryan made a comment... I don't remember what it was, but there was some general Brent bitching going on and it was basically "And then Brent would go... no then Brent would tell Krisanne to go do it."
This made me realize... everyone else noticed that I was being used as Brent's personal gofer and apparently wasn't expected to be.
Then, most recently... Brent pissed off everyone in the office by A) forgetting what day it was so he didn't go take over help desk and then B) instead of apologizing for this mistake asking Walter to do it for him since he's too busy. Scott and Cole decided to prank him and somehow conversation got to the point where I felt compelled to day "Oh yeah, because Brent needs one more reason to hate me." And Ryan answers with what I knew what coming "What are you talking about? He loves you. Because you do everything he tells you too." "....oh yeah, I'm his favorite, aren't I?" "Yep, because you're the only one who will say 'yes' 'okay!' 'sure~'"
Fair enough, it's what I do. I kind of have reached the point where I GROWL and say "fine" but I do it. But it makes me wonder. ...why am I saying okay? I'm not the only student employee and I never see Haji getting delegated this shit. And Ryan, who I probably respect the most in the office, clearly thinks I'm letting myself be a doormat by allowing it. Everyone hates Brent so I doubt I'd get anything less than a fanfare if I told him off. Except maybe from my boss, but Ike's a good guy. I think I might just be afraid he'll tell me "well, Brent's a serior employee and he has a lot of work and if he needs you to help with that, you should" and then the ground will be pulled right out from under me and all my righteous indignation will be worthless.
But... just the same, now that the idea has been introduced to me that I don't have to take this shit... I don't want to. At the same time, I don't want confrontation. Brent's actually a jackass. He seems mild mannered enough, but I've seen him go off on people and be a real asshole for very little reason, and I'm... not someone who can handle that. If I tell him to do his own damn work and he gets on my case, I will stress out and cry and wish I'd just gotten him the fucking serial number.
I was sitting in my bed, an hour or so ago, stressing out. I don't do so often so I didn't recongize it at first, but when I thought about it I realized it's been a busy month for me. A lot of little things have gotten to me and I'm tired and I just want everything to work out and I want to be happy. I really suck at dealing with stress, which I guess is why I'm so good at avoiding it completely.
Given that Brent is what I spent the most time bitching about, I guess that's really the heart of the issue. I go to work tomorrow morning and I expect to deal with more of it and I don't know what I want to do. Do it and get him off my case? Or not do it and tell him to get off my case? I realize talking to my boss should be an option, but I... don't feel like it is. Because like I said, I'm afraid he'll say that yes, I should do whatever Brent wants me to do and then... I'll feel stupid and silly and belittled and overall crappy. But then if he says no, Brent should do his own work, I'll feel justified and like I can stand up for myself.
...maybe that's the conclusion I needed to talk myself to? Go talk to Ike tomorrow. He's really a good guy, I'm not scared of him or anything. I just lack self confidence, and while I enjoy my job and I'm glad that for once in my life the ribbing I'm getting is friendly, there's still the fact that I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I'm an idiot and being thought of as stupid for the first time in my life takes a slow but constant toll on my psyche.
But. I think that is what I needed to tell myself. Got to talk to the boss man. I'm not capable of just handling it on my own. I WANT to be, but I know that no matter what I do it'll stress and worry me. People stress and worry me, it doesn't matter that I loath Brent and don't give a shit what he thinks about me, it doesn't change that I don't want to have to work around a person with an inclination and ability to make my life a pain.
Well. At least now I know how I'll handle it. I don't know if it's the right solution. I guess I'm just a wuss. The guy's in the office wouldn't feel like they had to ask their boss. But I'm not them, but I still want to be unstressed in my work environment...
Maybe now I can sleep.
So. I think. I'm stressing out.
It's funny that I can't even tell for sure, it just happens that rarely. I've been more or less quietly freaking out all day and most of yesterday and I only just realized maybe I'm stressed.
Sometimes, I wish my life sucked more so I at least felt justified to bitch about it. But it never does, even when I'm apparently wound too tight by Life it's not like anything BAD is going on.
But. Little things have been bothering me. I'm having self confidence issues, I'm worrying about conflicts with work, I'm worrying about trying to do too much when all I'm DOING is fun stuff. I'm used to balancing my various hobbies without issue and now... I'm still doing it I'm just worrying about it and isn't that stupid? I do them for fun in the first place.
But it's been a busy month. I just realized today is the twenty-nineth. Since the start of the month I have: Gotten in two new characters at CFUD, left the country and gone on a ten day mission, turned twenty-one, started classes, and had Issues with one of my co-workers.
Withholding the last, none of these are bad things. Haiti was interesting, I'm glad I went. It didn't kill me and I learned some neat stuff. I love BOTH of my characters, I've posted with Ticky three times since I got him and Luke once and I want to post with him again and I posted with Vash recently and with Ed right before I left. Dante and Riku still aren't getting out enough but I have two brand new characters and I feel justified in showing some favoritism. I'm not as active as some people but I'm not a slouch either and no one is getting on my case for the character I AM neglecting. All in all I think I'm a pretty okay player so I don't have any reason to worry about that either.
Turning twenty-one is cool. This DOES introduce the new stress of WANTING TO GET AT LEAST TIPSY and never being able to drink without being in the presense of my mom because I have no social life. I got my third drink since my birthday the other day and she told me "I'm worried about your need to get something to drink every time we go out." IT WAS MY THIRD DRINK. I JUST TURNED TWENTY-ONE. I'M THE ONLY PERSON EVER TO OBSERVE THE DRINKING LAWS. ONE OF THEM WAS A MUDDSLIDE and NONE of them were enough to make me even mildly tipsy. Infact, the drink I had in my birthday just gave me a headache. And I can't explain to her that I just WANT TO BE DRUNK to know what it's like because I've realized that after 21 years of my mom worrying about me becoming an alcoholic, even if I drink casually for the next decade she'll STILL never believe that I won't end up one. She'll just figure it's IN WAITING. So on one hand. Alcohol tastes nice, I have a wide array of interesting drinks ahead of me and I want to figure out what I like. On the other hand. THE VERY ACT OF ORDERING stresses me out. But NOT ordering stresses me out too because THEN SHE'S WINNING.
Sah.
And starting classes is cool too. I mean. I'm happy. I wrote two shortfic while out of class. Barely 5k words between them, but far more than I would normally do on my own. I have a few skittering ideas for more but I wanna finish the game again before I start on that. But... writing fanfic now and then isn't the same as having the constant pressure to do original work and I miss that. I look forward to having assignments again. I want people to read my work and like it again (and okay, crit me, but mostly like it).
The one thing that isn't in anyway cool is the goddamn mac guy at work, Brent.
First on all. ON APPLE. I actually like Apple. I hate my ipod, which isn't DEAD so much as too much of a russian roulette to bother with at this point. But I like apple anyway. I want an iPhone, I want a pretty pretty apple moniter. I think their commercials are hilarious. I also think their OS can burn in hell along with every eMac ever but that's less a personal vandetta and more a matter of work experience which has never boded well for me.
However. I work with a bunch of geeks and we have exactly one mac guy. There is, understandably, a war going on and Brent is vastly outnumbered.
I AM NOT INVOLVED IN THE WAR. I SIT QUITELY AT MY DESK, OCCASIONALLY LAUGH, AND DO MY SHIT. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AN ASS TO ME.
Not that Brent's being an ass to me because he's a mac guy and I'm a pc girl. It's because I'm the New Kid and also a Pushover. And probably a Student Employee and maybe even a Girl. I don't know what it is, but Brent has, since day one, felt it was his place to deligate his errand shit to me.
At first, I thought it really was my place. I didn't get a job description when I joined the team and it took me a good month to figure out exactly what it is I was supposed to do. It turns out I do just what everyone ELSE does, I just get less hours and make less money and have somewhat less responsibility. It's a sweet gig.
But here's the thing. I really do just. Do my thing. I might be a student employee but that doesn't make me less than everyone else. Or at least, I never got that impression. I take my own projects. They aren't big, huge, important anything. I don't manage any servers and I don't build the new image every semester. But right now I'm setting up fourteen new laptops for check out use. And at all times I watch the queue. As work orders come in. I take them out OF MY OWN VOLITION and do them. No one delegates to me. Even my boss is exceedingly polite when he asks me to do stuff, no matter how much I assure him that I'm free and can handle it.
And I. Like everyone else do my own work unless there is a specific reason I need help I.E. it's a two person job or I don't understand and need help figuring it out. I don't. Say. Go upgrade a computer and then give someone else the old computer and tell them to do something with it. I wipe it. I move it out of our inventory database. And I put it back in the auction bin. We all do this stuff. The basic understanding is that whatever the job is, you do all the work for it. Some people take more jobs than others, but we all see our own goddamn work through.
Except. Brent.
I haven't bitched about it much previously because it's really not a super common thing. But it's getting more and more frequent and subsequently driving me more and more nuts.
Sometimes it's insulting, stupid things. The first one ever was when he wanted me to drive over to the main campus and get a paper signed and copied for someone. There is no reason he can't do this himself. He has access to the vehicles. He can drive. He can walk. He can carry a fucking sheet of paper. ANd he can take over an hour out of his day every single day to talk on the phone so however busy is he is, he always seems to have at least some free time.
And lately it's been more of that. But... at least when it started he asked me. Lately he's taken to just writing up work orders and dropping them in my queue with nothing more than (maybe) a 'thanx' attached to the bottom. Just last week, when Track-It (our workorder program) was down, he sent me two e-mails. ONE OF WHICH was telling me to take a printer and eMac (HATE EMACS, HATE) from his desk to a classroom in building four. This HAD TO BE THERE by nine am tomorrow. I get in at nine am so even if I did it first thing in the morning it would be late. He sent this to me an hour before I leave. I AM DOING MY OWN WORK. He doesn't even tell me he'd sent me the e-mail, I could have easily missed it completely. And when I turn around and say "Brent, I'm not going to be here before nine am tomorrow" he says "well, you can do it today, can't you?".
The really ironic part? As I'm getting up to go do this at 4:40? He's getting up to go home.
And that stuff pisses me off. Because it's not time consuming. There is nothing fucking stopping him from taking five minutes to go pick up and take back laptops to the people he's doing work orders for. But somehow I get made to do it. Do I have the time to do it? Yes, yes I do. I'm not going to say that my days are constantly busy and how he dare he cut into my precious work time. But he has the time too. Infact, except for on rare occasions, we all do. Yeah, it's a pretty cushy job. But... fuck. It feels like I'm being treated as a secretary or a personal assistant. And if that was my job, to do nothing but help the guys who have the 'real jobs' I would be okay with that. But that's not how it works. We do our own work. Except for Brent who makes me do the work that's beneath him.
Back in December he sent me a workorder to wipe a bunch of macs. First of all. I hate wiping mac. I have yet to see a mac that actually boots to disk. Wiping a mac is a skill designed to test your patience and creativity. It sucks. THEN he wants me to get the serial numbers and e-mail them to him. THEN he wants me to move them to the auction bin.
This is the same Brent, who, with a STRAIGHT FACE. Said "Gee guys, I really wish I could help you out, but I have to finish this." When we got fourty computers and moniters that needed to be transfered to the auction bin. Brent is not a Team Player. And Brent is not a Moving Person.
So I put off the work order as long as I could. And while I did the wiping part and the serial number part, I forgot to put them in the auction bins and since I'd closed the work order I forgot about it. On my first day back (monday, last week) Brent asks me to finish it and I don't know what he's talking about. O, he wants me to put the FUCKING EMACS (THEY DON'T STACK, FYI. WORST COMPUTER DESIGN EVER. EVEN REGULAR MONITERS FUCKING STACK) into the auction bin. and WHILE I'M AT IT can you wipe these two new ones and get me the serial numbers plz?
Well. Fuck that. I was actually going to do it too. I put the emacs in the auction bin but since I HATE WIPING MACS didn't get to that part right away and went to do other work. At the end of the day I have a email from Brent (along with the "take this stuff over this guy's office in the next hour so I can go home early") one saying that I 'forgot' to move these in the auction bin and also get me that serial number.
NOTE THE LACK OF PLURAL. The man felt compelled to e-mail me to tell me to go write down a SINGLE UNIT'S SERIAL NUMBER and then e-mail it to him. Rather than do it himself. I point out that the unit in question is in the next room.
And I just.
It's stupid. Okay? I get it. It's... it's an irregular thing. He doesn't do this to me every single day. Not even every single week. Most people have much worse jobs. I LIKE MY JOB. The pay is crap and the hours are crap but I'm happy and that's always been my priority. The people there aren't mean, I get along with them, I'm comfortable, I get to do work I enjoy, I have lots of free time. It's a good job and something little like this? I'm lucky it's all I have to deal with.
But. It pisses me off. A lot. And it's becoming more and more frequent. MOST Of these issues have been within the last two months and keep in mind I was gone for two weeks in there. And since I haven't done his most recent workorder, I imagine it will start up again tomorrow.
But. I'm spineless, okay? People don't get this about me because I have such a strong personality online. But that's easy. IRL I can't do confrontation. The few times I have I've regretted it because even if I can stand up for myself for a minute I feel like shit about it in the next. I almost never really put my foot down unless it's with someone I know well. Otherwise? I deal with it. Smile, move on. Life's too short to bitch about this shit anyway. And I've worked there for a year now and Brent's always been this way but I'm just. ... Getting to this point of breaking.
It's Ryan's fault, really. I ... I did the stuff Brent made me before because I figured it WAS my job. I'm just a student employee. Brent IS our only mac guy and maybe he has as much work as he acts like he does. I don't know. (But I kind of doubt it, because if you look at the math we are each responsible for roughly 160 computers each, and I KNOW we don't have 160 macs on campus, I'd be surprised if we had fifty). Anyway, I figured I was just doing my job and I was unfortunate enough to be liked by Brent so he always asked me instead of anyone else.
Until recently Ryan made a comment... I don't remember what it was, but there was some general Brent bitching going on and it was basically "And then Brent would go... no then Brent would tell Krisanne to go do it."
This made me realize... everyone else noticed that I was being used as Brent's personal gofer and apparently wasn't expected to be.
Then, most recently... Brent pissed off everyone in the office by A) forgetting what day it was so he didn't go take over help desk and then B) instead of apologizing for this mistake asking Walter to do it for him since he's too busy. Scott and Cole decided to prank him and somehow conversation got to the point where I felt compelled to day "Oh yeah, because Brent needs one more reason to hate me." And Ryan answers with what I knew what coming "What are you talking about? He loves you. Because you do everything he tells you too." "....oh yeah, I'm his favorite, aren't I?" "Yep, because you're the only one who will say 'yes' 'okay!' 'sure~'"
Fair enough, it's what I do. I kind of have reached the point where I GROWL and say "fine" but I do it. But it makes me wonder. ...why am I saying okay? I'm not the only student employee and I never see Haji getting delegated this shit. And Ryan, who I probably respect the most in the office, clearly thinks I'm letting myself be a doormat by allowing it. Everyone hates Brent so I doubt I'd get anything less than a fanfare if I told him off. Except maybe from my boss, but Ike's a good guy. I think I might just be afraid he'll tell me "well, Brent's a serior employee and he has a lot of work and if he needs you to help with that, you should" and then the ground will be pulled right out from under me and all my righteous indignation will be worthless.
But... just the same, now that the idea has been introduced to me that I don't have to take this shit... I don't want to. At the same time, I don't want confrontation. Brent's actually a jackass. He seems mild mannered enough, but I've seen him go off on people and be a real asshole for very little reason, and I'm... not someone who can handle that. If I tell him to do his own damn work and he gets on my case, I will stress out and cry and wish I'd just gotten him the fucking serial number.
I was sitting in my bed, an hour or so ago, stressing out. I don't do so often so I didn't recongize it at first, but when I thought about it I realized it's been a busy month for me. A lot of little things have gotten to me and I'm tired and I just want everything to work out and I want to be happy. I really suck at dealing with stress, which I guess is why I'm so good at avoiding it completely.
Given that Brent is what I spent the most time bitching about, I guess that's really the heart of the issue. I go to work tomorrow morning and I expect to deal with more of it and I don't know what I want to do. Do it and get him off my case? Or not do it and tell him to get off my case? I realize talking to my boss should be an option, but I... don't feel like it is. Because like I said, I'm afraid he'll say that yes, I should do whatever Brent wants me to do and then... I'll feel stupid and silly and belittled and overall crappy. But then if he says no, Brent should do his own work, I'll feel justified and like I can stand up for myself.
...maybe that's the conclusion I needed to talk myself to? Go talk to Ike tomorrow. He's really a good guy, I'm not scared of him or anything. I just lack self confidence, and while I enjoy my job and I'm glad that for once in my life the ribbing I'm getting is friendly, there's still the fact that I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I'm an idiot and being thought of as stupid for the first time in my life takes a slow but constant toll on my psyche.
But. I think that is what I needed to tell myself. Got to talk to the boss man. I'm not capable of just handling it on my own. I WANT to be, but I know that no matter what I do it'll stress and worry me. People stress and worry me, it doesn't matter that I loath Brent and don't give a shit what he thinks about me, it doesn't change that I don't want to have to work around a person with an inclination and ability to make my life a pain.
Well. At least now I know how I'll handle it. I don't know if it's the right solution. I guess I'm just a wuss. The guy's in the office wouldn't feel like they had to ask their boss. But I'm not them, but I still want to be unstressed in my work environment...
Maybe now I can sleep.