An apology
Hi everybody. Sorry you haven't heard from me for a while. Our internet was down for a few weeks due to the computer having gone insane or something, and well, I guess I've just been busy. But I'm posting now because I need to make amends for some things. I've never been good with emotions -- knowing when I'm feeling them, or acknowledging them, or knowing what to do about them. Anger especially has always been difficult for me. I used to say, "I never get angry!" Well, that's crap. I do. It just makes me horribly uncomfortable, and I don't know how to deal with it. This journal has been one of the places it comes out. This makes sense, since I've always been better at expressing myself in writing than verbally. Which is fine... except, there were several times when I was angry with Susan, and instead of dealing with her directly, I came to my LJ and vented mercilessly.
I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me to put her/our personal issues on the internet for everyone to see. In doing so, I hurt her, and I am truly sorry. There's really no way to take it back -- I mean, I can delete the entries that speak poorly of her, which I will do, but the damage is done. I'm writing now to try to amend what I can. I want you all to know that she is not a bad person. She is kind and sweet and generous, and took care of me for a long time. I appreciated it greatly (and still do), but I never demonstrated that appreciation properly.
The things that I said on this journal were said in anger. Of course if all you ever hear about her is me venting, then you will probably come away with a very one-sided opinion. I never wrote entries after the good times, the great things she did to show her love for me. I know first impressions are hard to get over, but please understand that there is another side to her that I never wrote about, and that the side I did write about was diffracted through an emotion that I don't understand and don't handle very well. If she had written entries about me after some of our fights, I would surely have come away looking like an ass myself. Lord knows I've done some stupid shit, made plenty of mistakes of my own.
Anyway... we're broken up now, so there won't be any more opportunities for me to write about our relationship here -- the good or the bad. I think it's for the best. I just regret what pain I caused her when she found this journal and read the scathing remarks I made. If I thought she would ever read them, I wouldn't have written them -- which means that I should never have written them at all. I hope this helps, in some way. And please, guys, don't respond to this with any negativity. I wish I had painted her in a better, more deserving light for you all. That was my mistake and I'm sorry. I wish her all the best, and I hope you can do the same.
I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of me to put her/our personal issues on the internet for everyone to see. In doing so, I hurt her, and I am truly sorry. There's really no way to take it back -- I mean, I can delete the entries that speak poorly of her, which I will do, but the damage is done. I'm writing now to try to amend what I can. I want you all to know that she is not a bad person. She is kind and sweet and generous, and took care of me for a long time. I appreciated it greatly (and still do), but I never demonstrated that appreciation properly.
The things that I said on this journal were said in anger. Of course if all you ever hear about her is me venting, then you will probably come away with a very one-sided opinion. I never wrote entries after the good times, the great things she did to show her love for me. I know first impressions are hard to get over, but please understand that there is another side to her that I never wrote about, and that the side I did write about was diffracted through an emotion that I don't understand and don't handle very well. If she had written entries about me after some of our fights, I would surely have come away looking like an ass myself. Lord knows I've done some stupid shit, made plenty of mistakes of my own.
Anyway... we're broken up now, so there won't be any more opportunities for me to write about our relationship here -- the good or the bad. I think it's for the best. I just regret what pain I caused her when she found this journal and read the scathing remarks I made. If I thought she would ever read them, I wouldn't have written them -- which means that I should never have written them at all. I hope this helps, in some way. And please, guys, don't respond to this with any negativity. I wish I had painted her in a better, more deserving light for you all. That was my mistake and I'm sorry. I wish her all the best, and I hope you can do the same.