"It's been pain, sunny days and rain..."
I posted this over at the adoptee support forums at http://forums.adoption.com:
I'm tired of "getting over things" -- adoption-related and otherwise. I wonder if it's worth it to really work through all of my issues. Wouldn't it be better just to let them lie than to live in this limbo-like state where so many things are only partially resolved and continue to hang over my head like so many storm clouds waiting to collectively burst? None of my issues have been fully resolved, and in the past year and a half, newer and more complicated ones have been added on top. And each issue is screaming "DEAL WITH ME!" at equal volume until I've lost sight of what's truly important and what's completely trivial. Everything's a big deal, now. If someone looks at me the wrong way, they trigger something. And I can't help but think that I'm too young to feel all of this. I shouldn't be so preoccupied with what sucks in life, I should be exploring the world and the many new and wonderful opportunities it has to offer. But that's just it. The world is a terrifying place to me, filled with uncertainty and instability. That's not a place that I want to explore; it poses too much of a threat for further pain. I'd rather spend my life at home and waste away until I'd die. It'd be easier than feeling and taking risky emotional chances, anyway.
Or would it? I'm so ambivalent to everything these days. I hate peeling back the layers. Why do I have to dig up all that old stuff, anyway? I've lived with it for the past 20 years; can't I find a way to manage it for the next 20?
I figure it's time to start using my LJ for the tough issues I intended it for.
I'm tired of "getting over things" -- adoption-related and otherwise. I wonder if it's worth it to really work through all of my issues. Wouldn't it be better just to let them lie than to live in this limbo-like state where so many things are only partially resolved and continue to hang over my head like so many storm clouds waiting to collectively burst? None of my issues have been fully resolved, and in the past year and a half, newer and more complicated ones have been added on top. And each issue is screaming "DEAL WITH ME!" at equal volume until I've lost sight of what's truly important and what's completely trivial. Everything's a big deal, now. If someone looks at me the wrong way, they trigger something. And I can't help but think that I'm too young to feel all of this. I shouldn't be so preoccupied with what sucks in life, I should be exploring the world and the many new and wonderful opportunities it has to offer. But that's just it. The world is a terrifying place to me, filled with uncertainty and instability. That's not a place that I want to explore; it poses too much of a threat for further pain. I'd rather spend my life at home and waste away until I'd die. It'd be easier than feeling and taking risky emotional chances, anyway.
Or would it? I'm so ambivalent to everything these days. I hate peeling back the layers. Why do I have to dig up all that old stuff, anyway? I've lived with it for the past 20 years; can't I find a way to manage it for the next 20?
I figure it's time to start using my LJ for the tough issues I intended it for.