(no subject)
I can't sit still, I can't move. I do not know what I want from you. I know some things, but not all things, and some things can and will change, know that, be okay with that, and be open to the changes they will bring. I know you aren't the same. I know I can not blame myself, nor can I blame you. I know we need to sever the ties. I know I want someone like you, but not someone completely like you. I dont want anyone with the same cute traits, or the same special features, I want someone who makes me feel how you used to, who made me feel beaufiful on the inside, not just the outside. I want someone who makes me smile for hours, while hardly saying anything. I want that, and I almost had that, and you interferred. I hate you for alot of things, and thats part of me not being completely over it. But im over our love. Im over our friendship. I can not be friends with someone who treated me the way they did when they supposedly loved me, let alone liked me as a friend. I can not allow myself to be hurt anymore than I already have. Only I have had the power to stop the hurt, and I havnt. I've given in each and every time expecting that this could be real, that we were real. We werent. I need to face that now.
I have talked with Michael Ellis about this, not about you and I, but about me, and him... and we both realise we would have been perfect because ... well i dont need to explain that to you, and half my anger right now, and regret and will to completely drop off the planet, does not stem from you, or us, but from realising THAT. Because you were the one i ended up falling for. You were the one I had my first time with and felt completely worthless after. You were the one who made nothing speical, never made me feel important. And never realised how easy it really had to be. You hid me from your life outside of us, your friends, you were reluctant for me to be a part of your family, and took no interest in being a part of mine. I can rant about this forever, but what it comes down to is this. Quite simply...
I loved
I lost
I will never love again
I am full of regret and dispair
and am comfortable knowing that i will not try to repair this, I will not make any attempt to aid our injuries.
Whats done is done.
I will always love the idea of us.
I will never love another again.
I will not re-invent myself.
or make a million new friends to make up for lost time, or to make up for what I've lost, or to make myself feel better knowing that I could make a million friends.
I will befriend anyone who befriends me, I will not go any extra distance, I will not act different or nicer, or like I didnt just come out of a bad relationship, or hide my past and hope it goes away in order to be friends with anyone.
I will talk about you, and refer to you.
I will not gossip about you, or make rumors about you.
I will not deliberately make anyone dislike you.
I dont even dislike you.
I jsut dont know you.
I am over feeling the way i have been, around you. Im moving out but am in no rush.
I have a future
I have faith in that
this is done.
I have talked with Michael Ellis about this, not about you and I, but about me, and him... and we both realise we would have been perfect because ... well i dont need to explain that to you, and half my anger right now, and regret and will to completely drop off the planet, does not stem from you, or us, but from realising THAT. Because you were the one i ended up falling for. You were the one I had my first time with and felt completely worthless after. You were the one who made nothing speical, never made me feel important. And never realised how easy it really had to be. You hid me from your life outside of us, your friends, you were reluctant for me to be a part of your family, and took no interest in being a part of mine. I can rant about this forever, but what it comes down to is this. Quite simply...
I loved
I lost
I will never love again
I am full of regret and dispair
and am comfortable knowing that i will not try to repair this, I will not make any attempt to aid our injuries.
Whats done is done.
I will always love the idea of us.
I will never love another again.
I will not re-invent myself.
or make a million new friends to make up for lost time, or to make up for what I've lost, or to make myself feel better knowing that I could make a million friends.
I will befriend anyone who befriends me, I will not go any extra distance, I will not act different or nicer, or like I didnt just come out of a bad relationship, or hide my past and hope it goes away in order to be friends with anyone.
I will talk about you, and refer to you.
I will not gossip about you, or make rumors about you.
I will not deliberately make anyone dislike you.
I dont even dislike you.
I jsut dont know you.
I am over feeling the way i have been, around you. Im moving out but am in no rush.
I have a future
I have faith in that
this is done.