(no subject)
You've let me go, I've let you in. I don't know quite what to say today. Im hurt. I wanted this. Im hurt. Im scared. Im alone. Its real today, its real this time. This is forever. He talks like its not, but it is. He tries to calm my nerves but theres no nerves left in my body. I've drained them, Ive cried for hours. Im empty now. This house is. Empty of us. Of what we were, the good parts. We weren't good together. Good friends. We were good then. Good friends. But he doesnt see how that could never be us again. We liked eachother, we wanted to be with eachother, we needed to have eachother then. We dont want that now. We dont need it. And cant have it. Things have changed, people change with them. Time changes, molds us into who we become. The good and bad add up not into a greater good, or a greater bad, but into a person. It makes us into made. You've been there and youve been gone, and ive been the same. Things didnt work.. that doesnt mean forever they wont. It means for now they didnt. I cant promise I'll ever want a future with you in it, in it in that way. I cant promise anything except for, I love you. I've always loved you, otherwise I wouldnt hurt. But I'm not in love with you. And things will work out for us in the end. When you promise 23 I promise I'll see. We cant see. Were blinded by the future until tomorrow comes. Im blinded by out past and our present also. I cant see anything. I dont want to anymore. Im scared, of changing again. Twisting and turning without you. I liked you. I liked how you looked and I liked what you had to say. I didnt like some things. I didnt like being pushed away, shrugged off, hit, hurt, yelled at, put down, left behind, left alone, left. I didnt like when you insulted me or told me what to do or who to be. I didnt like that you didnt like me. You liked me at first, and I changed for you, for what you wanted, and what you needed. Those changes made you hate me, you made you hate me. I didnt like those things. I didnt like that you had no confidence in yourself after a while, I didnt like what I found out you were, I didnt like the real you, the paranoid, copy cat, wanna-be-anything-but-yourself you. I didnt like your superficial side. But I liked you. I liked your smiles, and your eyes, your autumn eyes. I liked your friends and your family. I liked that they welcomed me, and loved me like family, no questions, no pause. Just was. I liked that. I liked your hands, I liked how dead they looked when they were dry. I liked how you loved bagels, and how you twitched when you fell asleep, and wiggled your nose all funny. I liked calling you baby. I liked when first said it, and you told me you liked it. I liked how gentle you were with me. I liked how respectfull you used to be. I liked the silly songs we both liked. I could go on forever, but those are physical, and inside, you were never what I wanted, what I needed, what I liked. Im okay with that, your a good friend, a best friend, not a boy friend, not a future. One day you will be, and one day we definitely could be together, but what are the chances? Youll find someone new, someone different, something to keep you occupied, someone equal to me maybe. And they will be ideal when your ready to be ideal. I miss you. I miss holding you. I miss sleeping next to you. I cant stop missing you. I cant even think of why I grew to hate you. I miss you. I miss us. I love you. Forever. But there are other people I feel the same for, and I know now those things never work out. Never pan out the way we wished. We wish now. Goodbye Goodnight.