(no subject)
Im sick, so sick. I feel so ill and i can't make myself feel better. I wish someone would pour me a tea, with 3 sugars, tea bag out. I wish there was someone, anyone to hold my hand, tell me everything will be alright. I wish so badly for someone to kiss me goodnight on the forehead and hold me tight under all the blankets in nothing but skin. I want to feel your warmth, your shiver in being so cold but keeping me so warm. I want to feel your nervous shake in being close to me. I want to know this is a moment you'll never forget. Im so sick. The feeling in my lungs and in my throat after vomiting in my mouth and swallowing is better than the feeling of walking through that doorway. Even though I want to. Its not my turn to. Have you ever felt like a horrible person, like, so horrible that even being near the people you love makes you nervous. I have. I feel like everything i do, every feeling I have, thats hurt, or otherwise emotional... I feel like its all wrong. Like nothing I do will ever be right. Like if I pretended I was never hurt by you, or that when your rude and hurt my feelings, if I never reacted, could ignore it, as if it never occured, if I could do that, and keep my mouth closed from the honesty it belts out every time... maybe then, the world, the city, the house would feel like a home. I don't know, I just don't know. Im so sick, I would love a tea and a hand to hold, someone to look at me and see nothing but beauty and wits and talent. I would love so much for someone to see no bad in be, only good, no anger, no tears, to see past that to the part of me that wants nothing more than a comforting lap to sit in, a fitting hand to hold, soft puzzle piece lips to fit into mine. I want nothing more than to learn something new about someone wonderfull, beautiful, in all their flaws. Someone who trusts me, cares too much to hurt me, worries about me and protects me from the harsh winds the real world may bring. I want to live in a crystal ball, full of wnderfull people and places and a lack of time. I want to hold one peaceful moment in the palm of my hand. I want to hold your hand. The vomit is coming back up... Its an indirect assault, but hurts just as much. I wish i could not feel, or thing. If only i had amnesia. If only that accident were on purpose. If only it had resulted in a much different aftermath. If only alot of things had changed, before and after. I often wonder about my existence or my purpose, why me, why now, what now? If my mother had never been with my dad, maybe she had stayed with her first husband, if only he hadnt cheated, he was a painter, artistic, creative. Gorgeous I would imagine, though i've never even seen a photograph. My brother would never be, I would never be. Maybe she would name her first born, elizabeth. Or maybe Joseph, after he husbands father, if that were his name... Maybe she had an abortion and I would have had a sister, to confide in. Or a brother, older and wiser, to support me in all my endeavors. Today could be different tomorrow will be. I think I will go to work in Eau Clair, get the kep for Marda, drop by the bank and deposit my pay check. and also the cash in my wallet. Maybe I will wake up and make a lunch, or no, I will do that now. I will pack a night bag, ask Gwen if I could stay with her. Or maybe sarah. Go to american apparel and get some track pants, and work out with Gwen maybe. Or go to Hmv after work and get a cd with that money I still have from my grandpa and Cheryl. And i can call my dad, i have to remember to pack that. Maybe I will be there friday. Maybe I won't. Alone, I will show up alone. Always Lonesome Only Never Equipped... to be that way that is. Tomorrow I won;t come back, friday I will go to work, same with saturday. Sunday I will paint. and sketch and go, places, in the city, or stay and watch movies. We will see how it goes. Flowers would never happen, soup is all i really need. Oh no, the vomit feeling is coming back, I dont think I can swallow this one...