Once again with a topic pertaining to stupidity.
Well, I know my past and I couldn't give a flying pancake if you know
it or not since this is MY journal so I'm just gonna whine like you
aren't reading this.
I don't have a lot of close friends. I have one. And without her I'd be..... God knows where... Hell for suicide maybe. Toronto with my sister. Winnipeg. Where I am now but pregnant and STD's..... who knows what I would have done to cope with the fact that every other friend, with the exception of the ones related to friends or family of mine, are friends for less than a year at a stretch.
WHY do we always grow apart? Even the ones that I'm getting to know AGAIN are planning on leaving in the next year or so! It's like... life is a dance where the dancers move in wide circles and I'm standing in a corner. They pass me every now and again but.... they just keep on going.
I know that my dreams are there because I want to prove people wrong. I want to prove to the people that called me loser that I'm better than they ever would have thought. I want to prove to the 'experts' that you can go from middle class to upper class in ONE generation, not two or three. I want to prove to MYSELF that I am better than they said, can achieve what I was told I can't, can BE what I wish to BE.
But is my desire to prove them WRONG making me repeat mistakes that drove them away in the first place? How many friends have I had for more than a year that I still talk to often? One. Jen. And her soblings, but... I hate to say this because it could just be my own insecurity... but I really don't think we'd be friends if it wasn't for Jen.
Did I even drive people away?
Maybe I'm RUNNING away...? Maybe I'm reading into things more than I should. Maybe... my expectation that my lot in life is pain is CAUSING the pain.... therefore reinforcing that belief. Maybe I'm seeing demons in shadows where there really is nothing but darkness.
I need a shrink.
I need friends that don't fade out of my life.
Maybe I need to become a hermit with NO friends.... then all this would be moot anyways. Something you don't have can't hurt you no matter WHAT you think.
On a side note and totally off topic... I'm moving out in the beginning of the new year. I just need to make some arrangements before I do this. Then I'm gone.
I don't have a lot of close friends. I have one. And without her I'd be..... God knows where... Hell for suicide maybe. Toronto with my sister. Winnipeg. Where I am now but pregnant and STD's..... who knows what I would have done to cope with the fact that every other friend, with the exception of the ones related to friends or family of mine, are friends for less than a year at a stretch.
WHY do we always grow apart? Even the ones that I'm getting to know AGAIN are planning on leaving in the next year or so! It's like... life is a dance where the dancers move in wide circles and I'm standing in a corner. They pass me every now and again but.... they just keep on going.
I know that my dreams are there because I want to prove people wrong. I want to prove to the people that called me loser that I'm better than they ever would have thought. I want to prove to the 'experts' that you can go from middle class to upper class in ONE generation, not two or three. I want to prove to MYSELF that I am better than they said, can achieve what I was told I can't, can BE what I wish to BE.
But is my desire to prove them WRONG making me repeat mistakes that drove them away in the first place? How many friends have I had for more than a year that I still talk to often? One. Jen. And her soblings, but... I hate to say this because it could just be my own insecurity... but I really don't think we'd be friends if it wasn't for Jen.
Did I even drive people away?
Maybe I'm RUNNING away...? Maybe I'm reading into things more than I should. Maybe... my expectation that my lot in life is pain is CAUSING the pain.... therefore reinforcing that belief. Maybe I'm seeing demons in shadows where there really is nothing but darkness.
I need a shrink.
I need friends that don't fade out of my life.
Maybe I need to become a hermit with NO friends.... then all this would be moot anyways. Something you don't have can't hurt you no matter WHAT you think.
On a side note and totally off topic... I'm moving out in the beginning of the new year. I just need to make some arrangements before I do this. Then I'm gone.