You dont understand...*Edited*
It has for the past year(well almost) bugged the hell out of me when someone tells me they understand how I am feeling when it involves my Marine. How could they possibly understand what its like? These are the same people who bitch about not being able to see their loved ones for 2-3 days, the ones who get bored in their relationships so easily, the ones who take for granted every second their with them. When your suddenly thrust into the military life style because you happen to fall head over heels in love with a Marine. I couldn't help falling in love with him. It just happened and before I knew it I was too far in to ever think about stopping. I don't want to ever stop loving him. He is the best part of me.
Watching him leave for bootcamp was at the time one of the hardest things I've ever done. To this day I can still picture him walking away, getting in the van and then pulling out of the driveway. I still can feel the overwhelming desire to run after him, to beg him not to go and then the feeling of complete emptiness that was left after he was gone from sight. Receiving my first my letter from bootcamp was the best feeling in the entire world. I remember my heart skipping a beat when I looked at the envelope. The second letter I swear I was flying because I have never in my entire life ran that fast. I was in, out, back in and reading it within less than a minute. Just feeling the outside of the envelope where his hands would have touched. I longed for that thought. It brought me a little bit closer to him and it made me feel him. Everytime I got a letter from bootcamp was like giving a child a present on christmas. Nothing else in the world mattered at the time and despite the tears that were rolling off my face because I wasn't there to help him I knew I was there helping him by believing in him.
Riding in the van on the way down to south carolina seemed unreal. I had survived 3 months of no phone calls, no emails, no hugs, nothing but letters. Before we got there I barely slept, did eat(and wasn't hungry). When we arrived in south carolina and drove up to the gate of Parris Island my heart leaped for joy. I felt so close to him yet still so far away. I barely slept that night. I was so anxious to see jason for the first time in 3 months and to finally be able to just hug and kiss him...even if it was for a brief moment. We were there bright and early...Actually like the 2-3 group of people there. Seeing the motivation run and standing there waiting for him to run by was like waiting for a big surprise yet knowing once you see it you can't touch it or even be near it when all you long for is one touch. Sarah and I were so excited after we saw them. We could barely stand still. We ran to see them pass once more then ran into other people we knew. We stood and gabbed while glancing at our loved ones. A huge sense of pride and love filled my entire body. When they were marching back to their barracks sarah and I stood directly in front of the direction they were marching before they had to turn. I got to look into his eyes and see him flash a huge smile when I knew he saw me. I wanted nothing more than to grab a hold of him and just hold him against me. I remember sitting on the bleachers watching them as they all marched. Seeing how every step, every movement was in sync. It was incredible. Seeing him get his EGA was great because I knew he deserved it just like everyone of them did. They earned it. The moment everyone got to get off the bleachers and rush to their loved one was a scary and yet exciting moment. I rushed through the crowd leaving his parents behind, I saw him grinned and he proved he was still him. He looked at me with the same smile, the same face and yet there was more to it. There was more to his smile. Like it was appreciation for the support like he knew exactly how I felt at that moment.
Leaving him on family day was so hard. It was hard not to grip with him all my might to keep him against me yet I let go so easily fearing he would get in trouble. That was the second time I got to experience him walking away when I knew the only thing we both wanted was to be together. I woke up to the sound of rain outside. Knowing it was canceling the original ceremony I wanted to weep. I sat quite hoping that when we got lost it wouldn't affect us seeing him and being in the front at graduation. We separated in the church. Waiting outside for him to walk by was exciting. I was finally going to have him back in my life. He almost passed me until I opened my mouth. He whipped around saw me, smiled then we found his parents. There were no pictures that day, we were racing to get out of there, racing to be free and to be together. Getting to be with him alone for the first moment was incredible. I put down my stuff and he put down his. Then picked me up and tossed me on the bed, then planted the a passionate kiss upon my lips.
Driving to the airport for the first time made me nervous, scared and really sad. I refused to let anything get in the way of me enjoying my last night with him. Our kisses lingered as did every touch, every glance, every single moment. It was incredible. Waking up early, showering and watching him get dressed made me want to pull him in bed, shove our heads under the covers and just let the entire world disappear but I knew it wasn't possible. We drove to the airport, stood for awhile then we shared our final moment before I had to walk away. It was me this time that was being forced to be the one to walk away. Wishing he would yell out to me, wait, stay, dont leave, but know that was impossible. He had to go by duty not choice. Thats what I tried to tell myself as the tears rolled down my cheeks on the drive home. It wasn't his choice to leave me, he wants to be home, here with me.
Waiting for christmas was hard. Knowing he was coming home for christmas and would be home within a few weeks made it almost impossible for me to do any work. Yet I managed to ace everything, study and talk to him on the phone. Sleeping peacefully friday morning, vaguely hearing my door open and opening my eyes to see my Marine walking towards me is the best feeling in the world. Its indescribable. I didn't dare blink for fear it was all a dream and when I actually opened my eyes he wouldn't be there. It would not have been christmas without him there. Dancing with him at his mom's house for the first time to no music, just the sound of our heart beats while he whispered sweet things into my ear meant more to me then words could explain. Him leaving that time was so hard. I did my best to bite my lip and not let him see me cry. I wanted to be strong and let his last image of my to be one in which I am smiling. Knowing I might not see him for 14 months was almost unbearable and that in 2 weeks I was taking one of the biggest steps I've ever had to take towards my dream.
Coming back from experiencing life and now viewing the world through a whole new light was not just exciting because I would get to see my family who I've missed more than words but I was partly thrilled because I knew I was going to see my Marine before his deployment. When I got off the plane in NC I was so nervous about seeing him again. I can't explain why I knew he still loved me, he had a very special surprise planned and was thrilled I was there. The butterflies were flying like crazy around in my stomach.
The second I saw him they disappeared, I smiled this HUGE grin and gave him a big hug. He proposed to me about 5 minutes later. I have never been happier in my entire life. Those 6 days I was in heaven. I am engaged to my best friend and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. Seeing him run back towards the barricks and waiting at the bus station was horrid. It was the most sicken feeling. I wanted to cry, be sick and race back to see himself.
*Added*The last time I had to watch he walk away was by far the worse. Looking into those eyes and seeing the the pain and knowing either of us wanted to leave. That our 6 days today was not even close to being long enough, not long enough for being apart for almost 5 full months especially knowing it would be at least 6 more months until we could be together again. Watching my fiance run back towards the barracks was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Seeing the distance between our bodies grow is unbearable. Just wanting nothing more than one more kiss, one more hug, one more night or one more touch, yet I know that if I got one more I would still be longing for one more.
I could scream and cry that its not fair because it isn't or I could spend my days laying in bed crying because I miss him to the point that my body aches without him, but I won't and I can't. It wouldn't bring him back any sooner and it would be a waste of my life, the precious moments I cannot get back once their gone. I pray every night that God keeps him safe and protects him. He's my life. I know if he had a choice he'd be here with me more than he can be now. Its just job to protect our freedom and I have never been more proud than I am now. I know the true meaning of love and I know how precious a relationship is. Its harder than you could ever imagine loving someone and knowing that out of an entire year your lucky to get 30 days with them. You have to work at it twice as hard as you normally would and yet the relationship doesn't come with what it normally would. Phone calls, letters, emails and being able to chat make your week even if their only for 30 seconds. Nothing is taken for granted, not a single moment, because when you are in love with a member of our military you never know when their going to happen again.
Real strength is something I have learned from our relationship. I have gone through and survived more things then I thought possible. I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet without longing to lean on someone for support. Loving Jason has given me more faith in myself, god and love; but also shown me that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind and heart to. No distance can distroy true love. I'm living proof of that right now. There has been an ocean between us for all but a week of the past 7 months and we're still so in love. Its incredible and I am truly blessed. *added*
I know that every second that we're together is worth every second we're apart. I adore him, every part of him. So unless your in love with someone in our fine military, then you can read those words and sort of understand but you'll never fully feel what I wrote. You dont truly understand. You may fear for your friends in the military but that fear isn't even close to being the same. Its like saying horses and zebra's are the same. I mean their in the same family but they are definitely different. I dont claim to understand someone's pain when they lose someone with cancer or anything like that so it bothers me when people claim to understand the pain of missing someone your in love with and the fear you experience every moment their not in your arms. Also I don't offer any of my sympathy to you if you complain you haven't seen the person your in love with for two weeks. I am not saying it may not be hard for you because I'm sure it is. I've been there myself and it sucks but I just can't offer you my sympathy.
So when you read this you may get a glimpse of what its like to love someone in our military but unless you've been in my shoes you can't even begin to truely understand.
Watching him leave for bootcamp was at the time one of the hardest things I've ever done. To this day I can still picture him walking away, getting in the van and then pulling out of the driveway. I still can feel the overwhelming desire to run after him, to beg him not to go and then the feeling of complete emptiness that was left after he was gone from sight. Receiving my first my letter from bootcamp was the best feeling in the entire world. I remember my heart skipping a beat when I looked at the envelope. The second letter I swear I was flying because I have never in my entire life ran that fast. I was in, out, back in and reading it within less than a minute. Just feeling the outside of the envelope where his hands would have touched. I longed for that thought. It brought me a little bit closer to him and it made me feel him. Everytime I got a letter from bootcamp was like giving a child a present on christmas. Nothing else in the world mattered at the time and despite the tears that were rolling off my face because I wasn't there to help him I knew I was there helping him by believing in him.
Riding in the van on the way down to south carolina seemed unreal. I had survived 3 months of no phone calls, no emails, no hugs, nothing but letters. Before we got there I barely slept, did eat(and wasn't hungry). When we arrived in south carolina and drove up to the gate of Parris Island my heart leaped for joy. I felt so close to him yet still so far away. I barely slept that night. I was so anxious to see jason for the first time in 3 months and to finally be able to just hug and kiss him...even if it was for a brief moment. We were there bright and early...Actually like the 2-3 group of people there. Seeing the motivation run and standing there waiting for him to run by was like waiting for a big surprise yet knowing once you see it you can't touch it or even be near it when all you long for is one touch. Sarah and I were so excited after we saw them. We could barely stand still. We ran to see them pass once more then ran into other people we knew. We stood and gabbed while glancing at our loved ones. A huge sense of pride and love filled my entire body. When they were marching back to their barracks sarah and I stood directly in front of the direction they were marching before they had to turn. I got to look into his eyes and see him flash a huge smile when I knew he saw me. I wanted nothing more than to grab a hold of him and just hold him against me. I remember sitting on the bleachers watching them as they all marched. Seeing how every step, every movement was in sync. It was incredible. Seeing him get his EGA was great because I knew he deserved it just like everyone of them did. They earned it. The moment everyone got to get off the bleachers and rush to their loved one was a scary and yet exciting moment. I rushed through the crowd leaving his parents behind, I saw him grinned and he proved he was still him. He looked at me with the same smile, the same face and yet there was more to it. There was more to his smile. Like it was appreciation for the support like he knew exactly how I felt at that moment.
Leaving him on family day was so hard. It was hard not to grip with him all my might to keep him against me yet I let go so easily fearing he would get in trouble. That was the second time I got to experience him walking away when I knew the only thing we both wanted was to be together. I woke up to the sound of rain outside. Knowing it was canceling the original ceremony I wanted to weep. I sat quite hoping that when we got lost it wouldn't affect us seeing him and being in the front at graduation. We separated in the church. Waiting outside for him to walk by was exciting. I was finally going to have him back in my life. He almost passed me until I opened my mouth. He whipped around saw me, smiled then we found his parents. There were no pictures that day, we were racing to get out of there, racing to be free and to be together. Getting to be with him alone for the first moment was incredible. I put down my stuff and he put down his. Then picked me up and tossed me on the bed, then planted the a passionate kiss upon my lips.
Driving to the airport for the first time made me nervous, scared and really sad. I refused to let anything get in the way of me enjoying my last night with him. Our kisses lingered as did every touch, every glance, every single moment. It was incredible. Waking up early, showering and watching him get dressed made me want to pull him in bed, shove our heads under the covers and just let the entire world disappear but I knew it wasn't possible. We drove to the airport, stood for awhile then we shared our final moment before I had to walk away. It was me this time that was being forced to be the one to walk away. Wishing he would yell out to me, wait, stay, dont leave, but know that was impossible. He had to go by duty not choice. Thats what I tried to tell myself as the tears rolled down my cheeks on the drive home. It wasn't his choice to leave me, he wants to be home, here with me.
Waiting for christmas was hard. Knowing he was coming home for christmas and would be home within a few weeks made it almost impossible for me to do any work. Yet I managed to ace everything, study and talk to him on the phone. Sleeping peacefully friday morning, vaguely hearing my door open and opening my eyes to see my Marine walking towards me is the best feeling in the world. Its indescribable. I didn't dare blink for fear it was all a dream and when I actually opened my eyes he wouldn't be there. It would not have been christmas without him there. Dancing with him at his mom's house for the first time to no music, just the sound of our heart beats while he whispered sweet things into my ear meant more to me then words could explain. Him leaving that time was so hard. I did my best to bite my lip and not let him see me cry. I wanted to be strong and let his last image of my to be one in which I am smiling. Knowing I might not see him for 14 months was almost unbearable and that in 2 weeks I was taking one of the biggest steps I've ever had to take towards my dream.
Coming back from experiencing life and now viewing the world through a whole new light was not just exciting because I would get to see my family who I've missed more than words but I was partly thrilled because I knew I was going to see my Marine before his deployment. When I got off the plane in NC I was so nervous about seeing him again. I can't explain why I knew he still loved me, he had a very special surprise planned and was thrilled I was there. The butterflies were flying like crazy around in my stomach.
The second I saw him they disappeared, I smiled this HUGE grin and gave him a big hug. He proposed to me about 5 minutes later. I have never been happier in my entire life. Those 6 days I was in heaven. I am engaged to my best friend and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. Seeing him run back towards the barricks and waiting at the bus station was horrid. It was the most sicken feeling. I wanted to cry, be sick and race back to see himself.
*Added*The last time I had to watch he walk away was by far the worse. Looking into those eyes and seeing the the pain and knowing either of us wanted to leave. That our 6 days today was not even close to being long enough, not long enough for being apart for almost 5 full months especially knowing it would be at least 6 more months until we could be together again. Watching my fiance run back towards the barracks was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. Seeing the distance between our bodies grow is unbearable. Just wanting nothing more than one more kiss, one more hug, one more night or one more touch, yet I know that if I got one more I would still be longing for one more.
I could scream and cry that its not fair because it isn't or I could spend my days laying in bed crying because I miss him to the point that my body aches without him, but I won't and I can't. It wouldn't bring him back any sooner and it would be a waste of my life, the precious moments I cannot get back once their gone. I pray every night that God keeps him safe and protects him. He's my life. I know if he had a choice he'd be here with me more than he can be now. Its just job to protect our freedom and I have never been more proud than I am now. I know the true meaning of love and I know how precious a relationship is. Its harder than you could ever imagine loving someone and knowing that out of an entire year your lucky to get 30 days with them. You have to work at it twice as hard as you normally would and yet the relationship doesn't come with what it normally would. Phone calls, letters, emails and being able to chat make your week even if their only for 30 seconds. Nothing is taken for granted, not a single moment, because when you are in love with a member of our military you never know when their going to happen again.
Real strength is something I have learned from our relationship. I have gone through and survived more things then I thought possible. I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet without longing to lean on someone for support. Loving Jason has given me more faith in myself, god and love; but also shown me that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind and heart to. No distance can distroy true love. I'm living proof of that right now. There has been an ocean between us for all but a week of the past 7 months and we're still so in love. Its incredible and I am truly blessed. *added*
I know that every second that we're together is worth every second we're apart. I adore him, every part of him. So unless your in love with someone in our fine military, then you can read those words and sort of understand but you'll never fully feel what I wrote. You dont truly understand. You may fear for your friends in the military but that fear isn't even close to being the same. Its like saying horses and zebra's are the same. I mean their in the same family but they are definitely different. I dont claim to understand someone's pain when they lose someone with cancer or anything like that so it bothers me when people claim to understand the pain of missing someone your in love with and the fear you experience every moment their not in your arms. Also I don't offer any of my sympathy to you if you complain you haven't seen the person your in love with for two weeks. I am not saying it may not be hard for you because I'm sure it is. I've been there myself and it sucks but I just can't offer you my sympathy.
So when you read this you may get a glimpse of what its like to love someone in our military but unless you've been in my shoes you can't even begin to truely understand.