AGAIN
I actually did a handwritten journal earlier today as well, but it just seems like a "get all the things out" kind of day.
My lamentation in THAT journal is that I don't seem to be experiencing growth. I'm doing the same things and somehow expecting a different me to emerge, with some kind of wisdom or change in behavior. So far... no bueno. Today he suggested maybe I need a therapist, and I don't think he's wrong. I do think that it's hard for me to admit to myself that I've seen therapists before and they've helped me solve whatever acute problem I had at that moment, but the systemic conditions of I DON'T LOVE WHO I HAVE BECOME IN THIS LIFE does not seem to be addressed.
I wrote in the other thing that I haven't found a way to forgive myself for some of my massive lifetime fuck ups, and that I associate that lack of forgiveness with religion, which I also associate with community, which I have also given up. So that's a whole pile of stuff to trudge through.
I don't want to trudge. I want someone to give me things to do AND THEN MAKE ME DO THEM. Perhaps that is why something like weight loss surgery works. It forces your hand. You simply CAN'T eat another bite, even when you want to. I imagine it's a little bit sad in some ways, and that might be the mental work that people talk about after surgery. I have so many other hard and fast rules in my life, but the ones around certain arenas are just garbage. I have no boundaries right up until the wall. There's no softening the blows.
So today I think again about table flipping. And while I may have currency with my team, I do not have that in spades with my boss, so I need to be careful. I need to be assured that I'm not shooting myself in the foot while I'm trying to live a life out here.
I also need to stop giving up so easily on the "other things" we could be doing. They will take some effort. Some of that might mean taking the next year to say "this is what we are working on" and prioritize time correctly to reflect that.
I should draw up some simple sketches of what I think a good app might be for remembering the things that help show love.
I need a shrink. And probably meds.