The Way I am - part one
Rating:
Teen And Up Audiences
Relationship:
Aiba Masaki/Ninomiya Kazunari
Community:
arashi_exchange / Nino fanfic exchange
Summary:
Nino has always been a bit troubled. His mom wants him to find a nice girlfriend when he grows up, but Nino doesn't seem to be interested in love at all. Let's follow Nino on a path of self discovery and see where it takes us!
Just twelve and here you are
The mom, who sat a few tables away from him, nodded as her son told her about the drawing he had just made. The shopping bags near her feet surrounding her chair indicated they had been on a shopping spree. The son indicated several things about his drawing and the woman absorbed every bit of information he provided. They joked and grinned to each other. The son with the longish hair had a gentle smile and his eyes beamed as he looked up to his mum. It was a feeling Nino shared, as he watched them interact, swinging his feet underneath his chair and sipping his chilled chocolate shake.
The small coffee shop near the station was a home away from home to Nino. He came here hiding from school life, hiding from his personal life. Here it was as if nothing else mattered. And it was here he had seen the boy and his mum for the first time. They came ever so often and seemed totally devoted to each other. In the beginning it had made Nino feel envious; he missed that kind of attention from his mum. He knew why she worked so hard, to the point she was hardly home, but that didn't make it any easier. He wished he could trade her to the one Satoshi had. He had overheard them numerous times and learned their names by heart. The Ohno family. Satoshi probably didn't know how lucky he was having his mom by his side like that.
But Nino knew. He had watched them as he sat alone enjoying his cold drink. The envy had long since dissipated. It had been substituted for a longing to be part of their family; the attention, the laughter, the feeling of being loved. It wasn't that he wasn't loved, but what he got at home was nothing like what Satoshi seemed to receive out in public. He seemed to really glow from all the praise, while Nino... Nino couldn't remember the last time he beamed from something his mom had said about him or done for him. So, Nino beamed when there was a new game out, when he finally had beaten the highest levels of it, or when his favourite manga series had a new continuation, or even when there was a day he wasn't bullied at school - which sadly weren’t too many.
"Would you like another?" The question was posed by a woman with greying hair and a friendly smile. Her eyes conveyed her kindness. She could be his grandmother, she just was that old. And she was also the owner of the coffee house he frequented. He smiled at her and shook his head. His couldn't really afford another one with his allowance that he just spend on the new game he looked forward to playing. The woman smiled back at him, came a little closer as she whispered: "What if I told you it was on the house?"
Nino looked a bit incredulous and then sceptical. He wasn't offered free stuff all that much and it was in his experience there were usually very nasty strings attached to such offers, so he shook his head again. The woman shrugged and walked away again.
Nino glanced back to the Ohno's, to notice the piercing look he received from the boy. He was older than Nino was, and if Nino had overheard things correctly, he was part of Johnny's Entertainment. He was doing stage plays in Kyoto. Nino thought it was rather stupid to do stage plays - who in their right minds would ever go to see something like that? It seemed boring to him. As he pondered the thought of acting in a play, the door to the shop slammed open, sending the doorbell into a ringing frenzy, and a boy came bustling in - a blast of smiles and energy as he yelled his 'I'm home' greeting throughout the shop. He ran behind the counter and jumped nearly on the owner while receiving ‘nice to have you back’ from the customers.
"Masaki-kun! You nearly startled me a heart attack!" The words sounded fond instead of chastising and the buy just smiled broadly hugging her in his enthusiasm.
"I'm home," he clarified happily once more.
"Welcome back, sweetness," the owner said, pressing a soft kiss on top of his head.
Nino watched the exchange from his seat. Must be nice to belong to a tight family, he mused sipping the last of his chocolate shake, diverting his eyes before he was caught staring. Ohno and his mum were leaving, he noticed. His mom paid the bill while Satoshi stood a little awkward with all the bags in his hands near their table. Their eyes crossed each other and Nino felt inclined to make some sort of gesture, though he didn't know what. But that was before Aiba hugged him from the side, wrapping him up in his embrace whispering 'I'm home' in his ear. Nino shoved him aside.
"Baka! I already saw that you are home. Heck the whole shop knows you're home!" Aiba just smiled radiantly and unfazed as he took the seat beside him and moved close enough that Nino actually felt a little crowded.
"Don't be mean, Nino. I brought gifts!" Aiba presented him with another chocolate shake and Nino immediately sought for Aiba's grandmother who pointedly looked away. Nino huffed, but swapped his empty glass for the full one. Aiba hummed contently.
"How was school?" he inquired knowing Nino had a hard time there. Nino shrugged and kept quiet. Aiba briefly looked at him before looking away.
"Yours?" Nino asked, with half the interest he should have had.
"Same old," his friend said which didn’t sound any better.
Nino and Aiba had bonded a little less than a year ago over chocolate shakes he couldn’t afford. He wanted to sneak away without paying when Masaki, who had been standing at Satoshi’s table to watch him draw, had stopped him and alerted his grandmother.
When she had made him do the dishes to compensate all the shakes he drank Aiba had come around to help him and they started talking about the latest manga and anime. It didn’t take long to figure out the two were similar and at the same time very different from each other.
Where Aiba was very shy, Nino could be very brash, but where Nino lacked the courage to do something, Aiba would be the one to pull them through. They both had a tough time in their respective schools. Nino didn’t talk much about it in the beginning and Aiba thought he was very popular at his and didn’t want to mention it because Aiba had no real friends. He didn’t know how much he was wrong when Nino came one day with scratches and bruises on his face.
It marked the day they argued for the first time (because friends tell each other everything and Nino was keeping this a secret) and it markes one of the few days Nino would ever let his guard down enough to cry out of desperation when Aiba wasn’t backing down until he had uncovered the whole truth. It marked the first day where Aiba had truly hugged someone he cared about - other than his family - and cried with them. It was the first day Nino had ever received such a hug from anyone other than his mom. In short, it marked the day that they truly became best friends and each other’s strength.
Barely fifteen; How am I supposed to react to you now?
"I will ask if you can stay over!" Aiba jumped up and dashed out of his room before Nino could even stop him. They still had time for Nino to catch the last train. And even if Nino enjoyed Aiba's company more than anything, he didn't really want to spend the night. He didn't want a repeat of a few weeks ago, where he had heard Aiba moan his name in his sleep. He knew Aiba talked in his sleep on occasion - he had heard his fair amount of it - but that was really pushing it. He really wanted to tease Aiba with it and he would have if it had been any other name than his. And even though Aiba remained and was just Aiba, all the touching and closeness came with a new meaning to it, without Nino wanting it to.
Sighing Nino ran out of Aiba's room to stop him, just to see Aiba slip and slide down the wooden staircase as some blue, furry, stuffed bear on it's back. Just a few steps from the floor Aiba's fall came to a stop. There was a full second of silence before Nino's best friend started sobbing and his grandparents came to see what the fuss was about. By that time, Nino had already made his way down trying to console his friend as best as he could.
After that things became very dramatic. Aiba needed to strip so his grandmother could survey the damage and rub Aiba’s wounds with some lotion she had on hand. Nino missed his last train and needed to call his mom. Aiba sobbed most of the part and Nino didn’t know what to do but take the lecture of the grandfather about playing on the stairs to heart - even if they hadn’t been playing up there at all. Aiba threw him apologetic glances and Nino shrugged in return.
...
"It burns," Aiba whispers, "It hurts so badly." He was lying on his bed, topless, letting the air and his grandma's ointment do their work. "Nino, are you a sleep?" Nino groaned slightly.
"How can anyone be asleep with your whining," he muttered in the same hushed tone Aiba used.
"Help me get rid of whatever she put on my back. It stings like a troop of fire ants. Please, Nino."
"Will you stop complaining if I help?" Nino turned on his futon to put the light on on the small bedstand; a little Totoro image lit up on the ceiling. It was childish, but Aiba was fond of it - and it was one of the few things he didn't allow Nino to make a mockery off, even if Nino was the one who got it for his birthday two years ago. Nino had become quite fond of it himself, but he would die first before admitting that to anyone. "How do you want to get rid of it? Can't you just go take a shower?"
"I'm hurting all over and you want me to walk around? That's pretty heartless, Nino!"
"You made me miss my train! My mom is angry with me because you fell down the stairs!"
"I didn't do it on purpose!"
There was a small bit of electricity burning between them as they stared at each other; Nino on his knees on his spare futon and Aiba still lying on his stomach on his bed. Nino sighed, turning his gaze elsewhere. "So how do you want me to help?"
"Wash it off my back, I don't know, just get it off. The itching and pain is driving me insane. Do something! Please Nino!"
Nino got up. He was only wearing underwear and an oversized yellow t-shirt with a faded image of Vegeta on it. He found his way very quietly into the family bathroom where he drenched a wash cloth and took a towel back with him to the bedroom. Out of some spite, but more out of humour he just dropped the cold wet cloth on Aiba's back, who shivered on impact and cast Nino a condemning look. Nino smirked and shrugged, like he was saying 'What? It's your own fault, baka.' But as he viewed Aiba's red and angry looking skin he got some doubts. How was he supposed to -
"Hurry up," Aiba hissed, his voice strained. And so, without thinking about it, Nino climbed on top of Aiba and started gently washing the ointment from his friend. Aiba cursed a few times when Nino's movement caused him pain, silent complaints followed them, muffled some more into the pillow. Nino kept moving his cloth. Up and down few times, turning it, using the other side. Aiba became quieter with every stroke, but Nino didn't quite noticed it. He was too busy noticing how his hands tended to Aiba's sore skin, how the muscles played under his administrations, how he turned warm from touching him, how his breath became more shallow and quicker. After a while he wasn't just washing the ointment away - by all accounts it was gone or very much diluted - Nino was just tracing imaginary patterns on Aiba's back, using the whole as his canvas. It wasn't just the cloth rubbing over Aiba's skin, Nino let the fingers of his other hand dance along it. He had gently and quite covertly pushed part of Aiba's slacks down to bare a little more skin, the onset of his behind. It wasn't until he innocently brushed his fingers against the exposed skin there and rubbed them accidentally against his crotch which gave him quite the shock of realisation he was getting hard sitting on top of his friend.
He stilled in his actions, confused, feeling a bead of sweat drip down his spine as he sat up straight, frowning. While he pondered what was happening, Aiba leaned up. Nino didn't know what his intention was, but in a panic immediately pushed him down again, with both hands on his shoulders. In doing so, Nino automatically leaned forward, making contact between Aiba's ass and the part of his body which was so much harder than it was supposed to be. Nino bit his lip, not wanting to voice out the sudden electricity that shot through him, but it was Aiba who moaned; even if it was smothered halve into the pillow he could clearly hear it. Nino forgot to breathe for a few seconds, staying in that position out of shock before he hastily let go and got of the bed. He practically ran to the bathroom, locked it and stared at the door as if he couldn't trust the lock, feeling terrified Aiba would come after him.
He took a moment to catch his breath, noticing how fast his heart was racing. He turned around a few times, not knowing what to do or how to respond to this weird feeling that had him riled up. He was hard, and he looked miserably at the tent in his underwear. How the hell did this happen? He couldn't wrap his mind around it. Wasn't this suppose to happen with a girl? How did this happen with a guy? With his best friend even? Nino’s mind kept throwing questions at him without providing an answer. And between all the chaos growing inside his head, which forced him to sit down on the bathtub's edge and hold it tight, it somehow began to dawn on him that Masaki had reacted to his stupid action. It became quiet in his mind for just a moment to let it sink in. He could still hear it; the soft sound muffled in the pillow. What was probably worse was that the memory still played around his haywire thoughts and his body reacted to it. His body reacted all on it's own to the sound of his best friend's murmur. It left him shocked be he couldn’t find the answer to the question of why.
Nino returned to the bedroom. He didn’t know how much time had passed, how long he had been hiding in the bedroom. He felt reluctant to go back to the bedroom, but he couldn’t very well spend the night in the bathroom, could he? The lights were off, Aiba was still in bed, pretty much as Nino had left him when he ran out. He looked like he was sound asleep, but even the relative safety did nothing good for Nino's heart rate which spiked up. And after he had gone through so much trouble of getting it to slow down in the solitude of the bathroom walls. He blamed everything on the quiet in the room, the tension of not wanting to wake Aiba up.
His battle plan for the night was to sleep and get the hell out first thing in the morning to sort out whatever was going on with him. He still couldn't make heads nor tails of it and it scared him as much as it worried him. But without the proper answers he was going stir crazy.
He lay underneath the covers, deep enough to almost disappear, leaving just a small bit of blanket open so he could get the much needed air without suffocating to death. He breathed quietly, willing his respiration to sound normal, willing his heart to slow the heck down again and let the peacefulness within the room drift him to sleep. His brain however was overactive, his ears tuned into every freaking sound it picked up and his body was so tense with everything it actually began to hurt - Nino knew he was facing a rough night.
"Are you okay?"
Nino's heart stopped, just a fraction of a second, before slamming in all its might against his ribs. His brain short-circuited preventing him from answering on the spot, as it repeated that 'holy fuck, Aiba's still awake' mantra. He tried to breathe, but emotions suddenly seemed to rush up, preventing him to sound normal so he didn't say anything because he couldn’t trust his voice.
Aiba didn't follow up on his question. The emotions were draining Nino rapidly, throwing him into a restless sleep after half an hour of lying still, pretending he was already asleep. Halve way through the night he woke up; startled and alarmed that something was wrong. The weird dream he was having was still hazy before his mind's eye.
"Are you awake?" Aiba's voice sounded through the mist of sleep, closer to him than it should. Nino couldn't tell what was wrong, not with his mind spinning in circles between dreaming, waking and tripping alarms. He became more and more aware that he was lying curled up against his best friend, with his fist clenched around the fabric of Aiba's sleeping shirt. He uncurled his fingers slowly, backing off a little, and it dawned on him the state his body was in. The shock turned to embarrassment, turned to mortification.
Nino was lying on Aiba's arm, a leg between Aiba's, Nino's lower body pressed against his hip; there was no way Aiba could have missed the reaction in Nino's body. With Nino's movement to pull away, Aiba's arm came up to reach his shoulder and slit over to curl his fingers in Nino's strands of hair. Aiba didn't push him back, since Nino sought space, but he didn't let him escape all the easy either. They stared at each other for a moment until Nino looked away, not liking the intensity he found in the eyes of his friend. It was too confrontational. Aiba was too caring. And Nino too confused - again. He didn't like this feeling. It made him question so many things. It made him question a huge part of himself, and he didn't know if the answers would tumble his already shaky self worth. He questioned their friendship and if it would -
"Are you okay?" Aiba repeated the question when he first had come back from the bathroom. Suddenly Aiba sounded years older, but Nino doubted if his friend was that much more wiser.
"I don't want to talk," Nino said after a small moment of silence. His voice sounded reluctant.
"I didn’t ask if you wanted to talk. I just want to know what’s going on with you." For some reason Nino couldn’t explain Aiba seemed very conscious of what was going on.
"I don't know what you are thinking right now in this moment, or before when we were on my bed, but I think I know the extent of it. Are you ... Is this the first time you ..." Aiba sought for the words, but Nino shook his head in pure embarrassment that Aiba even wanted to ask, or worse assumed he didn’t have an erection before.
"Of course not, idiot," Nino almost spat out on the spot. Aiba didn’t looked convinced.
"I mean with a guy." To that Nino stayed quiet, pretty sure the quick fluster would speak for itself, convinced that even in the relative darkness Aiba could see it. His friend didn't reach out nor touched him any further than the fingers touching the base of his neck.
“You shouldn’t be afraid,” Nino heard his friend say, “I won’t do anything…” It felt like Aiba wanted to say more but didn’t know how to finish his sentence. “You can lie back if you want, I don’t mind.” Nino could barely hear him over the blood rushing sound in his ears.
“Why?” the question was out there before he really knew it, “Why don’t you mind? This is weird, right? Shouldn’t you be running for the door? For all accounts, I might be gay! Doesn’t that terrify you?” Because it terrified the hell out of him. He couldn’t be gay! He shouldn’t be gay. His mom would have a heart attack if she found out. He was suppose to marry a nice girl. Not some guy and live a creepy lifestyle and risk alienating everyone. Granted, the only one he could possibly alienate would be Aiba, who was looking very, very, calm considering what was going on.
“Terrified? Of you?” The question hung in the air and Aiba seemed to look genuinely surprised by what Nino was saying. “Should it matter if you are into guys instead of girls?” Nino was floored by the fact that Aiba was taking this all in with good spirits. They were fifteen, okay, Aiba almost sixteen, but that still didn’t warrant the fact that he was all okay with this. Because if the situation was reversed, Nino couldn’t say for sure if he could stay as calm and grounded as Aiba was right now. Maybe not, but Aiba was definitely weirding him out right now.
“How can you say that? Why don't you mind? I’d be running for the door if you were me.” Aiba smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Really? You’d leave me alone after I would tell you something like that? So, if I were to tell you that I like both guys and girls you’d be running away from me?”He paused and Nino just stayed where he was, frowning confused.
“Well, would you? I don't see you running.” No, but that was just because Nino was no sure how to take that. Was he serious? And when -
“I found out some time ago. That time I was really depressed, remember?” Yes, Nino did remember. He had tried really hard to cheer his friend up, and they just ended up having arguments - pretty bad ones in such a way that Nino was afraid of losing the only close friend he had.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I was having such a hard time dealing. Somewhere along the line I had a talk with my grandma and she told me the same things I’m telling you. It shouldn’t and doesn’t matter if you are anything, because you will still be you.”
“You like guys?” Nino asked stupidly to which Aiba nodded. “And girls,” he added, “So, I do know a little about how you are feeling.” Nino pulled out of Aiba’s reach and sat up, his arms crossing his knees in a protective way and he measured Aiba’s words for their truth.
“How do you know you like guys you’re never -” His mind stopped functioning. They only guy he had ever seen Aiba with was him or Satoshi. And the whole moaning his name thing was -
“Are you into me?” It seemed so far fetched, the words even tasting sour and he couldn’t keep the trace of contempt out of his voice.
“I’m not judging you, why are you judging me?” Good question.
“I’m not,” Nino lied, frowning, feeling everything he took for granted crumble away.
“You are! I’m no different than you! Judge yourself before you judge me!”
It was that moment they both seemed to realise that that was the problem. Aiba who had been leaning on his arms during their little argument flopped down on his back again.
“It can just be a thing, you know. You don’t have to be gay just because it happened to you just this once. But maybe if you can accept it from me, you can deal with it easier yourself. Besides, you’ve got me to talk to, so you are not on your own. Or you can go talk to my grandmother, I’m sure -
“If you breathe one word to her about this, I swear, I will kill you in your sleep.”
They both grinned after that. Sleep was weird that night. Nino made Aiba sleep in his own bed, even if it was all wet from the water that Nino had spilled on his back. Nino tossed and turned for the better part of an hour and against his better judgement he gave up trying and let his curiosity take over as he went to lie in Aiba’s bed - which indeed was wet. He tentatively touched Aiba’s side and let his finger slide gently down to his stomach as he laid closer. Those fingers were met with Aiba’s waiting hand who laced them together and just held it, pulling Nino closer than he actually had wanted to. Nino felt warm, his heart was beating so hard. His body felt sweaty and wanting. It was reacting to Aiba’s heat, his scent and just like that his mind seemed to board with what his body was discovering.
He pressed kisses between his shoulderblades and reveled in the sudden stiffness he found in his best friend. He was daring something he hadn’t been thinking ever about. How could he have? But this was all new, uncharted, and he dared - because this was Aiba, who wasn’t just anyone - he was he best friend, who understood something he didn’t understand himself. And in the quiet of night, the solitude of Aiba’s room he was venturing something which was undoubtedly going to have an impact on his self worth and the way he viewed himself. But this was not what he was thinking about right now. Nothing matter right now, except him touching and tasting Aiba’s skin against his lips. He could hear Aiba’s breath hitch, feel how he could adjust to what Nino was doing. Nino wanted to know if Aiba was as affected as he was feeling in this moment, wanted to know more then he probably should.
“Masaki?” He whispered his name even though it was pretty clear he wasn’t sleeping. Maybe he didn’t want to wake the grandparents, or maybe he didn’t want to voice out loud what he was going to ask.
“Just sleep, Kazu.” Even under Nino’s touch, Aiba’s voice had a sleepy almost dreamy note to it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Hm?”
Nino stayed silent after that thinking it over.
“Have you ever kissed someone?” Aiba moved to lie on his back and frowned up at Nino who was leaning slightly above him, resting his weight on his arms before sitting up creating some distance between them. The position seemed almost too intimate for comfort. Aiba sat up too after wondering about where Nino was going with his question.
“You know I have kissed girls before,” he answered truthfully, but Nino didn’t know if he was getting what he actually meant. Maybe he had kissed Ohno before and didn’t want to tell him. Maybe… - To shut his nagging brain up he just blurted out what he wanted to know.
“I meant guys.” But he couldn’t look him in the eyes, clarifying that. It took a while for Aiba to respond and in that time Nino couldn’t help but to look back at him to see if he had inadvertently crossed any lines. He was very much afraid that being the case.
Aiba how ever was smiling in a soft way as if he was thinking about cute little baby animals. It was the kind of smile that had Nino wondering if his friend was imagining them kissing in that moment. Maybe he was thinking of Satoshi instead, Nino’s mind told him, adding to the growing unrest that began settling in the pit of his stomach. This was stupid, he shouldn’t have asked. He just sat up straight and cradled his knees within his arms, making Aiba snap out of whatever he was thinking to eye Nino by the movement.
There seemed to be a whole lot that Aiba wanted to convey but at a loss for something to clever to say. The only thing crossing his lips, the growing blush aside, was a soft “I haven’t.”.
Nino’s heart had been slamming nonstop this entire time and he was wondering his it would get to the point it would just stop from exhaustion.
“Do - do you want to try?” Great, nice and romantic, his brain chastised, to which Nino began to wonder if guy were ever romantic together. Where they? Apart from a occasional yaoi/yuri that crossed his path, he had never stopped to think about that. Guys together was just weird, apart from the comic book fiction. But then again, how did one explain what was going on here?
“Do you?” Aiba returned the question. Nino shrugged shyly but swallowed whatever reservation his mind threw his way and leaned in closer. It was just worth it to see Aiba’s eyes grow wide in shock.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” his best friend asked him, staring at his mouth.
“No, you’ll be my first.” Nino grinned at what his mom had once told him, “My mom always said to find someone with experience.”
Aiba smiled at that, the weirdness a little shattered.
“Grandma says that the best kisses are slow ones,” Aiba hovered close to Nino’s face but didn’t cross the last bit into Nino’s space.
“You’re grandma should teach you it’s impolite to keep people waiting.”
There were smiles, gentle ones. In hindsight Nino couldn’t tell who bridged the last few centimeters. He could just remember the feel of his best friend’s lips on his; their taste, their warmth, how they seemed perfectly suited to put him at ease and at the same time put him on edge. The way Aiba kissed, even if Nino had no comparison, was something he loved right from the start. There was no pressure, nor haste. It was a perfect first kiss and somewhere Nino felt a tiny bit of envy he couldn’t be Aiba’s first kiss - even if he was the first guy Aiba had kissed.
The gentle exploration of each other’s mouths grew as minutes seemed to pass. Nino was the first to touch; his fingers running up Aiba’s arm, clutching in his shirt as he pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. The more Nino pulled, the more Aiba leaned into him, losing their balance as they tumbled on the bed; Nino underneath. Aiba broke the kiss for a second, just to stare down at him. Nino just pulled him closer again, letting his friend cover his body with his. Now his hands ran up Aiba’s shoulders, one curled between the strands of his hair and one running over Aiba’s back, pressing the bodies together.
It all happened fast, faster than it ought to be. But it felt right, it felt good to lose control, it even felt safe. Because in the end there was no one he trusted more than his best friend. Aiba moved, rubbing himself against Nino, their hard shafts grinding in his movement, the friction sending Nino to the stars. He bit his lip and arched his back a little, huffed contently barely able to control himself with the sensation. But was Aiba who made the low clingy noise, hiding his face in the crook of Nino’s neck, sounding strangely strangled as he moved again and became completely quiet, except for his breathing and pounding heart, which Nino could feel against his chest.
It took a moment for Nino to realise what had happened; Aiba had come. And in the mess of sensations he couldn’t pinpoint how he felt about it. On the one hand it was funny - Aiba becoming undone by kissing and just a few movements, on the other hand he was disappointed in how it all seem over now and he was left hanging. Was he supposed to -
“I’m sorry,” came Aiba’s soft hitching voice, interrupting his mind spin. Nino shrugged having no experience with these kind of situations - not that Aiba had any either, but what else was he supposed to do? Get angry because he didn’t get the chance to finish also?
“It’s okay,” Nino said trying to leave the disappointment out of his voice and failing the moment the words crossed his lips. If Aiba missed his tone of voice he certainly couldn’t miss the expression on his friend’s face.
“Is it?” questioned Aiba, the inexperience becoming all the more clear since he didn’t know what to do now either.
“Let’s just go to sleep.” Nino wanted to turn, more likely to turn away from his friend and face the misery on his own faking that he actually wanted to get some sleep - his mind was still processing and getting overloaded. But with Aiba’s hand on his chest, stopping him, he couldn’t really go anywhere.
“Are you sure?”
“Well what else do you want to do?” Nino sounded irritated, “Blow me?” There was a pause. The weirdness of it being said in their situation. The change in the expression of Aiba’s eyes.
“I can try if you want.”
Holy heck…. What?
Nino was at a loss to how to respond to that, but he couldn’t control the instant beating of his heart. So he just nodded, weirded out, curious as to what Aiba would do now. Surely he was just kidding, right? But as Aiba returned to kiss his lips he was less sure, but unable to stop him. The whole notion of it all, the feelings that seem to cause a constant overload had made him aching hard and harder still as Aiba continued to kiss and pull Nino’s shirt up to kiss and lick the skin of his chest.
“Are you sure you know what you are doing?” There was a hum from around his abdomen and he could feel a smile appear on Aiba’s lips against his burning flesh.
“I’ve seen girls do it in movies; how hard can it be?”
His underwear got tugged down and Nino was becoming beyond restless. And there was a sudden panicky voice yelling in his brain that not only was this hugely wrong - a voice he quickly tried to ignore - but it also yelled that he might do what Aiba did; come fast and without warning. He wanted to say something, but every thing he wanted to voice died on his lips when he felt Aiba’s tongue run over his hardened member.
It felt soft, his tongue. The reaction felt like electricity, making a mess of his already erratic breath as he clutched the sheet below him with both hands, not wanting to come on the spot. The moan escaping him made him feel embarrassed; it sounded vulgar and wanting, not to mention way to loud in the silence of Aiba’s room.
He didn’t last; the second Aiba closed his lips around the head of Nino’s hard cock, the sensation was too much. Nino came on the spot and shot his load right into Aiba’s mouth, who was pretty shocked by the unexpectedness of it all, making choking noises as he quickly let go. He heaved and spat out what he still had in his mouth on Nino’s stomach.
“Aw shit, Nino, that’s … oh my god, yuk!”
But Aiba was not one to turn down experiments, and whatever started that night grew into something precious in the course of a year. Sex entered the equation, which took quite some figuring out with questions as to who would top, and how the heck was it supposed to be fun and pleasurable when it hurt so much? Between moments of pain and arguments on the subject; there were more moments of laughter and weird attempts to get to know each other’s bodies in new and exciting ways. In short, they had fun discovering this side of them, even if they didn’t define their relationship as dating or going steady; it was just a natural part of their friendship.
Whereas it was known that Aiba was Bisexual and sometimes just acted on that notion; Nino couldn’t face up to the possibility that he could be in fact gay. He tried to ignore it and after getting into a huge fight with Aiba over it, they both decided to leave that be for the time being - they were young after all and Aiba was sure Nino would come around and accept it for what it was.
Just seventeen; Because it’s your fault it happened at all
It was their secret, theirs alone. There were hidden touches and glances. But they were careful - they had to be. Nino was sure Aiba went along with hiding it just for his sake alone. If it was Aiba’s call he would’ve yelled it from the rooftops. He would’ve thrown a party to celebrate their one year anniversary of being intimate.
But Nino was still not sure this was what was right. His mom told him time and time again that he entered the age to find a nice girl. Surely there were nice girls at his school, or at his college. But he didn’t find the girls there to his liking, nor did his interest in guys leaped exponentially after being with Aiba for so long.
But maybe it was just because he had Aiba that he didn’t feel the need to go out and broaden his horizon. Aiba still saw girls on the side, just because he found them fun to be with. He was growing in his self awareness, his self esteem; but never once did he feel like he was losing Aiba to someone else. And he trusted the fact that Aiba was his.
They met at Nino’s house just as often as they were at Aiba’s. But at Nino’s the rules went out the window. Nino’s mom was usually at work and not home till very late. Nino’s sister was nowhere to be found - and as they had the whole house to themselves there was no need to be as quiet as they had to be at Aiba’s where his grandparents were at home pretty much all the time.
The coffeeshop still remained their favourite hang out where they enjoyed their hot chocolate, cold shakes and sweets. And it was at a rainy, but sunny afternoon that Aiba’s grandmother came to sit with them on a slow day at the shop and ask them about their school projects and choices. They were heading in opposite directions; Aiba was off to do learn Zoo-ology and Nino had found there was something else he loved besides gaming and Aiba - making music. So he was joining the very few who got accepted into the Conservatorium.
Nino remembered that day as no other. The simple, but covered smile Aiba casted him as they talked about their possible futures.
“Can I ask something?” Aiba’s grandmother asked sipping her coffee and coming right to the point of her inquiry, “Are you guys dating?”
The shock of the question first registered on Aiba; Nino could see his mouth drop open and visually got a lot paler before looking from his gran to Nino. Nino, however, was not so much shocked as that he felt betrayed. Because how could Aiba grandmother have known, if Aiba hadn’t said anything. So he must have said something!
“I’m not trying to pry or anything, I was just wondering,” the grandmother told them. Even if she was smiling sweetly, Nino could feel nothing but deceit coming from the both of them. “I know where Aiba’s interest lie,” she said patting Aiba’s hand who quickly redrew it staring between the two of them, “I was just wondering about you, Nino-kun. Are you like Masaki, or just interested in guys?”
“Grandmother!” Aiba finally blurted out a little too loud, “You can’t ask that. Especially here!”
“I can’t believe you told her,” Nino said in a normal tone, spiked with hurt around the edges.
“I didn’t!” came the reply. Aiba looked legitimately hurt that Nino would think he’d talk when he had promised he wouldn’t. Surly Nino would know him better than that?
“You did! How else does she know?”
“How should I know? I didn’t tell her! I didn’t tell her anything!”
The grandma looked confused and clearly began to think she shouldn’t have asked seeing the drama unfold before her eyes.
“I don’t believe this! I don’t believe you. I trusted you!”
“Nino! I didn’t tell her!”
But Nino didn’t listen, not even when Aiba’s grandmother began to apologize and tell him Aiba hadn’t told her anything he seemed so upset about. He just grabbed his things and stormed out.
He wasn’t even passed the shop when Aiba caught hold of his arm and wouldn’t let go no matter how much he janked it back.
“Let go, Aiba!”
“No!! Not until you listen. I don’t know how she found out, Nino. You have to believe me. I’d rather die than talk to her about it. I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t! Why can’t you believe me?”
“She practically called me gay! I cannot be gay. I refuse to be gay!”
“Then what are you if not gay?” Aiba yelled letting go of Nino, “If you are not into guys, not into girls - then what are you into?”
I’m into you. But the words stayed where they were inside his mind, where he locked most of his inner thoughts. But he couldn’t face them, not yet.
“Nino…” Aiba tried again, reaching out. Nino backed away and turned around.
“Leave me alone!” he just gave back before taking off running.
Continue to Part 2
Teen And Up Audiences
Relationship:
Aiba Masaki/Ninomiya Kazunari
Community:
arashi_exchange / Nino fanfic exchange
Summary:
Nino has always been a bit troubled. His mom wants him to find a nice girlfriend when he grows up, but Nino doesn't seem to be interested in love at all. Let's follow Nino on a path of self discovery and see where it takes us!
Just twelve and here you are
The mom, who sat a few tables away from him, nodded as her son told her about the drawing he had just made. The shopping bags near her feet surrounding her chair indicated they had been on a shopping spree. The son indicated several things about his drawing and the woman absorbed every bit of information he provided. They joked and grinned to each other. The son with the longish hair had a gentle smile and his eyes beamed as he looked up to his mum. It was a feeling Nino shared, as he watched them interact, swinging his feet underneath his chair and sipping his chilled chocolate shake.
The small coffee shop near the station was a home away from home to Nino. He came here hiding from school life, hiding from his personal life. Here it was as if nothing else mattered. And it was here he had seen the boy and his mum for the first time. They came ever so often and seemed totally devoted to each other. In the beginning it had made Nino feel envious; he missed that kind of attention from his mum. He knew why she worked so hard, to the point she was hardly home, but that didn't make it any easier. He wished he could trade her to the one Satoshi had. He had overheard them numerous times and learned their names by heart. The Ohno family. Satoshi probably didn't know how lucky he was having his mom by his side like that.
But Nino knew. He had watched them as he sat alone enjoying his cold drink. The envy had long since dissipated. It had been substituted for a longing to be part of their family; the attention, the laughter, the feeling of being loved. It wasn't that he wasn't loved, but what he got at home was nothing like what Satoshi seemed to receive out in public. He seemed to really glow from all the praise, while Nino... Nino couldn't remember the last time he beamed from something his mom had said about him or done for him. So, Nino beamed when there was a new game out, when he finally had beaten the highest levels of it, or when his favourite manga series had a new continuation, or even when there was a day he wasn't bullied at school - which sadly weren’t too many.
"Would you like another?" The question was posed by a woman with greying hair and a friendly smile. Her eyes conveyed her kindness. She could be his grandmother, she just was that old. And she was also the owner of the coffee house he frequented. He smiled at her and shook his head. His couldn't really afford another one with his allowance that he just spend on the new game he looked forward to playing. The woman smiled back at him, came a little closer as she whispered: "What if I told you it was on the house?"
Nino looked a bit incredulous and then sceptical. He wasn't offered free stuff all that much and it was in his experience there were usually very nasty strings attached to such offers, so he shook his head again. The woman shrugged and walked away again.
Nino glanced back to the Ohno's, to notice the piercing look he received from the boy. He was older than Nino was, and if Nino had overheard things correctly, he was part of Johnny's Entertainment. He was doing stage plays in Kyoto. Nino thought it was rather stupid to do stage plays - who in their right minds would ever go to see something like that? It seemed boring to him. As he pondered the thought of acting in a play, the door to the shop slammed open, sending the doorbell into a ringing frenzy, and a boy came bustling in - a blast of smiles and energy as he yelled his 'I'm home' greeting throughout the shop. He ran behind the counter and jumped nearly on the owner while receiving ‘nice to have you back’ from the customers.
"Masaki-kun! You nearly startled me a heart attack!" The words sounded fond instead of chastising and the buy just smiled broadly hugging her in his enthusiasm.
"I'm home," he clarified happily once more.
"Welcome back, sweetness," the owner said, pressing a soft kiss on top of his head.
Nino watched the exchange from his seat. Must be nice to belong to a tight family, he mused sipping the last of his chocolate shake, diverting his eyes before he was caught staring. Ohno and his mum were leaving, he noticed. His mom paid the bill while Satoshi stood a little awkward with all the bags in his hands near their table. Their eyes crossed each other and Nino felt inclined to make some sort of gesture, though he didn't know what. But that was before Aiba hugged him from the side, wrapping him up in his embrace whispering 'I'm home' in his ear. Nino shoved him aside.
"Baka! I already saw that you are home. Heck the whole shop knows you're home!" Aiba just smiled radiantly and unfazed as he took the seat beside him and moved close enough that Nino actually felt a little crowded.
"Don't be mean, Nino. I brought gifts!" Aiba presented him with another chocolate shake and Nino immediately sought for Aiba's grandmother who pointedly looked away. Nino huffed, but swapped his empty glass for the full one. Aiba hummed contently.
"How was school?" he inquired knowing Nino had a hard time there. Nino shrugged and kept quiet. Aiba briefly looked at him before looking away.
"Yours?" Nino asked, with half the interest he should have had.
"Same old," his friend said which didn’t sound any better.
Nino and Aiba had bonded a little less than a year ago over chocolate shakes he couldn’t afford. He wanted to sneak away without paying when Masaki, who had been standing at Satoshi’s table to watch him draw, had stopped him and alerted his grandmother.
When she had made him do the dishes to compensate all the shakes he drank Aiba had come around to help him and they started talking about the latest manga and anime. It didn’t take long to figure out the two were similar and at the same time very different from each other.
Where Aiba was very shy, Nino could be very brash, but where Nino lacked the courage to do something, Aiba would be the one to pull them through. They both had a tough time in their respective schools. Nino didn’t talk much about it in the beginning and Aiba thought he was very popular at his and didn’t want to mention it because Aiba had no real friends. He didn’t know how much he was wrong when Nino came one day with scratches and bruises on his face.
It marked the day they argued for the first time (because friends tell each other everything and Nino was keeping this a secret) and it markes one of the few days Nino would ever let his guard down enough to cry out of desperation when Aiba wasn’t backing down until he had uncovered the whole truth. It marked the first day where Aiba had truly hugged someone he cared about - other than his family - and cried with them. It was the first day Nino had ever received such a hug from anyone other than his mom. In short, it marked the day that they truly became best friends and each other’s strength.
Barely fifteen; How am I supposed to react to you now?
"I will ask if you can stay over!" Aiba jumped up and dashed out of his room before Nino could even stop him. They still had time for Nino to catch the last train. And even if Nino enjoyed Aiba's company more than anything, he didn't really want to spend the night. He didn't want a repeat of a few weeks ago, where he had heard Aiba moan his name in his sleep. He knew Aiba talked in his sleep on occasion - he had heard his fair amount of it - but that was really pushing it. He really wanted to tease Aiba with it and he would have if it had been any other name than his. And even though Aiba remained and was just Aiba, all the touching and closeness came with a new meaning to it, without Nino wanting it to.
Sighing Nino ran out of Aiba's room to stop him, just to see Aiba slip and slide down the wooden staircase as some blue, furry, stuffed bear on it's back. Just a few steps from the floor Aiba's fall came to a stop. There was a full second of silence before Nino's best friend started sobbing and his grandparents came to see what the fuss was about. By that time, Nino had already made his way down trying to console his friend as best as he could.
After that things became very dramatic. Aiba needed to strip so his grandmother could survey the damage and rub Aiba’s wounds with some lotion she had on hand. Nino missed his last train and needed to call his mom. Aiba sobbed most of the part and Nino didn’t know what to do but take the lecture of the grandfather about playing on the stairs to heart - even if they hadn’t been playing up there at all. Aiba threw him apologetic glances and Nino shrugged in return.
...
"It burns," Aiba whispers, "It hurts so badly." He was lying on his bed, topless, letting the air and his grandma's ointment do their work. "Nino, are you a sleep?" Nino groaned slightly.
"How can anyone be asleep with your whining," he muttered in the same hushed tone Aiba used.
"Help me get rid of whatever she put on my back. It stings like a troop of fire ants. Please, Nino."
"Will you stop complaining if I help?" Nino turned on his futon to put the light on on the small bedstand; a little Totoro image lit up on the ceiling. It was childish, but Aiba was fond of it - and it was one of the few things he didn't allow Nino to make a mockery off, even if Nino was the one who got it for his birthday two years ago. Nino had become quite fond of it himself, but he would die first before admitting that to anyone. "How do you want to get rid of it? Can't you just go take a shower?"
"I'm hurting all over and you want me to walk around? That's pretty heartless, Nino!"
"You made me miss my train! My mom is angry with me because you fell down the stairs!"
"I didn't do it on purpose!"
There was a small bit of electricity burning between them as they stared at each other; Nino on his knees on his spare futon and Aiba still lying on his stomach on his bed. Nino sighed, turning his gaze elsewhere. "So how do you want me to help?"
"Wash it off my back, I don't know, just get it off. The itching and pain is driving me insane. Do something! Please Nino!"
Nino got up. He was only wearing underwear and an oversized yellow t-shirt with a faded image of Vegeta on it. He found his way very quietly into the family bathroom where he drenched a wash cloth and took a towel back with him to the bedroom. Out of some spite, but more out of humour he just dropped the cold wet cloth on Aiba's back, who shivered on impact and cast Nino a condemning look. Nino smirked and shrugged, like he was saying 'What? It's your own fault, baka.' But as he viewed Aiba's red and angry looking skin he got some doubts. How was he supposed to -
"Hurry up," Aiba hissed, his voice strained. And so, without thinking about it, Nino climbed on top of Aiba and started gently washing the ointment from his friend. Aiba cursed a few times when Nino's movement caused him pain, silent complaints followed them, muffled some more into the pillow. Nino kept moving his cloth. Up and down few times, turning it, using the other side. Aiba became quieter with every stroke, but Nino didn't quite noticed it. He was too busy noticing how his hands tended to Aiba's sore skin, how the muscles played under his administrations, how he turned warm from touching him, how his breath became more shallow and quicker. After a while he wasn't just washing the ointment away - by all accounts it was gone or very much diluted - Nino was just tracing imaginary patterns on Aiba's back, using the whole as his canvas. It wasn't just the cloth rubbing over Aiba's skin, Nino let the fingers of his other hand dance along it. He had gently and quite covertly pushed part of Aiba's slacks down to bare a little more skin, the onset of his behind. It wasn't until he innocently brushed his fingers against the exposed skin there and rubbed them accidentally against his crotch which gave him quite the shock of realisation he was getting hard sitting on top of his friend.
He stilled in his actions, confused, feeling a bead of sweat drip down his spine as he sat up straight, frowning. While he pondered what was happening, Aiba leaned up. Nino didn't know what his intention was, but in a panic immediately pushed him down again, with both hands on his shoulders. In doing so, Nino automatically leaned forward, making contact between Aiba's ass and the part of his body which was so much harder than it was supposed to be. Nino bit his lip, not wanting to voice out the sudden electricity that shot through him, but it was Aiba who moaned; even if it was smothered halve into the pillow he could clearly hear it. Nino forgot to breathe for a few seconds, staying in that position out of shock before he hastily let go and got of the bed. He practically ran to the bathroom, locked it and stared at the door as if he couldn't trust the lock, feeling terrified Aiba would come after him.
He took a moment to catch his breath, noticing how fast his heart was racing. He turned around a few times, not knowing what to do or how to respond to this weird feeling that had him riled up. He was hard, and he looked miserably at the tent in his underwear. How the hell did this happen? He couldn't wrap his mind around it. Wasn't this suppose to happen with a girl? How did this happen with a guy? With his best friend even? Nino’s mind kept throwing questions at him without providing an answer. And between all the chaos growing inside his head, which forced him to sit down on the bathtub's edge and hold it tight, it somehow began to dawn on him that Masaki had reacted to his stupid action. It became quiet in his mind for just a moment to let it sink in. He could still hear it; the soft sound muffled in the pillow. What was probably worse was that the memory still played around his haywire thoughts and his body reacted to it. His body reacted all on it's own to the sound of his best friend's murmur. It left him shocked be he couldn’t find the answer to the question of why.
Nino returned to the bedroom. He didn’t know how much time had passed, how long he had been hiding in the bedroom. He felt reluctant to go back to the bedroom, but he couldn’t very well spend the night in the bathroom, could he? The lights were off, Aiba was still in bed, pretty much as Nino had left him when he ran out. He looked like he was sound asleep, but even the relative safety did nothing good for Nino's heart rate which spiked up. And after he had gone through so much trouble of getting it to slow down in the solitude of the bathroom walls. He blamed everything on the quiet in the room, the tension of not wanting to wake Aiba up.
His battle plan for the night was to sleep and get the hell out first thing in the morning to sort out whatever was going on with him. He still couldn't make heads nor tails of it and it scared him as much as it worried him. But without the proper answers he was going stir crazy.
He lay underneath the covers, deep enough to almost disappear, leaving just a small bit of blanket open so he could get the much needed air without suffocating to death. He breathed quietly, willing his respiration to sound normal, willing his heart to slow the heck down again and let the peacefulness within the room drift him to sleep. His brain however was overactive, his ears tuned into every freaking sound it picked up and his body was so tense with everything it actually began to hurt - Nino knew he was facing a rough night.
"Are you okay?"
Nino's heart stopped, just a fraction of a second, before slamming in all its might against his ribs. His brain short-circuited preventing him from answering on the spot, as it repeated that 'holy fuck, Aiba's still awake' mantra. He tried to breathe, but emotions suddenly seemed to rush up, preventing him to sound normal so he didn't say anything because he couldn’t trust his voice.
Aiba didn't follow up on his question. The emotions were draining Nino rapidly, throwing him into a restless sleep after half an hour of lying still, pretending he was already asleep. Halve way through the night he woke up; startled and alarmed that something was wrong. The weird dream he was having was still hazy before his mind's eye.
"Are you awake?" Aiba's voice sounded through the mist of sleep, closer to him than it should. Nino couldn't tell what was wrong, not with his mind spinning in circles between dreaming, waking and tripping alarms. He became more and more aware that he was lying curled up against his best friend, with his fist clenched around the fabric of Aiba's sleeping shirt. He uncurled his fingers slowly, backing off a little, and it dawned on him the state his body was in. The shock turned to embarrassment, turned to mortification.
Nino was lying on Aiba's arm, a leg between Aiba's, Nino's lower body pressed against his hip; there was no way Aiba could have missed the reaction in Nino's body. With Nino's movement to pull away, Aiba's arm came up to reach his shoulder and slit over to curl his fingers in Nino's strands of hair. Aiba didn't push him back, since Nino sought space, but he didn't let him escape all the easy either. They stared at each other for a moment until Nino looked away, not liking the intensity he found in the eyes of his friend. It was too confrontational. Aiba was too caring. And Nino too confused - again. He didn't like this feeling. It made him question so many things. It made him question a huge part of himself, and he didn't know if the answers would tumble his already shaky self worth. He questioned their friendship and if it would -
"Are you okay?" Aiba repeated the question when he first had come back from the bathroom. Suddenly Aiba sounded years older, but Nino doubted if his friend was that much more wiser.
"I don't want to talk," Nino said after a small moment of silence. His voice sounded reluctant.
"I didn’t ask if you wanted to talk. I just want to know what’s going on with you." For some reason Nino couldn’t explain Aiba seemed very conscious of what was going on.
"I don't know what you are thinking right now in this moment, or before when we were on my bed, but I think I know the extent of it. Are you ... Is this the first time you ..." Aiba sought for the words, but Nino shook his head in pure embarrassment that Aiba even wanted to ask, or worse assumed he didn’t have an erection before.
"Of course not, idiot," Nino almost spat out on the spot. Aiba didn’t looked convinced.
"I mean with a guy." To that Nino stayed quiet, pretty sure the quick fluster would speak for itself, convinced that even in the relative darkness Aiba could see it. His friend didn't reach out nor touched him any further than the fingers touching the base of his neck.
“You shouldn’t be afraid,” Nino heard his friend say, “I won’t do anything…” It felt like Aiba wanted to say more but didn’t know how to finish his sentence. “You can lie back if you want, I don’t mind.” Nino could barely hear him over the blood rushing sound in his ears.
“Why?” the question was out there before he really knew it, “Why don’t you mind? This is weird, right? Shouldn’t you be running for the door? For all accounts, I might be gay! Doesn’t that terrify you?” Because it terrified the hell out of him. He couldn’t be gay! He shouldn’t be gay. His mom would have a heart attack if she found out. He was suppose to marry a nice girl. Not some guy and live a creepy lifestyle and risk alienating everyone. Granted, the only one he could possibly alienate would be Aiba, who was looking very, very, calm considering what was going on.
“Terrified? Of you?” The question hung in the air and Aiba seemed to look genuinely surprised by what Nino was saying. “Should it matter if you are into guys instead of girls?” Nino was floored by the fact that Aiba was taking this all in with good spirits. They were fifteen, okay, Aiba almost sixteen, but that still didn’t warrant the fact that he was all okay with this. Because if the situation was reversed, Nino couldn’t say for sure if he could stay as calm and grounded as Aiba was right now. Maybe not, but Aiba was definitely weirding him out right now.
“How can you say that? Why don't you mind? I’d be running for the door if you were me.” Aiba smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Really? You’d leave me alone after I would tell you something like that? So, if I were to tell you that I like both guys and girls you’d be running away from me?”He paused and Nino just stayed where he was, frowning confused.
“Well, would you? I don't see you running.” No, but that was just because Nino was no sure how to take that. Was he serious? And when -
“I found out some time ago. That time I was really depressed, remember?” Yes, Nino did remember. He had tried really hard to cheer his friend up, and they just ended up having arguments - pretty bad ones in such a way that Nino was afraid of losing the only close friend he had.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I was having such a hard time dealing. Somewhere along the line I had a talk with my grandma and she told me the same things I’m telling you. It shouldn’t and doesn’t matter if you are anything, because you will still be you.”
“You like guys?” Nino asked stupidly to which Aiba nodded. “And girls,” he added, “So, I do know a little about how you are feeling.” Nino pulled out of Aiba’s reach and sat up, his arms crossing his knees in a protective way and he measured Aiba’s words for their truth.
“How do you know you like guys you’re never -” His mind stopped functioning. They only guy he had ever seen Aiba with was him or Satoshi. And the whole moaning his name thing was -
“Are you into me?” It seemed so far fetched, the words even tasting sour and he couldn’t keep the trace of contempt out of his voice.
“I’m not judging you, why are you judging me?” Good question.
“I’m not,” Nino lied, frowning, feeling everything he took for granted crumble away.
“You are! I’m no different than you! Judge yourself before you judge me!”
It was that moment they both seemed to realise that that was the problem. Aiba who had been leaning on his arms during their little argument flopped down on his back again.
“It can just be a thing, you know. You don’t have to be gay just because it happened to you just this once. But maybe if you can accept it from me, you can deal with it easier yourself. Besides, you’ve got me to talk to, so you are not on your own. Or you can go talk to my grandmother, I’m sure -
“If you breathe one word to her about this, I swear, I will kill you in your sleep.”
They both grinned after that. Sleep was weird that night. Nino made Aiba sleep in his own bed, even if it was all wet from the water that Nino had spilled on his back. Nino tossed and turned for the better part of an hour and against his better judgement he gave up trying and let his curiosity take over as he went to lie in Aiba’s bed - which indeed was wet. He tentatively touched Aiba’s side and let his finger slide gently down to his stomach as he laid closer. Those fingers were met with Aiba’s waiting hand who laced them together and just held it, pulling Nino closer than he actually had wanted to. Nino felt warm, his heart was beating so hard. His body felt sweaty and wanting. It was reacting to Aiba’s heat, his scent and just like that his mind seemed to board with what his body was discovering.
He pressed kisses between his shoulderblades and reveled in the sudden stiffness he found in his best friend. He was daring something he hadn’t been thinking ever about. How could he have? But this was all new, uncharted, and he dared - because this was Aiba, who wasn’t just anyone - he was he best friend, who understood something he didn’t understand himself. And in the quiet of night, the solitude of Aiba’s room he was venturing something which was undoubtedly going to have an impact on his self worth and the way he viewed himself. But this was not what he was thinking about right now. Nothing matter right now, except him touching and tasting Aiba’s skin against his lips. He could hear Aiba’s breath hitch, feel how he could adjust to what Nino was doing. Nino wanted to know if Aiba was as affected as he was feeling in this moment, wanted to know more then he probably should.
“Masaki?” He whispered his name even though it was pretty clear he wasn’t sleeping. Maybe he didn’t want to wake the grandparents, or maybe he didn’t want to voice out loud what he was going to ask.
“Just sleep, Kazu.” Even under Nino’s touch, Aiba’s voice had a sleepy almost dreamy note to it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Hm?”
Nino stayed silent after that thinking it over.
“Have you ever kissed someone?” Aiba moved to lie on his back and frowned up at Nino who was leaning slightly above him, resting his weight on his arms before sitting up creating some distance between them. The position seemed almost too intimate for comfort. Aiba sat up too after wondering about where Nino was going with his question.
“You know I have kissed girls before,” he answered truthfully, but Nino didn’t know if he was getting what he actually meant. Maybe he had kissed Ohno before and didn’t want to tell him. Maybe… - To shut his nagging brain up he just blurted out what he wanted to know.
“I meant guys.” But he couldn’t look him in the eyes, clarifying that. It took a while for Aiba to respond and in that time Nino couldn’t help but to look back at him to see if he had inadvertently crossed any lines. He was very much afraid that being the case.
Aiba how ever was smiling in a soft way as if he was thinking about cute little baby animals. It was the kind of smile that had Nino wondering if his friend was imagining them kissing in that moment. Maybe he was thinking of Satoshi instead, Nino’s mind told him, adding to the growing unrest that began settling in the pit of his stomach. This was stupid, he shouldn’t have asked. He just sat up straight and cradled his knees within his arms, making Aiba snap out of whatever he was thinking to eye Nino by the movement.
There seemed to be a whole lot that Aiba wanted to convey but at a loss for something to clever to say. The only thing crossing his lips, the growing blush aside, was a soft “I haven’t.”.
Nino’s heart had been slamming nonstop this entire time and he was wondering his it would get to the point it would just stop from exhaustion.
“Do - do you want to try?” Great, nice and romantic, his brain chastised, to which Nino began to wonder if guy were ever romantic together. Where they? Apart from a occasional yaoi/yuri that crossed his path, he had never stopped to think about that. Guys together was just weird, apart from the comic book fiction. But then again, how did one explain what was going on here?
“Do you?” Aiba returned the question. Nino shrugged shyly but swallowed whatever reservation his mind threw his way and leaned in closer. It was just worth it to see Aiba’s eyes grow wide in shock.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” his best friend asked him, staring at his mouth.
“No, you’ll be my first.” Nino grinned at what his mom had once told him, “My mom always said to find someone with experience.”
Aiba smiled at that, the weirdness a little shattered.
“Grandma says that the best kisses are slow ones,” Aiba hovered close to Nino’s face but didn’t cross the last bit into Nino’s space.
“You’re grandma should teach you it’s impolite to keep people waiting.”
There were smiles, gentle ones. In hindsight Nino couldn’t tell who bridged the last few centimeters. He could just remember the feel of his best friend’s lips on his; their taste, their warmth, how they seemed perfectly suited to put him at ease and at the same time put him on edge. The way Aiba kissed, even if Nino had no comparison, was something he loved right from the start. There was no pressure, nor haste. It was a perfect first kiss and somewhere Nino felt a tiny bit of envy he couldn’t be Aiba’s first kiss - even if he was the first guy Aiba had kissed.
The gentle exploration of each other’s mouths grew as minutes seemed to pass. Nino was the first to touch; his fingers running up Aiba’s arm, clutching in his shirt as he pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. The more Nino pulled, the more Aiba leaned into him, losing their balance as they tumbled on the bed; Nino underneath. Aiba broke the kiss for a second, just to stare down at him. Nino just pulled him closer again, letting his friend cover his body with his. Now his hands ran up Aiba’s shoulders, one curled between the strands of his hair and one running over Aiba’s back, pressing the bodies together.
It all happened fast, faster than it ought to be. But it felt right, it felt good to lose control, it even felt safe. Because in the end there was no one he trusted more than his best friend. Aiba moved, rubbing himself against Nino, their hard shafts grinding in his movement, the friction sending Nino to the stars. He bit his lip and arched his back a little, huffed contently barely able to control himself with the sensation. But was Aiba who made the low clingy noise, hiding his face in the crook of Nino’s neck, sounding strangely strangled as he moved again and became completely quiet, except for his breathing and pounding heart, which Nino could feel against his chest.
It took a moment for Nino to realise what had happened; Aiba had come. And in the mess of sensations he couldn’t pinpoint how he felt about it. On the one hand it was funny - Aiba becoming undone by kissing and just a few movements, on the other hand he was disappointed in how it all seem over now and he was left hanging. Was he supposed to -
“I’m sorry,” came Aiba’s soft hitching voice, interrupting his mind spin. Nino shrugged having no experience with these kind of situations - not that Aiba had any either, but what else was he supposed to do? Get angry because he didn’t get the chance to finish also?
“It’s okay,” Nino said trying to leave the disappointment out of his voice and failing the moment the words crossed his lips. If Aiba missed his tone of voice he certainly couldn’t miss the expression on his friend’s face.
“Is it?” questioned Aiba, the inexperience becoming all the more clear since he didn’t know what to do now either.
“Let’s just go to sleep.” Nino wanted to turn, more likely to turn away from his friend and face the misery on his own faking that he actually wanted to get some sleep - his mind was still processing and getting overloaded. But with Aiba’s hand on his chest, stopping him, he couldn’t really go anywhere.
“Are you sure?”
“Well what else do you want to do?” Nino sounded irritated, “Blow me?” There was a pause. The weirdness of it being said in their situation. The change in the expression of Aiba’s eyes.
“I can try if you want.”
Holy heck…. What?
Nino was at a loss to how to respond to that, but he couldn’t control the instant beating of his heart. So he just nodded, weirded out, curious as to what Aiba would do now. Surely he was just kidding, right? But as Aiba returned to kiss his lips he was less sure, but unable to stop him. The whole notion of it all, the feelings that seem to cause a constant overload had made him aching hard and harder still as Aiba continued to kiss and pull Nino’s shirt up to kiss and lick the skin of his chest.
“Are you sure you know what you are doing?” There was a hum from around his abdomen and he could feel a smile appear on Aiba’s lips against his burning flesh.
“I’ve seen girls do it in movies; how hard can it be?”
His underwear got tugged down and Nino was becoming beyond restless. And there was a sudden panicky voice yelling in his brain that not only was this hugely wrong - a voice he quickly tried to ignore - but it also yelled that he might do what Aiba did; come fast and without warning. He wanted to say something, but every thing he wanted to voice died on his lips when he felt Aiba’s tongue run over his hardened member.
It felt soft, his tongue. The reaction felt like electricity, making a mess of his already erratic breath as he clutched the sheet below him with both hands, not wanting to come on the spot. The moan escaping him made him feel embarrassed; it sounded vulgar and wanting, not to mention way to loud in the silence of Aiba’s room.
He didn’t last; the second Aiba closed his lips around the head of Nino’s hard cock, the sensation was too much. Nino came on the spot and shot his load right into Aiba’s mouth, who was pretty shocked by the unexpectedness of it all, making choking noises as he quickly let go. He heaved and spat out what he still had in his mouth on Nino’s stomach.
“Aw shit, Nino, that’s … oh my god, yuk!”
But Aiba was not one to turn down experiments, and whatever started that night grew into something precious in the course of a year. Sex entered the equation, which took quite some figuring out with questions as to who would top, and how the heck was it supposed to be fun and pleasurable when it hurt so much? Between moments of pain and arguments on the subject; there were more moments of laughter and weird attempts to get to know each other’s bodies in new and exciting ways. In short, they had fun discovering this side of them, even if they didn’t define their relationship as dating or going steady; it was just a natural part of their friendship.
Whereas it was known that Aiba was Bisexual and sometimes just acted on that notion; Nino couldn’t face up to the possibility that he could be in fact gay. He tried to ignore it and after getting into a huge fight with Aiba over it, they both decided to leave that be for the time being - they were young after all and Aiba was sure Nino would come around and accept it for what it was.
Just seventeen; Because it’s your fault it happened at all
It was their secret, theirs alone. There were hidden touches and glances. But they were careful - they had to be. Nino was sure Aiba went along with hiding it just for his sake alone. If it was Aiba’s call he would’ve yelled it from the rooftops. He would’ve thrown a party to celebrate their one year anniversary of being intimate.
But Nino was still not sure this was what was right. His mom told him time and time again that he entered the age to find a nice girl. Surely there were nice girls at his school, or at his college. But he didn’t find the girls there to his liking, nor did his interest in guys leaped exponentially after being with Aiba for so long.
But maybe it was just because he had Aiba that he didn’t feel the need to go out and broaden his horizon. Aiba still saw girls on the side, just because he found them fun to be with. He was growing in his self awareness, his self esteem; but never once did he feel like he was losing Aiba to someone else. And he trusted the fact that Aiba was his.
They met at Nino’s house just as often as they were at Aiba’s. But at Nino’s the rules went out the window. Nino’s mom was usually at work and not home till very late. Nino’s sister was nowhere to be found - and as they had the whole house to themselves there was no need to be as quiet as they had to be at Aiba’s where his grandparents were at home pretty much all the time.
The coffeeshop still remained their favourite hang out where they enjoyed their hot chocolate, cold shakes and sweets. And it was at a rainy, but sunny afternoon that Aiba’s grandmother came to sit with them on a slow day at the shop and ask them about their school projects and choices. They were heading in opposite directions; Aiba was off to do learn Zoo-ology and Nino had found there was something else he loved besides gaming and Aiba - making music. So he was joining the very few who got accepted into the Conservatorium.
Nino remembered that day as no other. The simple, but covered smile Aiba casted him as they talked about their possible futures.
“Can I ask something?” Aiba’s grandmother asked sipping her coffee and coming right to the point of her inquiry, “Are you guys dating?”
The shock of the question first registered on Aiba; Nino could see his mouth drop open and visually got a lot paler before looking from his gran to Nino. Nino, however, was not so much shocked as that he felt betrayed. Because how could Aiba grandmother have known, if Aiba hadn’t said anything. So he must have said something!
“I’m not trying to pry or anything, I was just wondering,” the grandmother told them. Even if she was smiling sweetly, Nino could feel nothing but deceit coming from the both of them. “I know where Aiba’s interest lie,” she said patting Aiba’s hand who quickly redrew it staring between the two of them, “I was just wondering about you, Nino-kun. Are you like Masaki, or just interested in guys?”
“Grandmother!” Aiba finally blurted out a little too loud, “You can’t ask that. Especially here!”
“I can’t believe you told her,” Nino said in a normal tone, spiked with hurt around the edges.
“I didn’t!” came the reply. Aiba looked legitimately hurt that Nino would think he’d talk when he had promised he wouldn’t. Surly Nino would know him better than that?
“You did! How else does she know?”
“How should I know? I didn’t tell her! I didn’t tell her anything!”
The grandma looked confused and clearly began to think she shouldn’t have asked seeing the drama unfold before her eyes.
“I don’t believe this! I don’t believe you. I trusted you!”
“Nino! I didn’t tell her!”
But Nino didn’t listen, not even when Aiba’s grandmother began to apologize and tell him Aiba hadn’t told her anything he seemed so upset about. He just grabbed his things and stormed out.
He wasn’t even passed the shop when Aiba caught hold of his arm and wouldn’t let go no matter how much he janked it back.
“Let go, Aiba!”
“No!! Not until you listen. I don’t know how she found out, Nino. You have to believe me. I’d rather die than talk to her about it. I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t! Why can’t you believe me?”
“She practically called me gay! I cannot be gay. I refuse to be gay!”
“Then what are you if not gay?” Aiba yelled letting go of Nino, “If you are not into guys, not into girls - then what are you into?”
I’m into you. But the words stayed where they were inside his mind, where he locked most of his inner thoughts. But he couldn’t face them, not yet.
“Nino…” Aiba tried again, reaching out. Nino backed away and turned around.
“Leave me alone!” he just gave back before taking off running.
Continue to Part 2