Of Derivatives, Species Extinction, and Stupid Ideas
Title: Of Derivatives, Species Extinction, and Stupid Ideas
Pairing(s): HanChul
Genre(s): Romance, comedy, school!AU
Length: 4518 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Heechul tries to be who he isn’t. Chaos ensues.
Inspiration(s): Everybody’s done this before. Don’t lie.
```
i.
Everybody and their fathers knew that Heechul was an expert at wooing gay guys and making the straight ones question their sexuality. Half of the people who knew him were half in love with him; the other half were in denial about it. The red-haired boy was prettiest of the pretty, an orgasmic burst of fire, the epitome of sexy. An utter glow of absolute perfection. Because of this, Heechul skipped class and got A’s, received red carpet entries into the school every morning, and in general made people treat him no less than a queen. And he got away with it because he was fucking invincible. Heechul could have had anybody he wanted and he knew it, because he was Kim Heechul and therefore fucking invincible.
The day the new Chinese transfer student popped up in the middle of Heechul’s morning math class was the day that Heechul found a reason to go to math class. The guy was gorgeous in the most sinewy sense of the word, with an athletic built buff enough to be blown away but not buff enough to be cumbersome, and Heechul knew from the moment he laid eyes on him that he wanted him.
It seemed easy enough. Charm and flaunt around him for a little bit before going straight for the kill, and usually Heechul didn’t need to do the charming and flaunting part.
That was, until he mentioned his intentions to Jungsu, his best friend and closest confidante.
“Not a chance,” was the first thing that came out of the school librarian’s mouth as he walked around the shelves ordering books by the Dewey Decimal system. “The guy’s straight, for one, dead straight. I also heard that he has a childhood sweetheart back home that he’s oh-so-faithful to, and that he liked quiet girls.”
Heechul gaped. “What do you mean not a chance?”
“Did you even listen to a word I said?”
The redhead scoffed. “So the guy’s straight. I’m Kim Heechul, and I’m fucking invincible.”
“You also realize that this Han Geng is not just some ordinary jock out there, right?” Jungsu raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow behind his trendy glasses. “He’s not the kind who would be wrapped around your little finger at the prospect of a quick hand job in an empty room. The guy’s apparently really deep. Straight A’s and everything. From what I’ve heard, he’s mature, sensible, and wise beyond his years. He’s the type of guy who wants intelligent company-not that you aren’t intelligent, of course,” Jungsu added quickly at the sight of Heechul’s indignant expression.
“I can so make intelligent company!”
“Holding a conversation with an Asian kid with horned-rimmed glasses does not count,” the librarian sighed. “I meant global issues, like the socioeconomic status of the world.”
“Huh?”
“Exactly.”
Heechul seethed.
“Besides, what are you going to do about that childhood sweetheart of his?”
“One look at me and he’ll forget all about her,” Heechul replied automatically, and Jungsu almost expected a duuuhhhh to follow up. “No girl can match up to my beauty. Because I’m fucking invincible.”
“Uh huh, and what about quietness?”
“Shut up, I can be quiet when I want to!” Heechul shouted, and a group of students turned their heads towards the outburst.
Jungsu banged his head against the wall. “Heechul, there are many things that create noise pollution in this world and you account for fifty percent of it.”
“Whatever, I just need to change everything about myself in front of him,” Heechul commented airily, flipping his red hair out of his face. “Piece of cake. I’m fucking invincible.”
Jungsu banged his head some more.
ii.
“I know that you will probably just tell me to shut my trap, but I can’t help mentioning for the millionth time that this is probably the stupidest idea since the invention of the spork. Is there any possible way I can talk you out of this?”
Heechul rolled his eyes as he shrugged on his blazer and slipped into his snazzy black shoes before spinning around and taking a very elegant bow towards his fashion advisor. “Do I look smart? Intelligent? Stunning?”
“Oh, I’m stunned alright,” Jungsu muttered. “Just do your best not to make the hugest fool of yourself.”
“Dude, I’m Kim Heechul and am therefore unable to make a fool of myself. Get your head wired straight.”
“Speak for yourself, poofter,” Jungsu retorted fondly. “Han Geng has second block off after math class and he usually spends it in the courtyard reading. At the moment, he’s reading Insomnia by Stephen King.”
Heechul nodded curtly. “And that is?”
“Just say something along the lines of a little bald doctor and the Crimson King,” the librarian summed up in a nutshell. “It doesn’t matter that much anyway, he’s only just started it.”
“How do you know all this?”
“It’s a librarian thing,” Jungsu replied with a shrug. “People like whispering a bit too loud once in a while.”
Heechul slung his bag over his shoulder and pushed his hair back. “Let’s roll.”
As they strutted towards the school grounds with Mission Impossible music rolling in the background, the masses of students made a clear path for the ever-so-wonderful Kim Heechul until the redhead strove into mathematics class and made himself comfortable in his chair, reverently placing his calculator and pencil case on the side of his desk just like any other intelligent person would do.
Han Geng showed up two minutes later, and Heechul cast him a deceivingly shy smile to which the Chinese student replied with a curt nod and a soft look in his eyes.
This is too easy, Heechul thought, mentally rolling his eyes as Han Geng took the seat beside his. He knocked over one of his pens and watched in glee as the transfer student immediately bent down to pick it up for him.
“Careful,” Han Geng said, an amused smile on his face. “These desks are small.”
Heechul pretended to blush and avert his eyes. “T-Thank you. I-I’m Heechul, by the way.”
“Han Geng. You like math?”
“Oh yah, it’s one of my favorite subjects!” Heechul lied giddily, twirling his hair.
“I wish I could say the same for myself,” Han Geng replied laughingly, unaware that the redhead in front of him was mentally banging his head against the top of his desk. “Math is the bane of my existence. I’m terrible with numbers, but I want to study business so math is practically a must.”
“I want to go into business, too!” Heechul lied again, eyes twinkling. “I find the concepts absolutely fascinating!”
“Oh really? What do you like most?”
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
“Good morning, class, I hope you studied because we have a pop quiz today!” the instructor cheerily greeted the unimpressed students. “Isn’t math fun?”
Until that moment, Heechul had never dreamed that he would have been so glad to be writing a math pop quiz. And he spent the rest of class pointedly pretending to be engrossed in every word that the dumbass at the front of the room said.
“How did you think you did?” Han Geng asked as the students were packing up after the second block bell rang.
“It was okay,” Heechul replied breezily, though deep down he knew that those numbers on the page had made absolutely no sense to him and he was probably getting a big fat zero on it but there was no need in letting Han Geng know about that, right?
The transfer student sighed and leaned back on the chair, shaking his head. “I wish I was as confident as you. I have no problems with the other core subjects, but math just doesn’t stick in my mind as well as I would like.”
Heechul smiled sweetly, and put on his best encouraging personal cheerleader voice. “As long as you work hard at it, math is simple!”
“Really? Can you tutor me, then? I really want to score at least ninety percent in this course, and at this rate it’ll be difficult to make eighty percent.”
Holy shit, this guy has standards if eighty percent is low for him, Christ, I can’t even make the seventies! Heechul cringed. Wait, what, he wants me to tutor him?
“Yah, of course I can tutor you!” he replied without hesitation though every fiber of his being was already dreading the dire consequences lying ahead.
“Thanks, Heechul, you’re a lifesaver! Do you have class now?”
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
“No, I have free block but just for today I have an engagement to attend to. What about tomorrow?” Heechul smiled his most earnest smile, doing a victory dance in his head. But then his ah ha, saved by my awesomely intrinsic quick thinking suddenly became holy shit, I have to learn all about determinants by tomorrow fuckity fuck fuck fuck!
“Tomorrow works,” the transfer student grinned, and Heechul almost felt guilty at how seriously grateful the guy looked. “Thank you so much, Heechul!”
Which was how Heechul found himself spending the rest of the day at Jungsu’s place listening to his best friend’s lecture about tangent lines and limits and how trying to entice uber-straight uber-wise Han Geng when he was Heechul for Christ’s sake should be in the Guinness Book of World Records under the Stupidest Ideas category.
Heechul had looked at the long roundabout equations (that looked more like the language spoken on Jupiter than mathematics, really) spread out in front of him and couldn’t help but agree a little bit.
iii.
“So when you finally find the derivative of the function, you can plug any value of x in and find the slope of the graph at that particular point!”
“Oh, I get it now!” Han Geng’s voice was tinged with excitement as he quickly worked through the question and finally found an answer that looked more or less normal.
It had taken Heechul (with the pestering help of good ol’ Jungsu) all of the day before and half the night to finally get some of the main concepts in the textbook that weighed almost as much as he did holy crap lose some goddamn weight, will ya?
“You are a really good teacher, Heechul,” the Chinese student complimented with a smile that almost made Heechul want to unbutton the top button of his fitted dress shirt. “And you really know the material. I respect that.”
Heechul sang Queen’s We Are The Champions in his head at full volume. “Nah, I’m not that great,” he responded diffidently, inwardly cowering from the memory of Jungsu drilling him on equation after equation after fucking equation. “It’s just one of those things that sort of stays with me.”
“Don’t be modest,” Han Geng wrinkled his nose flippantly. “It doesn’t suit you.”
For a strange reason, an ache in Heechul’s chest started up and he found himself wishing that Han Geng really meant what he said.
Three weeks into this whole routine of Mr. Goody-Goody Math Tutor, Heechul finally decided that it was time for the next move. “So, tell me about yourself!” he changed the subject from inverse functions cheerfully, resting his chin on his knuckles in half-forced anticipation. “Since we have been spending this much time together, I think it’ll be cool to know a little more about you.”
Han Geng laughed, his as voice soft and silky as ever. “Well, I’m eighteen, just like you. I’m the only child and my parents are currently overseas. I like basketball and martial arts, and my favorite food is my mother’s dumplings. Your turn.”
The redhead’s brain screeched to a halt. He had to come out as a quiet, intelligent person, so telling the guy of his desires that he liked shopping, skipping school, and acting like a goddamn queen was not exactly at the top of his Things To Do List. So his reply was as such: “Goody! I’m eighteen. I have a little sister and she’s beautiful both inside and out. I like reading and my favorite food is anything that my mother makes for me!” (When in truth, his devil of a sister was only beautiful outside, he had never read a book more than fifty pages long, and his mother was probably the most terrible cook that had ever treaded the planet. And he never ever uses the word “goody” in public).
“Cool. As you know, I plan on going into business. You as well, correct?”
Heechul grinned superficially. “I’m probably going to take over my father’s business.”
“Same,” Han Geng shrugged, deflating slightly. “But I really want to start my own.”
“Why so? An established business has all the stability and fundamentals covered.” (Directly quoted from one of those huge business books that were smuggled out by a certain blond librarian. Heechul patted himself on the back for a quote well done.)
“I want to achieve something by myself. An established company means nothing to me when I was not the one who made it prosper. It’s the flesh and blood you put into something that makes it mean something to you, don’t you think?” There was a soft smile on Han Geng’s face when Heechul looked up, and it could have been a hallucination but he could have sworn that his heart rate picked up its pace.
Which was not a good sign.
iv.
Jungsu’s place had always been Heechul’s home away from home, which was probably why the redhead was there so often. But usually he was there to discuss important matters like eye shadow, not poring over business books and mathematical theories.
“So wait a minute, I’m supposed to remember the formula, mix and match everything, multiply all of it out, just to find the determinant of a matrix that’s really not that useful anyway!?!”
Jungsu nodded. “Pretty much.”
“My God, why do schools teach these things?”
“Because they’re useless. It’s not as if people go to school to learn, you know.”
Heechul seethed and mentally cursed the education system.
“So how’s Operation Stupid Idea coming along? It’s been two months already. Aren’t you going to take the final step?”
The diva-who was presently thinking deep thoughts so as to restrain himself from tearing his textbooks apart and beating his chest King Kong style-shrugged. “I’ll go in for the kill when the time is right.”
“Usually it takes you less than a week to go for the kill. What’s up with this?”
Heechul sighed. “This one’s a tougher shell to break. I just don’t think the timing’s right.”
Jungsu chuckled. “You like this one, huh?”
“Like as in Gucci like or like as in When Harry Met Sally like?”
The librarian rolled his eyes. “No offence, but the Kim Heechul that I have had the misfortune of befriending and growing up with swore off any form of hard work. The Kim Heechul that I see right now has diligently been studying for five hours every single day of the week. You must at least have some feelings towards this guy in order to compensate your religious views on hedonism.”
“Ah ha, I know what hedonism means now!” Heechul enthusiastically pumped his fist into the air. “Aren’t I wise and intelligent?”
“Case in point.”
Heechul pouted. “I don’t like Han Geng. I want him. There’s a difference.”
“But the defining line between the two is blurring more and more as every second passes,” Jungsu asserted in his best and that’s final voice. “You like the guy. You care about the guy.”
“I’m fucking Kim Heechul. I care for nobody but myself and my hairdryer. Oh, and did I mention that I am fucking invincible.”
Jungsu scoffed. “Just admit that you care about him and that you’re not wooing him for sport. It’ll be good for you.”
“Good for me?”
“Yah, like, look at you!” Jungsu flailed his arms towards his best friend and closest colleague in an attempt to emphasize his point. “You’re reading. Reading. You’re working hard at your studies. You’re making an effort to treat other students like human beings and not like your loyal subjects. People can finally talk about you without flinching. At this rate, you might actually become somewhat normal.”
“I’m Kim Heechul. I’m anything but normal. So fuck you and your normalness.”
The blond rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m just glad that you like Han Geng. He’s been a good influence.”
“Ha, I know that word now, too!”
Jungsu spent the rest of the afternoon banging his head against the wall and driving the neighbors crazy with the noise.
v.
By the fourth month of daily tutoring, Han Geng and Heechul had finally progressed to the point where they were legitimate friends. Which Heechul found incredibly frustrating despite the fact that he still had no intention of going for the kill anytime soon (but certainly not because he liked Han Geng). After all, it was kind of fun hanging around the Chinese student and listening to his thoughts about the world. It almost made Heechul feel educated and respected.
“Species extinction is a natural process,” he found himself arguing one day, and in the back of his mind he was horrified to realize that he was actually using words that were more than three syllables long. “Species go extinct all the time, sometimes before scientists actually discover them.”
“But what about environmental biodiversity?” Han Geng retorted callously. “It has been proven that the more diverse the world is, the better equipped the ecosystem is in general. There have been studies that have proven the increase of adaptability and resilience.”
Heechul took a moment to decipher what the hell his friend was talking about before biting out an exasperated counterattack. “There are new species that come up every day, aren’t there? Some species go extinct, new ones pop up. Nature’s a delicate balance.”
Huffing and puffing, the redhead glared at his debate partner until Han Geng slumped back into his seat, chuckling. “I’m convinced. You win.”
Heechul literally got out of his seat and did a victory dance with his own personal theme music. Holy shit, he won an intelligent debate that was not about Prada sunglasses!
“You will make a great businessman,” Han Geng praised. “But you know, this might sound weird, but I find you very strange.”
Heechul did a double take, and in his mind the FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! recording was put at full volume. “In a good way, hopefully?”
“Yes, in a good way,” the transfer student laughed.
“How so? Pray tell.”
“Well, with what I know about you, you come off as a refined and sophisticated young man.” There was a mischievous quirk of an eyebrow. “But all I see in your eyes is a wild beast that cannot be tamed.”
Heechul felt his breath catch and it was not because of the prices marked for a biyearly blowout sale. “Well, t-things aren’t always what they seem,” he responded, the stammer in his voice genuine.
“I’d like to know that side of you,” Han Geng smiled kindly.
“Don’t you like quiet people, though?” Heechul blurted out accidentally, but quickly composed himself. “I mean, they’re usually intelligent company.”
“I have no preference, really, of who I associate with.”
“Oh I see. I heard that you have a sweetie back home,” Heechul put in there while he was at it (might as well since he had gotten that far). “What’s she like?”
“Oh do you mean Victoria?” Han Geng’s face brightened like a child on Christmas morning, making Heechul wince. “She’s been my closest friend since the day I was conceived, but we’re not dating or anything-she’s too much of a sister that it would be weird.”
“You’re not dating?”
“No. We tried to once when we were in high school but it got way too uncomfortable.” Han Geng laughed fondly at the memory.
“Then what kind of girl do you want to date? Or are you into guys like I am?”
Han Geng laughed. “It doesn’t matter which gender. I seriously don’t care if they’re loud or quiet or even just plain stupid. Just as long as they have a good heart and are completely honest with me, like you are. I would never consider befriending people who lie to others for the fun of it.”
For the first time in his life, Heechul felt like crying. Was this what guilt felt like?
“What about you? Do you have a significant other?”
“Yes,” the redhead replied softly, sadly. “But he’ll never love me back now.”
vi.
“Okay, so in addition to being in Guinness Book of World Records under Stupidest Ideas, it also gives the Saddest Idea a run for its money. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, man.”
Heechul threw a pen at Jungsu’s head and continued wallowing in self-pity. “I came here for your brain, not to hear your insults!” he snapped. “Any ideas how to get out of this one?”
“Other than tell the truth?”
“Yah.”
“That was sarcastic.”
“Well then fuck you.”
Jungsu let out a long exhale. “The best way would be to tell him the honest truth from the absolute beginning. You did say that he liked honest people, right? Well, you’d be honest if you told him what you were up to the whole time, right?”
“I’ll pass on that suggestion. Any more ideas?”
“Heechul, for once please listen to me. Have I ever let you down?”
“Well, you did tattle on me that one time in third grade when I cheated on a vocabulary test.”
“That was one time! Plus, cheating is a violation of every academia’s code of conduct and you needed to learn that before you really got out of control!”
Heechul hung his head and gave a pitiful sigh. “I did go out of control this time, didn’t I?”
“Yes, Mr. Fucking Invincible, you did. But believe it or not, Han Geng has the gift of forgiveness in him.”
“I know that, but it’s not like I’m not worried that he won’t forgive me.”
“What are you worried about, then?”
“That he will.”
vii.
Lunch with Han Geng the next school afternoon was, for lack of a better word, tense. And it wasn’t because Heechul was wearing another one of his fitted collared shirt conservatively buttoned all the way to the top either.
“You’re quiet today,” Han Geng remarked conversationally as he took a deliberate bite of his sandwich. “Something bothering you?”
You have no idea. “Personal issues,” he answered sophisticatedly. It was becoming almost a second nature to behave like an erudite in front of Han Geng, which was both a good and bad thing considering the iffy circumstances.
“Then talk to me. These kinds of things are best discussed with a third party.”
Underline the term “third party”. Heechul sighed. “You know how you told me that you wanted to start your own business? Well, it’s something like that.”
“Oh, are you thinking about branching off from the path your parents set for you, too?”
“No,” the redhead exhaled exasperatedly. “It was supposed to be an analogy to my work ethics in which something will mean more to me if I worked hard for it myself. Flesh and blood and all.”
Han Geng grinned. “You of all people shouldn’t be worried about such things. You’ll be successful in life in whatever you do and if you stick at it you’ll achieve it. I really admire you, Heechul. You’re an intelligent person with a clear head on your shoulders.”
Heechul hung his head. “Han Geng, I’m not who you think I am.”
viii.
“He said what!”
Heechul cleaned out his accumulated earwax with a Q-tip and scowled. “Is it really that difficult to believe?”
Jungsu hung his mouth so low that the redhead was almost worried that a fly would have gotten in and choked him to death like that old lady in the children’s book that totally creeped him out when he was a kid. “Even after you told him absolutely everything, he still told you that-that-”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jungsu, grow up already!”
“Grow up? You’re telling me to grow up?” Jungsu pulled at his blond hair and roared (seriously, terrifyingly roared). “It’s the first sign of the apocalypse, I tell you! Next thing we know, the world will be exploding! Children will be dying! Chanel perfume will go out of date!”
“So Han Geng thinks that I’m intelligent,” the nonchalant diva rolled his eyes, annoyance building up inside him as he watched his best friend work himself into a coughing fit. “Big deal. Get over it.”
“It is a big deal!” the hyperventilating librarian flailed around. “You’ve been called bitchy, arrogant, and a whooping ass of a motherfucker, but this is the first time that somebody has ever called you intelligent! We have to mark this into the goddamn Korean calendar, dammit!”
“Jungsu, I think you caught the Stupid,” Heechul drawled.
“You think so?”
“Yah.”
Jungsu collapsed onto the bed from air-headedness just minutes later and Heechul let out a sigh of amused annoyance.
Earlier that afternoon, Heechul had pretty much confessed that he was a big fat-it’s true, I put on a few pounds!-motherfucking liar who had to study for an hour straight in order to understand the meaning of a fucking function (direct quote, mind you), and that he would understand if Han Geng chose to completely terminate his association with him (also a direct quote, surprisingly).
But then, Han Geng huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down. And he ate the third little piggy.
Which meant that he pretty much guffawed for ten minutes nonstop.
Heechul had sat there, transfixed, and started to seethe. “I just confessed a sin for the very first time of my life and all you do is laugh at me? I’m an atheist, too! Give me some credit, will you?”
“I’m sorry,” the Chinese boy had replied, wiping away the tears from the corners of his eyes. “It’s just that it’s the first time anybody has ever done that for me. I’m just really touched.”
“Huh?” Heechul had looked at Han Geng like he had four heads (he would have been fine with three, but can you imagine four heads sprouting out of that puny stick of a human neck, like ewww). “So wait, you’re not mad?”
“A little, but I’m more impressed than anything. You really are a wild beast, aren’t you?” Han Geng had shaken his head fondly, leaning over to press a chaste kiss on Heechul’s lips before the redhead had been able to do anything about it. “Intelligent, of course, but nevertheless wild.”
Heechul let out a deep sigh at the memory and flopped down onto the bed next to his passed out best friend. So in the end, because of Heechul’s hard work and perseverance, he and Han Geng hooked up, ready to face a shining future filled with arguments about world peace and the ozone layer.
And right at that moment, Heechul came to the conclusion that yes, he really was fucking invincible.
Pairing(s): HanChul
Genre(s): Romance, comedy, school!AU
Length: 4518 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Heechul tries to be who he isn’t. Chaos ensues.
Inspiration(s): Everybody’s done this before. Don’t lie.
```
i.
Everybody and their fathers knew that Heechul was an expert at wooing gay guys and making the straight ones question their sexuality. Half of the people who knew him were half in love with him; the other half were in denial about it. The red-haired boy was prettiest of the pretty, an orgasmic burst of fire, the epitome of sexy. An utter glow of absolute perfection. Because of this, Heechul skipped class and got A’s, received red carpet entries into the school every morning, and in general made people treat him no less than a queen. And he got away with it because he was fucking invincible. Heechul could have had anybody he wanted and he knew it, because he was Kim Heechul and therefore fucking invincible.
The day the new Chinese transfer student popped up in the middle of Heechul’s morning math class was the day that Heechul found a reason to go to math class. The guy was gorgeous in the most sinewy sense of the word, with an athletic built buff enough to be blown away but not buff enough to be cumbersome, and Heechul knew from the moment he laid eyes on him that he wanted him.
It seemed easy enough. Charm and flaunt around him for a little bit before going straight for the kill, and usually Heechul didn’t need to do the charming and flaunting part.
That was, until he mentioned his intentions to Jungsu, his best friend and closest confidante.
“Not a chance,” was the first thing that came out of the school librarian’s mouth as he walked around the shelves ordering books by the Dewey Decimal system. “The guy’s straight, for one, dead straight. I also heard that he has a childhood sweetheart back home that he’s oh-so-faithful to, and that he liked quiet girls.”
Heechul gaped. “What do you mean not a chance?”
“Did you even listen to a word I said?”
The redhead scoffed. “So the guy’s straight. I’m Kim Heechul, and I’m fucking invincible.”
“You also realize that this Han Geng is not just some ordinary jock out there, right?” Jungsu raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow behind his trendy glasses. “He’s not the kind who would be wrapped around your little finger at the prospect of a quick hand job in an empty room. The guy’s apparently really deep. Straight A’s and everything. From what I’ve heard, he’s mature, sensible, and wise beyond his years. He’s the type of guy who wants intelligent company-not that you aren’t intelligent, of course,” Jungsu added quickly at the sight of Heechul’s indignant expression.
“I can so make intelligent company!”
“Holding a conversation with an Asian kid with horned-rimmed glasses does not count,” the librarian sighed. “I meant global issues, like the socioeconomic status of the world.”
“Huh?”
“Exactly.”
Heechul seethed.
“Besides, what are you going to do about that childhood sweetheart of his?”
“One look at me and he’ll forget all about her,” Heechul replied automatically, and Jungsu almost expected a duuuhhhh to follow up. “No girl can match up to my beauty. Because I’m fucking invincible.”
“Uh huh, and what about quietness?”
“Shut up, I can be quiet when I want to!” Heechul shouted, and a group of students turned their heads towards the outburst.
Jungsu banged his head against the wall. “Heechul, there are many things that create noise pollution in this world and you account for fifty percent of it.”
“Whatever, I just need to change everything about myself in front of him,” Heechul commented airily, flipping his red hair out of his face. “Piece of cake. I’m fucking invincible.”
Jungsu banged his head some more.
ii.
“I know that you will probably just tell me to shut my trap, but I can’t help mentioning for the millionth time that this is probably the stupidest idea since the invention of the spork. Is there any possible way I can talk you out of this?”
Heechul rolled his eyes as he shrugged on his blazer and slipped into his snazzy black shoes before spinning around and taking a very elegant bow towards his fashion advisor. “Do I look smart? Intelligent? Stunning?”
“Oh, I’m stunned alright,” Jungsu muttered. “Just do your best not to make the hugest fool of yourself.”
“Dude, I’m Kim Heechul and am therefore unable to make a fool of myself. Get your head wired straight.”
“Speak for yourself, poofter,” Jungsu retorted fondly. “Han Geng has second block off after math class and he usually spends it in the courtyard reading. At the moment, he’s reading Insomnia by Stephen King.”
Heechul nodded curtly. “And that is?”
“Just say something along the lines of a little bald doctor and the Crimson King,” the librarian summed up in a nutshell. “It doesn’t matter that much anyway, he’s only just started it.”
“How do you know all this?”
“It’s a librarian thing,” Jungsu replied with a shrug. “People like whispering a bit too loud once in a while.”
Heechul slung his bag over his shoulder and pushed his hair back. “Let’s roll.”
As they strutted towards the school grounds with Mission Impossible music rolling in the background, the masses of students made a clear path for the ever-so-wonderful Kim Heechul until the redhead strove into mathematics class and made himself comfortable in his chair, reverently placing his calculator and pencil case on the side of his desk just like any other intelligent person would do.
Han Geng showed up two minutes later, and Heechul cast him a deceivingly shy smile to which the Chinese student replied with a curt nod and a soft look in his eyes.
This is too easy, Heechul thought, mentally rolling his eyes as Han Geng took the seat beside his. He knocked over one of his pens and watched in glee as the transfer student immediately bent down to pick it up for him.
“Careful,” Han Geng said, an amused smile on his face. “These desks are small.”
Heechul pretended to blush and avert his eyes. “T-Thank you. I-I’m Heechul, by the way.”
“Han Geng. You like math?”
“Oh yah, it’s one of my favorite subjects!” Heechul lied giddily, twirling his hair.
“I wish I could say the same for myself,” Han Geng replied laughingly, unaware that the redhead in front of him was mentally banging his head against the top of his desk. “Math is the bane of my existence. I’m terrible with numbers, but I want to study business so math is practically a must.”
“I want to go into business, too!” Heechul lied again, eyes twinkling. “I find the concepts absolutely fascinating!”
“Oh really? What do you like most?”
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
“Good morning, class, I hope you studied because we have a pop quiz today!” the instructor cheerily greeted the unimpressed students. “Isn’t math fun?”
Until that moment, Heechul had never dreamed that he would have been so glad to be writing a math pop quiz. And he spent the rest of class pointedly pretending to be engrossed in every word that the dumbass at the front of the room said.
“How did you think you did?” Han Geng asked as the students were packing up after the second block bell rang.
“It was okay,” Heechul replied breezily, though deep down he knew that those numbers on the page had made absolutely no sense to him and he was probably getting a big fat zero on it but there was no need in letting Han Geng know about that, right?
The transfer student sighed and leaned back on the chair, shaking his head. “I wish I was as confident as you. I have no problems with the other core subjects, but math just doesn’t stick in my mind as well as I would like.”
Heechul smiled sweetly, and put on his best encouraging personal cheerleader voice. “As long as you work hard at it, math is simple!”
“Really? Can you tutor me, then? I really want to score at least ninety percent in this course, and at this rate it’ll be difficult to make eighty percent.”
Holy shit, this guy has standards if eighty percent is low for him, Christ, I can’t even make the seventies! Heechul cringed. Wait, what, he wants me to tutor him?
“Yah, of course I can tutor you!” he replied without hesitation though every fiber of his being was already dreading the dire consequences lying ahead.
“Thanks, Heechul, you’re a lifesaver! Do you have class now?”
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
“No, I have free block but just for today I have an engagement to attend to. What about tomorrow?” Heechul smiled his most earnest smile, doing a victory dance in his head. But then his ah ha, saved by my awesomely intrinsic quick thinking suddenly became holy shit, I have to learn all about determinants by tomorrow fuckity fuck fuck fuck!
“Tomorrow works,” the transfer student grinned, and Heechul almost felt guilty at how seriously grateful the guy looked. “Thank you so much, Heechul!”
Which was how Heechul found himself spending the rest of the day at Jungsu’s place listening to his best friend’s lecture about tangent lines and limits and how trying to entice uber-straight uber-wise Han Geng when he was Heechul for Christ’s sake should be in the Guinness Book of World Records under the Stupidest Ideas category.
Heechul had looked at the long roundabout equations (that looked more like the language spoken on Jupiter than mathematics, really) spread out in front of him and couldn’t help but agree a little bit.
iii.
“So when you finally find the derivative of the function, you can plug any value of x in and find the slope of the graph at that particular point!”
“Oh, I get it now!” Han Geng’s voice was tinged with excitement as he quickly worked through the question and finally found an answer that looked more or less normal.
It had taken Heechul (with the pestering help of good ol’ Jungsu) all of the day before and half the night to finally get some of the main concepts in the textbook that weighed almost as much as he did holy crap lose some goddamn weight, will ya?
“You are a really good teacher, Heechul,” the Chinese student complimented with a smile that almost made Heechul want to unbutton the top button of his fitted dress shirt. “And you really know the material. I respect that.”
Heechul sang Queen’s We Are The Champions in his head at full volume. “Nah, I’m not that great,” he responded diffidently, inwardly cowering from the memory of Jungsu drilling him on equation after equation after fucking equation. “It’s just one of those things that sort of stays with me.”
“Don’t be modest,” Han Geng wrinkled his nose flippantly. “It doesn’t suit you.”
For a strange reason, an ache in Heechul’s chest started up and he found himself wishing that Han Geng really meant what he said.
Three weeks into this whole routine of Mr. Goody-Goody Math Tutor, Heechul finally decided that it was time for the next move. “So, tell me about yourself!” he changed the subject from inverse functions cheerfully, resting his chin on his knuckles in half-forced anticipation. “Since we have been spending this much time together, I think it’ll be cool to know a little more about you.”
Han Geng laughed, his as voice soft and silky as ever. “Well, I’m eighteen, just like you. I’m the only child and my parents are currently overseas. I like basketball and martial arts, and my favorite food is my mother’s dumplings. Your turn.”
The redhead’s brain screeched to a halt. He had to come out as a quiet, intelligent person, so telling the guy of his desires that he liked shopping, skipping school, and acting like a goddamn queen was not exactly at the top of his Things To Do List. So his reply was as such: “Goody! I’m eighteen. I have a little sister and she’s beautiful both inside and out. I like reading and my favorite food is anything that my mother makes for me!” (When in truth, his devil of a sister was only beautiful outside, he had never read a book more than fifty pages long, and his mother was probably the most terrible cook that had ever treaded the planet. And he never ever uses the word “goody” in public).
“Cool. As you know, I plan on going into business. You as well, correct?”
Heechul grinned superficially. “I’m probably going to take over my father’s business.”
“Same,” Han Geng shrugged, deflating slightly. “But I really want to start my own.”
“Why so? An established business has all the stability and fundamentals covered.” (Directly quoted from one of those huge business books that were smuggled out by a certain blond librarian. Heechul patted himself on the back for a quote well done.)
“I want to achieve something by myself. An established company means nothing to me when I was not the one who made it prosper. It’s the flesh and blood you put into something that makes it mean something to you, don’t you think?” There was a soft smile on Han Geng’s face when Heechul looked up, and it could have been a hallucination but he could have sworn that his heart rate picked up its pace.
Which was not a good sign.
iv.
Jungsu’s place had always been Heechul’s home away from home, which was probably why the redhead was there so often. But usually he was there to discuss important matters like eye shadow, not poring over business books and mathematical theories.
“So wait a minute, I’m supposed to remember the formula, mix and match everything, multiply all of it out, just to find the determinant of a matrix that’s really not that useful anyway!?!”
Jungsu nodded. “Pretty much.”
“My God, why do schools teach these things?”
“Because they’re useless. It’s not as if people go to school to learn, you know.”
Heechul seethed and mentally cursed the education system.
“So how’s Operation Stupid Idea coming along? It’s been two months already. Aren’t you going to take the final step?”
The diva-who was presently thinking deep thoughts so as to restrain himself from tearing his textbooks apart and beating his chest King Kong style-shrugged. “I’ll go in for the kill when the time is right.”
“Usually it takes you less than a week to go for the kill. What’s up with this?”
Heechul sighed. “This one’s a tougher shell to break. I just don’t think the timing’s right.”
Jungsu chuckled. “You like this one, huh?”
“Like as in Gucci like or like as in When Harry Met Sally like?”
The librarian rolled his eyes. “No offence, but the Kim Heechul that I have had the misfortune of befriending and growing up with swore off any form of hard work. The Kim Heechul that I see right now has diligently been studying for five hours every single day of the week. You must at least have some feelings towards this guy in order to compensate your religious views on hedonism.”
“Ah ha, I know what hedonism means now!” Heechul enthusiastically pumped his fist into the air. “Aren’t I wise and intelligent?”
“Case in point.”
Heechul pouted. “I don’t like Han Geng. I want him. There’s a difference.”
“But the defining line between the two is blurring more and more as every second passes,” Jungsu asserted in his best and that’s final voice. “You like the guy. You care about the guy.”
“I’m fucking Kim Heechul. I care for nobody but myself and my hairdryer. Oh, and did I mention that I am fucking invincible.”
Jungsu scoffed. “Just admit that you care about him and that you’re not wooing him for sport. It’ll be good for you.”
“Good for me?”
“Yah, like, look at you!” Jungsu flailed his arms towards his best friend and closest colleague in an attempt to emphasize his point. “You’re reading. Reading. You’re working hard at your studies. You’re making an effort to treat other students like human beings and not like your loyal subjects. People can finally talk about you without flinching. At this rate, you might actually become somewhat normal.”
“I’m Kim Heechul. I’m anything but normal. So fuck you and your normalness.”
The blond rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m just glad that you like Han Geng. He’s been a good influence.”
“Ha, I know that word now, too!”
Jungsu spent the rest of the afternoon banging his head against the wall and driving the neighbors crazy with the noise.
v.
By the fourth month of daily tutoring, Han Geng and Heechul had finally progressed to the point where they were legitimate friends. Which Heechul found incredibly frustrating despite the fact that he still had no intention of going for the kill anytime soon (but certainly not because he liked Han Geng). After all, it was kind of fun hanging around the Chinese student and listening to his thoughts about the world. It almost made Heechul feel educated and respected.
“Species extinction is a natural process,” he found himself arguing one day, and in the back of his mind he was horrified to realize that he was actually using words that were more than three syllables long. “Species go extinct all the time, sometimes before scientists actually discover them.”
“But what about environmental biodiversity?” Han Geng retorted callously. “It has been proven that the more diverse the world is, the better equipped the ecosystem is in general. There have been studies that have proven the increase of adaptability and resilience.”
Heechul took a moment to decipher what the hell his friend was talking about before biting out an exasperated counterattack. “There are new species that come up every day, aren’t there? Some species go extinct, new ones pop up. Nature’s a delicate balance.”
Huffing and puffing, the redhead glared at his debate partner until Han Geng slumped back into his seat, chuckling. “I’m convinced. You win.”
Heechul literally got out of his seat and did a victory dance with his own personal theme music. Holy shit, he won an intelligent debate that was not about Prada sunglasses!
“You will make a great businessman,” Han Geng praised. “But you know, this might sound weird, but I find you very strange.”
Heechul did a double take, and in his mind the FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! recording was put at full volume. “In a good way, hopefully?”
“Yes, in a good way,” the transfer student laughed.
“How so? Pray tell.”
“Well, with what I know about you, you come off as a refined and sophisticated young man.” There was a mischievous quirk of an eyebrow. “But all I see in your eyes is a wild beast that cannot be tamed.”
Heechul felt his breath catch and it was not because of the prices marked for a biyearly blowout sale. “Well, t-things aren’t always what they seem,” he responded, the stammer in his voice genuine.
“I’d like to know that side of you,” Han Geng smiled kindly.
“Don’t you like quiet people, though?” Heechul blurted out accidentally, but quickly composed himself. “I mean, they’re usually intelligent company.”
“I have no preference, really, of who I associate with.”
“Oh I see. I heard that you have a sweetie back home,” Heechul put in there while he was at it (might as well since he had gotten that far). “What’s she like?”
“Oh do you mean Victoria?” Han Geng’s face brightened like a child on Christmas morning, making Heechul wince. “She’s been my closest friend since the day I was conceived, but we’re not dating or anything-she’s too much of a sister that it would be weird.”
“You’re not dating?”
“No. We tried to once when we were in high school but it got way too uncomfortable.” Han Geng laughed fondly at the memory.
“Then what kind of girl do you want to date? Or are you into guys like I am?”
Han Geng laughed. “It doesn’t matter which gender. I seriously don’t care if they’re loud or quiet or even just plain stupid. Just as long as they have a good heart and are completely honest with me, like you are. I would never consider befriending people who lie to others for the fun of it.”
For the first time in his life, Heechul felt like crying. Was this what guilt felt like?
“What about you? Do you have a significant other?”
“Yes,” the redhead replied softly, sadly. “But he’ll never love me back now.”
vi.
“Okay, so in addition to being in Guinness Book of World Records under Stupidest Ideas, it also gives the Saddest Idea a run for its money. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, man.”
Heechul threw a pen at Jungsu’s head and continued wallowing in self-pity. “I came here for your brain, not to hear your insults!” he snapped. “Any ideas how to get out of this one?”
“Other than tell the truth?”
“Yah.”
“That was sarcastic.”
“Well then fuck you.”
Jungsu let out a long exhale. “The best way would be to tell him the honest truth from the absolute beginning. You did say that he liked honest people, right? Well, you’d be honest if you told him what you were up to the whole time, right?”
“I’ll pass on that suggestion. Any more ideas?”
“Heechul, for once please listen to me. Have I ever let you down?”
“Well, you did tattle on me that one time in third grade when I cheated on a vocabulary test.”
“That was one time! Plus, cheating is a violation of every academia’s code of conduct and you needed to learn that before you really got out of control!”
Heechul hung his head and gave a pitiful sigh. “I did go out of control this time, didn’t I?”
“Yes, Mr. Fucking Invincible, you did. But believe it or not, Han Geng has the gift of forgiveness in him.”
“I know that, but it’s not like I’m not worried that he won’t forgive me.”
“What are you worried about, then?”
“That he will.”
vii.
Lunch with Han Geng the next school afternoon was, for lack of a better word, tense. And it wasn’t because Heechul was wearing another one of his fitted collared shirt conservatively buttoned all the way to the top either.
“You’re quiet today,” Han Geng remarked conversationally as he took a deliberate bite of his sandwich. “Something bothering you?”
You have no idea. “Personal issues,” he answered sophisticatedly. It was becoming almost a second nature to behave like an erudite in front of Han Geng, which was both a good and bad thing considering the iffy circumstances.
“Then talk to me. These kinds of things are best discussed with a third party.”
Underline the term “third party”. Heechul sighed. “You know how you told me that you wanted to start your own business? Well, it’s something like that.”
“Oh, are you thinking about branching off from the path your parents set for you, too?”
“No,” the redhead exhaled exasperatedly. “It was supposed to be an analogy to my work ethics in which something will mean more to me if I worked hard for it myself. Flesh and blood and all.”
Han Geng grinned. “You of all people shouldn’t be worried about such things. You’ll be successful in life in whatever you do and if you stick at it you’ll achieve it. I really admire you, Heechul. You’re an intelligent person with a clear head on your shoulders.”
Heechul hung his head. “Han Geng, I’m not who you think I am.”
viii.
“He said what!”
Heechul cleaned out his accumulated earwax with a Q-tip and scowled. “Is it really that difficult to believe?”
Jungsu hung his mouth so low that the redhead was almost worried that a fly would have gotten in and choked him to death like that old lady in the children’s book that totally creeped him out when he was a kid. “Even after you told him absolutely everything, he still told you that-that-”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jungsu, grow up already!”
“Grow up? You’re telling me to grow up?” Jungsu pulled at his blond hair and roared (seriously, terrifyingly roared). “It’s the first sign of the apocalypse, I tell you! Next thing we know, the world will be exploding! Children will be dying! Chanel perfume will go out of date!”
“So Han Geng thinks that I’m intelligent,” the nonchalant diva rolled his eyes, annoyance building up inside him as he watched his best friend work himself into a coughing fit. “Big deal. Get over it.”
“It is a big deal!” the hyperventilating librarian flailed around. “You’ve been called bitchy, arrogant, and a whooping ass of a motherfucker, but this is the first time that somebody has ever called you intelligent! We have to mark this into the goddamn Korean calendar, dammit!”
“Jungsu, I think you caught the Stupid,” Heechul drawled.
“You think so?”
“Yah.”
Jungsu collapsed onto the bed from air-headedness just minutes later and Heechul let out a sigh of amused annoyance.
Earlier that afternoon, Heechul had pretty much confessed that he was a big fat-it’s true, I put on a few pounds!-motherfucking liar who had to study for an hour straight in order to understand the meaning of a fucking function (direct quote, mind you), and that he would understand if Han Geng chose to completely terminate his association with him (also a direct quote, surprisingly).
But then, Han Geng huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down. And he ate the third little piggy.
Which meant that he pretty much guffawed for ten minutes nonstop.
Heechul had sat there, transfixed, and started to seethe. “I just confessed a sin for the very first time of my life and all you do is laugh at me? I’m an atheist, too! Give me some credit, will you?”
“I’m sorry,” the Chinese boy had replied, wiping away the tears from the corners of his eyes. “It’s just that it’s the first time anybody has ever done that for me. I’m just really touched.”
“Huh?” Heechul had looked at Han Geng like he had four heads (he would have been fine with three, but can you imagine four heads sprouting out of that puny stick of a human neck, like ewww). “So wait, you’re not mad?”
“A little, but I’m more impressed than anything. You really are a wild beast, aren’t you?” Han Geng had shaken his head fondly, leaning over to press a chaste kiss on Heechul’s lips before the redhead had been able to do anything about it. “Intelligent, of course, but nevertheless wild.”
Heechul let out a deep sigh at the memory and flopped down onto the bed next to his passed out best friend. So in the end, because of Heechul’s hard work and perseverance, he and Han Geng hooked up, ready to face a shining future filled with arguments about world peace and the ozone layer.
And right at that moment, Heechul came to the conclusion that yes, he really was fucking invincible.