Why Kyuhyun Is (Not) In Love With Zhou Mi
Title: Why Kyuhyun Is (Not) In Love With Zhou Mi
Pairing(s): QMi
Genre(s): Romance, comedy, essay
Length: 2297 words
Rating: R
Summary: Kyuhyun is very very straight and very very heterosexual.
Inspiration(s): First time writing a one-shot with a rating higher than PG-13, so bear with me. I read an article on run-on sentences and this idea came into mind.
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Kyuhyun is not in love with Zhou Mi. There is no possible way he could be in love with Zhou Mi. Hell would freeze over before he falls in love with Zhou Mi.
Why? Because Kyuhyun is straight and heterosexual and therefore not gay and not homosexual. He is so straight he makes all the other straight people look gay. He is as straight as a die an arrow a straight line a very very straight thing that does nothing but be all straight and heterosexual all day because that’s just how straight he is. Kyuhyun is straight and likes girls and boobs and vaginas and gets a boner just thinking about them. He can only jerk off to pictures of scantily dressed (if dressed at all) women and only climaxes with girls in his mind. No, the girls do not transform into angles and mile-long leather-hugged legs and big noses and non-girls because Kyuhyun is straight.
Kyuhyun does not love Zhou Mi. Why? Because Zhou Mi is a man and is not a woman and is therefore not Kyuhyun’s type. Zhou Mi does not have boobs or vaginas and that therefore makes him sexually unappealing. There is nothing attractive about the way the man talks in his sexy masculine Chinese accent or how he smiles and flails his insanely long skinny arms around, and most importantly, there is definitely nothing attractive about how his long legs look when wearing skin-tight leather pants that makes every person within a fifty-mile radius drool or get a nosebleed (or in Kyuhyun’s case, both, but that’s only because he was tired and it was humid, goddammit!).
Kyuhyun does not like Zhou Mi’s hugs. Well, he does like doesn’t mind tolerates them, but only in a very straight, very man-to-man way. He likes Zhou Mi’s hugs the same way he likes Sungmin’s hugs or Siwon’s hugs or anybody-else-from-Super-Junior’s hugs, but not in the same he likes hugs from really hot nameless scantily-dressed girls with huge breasts. He does not like hates the way Zhou Mi’s angular shoulder blades feel underneath his palms and cannot wait to pry himself off of that too-thin excuse of a Chinese man whenever he finds himself pressed in a full-bodied embrace (it is all Zhou Mi’s doing, not Kyuhyun’s, just to make it perfectly clear). Whatever Sungmin says about Kyuhyun leaning into Zhou Mi’s touch is completely and entirely false because Kyuhyun is straight. Kyuhyun never leans into Zhou Mi’s touch on purpose, and those times when he did were total accidents coincidences because Kyuhyun is straight and thus never leans into any man’s touch.
According to Donghae, Kyuhyun always smiles when Zhou Mi is around. There is not much to argue for this particular accusation, because it is indeed true that Kyuhyun often smiles whenever Zhou Mi is in earshot. However, to take everything into account, Kyuhyun is not the only one who smiles whenever Zhou Mi is around. The smiles that Zhou Mi produces are contagious and infectious, and not only does it affect Kyuhyun, it also affects the rest of Super Junior as well as everybody else who manages to pass Zhou Mi’s way. If (smiling around Zhou Mi) = (gay), then (all of Super Junior) = (gay), which is totally not possible because (gayness) ≠ (infectious disease). Besides, what are the odds that all fifteen members turned out to be fags? Next to zero, right? Right. Also, don’t think that it would hurt to further underline and highlight the fact that Kyuhyun is in fact purely heterosexual.
During interviews, Kyuhyun does not like it when Zhou Mi puts his hand on his upper thigh. Kyuhyun is heterosexual and is thus not sexually aroused by the fact that there is a perfectly warm hand next to his groin. In fact, he is so turned off that his toes switch places in his shoes and he makes a face of utter concentration whenever that happens because he is just so disgusted at the invasion of personal space that Zhou Mi is committing (probably on purpose judging by the way he happily talks to the interviewer). However, Kyuhyun is too polite to correct it because Zhou Mi’s immorality may then be broadcasted on national television and may damage his reputation. He never pulls back because he thinks about the wellbeing of Super Junior M and the rest of the members, and instead endures it for their sake because that’s what he’s supposed to do as a contracted entertainer. And just to be sure, no, he never got a woodie whenever Zhou Mi’s mischievous hand squeezes, and whatever rumors Donghae is managing to spread about that are completely untrue. Straight men only get woodies when girls touch them, and Kyuhyun is the straightest of the straight and therefore Donghae’s rumor is proven wrong.
Kyuhyun does not think of Zhou Mi as anything but a friend coworker friend. Kyuhyun only thinks that Zhou Mi is a smiley and kindhearted person who takes care of hangs out with him because they’re chaps in the most non-sexual definition of the term. He only pries himself away from the computer and agrees to go shopping with Zhou Mi because he’s a nice person and not because he likes making Zhou Mi smile. He does not like it when they walk from shop to shop with their fingers intertwined because he is straight and hence only holds hands with slutty girls while trying to look down their shirts. He hates holding all of Zhou Mi’s shopping bags but he still does it because he is a good friend and not because Zhou Mi looks adorable whenever he is excited about an annual blowout sale. Kyuhyun likes it when Zhou Mi tries things on at the fitting room but only because it gives him a chance to sit down for once-not because he likes seeing Zhou Mi twirl in front of him when he throws the fitting room curtains open.
According to Heechul, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are joined together at the hip. Kyuhyun would like to point out that there are several things wrong with this accusation. One, it is almost impossible to be joined at the hip unless the bone structures and all that complicated anatomy line up correctly. Which they do not, just for your information. Two, Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun have to spend a lot of time together because they are the same height and can therefore talk to each other without looking down at the other short members (Siwon doesn’t count). Besides, Kyuhyun does not go out of his way to be with Zhou Mi because he is a man and men do not depend on another man’s presence. Three, there is no way Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun could be together all the time. Zhou Mi has extra dance practice, while Kyuhyun works on his vocalizations during the evenings. And no, Kyuhyun does not wait in front of the studio door just to be able to walk with Zhou Mi back to the dorms.
Kyuhyun does not want Zhou Mi. Heck, Kyuhyun never thinks of Zhou Mi as anything sexual. Nuh uh, not Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun does not think that there is anything sexual about how Zhou Mi sucks in the last of his bubble tea from a straw with his cheeks hollowing as he continues to. He does not get a boner whenever Zhou Mi sits on the couch in front of the television with his legs spread apart. To Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi is the least sexual living creature on the face of the planet-even less sexual than the Smurfs because we all know that those blue-skinned midgets are all asexual with no trace of libido in their systems.
Kyuhyun thoroughly believes that sex is all about dick-his dick. He does not think that it is icky to stick his dick into a vagina. No, he thinks that it’s such a turn on that if he had a choice he would be doing just that for the rest of his life. He does not think that having somebody else’s dick in his anal openi mangina hole would be sexually pleasurable. At all. In fact, he thinks that it is absolutely disgusting. Because he is straight. And because of his very heterosexual very straight sexual orientation, he definitely does not get wet dreams about getting his legs spread wider and wider as a sweaty and totally naked Zhou Mi relentlessly rams into him. And no matter what Sungmin and Donghae say, he most certainly never moans Zhou Mi, oh, Zhou Mi, faster! in his sleep. Unless Zhou Mi is a girl’s name, which it isn’t in this case, so he never did that because straight men moan out girl names (or unisex names, though that’s pushing it).
According to Sungmin-who is most likely getting paid to make Kyuhyun’s sexual orientation waver towards the very un-straight very un-heterosexual side-Kyuhyun cannot take his eyes off of Zhou Mi. As with Heechul’s accusation (see above), there are many paradoxes in this statement. One, there is no way in which Kyuhyun can physically glue his eyes onto Zhou Mi unless there is blood and a spoon involved (which is highly unlikely and can therefore be neglected from the equation). Two, on average a person blinks over twenty thousand times per day. Three, Kyuhyun has total control over his eyeballs, thank you very much, and he most certainly does not find it impossible to take his eyes off of Zhou Mi. Bam, accusation disproved!
Yes, it is true that Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun kissed in their dorm room and that Heechul walked in on them and fangirl squealed. However, any speculations that Kyuhyun reciprocated, positively reacted, or in any way enjoyed such harassment is totally and completely fictitious. Kyuhyun did not, I repeat, did not in any way contribute to the act of kissing the gangly man. It was a totally unexpected moment since Kyuhyun had assumed that Zhou Mi’s face was just slowly leaning towards his own because he needed to check on any acne problems that Kyuhyun might have had (which are many, but that is not the problem at the moment, ahem, moving on!). Kyuhyun unquestionably did not expect that Zhou Mi was slowly leaning forward in order to press his soft smooth thin lovely lips against Kyuhyun’s chapped ones, nor had he expected that Zhou Mi would gently cup the back of his head and consequently block the only leeway for Kyuhyun to pull away. And no, he did not get a boner. (Because he is straight).
Before you ask, no, Kyuhyun did not enjoy the kiss. Any suppositions otherwise are fabricated. He is straight and heterosexual, and therefore he did not like the kiss. If he had been kissing a nameless faceless hot girl with big breasts, then yes, he would have enjoyed the kiss a lot, but no, since he had been kissing breastless Zhou Mi, he did not like the kiss. Kyuhyun is heterosexual, did he mention that?
And also, before you ask, no, Kyuhyun did not get any boobless fantasies after the incident. That time he jerked off in the shower, he was thinking about the latest porno (heterosexual non-gay porno) he watched, not about a certain sexy smiley Chinese man. He was imagining himself thrusting forwards into a female body while watching as perfect pink nipples bounced up and down right in front of his eyes. He was not thinking about being on all fours, face pressing into a pillow as he got perfectly and thoroughly fucked into next week. And he did not yell out Zhou Mi when he came: he yelled out a girl name that could have sounded distinctly like Zhou Mi if you tried hard enough to decipher it but it wasn’t Zhou Mi because Kyuhyun is straight.
When Zhou Mi finally managed to confront Kyuhyun in a corner of their dorm room (no, Kyuhyun was not running away from Zhou Mi because straight men do not run and Kyuhyun is straight), Kyuhyun did not start to blush so hard that it was painful. He also did not stammer, giggle, or nervously twirl a strand of his hair like a teenaged schoolgirl. He most undoubtedly did not feel his heart flutter when Zhou Mi poured out his innermost feelings in the most heartfelt confession in the history of heartfelt confessions. And he certainly was not about to melt into a pile of happy goo at the fact that Zhou Mi really did love him back. Nope, none of that ever happened.
Because Kyuhyun. Is. Straight.
“I love you,” Kyuhyun finds himself whispering as Zhou Mi continues on rambling about beautiful voices and not ruining perfect friendships and something about getting advice from Heechul.
Wait, Cho Kyuhyun is straight. Straight men do not say I love you to other straight?bisexual?gay? men. Straight men flex their biceps, get penis enlargements, and lift heavy things, and Kyuhyun is strai-
Zhou Mi stops in mid-word and is stunned into silence. “Say what?”
“I love you,” Kyuhyun repeats, louder this time, and in his mind the very straight and very heterosexual Kyuhyun tells him that this is not in the Code of Conduct and that he was violating every rule under the Straight and Heterosexual Rules and Regulations section.
And as the very straight and very heterosexual part of his brain gets kicked to the curb and gets replaced by the totally-in-love-with-Zhou-Mi-and-therefore-maybe-bisexual-but-I-don’t-give-a-shit-anymore part of his brain, Kyuhyun manages to kiss the man he loves with all the non-straight non-heterosexual power invested in him before the top of his head blows off in volcanic cheerfulness.
Outside the room, Heechul, Donghae, and Sungmin cheer while Siwon gives up praying for their souls.
Pairing(s): QMi
Genre(s): Romance, comedy, essay
Length: 2297 words
Rating: R
Summary: Kyuhyun is very very straight and very very heterosexual.
Inspiration(s): First time writing a one-shot with a rating higher than PG-13, so bear with me. I read an article on run-on sentences and this idea came into mind.
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Kyuhyun is not in love with Zhou Mi. There is no possible way he could be in love with Zhou Mi. Hell would freeze over before he falls in love with Zhou Mi.
Why? Because Kyuhyun is straight and heterosexual and therefore not gay and not homosexual. He is so straight he makes all the other straight people look gay. He is as straight as a die an arrow a straight line a very very straight thing that does nothing but be all straight and heterosexual all day because that’s just how straight he is. Kyuhyun is straight and likes girls and boobs and vaginas and gets a boner just thinking about them. He can only jerk off to pictures of scantily dressed (if dressed at all) women and only climaxes with girls in his mind. No, the girls do not transform into angles and mile-long leather-hugged legs and big noses and non-girls because Kyuhyun is straight.
Kyuhyun does not love Zhou Mi. Why? Because Zhou Mi is a man and is not a woman and is therefore not Kyuhyun’s type. Zhou Mi does not have boobs or vaginas and that therefore makes him sexually unappealing. There is nothing attractive about the way the man talks in his sexy masculine Chinese accent or how he smiles and flails his insanely long skinny arms around, and most importantly, there is definitely nothing attractive about how his long legs look when wearing skin-tight leather pants that makes every person within a fifty-mile radius drool or get a nosebleed (or in Kyuhyun’s case, both, but that’s only because he was tired and it was humid, goddammit!).
Kyuhyun does not like Zhou Mi’s hugs. Well, he does like doesn’t mind tolerates them, but only in a very straight, very man-to-man way. He likes Zhou Mi’s hugs the same way he likes Sungmin’s hugs or Siwon’s hugs or anybody-else-from-Super-Junior’s hugs, but not in the same he likes hugs from really hot nameless scantily-dressed girls with huge breasts. He does not like hates the way Zhou Mi’s angular shoulder blades feel underneath his palms and cannot wait to pry himself off of that too-thin excuse of a Chinese man whenever he finds himself pressed in a full-bodied embrace (it is all Zhou Mi’s doing, not Kyuhyun’s, just to make it perfectly clear). Whatever Sungmin says about Kyuhyun leaning into Zhou Mi’s touch is completely and entirely false because Kyuhyun is straight. Kyuhyun never leans into Zhou Mi’s touch on purpose, and those times when he did were total accidents coincidences because Kyuhyun is straight and thus never leans into any man’s touch.
According to Donghae, Kyuhyun always smiles when Zhou Mi is around. There is not much to argue for this particular accusation, because it is indeed true that Kyuhyun often smiles whenever Zhou Mi is in earshot. However, to take everything into account, Kyuhyun is not the only one who smiles whenever Zhou Mi is around. The smiles that Zhou Mi produces are contagious and infectious, and not only does it affect Kyuhyun, it also affects the rest of Super Junior as well as everybody else who manages to pass Zhou Mi’s way. If (smiling around Zhou Mi) = (gay), then (all of Super Junior) = (gay), which is totally not possible because (gayness) ≠ (infectious disease). Besides, what are the odds that all fifteen members turned out to be fags? Next to zero, right? Right. Also, don’t think that it would hurt to further underline and highlight the fact that Kyuhyun is in fact purely heterosexual.
During interviews, Kyuhyun does not like it when Zhou Mi puts his hand on his upper thigh. Kyuhyun is heterosexual and is thus not sexually aroused by the fact that there is a perfectly warm hand next to his groin. In fact, he is so turned off that his toes switch places in his shoes and he makes a face of utter concentration whenever that happens because he is just so disgusted at the invasion of personal space that Zhou Mi is committing (probably on purpose judging by the way he happily talks to the interviewer). However, Kyuhyun is too polite to correct it because Zhou Mi’s immorality may then be broadcasted on national television and may damage his reputation. He never pulls back because he thinks about the wellbeing of Super Junior M and the rest of the members, and instead endures it for their sake because that’s what he’s supposed to do as a contracted entertainer. And just to be sure, no, he never got a woodie whenever Zhou Mi’s mischievous hand squeezes, and whatever rumors Donghae is managing to spread about that are completely untrue. Straight men only get woodies when girls touch them, and Kyuhyun is the straightest of the straight and therefore Donghae’s rumor is proven wrong.
Kyuhyun does not think of Zhou Mi as anything but a friend coworker friend. Kyuhyun only thinks that Zhou Mi is a smiley and kindhearted person who takes care of hangs out with him because they’re chaps in the most non-sexual definition of the term. He only pries himself away from the computer and agrees to go shopping with Zhou Mi because he’s a nice person and not because he likes making Zhou Mi smile. He does not like it when they walk from shop to shop with their fingers intertwined because he is straight and hence only holds hands with slutty girls while trying to look down their shirts. He hates holding all of Zhou Mi’s shopping bags but he still does it because he is a good friend and not because Zhou Mi looks adorable whenever he is excited about an annual blowout sale. Kyuhyun likes it when Zhou Mi tries things on at the fitting room but only because it gives him a chance to sit down for once-not because he likes seeing Zhou Mi twirl in front of him when he throws the fitting room curtains open.
According to Heechul, Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi are joined together at the hip. Kyuhyun would like to point out that there are several things wrong with this accusation. One, it is almost impossible to be joined at the hip unless the bone structures and all that complicated anatomy line up correctly. Which they do not, just for your information. Two, Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun have to spend a lot of time together because they are the same height and can therefore talk to each other without looking down at the other short members (Siwon doesn’t count). Besides, Kyuhyun does not go out of his way to be with Zhou Mi because he is a man and men do not depend on another man’s presence. Three, there is no way Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun could be together all the time. Zhou Mi has extra dance practice, while Kyuhyun works on his vocalizations during the evenings. And no, Kyuhyun does not wait in front of the studio door just to be able to walk with Zhou Mi back to the dorms.
Kyuhyun does not want Zhou Mi. Heck, Kyuhyun never thinks of Zhou Mi as anything sexual. Nuh uh, not Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun does not think that there is anything sexual about how Zhou Mi sucks in the last of his bubble tea from a straw with his cheeks hollowing as he continues to. He does not get a boner whenever Zhou Mi sits on the couch in front of the television with his legs spread apart. To Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi is the least sexual living creature on the face of the planet-even less sexual than the Smurfs because we all know that those blue-skinned midgets are all asexual with no trace of libido in their systems.
Kyuhyun thoroughly believes that sex is all about dick-his dick. He does not think that it is icky to stick his dick into a vagina. No, he thinks that it’s such a turn on that if he had a choice he would be doing just that for the rest of his life. He does not think that having somebody else’s dick in his anal openi mangina hole would be sexually pleasurable. At all. In fact, he thinks that it is absolutely disgusting. Because he is straight. And because of his very heterosexual very straight sexual orientation, he definitely does not get wet dreams about getting his legs spread wider and wider as a sweaty and totally naked Zhou Mi relentlessly rams into him. And no matter what Sungmin and Donghae say, he most certainly never moans Zhou Mi, oh, Zhou Mi, faster! in his sleep. Unless Zhou Mi is a girl’s name, which it isn’t in this case, so he never did that because straight men moan out girl names (or unisex names, though that’s pushing it).
According to Sungmin-who is most likely getting paid to make Kyuhyun’s sexual orientation waver towards the very un-straight very un-heterosexual side-Kyuhyun cannot take his eyes off of Zhou Mi. As with Heechul’s accusation (see above), there are many paradoxes in this statement. One, there is no way in which Kyuhyun can physically glue his eyes onto Zhou Mi unless there is blood and a spoon involved (which is highly unlikely and can therefore be neglected from the equation). Two, on average a person blinks over twenty thousand times per day. Three, Kyuhyun has total control over his eyeballs, thank you very much, and he most certainly does not find it impossible to take his eyes off of Zhou Mi. Bam, accusation disproved!
Yes, it is true that Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun kissed in their dorm room and that Heechul walked in on them and fangirl squealed. However, any speculations that Kyuhyun reciprocated, positively reacted, or in any way enjoyed such harassment is totally and completely fictitious. Kyuhyun did not, I repeat, did not in any way contribute to the act of kissing the gangly man. It was a totally unexpected moment since Kyuhyun had assumed that Zhou Mi’s face was just slowly leaning towards his own because he needed to check on any acne problems that Kyuhyun might have had (which are many, but that is not the problem at the moment, ahem, moving on!). Kyuhyun unquestionably did not expect that Zhou Mi was slowly leaning forward in order to press his soft smooth thin lovely lips against Kyuhyun’s chapped ones, nor had he expected that Zhou Mi would gently cup the back of his head and consequently block the only leeway for Kyuhyun to pull away. And no, he did not get a boner. (Because he is straight).
Before you ask, no, Kyuhyun did not enjoy the kiss. Any suppositions otherwise are fabricated. He is straight and heterosexual, and therefore he did not like the kiss. If he had been kissing a nameless faceless hot girl with big breasts, then yes, he would have enjoyed the kiss a lot, but no, since he had been kissing breastless Zhou Mi, he did not like the kiss. Kyuhyun is heterosexual, did he mention that?
And also, before you ask, no, Kyuhyun did not get any boobless fantasies after the incident. That time he jerked off in the shower, he was thinking about the latest porno (heterosexual non-gay porno) he watched, not about a certain sexy smiley Chinese man. He was imagining himself thrusting forwards into a female body while watching as perfect pink nipples bounced up and down right in front of his eyes. He was not thinking about being on all fours, face pressing into a pillow as he got perfectly and thoroughly fucked into next week. And he did not yell out Zhou Mi when he came: he yelled out a girl name that could have sounded distinctly like Zhou Mi if you tried hard enough to decipher it but it wasn’t Zhou Mi because Kyuhyun is straight.
When Zhou Mi finally managed to confront Kyuhyun in a corner of their dorm room (no, Kyuhyun was not running away from Zhou Mi because straight men do not run and Kyuhyun is straight), Kyuhyun did not start to blush so hard that it was painful. He also did not stammer, giggle, or nervously twirl a strand of his hair like a teenaged schoolgirl. He most undoubtedly did not feel his heart flutter when Zhou Mi poured out his innermost feelings in the most heartfelt confession in the history of heartfelt confessions. And he certainly was not about to melt into a pile of happy goo at the fact that Zhou Mi really did love him back. Nope, none of that ever happened.
Because Kyuhyun. Is. Straight.
“I love you,” Kyuhyun finds himself whispering as Zhou Mi continues on rambling about beautiful voices and not ruining perfect friendships and something about getting advice from Heechul.
Wait, Cho Kyuhyun is straight. Straight men do not say I love you to other straight?bisexual?gay? men. Straight men flex their biceps, get penis enlargements, and lift heavy things, and Kyuhyun is strai-
Zhou Mi stops in mid-word and is stunned into silence. “Say what?”
“I love you,” Kyuhyun repeats, louder this time, and in his mind the very straight and very heterosexual Kyuhyun tells him that this is not in the Code of Conduct and that he was violating every rule under the Straight and Heterosexual Rules and Regulations section.
And as the very straight and very heterosexual part of his brain gets kicked to the curb and gets replaced by the totally-in-love-with-Zhou-Mi-and-therefore-maybe-bisexual-but-I-don’t-give-a-shit-anymore part of his brain, Kyuhyun manages to kiss the man he loves with all the non-straight non-heterosexual power invested in him before the top of his head blows off in volcanic cheerfulness.
Outside the room, Heechul, Donghae, and Sungmin cheer while Siwon gives up praying for their souls.