i'm your stranger. jump.
i was thinking about in how Closer, when Alice asks Dan what makes Anna sexier and more desirable than her, Dan says it's because Anna doesn't need Dan the way Alice does. i wonder if it can ever be sexy to know that someone needs you, and if in turn, it can ever feel sexy to need another person. but mostly, i wonder how it happens that a person comes to need another, in the case of healthy adults. how far does it have to go before you emotionally need another person for your existence? Dan said that Alice needed him, and yet she didn't. she walked out while he wasn't looking, by choice, and made it on her own. did Dan simply choose to believe that she needed him? did Alice, for a time, make the same choice? maybe it was a game they played. a game that all people are capable of playing. for there to be a transactional game, so i've read, all there needs to be are roles, a payoff, and an antithesis. i can even see the ego states of it: Adult to Adult at the social level becomes Child to Parent at the psychological level. the antithesis is reality, but what's the payoff to needing? i should probably know myself, since i've desired sometimes to be irreplaceable in someone's life and have people who are irreplaceable in my own. it's surely a similar idea, yet i can't qualify it into words. what's the payoff? closeness. intimacy.
Dan: i love you.
Alice: where?
Dan: what?
Alice: show me! where is this love? i can't see it, i can't touch it, i can't feel it. i can hear it. i can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words.
i wonder if you can ever really get what you want from love. that is, if it's not all a series of illusions in the first place. i feel as though i have so much love to give to another person, and yet it never really happens. probably because i know i want the same in return. i want to do great things for another person. i want to give rapt attention to the desires of another human being, all while maintaining the independence of both parties. i don't want needing, i want volition. i want to know that i'll have the same. i want immensity and independence. and i want it in return.
Dan: i love you.
Alice: where?
Dan: what?
Alice: show me! where is this love? i can't see it, i can't touch it, i can't feel it. i can hear it. i can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words.
i wonder if you can ever really get what you want from love. that is, if it's not all a series of illusions in the first place. i feel as though i have so much love to give to another person, and yet it never really happens. probably because i know i want the same in return. i want to do great things for another person. i want to give rapt attention to the desires of another human being, all while maintaining the independence of both parties. i don't want needing, i want volition. i want to know that i'll have the same. i want immensity and independence. and i want it in return.