If I Just Breathe... Part 1
Ok, SO I AM GOING TO TYPE AS Much as I can of this now…and then figure out the rest later. I am upset. Very upset. I am angry at Alex, and Alex, and my life, and Tyler and Tim. I feel angry and I am quite unsure of how to act. I guess I should start from the beginning. Ok, let’s start here. My iTunes isn’t working, and I need the music to calm down. At least that’s what I believe. Maybe I’m wrong.
Amanda’s Wedding Shower. My best friend’s older sister is getting married. But that’s a whole nother story. I mean, I really don’t need to go on about my anti-marriage theories and so forth. It’s too much. But at the shower, my mom and Gene were discussing me in front of me, you know that joking bit? Anyway, making fun of me turned into appreciation and eventually my mother made a comment that I don’t exactly remember (and getting it wrong will throw it out of context) but it was basically about how I can’t be tamed. Not in the bad way, just that I have this beautiful, wild spirit. It was such a huge compliment, that I shut up for the next couple of minutes.
Rocky. My PA something or other. He’s huge in the program. I don’t particularly love him, but he’s got a point. He’s basically the asshole that isn’t appreciated now, but will be later. Point is, today he went on about publishing things on the internet, and how it is a bad idea and so on and so forth. I don’t have a Facebook, I don’t have a myspace, but I’ve always had a Livejournal. Is my name posted anywhere?
Sorry, why do so many people believe I’m smart? Like, smart compared to whom? Pinky? From Pinky and the Brain? Cuz I really mean it. I’m no where as smart as people seem to believe I am. Where did they get the idea anyway?
My personality. I forgot to mention my entire reason for posting. Other than to learn to control my anger, actually that’s it. Well, that’s part of it. To date, I have taken three personality tests worthy of printing. Two of which have been taken in the past 4 months. I should only talk about the two most recent tests because your personality changes over time. Which is basically why you shouldn’t get married young, but let’s not get into that. The first test categorized me as both a negotiator and an explorer. Primarily, as a negotiator, I am imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, trusting, and introspective (among other things). Secondly, as an explorer, I am impulsive and spontaneous, curious, creative, flexible, open-minded, and energetic. That’s a good summary. Now the second personality test went into a little more depth, astrology-wise. Hmm, what is most important to document? Oh, I know! Because my father was rejected as a role model, my concept of what a man should be is based upon an ideal, resulting in unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships. Very, very true. And therefore, I fantasize way too often. But that’s the only time I really get what I want. Also, because my emotional needs were not met when I was a child, I tend to not express anger, pain or resentment except when I am in an infrequent rage. “This is a problem in close relationships.” I want and fear a close personal relationship. I will be unhappy in a relationship unless I first have success and stability in a career. This is all very true. It explains a lot. Or, basically it verifies what my mom says. I’m a wild, crazy person that only someone with severe amounts of patience can put up with. Someone who will fight for me until the end. Or is that my ideal concept of love?
I seriously can’t believe how upset I am. Alex says I need to find a way to channel my anger. What are the choices again? Exercise and religion. (Try not to laugh.) I keep thinking after the surgery I’ll magically become addicted to attaining this ideal body. It would be ironic if I picked up kick boxing.
I have to go again. This time, if I come back, I am not… I don’t know if I have patience for this. But hopefully my anger will fuel my studying therefore enabling myself to get an A on tomorrow’s microbiology exam. Streptococcus pyogenes?
Amanda’s Wedding Shower. My best friend’s older sister is getting married. But that’s a whole nother story. I mean, I really don’t need to go on about my anti-marriage theories and so forth. It’s too much. But at the shower, my mom and Gene were discussing me in front of me, you know that joking bit? Anyway, making fun of me turned into appreciation and eventually my mother made a comment that I don’t exactly remember (and getting it wrong will throw it out of context) but it was basically about how I can’t be tamed. Not in the bad way, just that I have this beautiful, wild spirit. It was such a huge compliment, that I shut up for the next couple of minutes.
Rocky. My PA something or other. He’s huge in the program. I don’t particularly love him, but he’s got a point. He’s basically the asshole that isn’t appreciated now, but will be later. Point is, today he went on about publishing things on the internet, and how it is a bad idea and so on and so forth. I don’t have a Facebook, I don’t have a myspace, but I’ve always had a Livejournal. Is my name posted anywhere?
Sorry, why do so many people believe I’m smart? Like, smart compared to whom? Pinky? From Pinky and the Brain? Cuz I really mean it. I’m no where as smart as people seem to believe I am. Where did they get the idea anyway?
My personality. I forgot to mention my entire reason for posting. Other than to learn to control my anger, actually that’s it. Well, that’s part of it. To date, I have taken three personality tests worthy of printing. Two of which have been taken in the past 4 months. I should only talk about the two most recent tests because your personality changes over time. Which is basically why you shouldn’t get married young, but let’s not get into that. The first test categorized me as both a negotiator and an explorer. Primarily, as a negotiator, I am imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, trusting, and introspective (among other things). Secondly, as an explorer, I am impulsive and spontaneous, curious, creative, flexible, open-minded, and energetic. That’s a good summary. Now the second personality test went into a little more depth, astrology-wise. Hmm, what is most important to document? Oh, I know! Because my father was rejected as a role model, my concept of what a man should be is based upon an ideal, resulting in unrealistic expectations in close personal relationships. Very, very true. And therefore, I fantasize way too often. But that’s the only time I really get what I want. Also, because my emotional needs were not met when I was a child, I tend to not express anger, pain or resentment except when I am in an infrequent rage. “This is a problem in close relationships.” I want and fear a close personal relationship. I will be unhappy in a relationship unless I first have success and stability in a career. This is all very true. It explains a lot. Or, basically it verifies what my mom says. I’m a wild, crazy person that only someone with severe amounts of patience can put up with. Someone who will fight for me until the end. Or is that my ideal concept of love?
I seriously can’t believe how upset I am. Alex says I need to find a way to channel my anger. What are the choices again? Exercise and religion. (Try not to laugh.) I keep thinking after the surgery I’ll magically become addicted to attaining this ideal body. It would be ironic if I picked up kick boxing.
I have to go again. This time, if I come back, I am not… I don’t know if I have patience for this. But hopefully my anger will fuel my studying therefore enabling myself to get an A on tomorrow’s microbiology exam. Streptococcus pyogenes?