Musings of a Tired Mind
Man, I never thought I'd have such issues meeting guys. Actually, wait, scratch that, I really did. I knew perfectly well that out of high school, dating would be really hard for me. I suppose my only hope is online dating or making a male friend in the Vet Tech program. Ha! What guys are gonna be in a 25 person group working with animals? I have very little hope for meeting anyone there. I guess that leaves online dating. The problem there lies in the fact that I feel like I'm controlling my fate. I don't want to have a "pick and choose" boyfriend. I also feel like I scare off but the most desperate, and I don't know why. Bleh. Boys.
I don't even know if I'm ready to date, really. I mean, part of teh time I'm like "yeah look at all these cool people I can date now," and then a part of me is like " but there's so much effort and nervousness that goes into it. And I don't have to emotionally support another person." But then sometimes I go home and the lonliness is so crushing and so bleak that even talking to the friends I have online isn't enough. I miss the touch of another person, those hugs that mean "I want you to be with me" and never really quite end. I got so used to being merged with another person that I feel kind of lost without that feeling of warm touch. As much as I love my friends I can't necessarily "cuddle" with them. Part of my problem right now would be the fact that I really don't have a best friend. Missy gets close but I know that she's only temporary and I'll be essentially friendless once more. That part is going to suck. hopefully I'll make friends next fall, otherwise I'm kind of screwed. I miss voluntary hugs too. I never really get those any more. I always offer hugs, even to my family. It's not a "Surprise! I love you!" hug. I miss those. They always gave me warm fuzzies. I never realized how much I missed it till I started living totally alone after Robert broke up with me. I am beginning to have trouble remembering what we were like, which is unsurprising, but I didn't want to forget. It's like forgetting everything that's happened to me in the last three years. Which is a lot.
I have low days. I don't know whether this is a sign of healing or not, but hey are days when I can't help but think of every depressing thing that's happened in the last year, and every painfully sweet moment in my relationship with Robert. It gets to the point where I don't want to be home or alone because I don't know what I'm going to do. I try to write out the infection, but sometimes that doesn't help, and I worry, just a little, if every time I have a low day I might lose a little more of my mind. I want to go see someone, but I don't know if I'm okay enough to do it on my own.
Gah, I'm just messed up and it's late. If I go to bed I can hit the reset button on my emotions and maybe draw a lucky card for tomorrow. That would be awesome.
I don't even know if I'm ready to date, really. I mean, part of teh time I'm like "yeah look at all these cool people I can date now," and then a part of me is like " but there's so much effort and nervousness that goes into it. And I don't have to emotionally support another person." But then sometimes I go home and the lonliness is so crushing and so bleak that even talking to the friends I have online isn't enough. I miss the touch of another person, those hugs that mean "I want you to be with me" and never really quite end. I got so used to being merged with another person that I feel kind of lost without that feeling of warm touch. As much as I love my friends I can't necessarily "cuddle" with them. Part of my problem right now would be the fact that I really don't have a best friend. Missy gets close but I know that she's only temporary and I'll be essentially friendless once more. That part is going to suck. hopefully I'll make friends next fall, otherwise I'm kind of screwed. I miss voluntary hugs too. I never really get those any more. I always offer hugs, even to my family. It's not a "Surprise! I love you!" hug. I miss those. They always gave me warm fuzzies. I never realized how much I missed it till I started living totally alone after Robert broke up with me. I am beginning to have trouble remembering what we were like, which is unsurprising, but I didn't want to forget. It's like forgetting everything that's happened to me in the last three years. Which is a lot.
I have low days. I don't know whether this is a sign of healing or not, but hey are days when I can't help but think of every depressing thing that's happened in the last year, and every painfully sweet moment in my relationship with Robert. It gets to the point where I don't want to be home or alone because I don't know what I'm going to do. I try to write out the infection, but sometimes that doesn't help, and I worry, just a little, if every time I have a low day I might lose a little more of my mind. I want to go see someone, but I don't know if I'm okay enough to do it on my own.
Gah, I'm just messed up and it's late. If I go to bed I can hit the reset button on my emotions and maybe draw a lucky card for tomorrow. That would be awesome.