she killed him in every little way he had her first and every way he didn't
Title: Loving Isabella Swan
Fandom: Twilight.
Character + Pairing (if any): Jacob/Bella, Edward/Bella, Mike/Bella
Rating: PG
Spoilers (if any): Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse. AU Breaking Dawn.
1. twilight smiles.
Out of my League - Stephen Speaks
--
He watches her at lunch, Jessica breezing through the introductions, wishing desperately that her eyes will linger upon him, but she just nods her head and plays with her food, her eyes skimming over the room, seeing him. Mike cannot help but scowl, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Angela rests a hand on his, and gives him a look that makes him sigh, and shove on his poker face hastily.
--
Edward sees her echoed in the heads of every student in the small, suffocating school. She’s played to him, a tantalising chorus over and over and over again. He sees her, but so do they, and that makes her little to nothing to him, until he smells her - until her hair dances across the wicked breeze. It’s then that she is everything. (mine, mine, mine). One way or another.
--
She’s been hidden away in his bedside draw since he was twelve years old, this puzzling, beautiful memory - his best kept secret. Jacob Black does not keep many things hidden or treasured - he’s never had a reason to, but her, her he’s always wanted to be just his. It was never anything to do with how she looked, or how she was - it began with a mutual aversion of his twin sisters. And standing there upon first beach, looking across at her, somewhere, hidden in those dying eyes, that girl is still there. (He loves her most).
2. new moon breaks
Me and the Moon - Something Corporate
--
When Edward leaves, so does she, and Mike has trouble finding all the pieces again. (he gets all but one). She flits in and out of his life just as he flits in and out of hers - nothing make sense anymore. But he’s trying, trying, trying, pulling out all his stops. He’s the hero after all, and she’s the damsel in distress, but their stories don’t match up. His rescue starts off slow (so slow) and he’s scared she’s going to stop all together. But he keeps telling himself, maybe tomorrow, as he whispers quiet conversation in her ear, waiting for her to reply back. Angela offers her sympathetic gaze, but Bella’s just staring longingly at the table where she used to belong. They’re gone, but it kills him when it just can’t be forgotten. It’s a constant chase - I’m here, he says, and one lazy Saturday she murmurs, I know.
But he’s there.
--
Incomplete Lullaby - Lisa Mitchell
--
When he leaves her, he leaves himself behind in hope of becoming every part of him that she could never love. It’s easier that way, he promises, and at Alice’s protestations, he merely shakes his head - she loves you too. But as he slinks his way down country roads, lost in the darkness of night, lost in his own emptiness, she is there, lighting his way, and he can’t see without her. He’s miserable in himself, an archangel fallen (falling, falling, falling) with nobody there to catch him - a martyr for his love. And when her light goes out there are frozen tears, then smiles, because finally, finally, the ground is in sight.
--
Shine - Mike Vogel
--
It’s a long and painful process, killing yourself little by little by little to save someone else, but then she laughs or smiles, and he knows that he’s doing the right thing. She still cries for him in her sleep, he can hear her, echoing in his head and it pushes him further, faster, stronger, because he knows he can help her to live again. And she does, day by day by day, but he keeps creeping back into her life in the littlest of ways - the shadow clouding her sunshine, and dammit, he’s had enough. Jacob Black wants little in this world, he’s content with where he is and where he’s going, but the only thing he’s ever asked for is just ripped from him, time and time again. He wants her, all of her, but the shadow clings too strong.
And he doesn’t know which one she is anymore.
--
3. eclipses pull at heartstrings
See You Soon - Coldplay
--
It’s a race against everything he’s ever known, and everything he’ll ever feel, just pushing through the barrier to see her again. He’s had his chances ripped away - a medal stripped from his shirt. He was so close. But she’s calling for him, and he smiles as he pulls further and further away - you have to lose to win and it’s a real man’s world now, and hey, at least he’s got breathing on his side, even if it hurts when she’s not there. And as time comes ticking, ticking, ticking he can watch her when she sleeps (he rules her heart there). She comes to him again and again, and he starts to meet her half way again, because it’s never been just friends. He’s known for years, and he thinks maybe, now she’s ready to open her eyes.
(open her heart).
--
I Will Crumble - Mike Vogel
--
There’s an odd sort of comfort when she’s sleeping, a moment to sit back and breathe, as the expression suggests he should. A moment to feel her and everything she is. She doesn’t know how much he needs these nighttime hours, and he’s glad she never will. She’s most human when she turns and sighs, and each time she does so he falls into her again and again and again, but he’ll never admit it. He knows this is how it should be forever, but he knows that with forever this will disappear, the paradox he longs to escape. His thoughts sound to the rhythm of her beating heart. Edward Cullen knows everything about everyone, but she is his puzzle. There is only one thing he knows for sure - he loves her, and he could not spend a single moment without her, one way or another.
--
She Says - Howie Day
--
The day the invitations arrive one is far, far, far away, chasing his past in places it never was. The other is drowning his hopes and dreams in smells foreign but somehow just strong enough to mask his hurt. They remember back to days of movie theatres and boyish conquests and sigh. ‘I’d rather him’ falls so easily from their lips now. The wolfish grin subsided into howls dreams of wedding dresses discarded, but warmer than her still, the human wonders if he could have ever been enough. Not enough, the other would say, but more than she needs, less than she wants. It goes unnoticed when they both shudder and teeth sink lower, lower, lower onto her neck.
I don’t know if it makes any difference to them now, but she shivered too.
--
4. breaking dawns, shining lights.
All Over You - The Spill Canvas
--
There’s whispers of her return, and he can’t help hope that she’ll be knocking on his door, stopping by for coffee and news, anything. She doesn’t. Her presence is a mystery, and even Charlie hasn’t seen her in months, but she’s here, they say, she was out last night, but god how she’s changed. He doesn’t want to know. And he’s lurking ‘round that Cullen house, lights on, shadows moving, music playing but no voices. The lights are on but nobody’s home, ironic considering what he’s walked her through. He slips into a pattern, night after night following the same beaten track, craning for a glimpse, the same obsession he thought he’d shaken, the same dull ache that’s never quite disappeared. He doesn’t hear her approach, but she’s in front of him, perfect hair, perfect face, but when did she get so cold? Bella? She smiles softly and nods, looks up to him and eyes blazing red. He stumbles, she catches his arm and he shivers away. She laughs, soft, melodic, finger to her mouth. Our little secret? But she’s always been his best-kept secret, and god knows he didn’t keep her long.
--
The Brilliant Dance - Dashboard Confessional
--
She doesn’t talk to him for weeks.
He stands over her, watching, exasperation creasing his brow, familiar hands keeping him from going under. He only did what she wanted, but she’s Bella, and she only does what’s easiest for him. But dying makes being alive that much harder, and the constant darkness makes forgetting the sunlight so much easier. The silence seems to suite her constant afterlife, but it kills him all over again inside. He’s tired of this monotony, scared to tread on toes that can’t be broken anymore, but her breathings at an even pace of nonexistent and she’s not going anywhere until she remembers how. The hours drown on and on like the years before she was born and he doesn’t know what to say to her anymore. And when he finds her wedding ring discarded in boxes of when she was alive, he knows it’s too late.
I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it.
And I can’t do it comes too late.
--
Cheer's Darlin' - Damien Rice
--
He never does stop running.
He’s travelled the world by the time she comes looking for him, and every brunette he sees along his travels is just another excuse to run faster and further, drowning out the constant reminders of his yesterday, floating in his head with heavy footsteps along beaten pathways. But every beat of his wolf like heart is just another memory sifting through his mind, another regret, another shame. (Here’s where all four meet, but only two have the rhythm, the other two make the dance). He’s tired, and she can run faster than him now, it was only logical that they meet along the way. (There’s never been any logic to it, he argues). He’s been destroyed by her time and time again, and here she is, white, cold, alone, once love, now enemy, promises of racing away together lacing her lips. She doesn’t realise how late she is and he sighs and pushes her away. (But you were my sun, she protests, disbelief in her red, red eyes.)
You don’t need me in order to shine anymore.
--
What You Wanted - Angus and Julia Stone
--
He stands behind counters, packing shelves and being Mike as his past slowly disappears from him, person by person by person. He doesn’t remember most their names by the time he’s twenty-five, a plethora of not quite relationships fill the void, and he almost doesn’t recognise her when she steps into the store. The customary how can I help you falls from his lips, but at second glance he knows she knows the lines well. Her words startle him. I used to live here, and when I was seventeen there was a boy I didn’t give the light of day. I was wondering if maybe he’s still around. He breathes it out - old habits die hard. Bella. She hasn’t aged a day, but there are marks of sleepless nights clouding her eyes. He smiles, checking his watch and stepping towards her, always having to make the first move. Bella, you’re no more here than I am. If she were, maybe she would have laughed at the sound of the door tinkling as he walks out on her for the first time in his life.
As it is, she stands unchanged, unknown, unnoticed.
Unloved.
--
5. forever dark.
Grey Room - Damien Rice
--
Forever comes by slowly when you face each day alone, even longer when the memories finally fade, each day, week, month, year runs into the next, the inky splatter that is her existence. She doesn’t remember their names, only what they were, and what it feels like now they aren’t there, because the memories form a blanket, and it’s shrinking fast.
Just a wedding ring. A motorbike. And an empty, locked-up store.
-
The human dies first, she comes back every year and plants flowers on his grave. It’s a small gesture. An apology. I could have loved you.
The werewolf learns to stop running, tired and old, yet younger than most. He falls back into his lifestyle, but keeps her fourteen-year-old image in his bedside table to remind him what real love feels like.
The vampire still watches her. She doesn’t know, but he’s always there, heavy eyes, broken heart, torturing himself with his biggest regret. But it’s forever, one way or the other, and he knows now it would have been so much easier if he’d never saved her.
One casualty is better than the pile she’s left behind.