saturday night confessions.
what i am to you is not real.
summer nights chill me to the very core. to my insides, all stitched and impaled. i do not cope well with happiness, with sunshine. bring on the rain. and yet, the company i keep are oozing sunshine, they sparkle and shine - they are warmth. it’s cold without you. i am cold without you. there are moments in the autumn that i am truly content in my being. i stop and pause and smile, because there is nothing else that could even come close to expressing the everything that is that moment. i am content, but i am yet to feel infinite. and i fear i never will. winter brings silence, reflection, pause - a break in the monotony and a chance to be reborn. i feel as if i have died and lived a dozen times in this lifetime, each time different to the last. i am grateful for that, but i am scared for what the next turn brings. spring ricochets in with a breath of new life. for me it means change. another chance, another moment. but the dull ache of summer still pulls at my bones. || the metaphors spill as easily as oxygen from my lips (in out in out) but they’re silent against the constant babble of living. i am not ashamed of who i am or what i could be, but trust me, you won’t understand. it is far easier to let them fall, unheard against broken streets than to explain in a rushed apology of notquitesorry’s. i can’t stop who i am, but i can quieten myself until rain falls and silence crawls like a welcome lover through open windows and into my heart. it is in these moments that i understand what it is like to be me. and when the rain stops, and the puddles fade away, i am learning to remember the smell. it is enough for now. enough for always
--
Last night the rain was thudding down and I think I came alive. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote, and I don't know what it all means but it is there. And then, when words failed me, a created; dull artworks set to the tone of damien rice and the aura of the rain. I smiled last night. I was free last night.
I'm glad.
And now, in case anyone is interested - a poem, that I haven't decided if I like.
It is easy
In the mornings
To wake
Up smiling without knowing,
Because sunshine is deceiving
And dreams do not
p r e p a r e
It gets harder
As it rises,
The sun, that is,
Not you
you stopped rising years ago
and you’ve forgotten how
to
fall
Smiling fades
With endless time
Or was endless only
y e s t e r d a y
and silence pounds
at heavy doors that
keep out cold
not you
but alice d
o
w
n
the rabbit hole
has left a
great big hole
and filling is forbidden
by anyone but
you
and sunshine lines
my window
painted glass
to bear my
soul
Shoes kicked off
sand b e t w e e n my t
o
e
s
just to feel
you there is heaven
if there is a heaven
that is.
September clouds my vision
And r a i n won’t
kill this ache.
Mistake.
I don’t know a lot of things.
But I do know this.
i t ‘ s c o l d w i t h o u t y o u
On second thoughts, I don't like it. But I won't change it because I'm far too lazy and the moment is gone.