(no subject)
luckily noone will think to read this anymore so i can just write and noone will know. but it helps me that i know it's out there...for some reason...maybe the exhibitionist in me...or maybe b/c i don't really have friends right now and this lets me pretend like i do. :)
hmm...
saw the dr last week. and he told me something i have known was a problem for years...he said i am "severely depressed." well...yeah, i know. he started me on an antidepressant. but it was way way way too much for me. i spent that night throwing up and trying not to pass out at the decemberists show at stubbs. my favorite band and the only song i got to see them perform was the first, the crane wife 3. i mean...i've seen them multiple times...but it still breaks my heart that i didn't get to see them play their new album.
but i saw broken social scene on friday night at warehouse live and i have to say it was in my top three shows ever. i saw them at acl in 02 and needless to say this was very different experience. it was absolutely amazing.
i've pretty much pushed everyone away. literally everyone but a few. my sister and i haven't even spoken in about a month. i spend my time sitting on the couch. it's all i can do to get up...go to work...and not cry all day at my desk. i hate it. this isn't me. i feel like it's my fault and i'm just using this depression thing as an excuse. i've pissed juliette off enough that i don't think she really likes me anymore. john told me yesterday that he only wants to talk to me if i am in a good mood...which isn't very often lately. i wish i would have written in this journal when i was happier. i read back through some of my posts a couple of months ago and it was amazing to me that i felt happy through college. because it really doesn't sound like it when you read this thing.
i don't know why i'm doing this. i'm currently wondering if i'm actually going to hit update on this thing.
not looking for pity. just trying to get this off my chest since the only person who wants to hear my problems anymore is my mom. and i don't want to scare her with all of the thoughts in my head. i scare myself with the thoughts in my head. i'm really lonely. i almost hope we get moved to bartlesville. blah blah blah.
hmm...
saw the dr last week. and he told me something i have known was a problem for years...he said i am "severely depressed." well...yeah, i know. he started me on an antidepressant. but it was way way way too much for me. i spent that night throwing up and trying not to pass out at the decemberists show at stubbs. my favorite band and the only song i got to see them perform was the first, the crane wife 3. i mean...i've seen them multiple times...but it still breaks my heart that i didn't get to see them play their new album.
but i saw broken social scene on friday night at warehouse live and i have to say it was in my top three shows ever. i saw them at acl in 02 and needless to say this was very different experience. it was absolutely amazing.
i've pretty much pushed everyone away. literally everyone but a few. my sister and i haven't even spoken in about a month. i spend my time sitting on the couch. it's all i can do to get up...go to work...and not cry all day at my desk. i hate it. this isn't me. i feel like it's my fault and i'm just using this depression thing as an excuse. i've pissed juliette off enough that i don't think she really likes me anymore. john told me yesterday that he only wants to talk to me if i am in a good mood...which isn't very often lately. i wish i would have written in this journal when i was happier. i read back through some of my posts a couple of months ago and it was amazing to me that i felt happy through college. because it really doesn't sound like it when you read this thing.
i don't know why i'm doing this. i'm currently wondering if i'm actually going to hit update on this thing.
not looking for pity. just trying to get this off my chest since the only person who wants to hear my problems anymore is my mom. and i don't want to scare her with all of the thoughts in my head. i scare myself with the thoughts in my head. i'm really lonely. i almost hope we get moved to bartlesville. blah blah blah.