Why does it still bug? (Public Post)
Another Harry Potter related post, although applies to all mediums and fictional universes in which one finds themselves invested.
Twelve years ago, I went through a terrible loss. I was mostly just shocked; I didn't really process it until the next morning, when I cried into my pillow. Mostly I was numb. Then sad. Then angry.
Linda (lindalupos), one of my best friends, signed onto MSN Messenger. It was like finding someone you love in the crowd following something terrible. I IMed her immediately, and all I said was "Linda..."
In response, Linda said, "I hate her."
"Her" was JK Rowling. She'd killed off our favorite character. After giving him a... very WTF-filled story arc in Deathly Hallows.
As I've alluded to before, and as many of you will remember, I was a huge Remus fangirl and an ardent Remus/Tonks shipper. Ironically before HBP, I touted it as "my one non-canon ship." I had other ships I liked that weren't strictly canon (or strictly canon yet), but I never went out of my way to read them or talk about them the way I did Remus/Tonks. Remus/Sirius, for instance - I read some fics with them, I liked the idea, but it wasn't like they were my OTP. Remus and Tonks, however, were my OTP. Not to mention two of my favorite characters completely independent of the ship itself. I loved Tonks from the moment she bumped her way into OoTP.
Therefore, I've had to actively stop myself from talking about them. Which doesn't always work. Linda and I often end up talking about them one way or another, and we talk all the time. Last time it was over dinner, and I was good about stopping myself. I went "anyway" very quickly and started talking about... I don't even know what. :P The point is, even though I'm sure a lot of things happened that week, it's the death of two fictional characters that has stayed with me all of these years later.
I was listening to The Real Weird Sisters podcast (highly recommend, by the way, at least so far), and they're covering DH now. I decided to torture myself and listen to the chapter covering Remus. Once again, I had... feels. But why does it still matter so much? Why have I had to write fics to really reconcile a fictional event?
Well, I think it's in part because I had an emotional investment in the characters. I'd followed them for seven years, effectively; I knew what I wanted for them, and it wasn't that. Sirius's death really upset me for similar reasons, and that was after only three years. But... I at least understood why Sirius's end had come the way that it did. Not at first - definitely not at first. I was pretty much breaking Dumbledore's things along with Harry in the former's office. But I came to the realization that his story was necessarily tragic. By the end of Deathly Hallows, I also kind of realized... maybe it was better. Can you imagine how he would have felt if he'd thought Harry had died at Voldemort's hands toward the end? If Remus and Tonks had still been killed off? While I think a Sirius survival would have been interesting in some ways, I saw how the ending he got was a textual must. Remus and Tonks, meanwhile, got such a clunky storyline, and the point of their death had to be explained in an interview, where we learn that JKR just wanted Teddy to be a war orphan. But we never see Teddy as a war orphan.
Don't get me wrong - I know the point of deaths during a war scene being, well, pointless is the point. However, with the other characters, we at least get some relative closure, even if it's not nice closure. Sirius dies doing what he'd wanted to do all along. Fred reconciles with Percy and goes laughing. Colin's death isn't really given closure, but he's also a more minor character. His death doesn't need a grand statement. Remus and Tonks may have been background characters, but they were pretty significant even to Harry - especially as they ended up taking so much space in the last three books. Pre-OoTP, I could see the rationale for Remus being given a more offhand death. (Linda, other Remus fans, stop screaming at me. You know what I'm saying. Right?) However, Remus goes from being more along the lines of McGonagall to being along the lines of Neville and Luna.
Tonks... kind of fades in and out, which is my other issue. What the hell happened to her character? She was kickass in OoTP. I actually got her in HBP, maybe because I'd foreseen the breakdown - I don't know, I somehow knew that she was going to run out of hoops to jump throw and hit rock bottom. However, we never see her rise up. We never see her use her powers, even. They're more of an accessory. And for all we hear about Remus's fears that he'll ruin her life by existing, other than "I've told you a million times", we actually... don't get much of her POV. My sense with both Remus and Tonks is that JK Rowling had more she wanted to do with them, but just ran out of time and space. Which made for a very clunky narrative, and their offhand deaths more of a punch in the gut.
Okay, that sucks, but why do I still care?
Well, first of all, I think that any big disappointment surrounding something we cared about stays with us. We all have "real life" stories where whatever happened wasn't particularly Earth shattering, except it was to us in the moment - and part of us still, despite the many years that have passed, can't quite shake it. Given how much fiction can mean to us, maybe it's not so shocking. I've had lots of conversations with people who are still angry over the way a book, a movie, a show ended. Especially something long running - you get so invested, and then... everything you felt the narrative had been building to just changes on you. It's upsetting if you love fiction. Also, for me, Harry Potter wasn't really "just" a book series, and Remus and Tonks weren't just characters. I made dear friends through the Marauders, through Remus/Tonks. I was already sad over the books ending, never mind losing characters who'd meant so much to me under such a dissatisfying light.
In addition to sentiments, I was creatively involved in Remus and Tonks both as a couple and as individual characters. I wrote and completed a novel-length fanfic based around Tonks, although interestingly, it wasn't Remus/Tonks. My ficverse would later have multilayered backstories. I was in a lot of RPGs involving Remus and/or Tonks, whether they were a couple, just friends, even paired with other people. For instance, in one RPG, Tonks and Percy were paired together and I've always half-shipped them ever since then. :) So even though Remus and Tonks were in no way my characters, I think I did feel a little bit of ownership over them. It's like having a niece and nephew you watch all the time, and love so much, then your sister and brother-in-law announce they're moving across the country. They're not actually taking your babies away from you - they were never your babies to begin with. However, you took them to the playground all the time, and something has changed. It just isn't the same.
So there you have it. That is why 34 year old me is back on the bed with my 22 year old self, consoling her over our favorite fictional werewolf and favorite fictional Auror. Go watch Buffy, honey. Go ship Willow/Tara -
Oh, FFS.
Twelve years ago, I went through a terrible loss. I was mostly just shocked; I didn't really process it until the next morning, when I cried into my pillow. Mostly I was numb. Then sad. Then angry.
Linda (lindalupos), one of my best friends, signed onto MSN Messenger. It was like finding someone you love in the crowd following something terrible. I IMed her immediately, and all I said was "Linda..."
In response, Linda said, "I hate her."
"Her" was JK Rowling. She'd killed off our favorite character. After giving him a... very WTF-filled story arc in Deathly Hallows.
As I've alluded to before, and as many of you will remember, I was a huge Remus fangirl and an ardent Remus/Tonks shipper. Ironically before HBP, I touted it as "my one non-canon ship." I had other ships I liked that weren't strictly canon (or strictly canon yet), but I never went out of my way to read them or talk about them the way I did Remus/Tonks. Remus/Sirius, for instance - I read some fics with them, I liked the idea, but it wasn't like they were my OTP. Remus and Tonks, however, were my OTP. Not to mention two of my favorite characters completely independent of the ship itself. I loved Tonks from the moment she bumped her way into OoTP.
Therefore, I've had to actively stop myself from talking about them. Which doesn't always work. Linda and I often end up talking about them one way or another, and we talk all the time. Last time it was over dinner, and I was good about stopping myself. I went "anyway" very quickly and started talking about... I don't even know what. :P The point is, even though I'm sure a lot of things happened that week, it's the death of two fictional characters that has stayed with me all of these years later.
I was listening to The Real Weird Sisters podcast (highly recommend, by the way, at least so far), and they're covering DH now. I decided to torture myself and listen to the chapter covering Remus. Once again, I had... feels. But why does it still matter so much? Why have I had to write fics to really reconcile a fictional event?
Well, I think it's in part because I had an emotional investment in the characters. I'd followed them for seven years, effectively; I knew what I wanted for them, and it wasn't that. Sirius's death really upset me for similar reasons, and that was after only three years. But... I at least understood why Sirius's end had come the way that it did. Not at first - definitely not at first. I was pretty much breaking Dumbledore's things along with Harry in the former's office. But I came to the realization that his story was necessarily tragic. By the end of Deathly Hallows, I also kind of realized... maybe it was better. Can you imagine how he would have felt if he'd thought Harry had died at Voldemort's hands toward the end? If Remus and Tonks had still been killed off? While I think a Sirius survival would have been interesting in some ways, I saw how the ending he got was a textual must. Remus and Tonks, meanwhile, got such a clunky storyline, and the point of their death had to be explained in an interview, where we learn that JKR just wanted Teddy to be a war orphan. But we never see Teddy as a war orphan.
Don't get me wrong - I know the point of deaths during a war scene being, well, pointless is the point. However, with the other characters, we at least get some relative closure, even if it's not nice closure. Sirius dies doing what he'd wanted to do all along. Fred reconciles with Percy and goes laughing. Colin's death isn't really given closure, but he's also a more minor character. His death doesn't need a grand statement. Remus and Tonks may have been background characters, but they were pretty significant even to Harry - especially as they ended up taking so much space in the last three books. Pre-OoTP, I could see the rationale for Remus being given a more offhand death. (Linda, other Remus fans, stop screaming at me. You know what I'm saying. Right?) However, Remus goes from being more along the lines of McGonagall to being along the lines of Neville and Luna.
Tonks... kind of fades in and out, which is my other issue. What the hell happened to her character? She was kickass in OoTP. I actually got her in HBP, maybe because I'd foreseen the breakdown - I don't know, I somehow knew that she was going to run out of hoops to jump throw and hit rock bottom. However, we never see her rise up. We never see her use her powers, even. They're more of an accessory. And for all we hear about Remus's fears that he'll ruin her life by existing, other than "I've told you a million times", we actually... don't get much of her POV. My sense with both Remus and Tonks is that JK Rowling had more she wanted to do with them, but just ran out of time and space. Which made for a very clunky narrative, and their offhand deaths more of a punch in the gut.
Okay, that sucks, but why do I still care?
Well, first of all, I think that any big disappointment surrounding something we cared about stays with us. We all have "real life" stories where whatever happened wasn't particularly Earth shattering, except it was to us in the moment - and part of us still, despite the many years that have passed, can't quite shake it. Given how much fiction can mean to us, maybe it's not so shocking. I've had lots of conversations with people who are still angry over the way a book, a movie, a show ended. Especially something long running - you get so invested, and then... everything you felt the narrative had been building to just changes on you. It's upsetting if you love fiction. Also, for me, Harry Potter wasn't really "just" a book series, and Remus and Tonks weren't just characters. I made dear friends through the Marauders, through Remus/Tonks. I was already sad over the books ending, never mind losing characters who'd meant so much to me under such a dissatisfying light.
In addition to sentiments, I was creatively involved in Remus and Tonks both as a couple and as individual characters. I wrote and completed a novel-length fanfic based around Tonks, although interestingly, it wasn't Remus/Tonks. My ficverse would later have multilayered backstories. I was in a lot of RPGs involving Remus and/or Tonks, whether they were a couple, just friends, even paired with other people. For instance, in one RPG, Tonks and Percy were paired together and I've always half-shipped them ever since then. :) So even though Remus and Tonks were in no way my characters, I think I did feel a little bit of ownership over them. It's like having a niece and nephew you watch all the time, and love so much, then your sister and brother-in-law announce they're moving across the country. They're not actually taking your babies away from you - they were never your babies to begin with. However, you took them to the playground all the time, and something has changed. It just isn't the same.
So there you have it. That is why 34 year old me is back on the bed with my 22 year old self, consoling her over our favorite fictional werewolf and favorite fictional Auror. Go watch Buffy, honey. Go ship Willow/Tara -
Oh, FFS.