How to Disappear Completely
Seth is gone. He left last night, 2 am, which is technically this morning. I stayed up with him. And when he dropped me off on my porch, I ended up sobbing and clinging to him, not able to let him leave. Just burying my face in his neck, the last feel of his sweatshirt in my hands... What will happen after three months? What will we come back to?? I feel like his leaving is a symbol of all the people in my life who are gone. Or who I've lost touch with. I guess now that I'm not spending all my time with him, I can focus on getting my life in order. I've been neglecting my friends, my family, myself. Athena and Nikima are no longer in my life, we no longer have anything to talk about. I can't cry on their shoulder, because I haven't deserved that right. At least, that's the understanding we've come to, whether or not it's right. I especially can't talk about my sadness over Seth leaving. I just don't talk about him with them...
I'm in Santa Barbara right now. As always, it's paradise. I've only been able to think about Seth, though, and the message he left on my phone from Miami.. and how I couldn't talk to him because I was on a plane. But I shouldn't have been on that plane. I was supposed to be off by then.. our first plane had to turn around and fly back to Portland once we were half an hour in the air... Was there a reason for this??
I left a message on Becca's phone. She's the girl he's flying down with. Is she hot? Is she cute? What is he doing? Where is he going? Is he ready? Can he do this??
I think more than ever, I'm crying because I would rather be there, with him, instead of going back to school. I'm selfish. I wish I was going. Not staying.
Fuck school. Fuck my life. Not really.. but everyone feels like that sometimes.
Anyway, I'm sad. So sad. I'm hurt, I feel alone. And I'm bringing this all on to myself. I should try to be stronger.. but I just don't feel like putting forth the effort.
Oh Seth.
I'm going to go listen to some music.
I'm in Santa Barbara right now. As always, it's paradise. I've only been able to think about Seth, though, and the message he left on my phone from Miami.. and how I couldn't talk to him because I was on a plane. But I shouldn't have been on that plane. I was supposed to be off by then.. our first plane had to turn around and fly back to Portland once we were half an hour in the air... Was there a reason for this??
I left a message on Becca's phone. She's the girl he's flying down with. Is she hot? Is she cute? What is he doing? Where is he going? Is he ready? Can he do this??
I think more than ever, I'm crying because I would rather be there, with him, instead of going back to school. I'm selfish. I wish I was going. Not staying.
Fuck school. Fuck my life. Not really.. but everyone feels like that sometimes.
Anyway, I'm sad. So sad. I'm hurt, I feel alone. And I'm bringing this all on to myself. I should try to be stronger.. but I just don't feel like putting forth the effort.
Oh Seth.
I'm going to go listen to some music.