Pseudo-Acceptance
anonymous
February 27 2004, 12:40:35 UTC
Howdy Kat,
It’s nice that you have been keeping up with your live-journal lately because it’s nice to read what you think when we (John, Adrian, Z, and I) say things to you. However, this last entry startled me a little bit. The other day when we were sitting in Logic and you were flipping out panic-attack-style before the quiz I was comfortable because I am downtrodden and depressed about my academic ability as of late.
(Okay, I just wrote 4 paragraphs summarizing our differences and deleted them all for the easy answer, if you want to talk about the deletion then maybe Lula's)
Short and sweet; the grass is always greener on the other side (gotta love clichés!)
Seriously though, I think it would be awesome to have a 4.0 and be planning on going to an Ivy for Grad, but the fact is it would kill me and because I’m a laggard I eventually set my standards lower. At some point during life everyone should sit down and think to themselves what will make them happy in the undetermined future. You have obviously sat down somewhere and thought to yourself; I will be happy when I have graduated from an incredible school and am teaching incredible people. You knew what it would take . . . you have been doing it for a couple years now and succeeding beautifully. When I sat down (by now you have realized that one must be sitting to do this futuristic exercise because if you don’t, you may be prone to run into walls as your winning the Olympics or Walking the aisle depending on what your future holds. . . tangent sorry. .) Again, when I sat down, I thought to myself that it would be great to go to a fantastic school and succeed to my top academic potential, but I knew that after my 2 year study binge at Holy Cross I didn’t have what it takes to get it done. However, I commend you on being able to do it. . . Bottom line: Don’t take my lax emotions as a sign for a balanced person as much as a sign for a person who doesn’t put expectations too high because I’m lazy and afraid to fail, which I’m doing in a round about way if you have been keeping up with my grades this semester. 4 years from now, you are going to look back from this experience and think to yourself, “Damn I’m at Harvard on a full ride and even though ND was hard and kicked my ass, I got a 3.98 (you will eventually get an A-) and am glad I did it. Your on the right track . . . don’t let other peoples defense mechanisms stray your mission . . . especially mine:-p
Re: Pseudo-AcceptanceauryaneFebruary 28 2004, 11:45:16 UTC
Shawn,
The irony of this does not escape me: I'm writing this reply from a computer in the library, while waiting for the clock to show 3 pm so I can get my 2-hour reserve books for the entire night. A saturday night.
I think what really bothers me about the situation I'm in isn't so much the grades...but what I'm sacrificing to get these grades. There are times when you have to choose between writing a paper you're proud of and a paper that gets the A (though this is obviously not the usual situation). Once upon a time, I would have had to consider this choice. Nowadays, I churn out the paper that gets the grade, even if it goes against what I believe.
Little things like that. For the supplementary reading list in one class, for example, I passed up on the books that interested me and narrowed in on the ones that are most helpful for the paper. I pick paper topics that win approval, not ones that best represent my on views. I feel as if I'm constantly making concessions (which no one asked me to make, but its understand to be helpful to my grade) in pursuit of that A.
And its at the point where nothing else is good enough--and nothing else really matters.
This isn't who I am. I used to be frustrated at the people who stucked up to their teachers...I did well, but on my own terms. Nowadays, it seems that I'm so parnoid about doing badly that I've lost sight of what's important. Getting into an Ivy for grad school, eventually teaching brilliant and engaging (and slightly paranoid) individuals is a dream for me...but I don't want shortchange myself in the process.
And emotionally, mentally, this is a huge toll on me. Its not just time--it really isn't time. Though I'm good at hiding it, I don't read everything I'm supposed to. Confession: I haven't read any books for my Romans+Gods class outside of class...I've been too lazy. But no one in that class, especially my profs, can tell...because I still keep up and contribute to the discussions. I study what I need for the grade--but I feel as if I'm missing out on so much. Its not that I lack the time to do the work (unlike you, who sold half your life to the army), its that I lack the emotional ability to cope with everything.
There are so many days when I simply can't make myself even start. Days when I cut all 4 classes (only happened once, though), and veg in bed with a favorite fantasy novel. There are so many occasions when I'm tempted to just drop everything. When I took 302 last semester, I went into midterms with only one grade--an B- on my paper. I felt so discouraged by that class (and the fact that the subject thoroughly confused me) that I called my parents the night before the midterm to discuss dropping the class. I didn't, in the end, as I did well on the midterms...but there's so many moments when I feel as if i've taken on too much.
Re: Pseudo-AcceptancekahlybanFebruary 29 2004, 10:11:37 UTC
Hello,
I can't say that I really know you at all, so if I'm being presumptuous or incorrect then just ignore me. Nor do I really want to repeat the "do whatever you are happy with" cliche - I'm pretty sure that you know that already, yet pursue your current path regardless. However, a cliche sometimes holds some truth within, and the way you write your predicament, you do not seem to be very happy.
The gist that I get from your entry is that you want to get into an Ivy League grad school and teach brilliant students, and you are making compromises now to achieve your dream. I'm not in grad school yet, but wouldn't you face a similar predicament then as you are facing now? You will not be taking as many classes, but you will still have to write. If you are choosing paper topics that win approval now, is there any reason you will not do it in the future? In grad school, you'll have a thesis to write and professors to please. Even when you become a professor, you have peers that will influence you, not to mention the pressure to write books that win acclaim. Unless your need for approval or drive for success is going to die out in between undergrad and grad school, I think this will be a problem that will continue to haunt you for quite a while yet - you are currently chasing a goal of success that you have set for yourself, but by the time you reach the goal you've set, your sights have already been set for a goal that is further away. You're a philo major, I assume you know Zeno's Paradox - you're Achilles, your goals of success are the tortoise.
In a sense, I guess my rambling means very little to you - truthfully, this is as much for me as it is for you, since I see a similar future in store for me. I doubt if I have said anything that you do not already know - your statements make it quite clear that you know the predicament you're in. Yet you just can't seem to let go. You see that it is a problem, I only elucidate it - but in the end, the more important question is what you're going to do about it. Like the poem that you like says, at that point, there are no answers other people can provide for you and your friends can only support you in your decision - there are no answers at the end of that path except your own.
Re: Pseudo-AcceptanceauryaneFebruary 29 2004, 22:06:36 UTC
I really shouldn't be replying to this entry now, as I have a midterm tomorrow.
But I couldn't resist.
I think perhaps I painted a partly inaccurate picture in the comment that you are replying to. I was replying to a friend who knows my academenic experience fairly well, and wanted to stress a side that he perhaps saw a little less.
I think there are occasions when you, quite frankly, have no choice but to "sell out" on papers. Its not so much the topic that frustrates me (though that was a problem last semester), but the writing style. I have one professor (Freddoso, anyone?), who wants ANAL, ANALYTICAL papers with perfect grammar. I can do it--but I send an insane amount of time tailoring the papers to his specifications, since I tend to write stylistically with rather poor grammar (though I really have no excuse for that). What I'm lamenting is the amount of time I spend making sure that my papers are perfect, that I know every single thing that MIGHT possible come up on on a test, that I spend far too much time worrying and working towards my grades.
Its the need for perfection that worries me, much more so than my need or approval. Though there are hints of that still lingering around (moreso than i'd care to admit), what I really struggle with is being able to accept "good enough" as opposed to "perfect." Humans really are not perfect creatures in any sense...perfection serves as a useful guide to keep us motivated and focused, but when we make it the sole goal...it becomes problematic, as we can never truly reach it.
My problem is that I'm chasing the mirage in the desert...and I'm always just close enough that I feel as if I can't give up the search.
It's hard, though...treading that line between winning acclaim, and attempting to stake territory for yourself. You will eventually run into opposition--hell, if you go through a professional career with absolutely no opposition, it probably means that you're not writing anything worth publishing :) On the other hand, there is some (lots!) of merit in learning to accept and make use of other people criticism--which means also learning to pick and choose.
***** Zeno's Paradox? *grins* I agree with the mathematical answer: set it up as a simple calculus problem...its an infinite, convergent series.
Re: Pseudo-AcceptancekahlybanMarch 2 2004, 17:27:39 UTC
Hello,
I hope your midterm went well.
My apologies for intruding in your conversation with your friend. I pretty much figured that was the case, but went ahead and replied anyway - I guess that the Internet certainly does make one bolder.
Depending on how you define "selling out", I too would agree that it is inevitable. After all, sometime during a college student's long and illustrious career, he would have to write a paper supporting an argument he didn't like or defend a thinker he completely detests. It could very well be more benign than that, since I frequently have to write papers on topics I find extremely boring - in my eyes, that is somewhat of a betrayal of my desire to learn things that interest me (though I certainly do it in order for me to better achieve my goal). I must admit, the only reason I answered your post was due to your comment that you would choose to write the paper that nets the A rather than the paper you would be proud of, which looks quite like the slippery slope I'm trying to climb.
As for perfectionism, if you don't mind me asking (or prying), is there any deeper reason for that? Although I'm quite aware that it is possible to be perfectionist by nature, my experience leads me to believe that the more common manifestion is due to other pressures and deeper reasons. I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but the only reason I push myself to get an A or A- is because I have the urge to prove myself to the rest of my family. If I had nothing to prove and no one to give me a clap on my back, I'd probably still take the classes I'm taking, but with a more relaxed attitude towards them. Of course, each person has different motivations - I'm sure that ours have very little in common.
I do agree though that treading the line between winning acclaim and attempting to have personal territory is difficult, and opposition is inevitable. Of course, it might just be possible that some of us will go through our professional careers without any opposition, simply because we're so darn good. ;)
***** As for Zeno's Paradox...
*Grins*
This is why non-philo majors should avoid philosophical topics like the plague when commenting on a philo major's journal. I'm completely clueless in regards to your answer, but that's probably because I hate calculus with the passion of a thousand suns. ;)
Although I must admit that my non-philosophical mind had assumed that an algebraic equation would've worked too.
It’s nice that you have been keeping up with your live-journal lately because it’s nice to read what you think when we (John, Adrian, Z, and I) say things to you. However, this last entry startled me a little bit. The other day when we were sitting in Logic and you were flipping out panic-attack-style before the quiz I was comfortable because I am downtrodden and depressed about my academic ability as of late.
(Okay, I just wrote 4 paragraphs summarizing our differences and deleted them all for the easy answer, if you want to talk about the deletion then maybe Lula's)
Short and sweet; the grass is always greener on the other side (gotta love clichés!)
Seriously though, I think it would be awesome to have a 4.0 and be planning on going to an Ivy for Grad, but the fact is it would kill me and because I’m a laggard I eventually set my standards lower. At some point during life everyone should sit down and think to themselves what will make them happy in the undetermined future. You have obviously sat down somewhere and thought to yourself; I will be happy when I have graduated from an incredible school and am teaching incredible people. You knew what it would take . . . you have been doing it for a couple years now and succeeding beautifully. When I sat down (by now you have realized that one must be sitting to do this futuristic exercise because if you don’t, you may be prone to run into walls as your winning the Olympics or Walking the aisle depending on what your future holds. . . tangent sorry. .) Again, when I sat down, I thought to myself that it would be great to go to a fantastic school and succeed to my top academic potential, but I knew that after my 2 year study binge at Holy Cross I didn’t have what it takes to get it done. However, I commend you on being able to do it. . . Bottom line: Don’t take my lax emotions as a sign for a balanced person as much as a sign for a person who doesn’t put expectations too high because I’m lazy and afraid to fail, which I’m doing in a round about way if you have been keeping up with my grades this semester. 4 years from now, you are going to look back from this experience and think to yourself, “Damn I’m at Harvard on a full ride and even though ND was hard and kicked my ass, I got a 3.98 (you will eventually get an A-) and am glad I did it. Your on the right track . . . don’t let other peoples defense mechanisms stray your mission . . . especially mine:-p
Much love,
Shawn
Reply
The irony of this does not escape me: I'm writing this reply from a computer in the library, while waiting for the clock to show 3 pm so I can get my 2-hour reserve books for the entire night. A saturday night.
I think what really bothers me about the situation I'm in isn't so much the grades...but what I'm sacrificing to get these grades. There are times when you have to choose between writing a paper you're proud of and a paper that gets the A (though this is obviously not the usual situation). Once upon a time, I would have had to consider this choice. Nowadays, I churn out the paper that gets the grade, even if it goes against what I believe.
Little things like that. For the supplementary reading list in one class, for example, I passed up on the books that interested me and narrowed in on the ones that are most helpful for the paper. I pick paper topics that win approval, not ones that best represent my on views. I feel as if I'm constantly making concessions (which no one asked me to make, but its understand to be helpful to my grade) in pursuit of that A.
And its at the point where nothing else is good enough--and nothing else really matters.
This isn't who I am. I used to be frustrated at the people who stucked up to their teachers...I did well, but on my own terms. Nowadays, it seems that I'm so parnoid about doing badly that I've lost sight of what's important. Getting into an Ivy for grad school, eventually teaching brilliant and engaging (and slightly paranoid) individuals is a dream for me...but I don't want shortchange myself in the process.
And emotionally, mentally, this is a huge toll on me. Its not just time--it really isn't time. Though I'm good at hiding it, I don't read everything I'm supposed to. Confession: I haven't read any books for my Romans+Gods class outside of class...I've been too lazy. But no one in that class, especially my profs, can tell...because I still keep up and contribute to the discussions. I study what I need for the grade--but I feel as if I'm missing out on so much. Its not that I lack the time to do the work (unlike you, who sold half your life to the army), its that I lack the emotional ability to cope with everything.
There are so many days when I simply can't make myself even start. Days when I cut all 4 classes (only happened once, though), and veg in bed with a favorite fantasy novel. There are so many occasions when I'm tempted to just drop everything. When I took 302 last semester, I went into midterms with only one grade--an B- on my paper. I felt so discouraged by that class (and the fact that the subject thoroughly confused me) that I called my parents the night before the midterm to discuss dropping the class. I didn't, in the end, as I did well on the midterms...but there's so many moments when I feel as if i've taken on too much.
Reply
I can't say that I really know you at all, so if I'm being presumptuous or incorrect then just ignore me. Nor do I really want to repeat the "do whatever you are happy with" cliche - I'm pretty sure that you know that already, yet pursue your current path regardless. However, a cliche sometimes holds some truth within, and the way you write your predicament, you do not seem to be very happy.
The gist that I get from your entry is that you want to get into an Ivy League grad school and teach brilliant students, and you are making compromises now to achieve your dream. I'm not in grad school yet, but wouldn't you face a similar predicament then as you are facing now? You will not be taking as many classes, but you will still have to write. If you are choosing paper topics that win approval now, is there any reason you will not do it in the future? In grad school, you'll have a thesis to write and professors to please. Even when you become a professor, you have peers that will influence you, not to mention the pressure to write books that win acclaim. Unless your need for approval or drive for success is going to die out in between undergrad and grad school, I think this will be a problem that will continue to haunt you for quite a while yet - you are currently chasing a goal of success that you have set for yourself, but by the time you reach the goal you've set, your sights have already been set for a goal that is further away. You're a philo major, I assume you know Zeno's Paradox - you're Achilles, your goals of success are the tortoise.
In a sense, I guess my rambling means very little to you - truthfully, this is as much for me as it is for you, since I see a similar future in store for me. I doubt if I have said anything that you do not already know - your statements make it quite clear that you know the predicament you're in. Yet you just can't seem to let go. You see that it is a problem, I only elucidate it - but in the end, the more important question is what you're going to do about it. Like the poem that you like says, at that point, there are no answers other people can provide for you and your friends can only support you in your decision - there are no answers at the end of that path except your own.
Wrestle your demons - I wish you luck.
-K.
Reply
But I couldn't resist.
I think perhaps I painted a partly inaccurate picture in the comment that you are replying to. I was replying to a friend who knows my academenic experience fairly well, and wanted to stress a side that he perhaps saw a little less.
I think there are occasions when you, quite frankly, have no choice but to "sell out" on papers. Its not so much the topic that frustrates me (though that was a problem last semester), but the writing style. I have one professor (Freddoso, anyone?), who wants ANAL, ANALYTICAL papers with perfect grammar. I can do it--but I send an insane amount of time tailoring the papers to his specifications, since I tend to write stylistically with rather poor grammar (though I really have no excuse for that). What I'm lamenting is the amount of time I spend making sure that my papers are perfect, that I know every single thing that MIGHT possible come up on on a test, that I spend far too much time worrying and working towards my grades.
Its the need for perfection that worries me, much more so than my need or approval. Though there are hints of that still lingering around (moreso than i'd care to admit), what I really struggle with is being able to accept "good enough" as opposed to "perfect." Humans really are not perfect creatures in any sense...perfection serves as a useful guide to keep us motivated and focused, but when we make it the sole goal...it becomes problematic, as we can never truly reach it.
My problem is that I'm chasing the mirage in the desert...and I'm always just close enough that I feel as if I can't give up the search.
It's hard, though...treading that line between winning acclaim, and attempting to stake territory for yourself. You will eventually run into opposition--hell, if you go through a professional career with absolutely no opposition, it probably means that you're not writing anything worth publishing :) On the other hand, there is some (lots!) of merit in learning to accept and make use of other people criticism--which means also learning to pick and choose.
*****
Zeno's Paradox?
*grins*
I agree with the mathematical answer: set it up as a simple calculus problem...its an infinite, convergent series.
Reply
I hope your midterm went well.
My apologies for intruding in your conversation with your friend. I pretty much figured that was the case, but went ahead and replied anyway - I guess that the Internet certainly does make one bolder.
Depending on how you define "selling out", I too would agree that it is inevitable. After all, sometime during a college student's long and illustrious career, he would have to write a paper supporting an argument he didn't like or defend a thinker he completely detests. It could very well be more benign than that, since I frequently have to write papers on topics I find extremely boring - in my eyes, that is somewhat of a betrayal of my desire to learn things that interest me (though I certainly do it in order for me to better achieve my goal). I must admit, the only reason I answered your post was due to your comment that you would choose to write the paper that nets the A rather than the paper you would be proud of, which looks quite like the slippery slope I'm trying to climb.
As for perfectionism, if you don't mind me asking (or prying), is there any deeper reason for that? Although I'm quite aware that it is possible to be perfectionist by nature, my experience leads me to believe that the more common manifestion is due to other pressures and deeper reasons. I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but the only reason I push myself to get an A or A- is because I have the urge to prove myself to the rest of my family. If I had nothing to prove and no one to give me a clap on my back, I'd probably still take the classes I'm taking, but with a more relaxed attitude towards them. Of course, each person has different motivations - I'm sure that ours have very little in common.
I do agree though that treading the line between winning acclaim and attempting to have personal territory is difficult, and opposition is inevitable. Of course, it might just be possible that some of us will go through our professional careers without any opposition, simply because we're so darn good. ;)
*****
As for Zeno's Paradox...
*Grins*
This is why non-philo majors should avoid philosophical topics like the plague when commenting on a philo major's journal. I'm completely clueless in regards to your answer, but that's probably because I hate calculus with the passion of a thousand suns. ;)
Although I must admit that my non-philosophical mind had assumed that an algebraic equation would've worked too.
Reply
I had a great prof last year, almost talkedme into a major
Reply
-K.
Reply
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