My relationship with my mother...
After a great day in Chicago (with my grandparents as well), Mom and I stopped by the store on the way home.
As she was looking for the eggs and milk, I grabbed the oatmeal (that she asked for), as well as a bag of chocolate chips and 2 cans of the cappucino Corinthins that I love. When Mom saw the cans, she asked me to put them back. I was a bit upset at this point. I had asked her to pick some up for me the last time she was at Audi, but she couldn't find the cappucino flavored, and only bought a chocolate can. Since these things are fairly cheap ($1.69 per can), I doubt that it was really the cost that bothered her. I explained my reasons for wanting too (this flavor is hard to find, I'm stocking up for next semester, I've had these before and I loved them, etc, etc)...but she stuck to her order. When I asked her to explain why she doesn't want me to buy them, she said, "because I'm your mother, and I'm telling you so."
It was then that the argument shifted from a few cans of cookies to a matter of principle. I don't mind taking advice from her most of the time, or following her wishes--but I refuse to do so purely on arbituary orders. I do expect her to treat me like an adult--which includes explaining her orders when I question the seemingly fuzzy logic behind them. The "do it because I'm your mother" argument doesn't work with me--it never worked when I was a chlid, and it certainly isn't going to work when I'm an adult. I asked her to explain why she doesn't want me to buy it--I even pointed out that I'd buy reimburse her for the money (from the 1.50 in my bank account...and other random change I'm hoping to dig up around the house). She refused to explain...at one point, she mentioned that I don't need any more snacks. I find this rather hurtful, since she knows that I have NO snacks...and the veiled knife in that statement suggests that "you don't need any more snacks because you'd gain weight eating them." Doesn't she even realize that I'm 15 lbs underweight? When I pressed her even for to give a reason, she finally said, "I'm your mother, and you have to obey me. Even when I'm wrong, you can't argue with me--you simply do it." Literally. Her words are still ringing in my head.
So that's what it's all about. *sighs* At that point, I was practically in tears--not over a stupid can of cookies, but because it's a glaring reminder that my mother and I are still locked in this control battle...and she constantly attempts to exert her control over me by verbally slapping me down when I question or contradict her decisions, even when I have very good reasons for doing so. She taunted me at that point...asking how an "adult" could be reduced to tears over cookies.
It's not the cookies that I'm crying over, mother. It's the ruined relationship between us that I can't seem to mend no matter how hard I try. The one thing I can't give up is my freedom, my ability to make my own decisions now that I'm mature enough to take responsibilities for them, and to generally avoid making bad ones. The one thing that you can't seem to give up is control over me. I'm an adult, mom. I truly can't bow to you on this principle...I will not, I cannot do act merely on your orders when they go against my own good sense--especially when you refuse to give reasons for your orders. It's children who takes orders without questions...children, who acts to another's conscious rather than their own. I'm no longer a child--please don't treat me like one.
It was a silent trip home. I made two calls as soon I came in the door. The first one to Pete--only to find even more bad news. He had forgotten that I said I'd be out in the afternoon, and that i'd call him as soon as I get in so I don't keep him waiting (we're supposed to get dinner together). Since I wasn't here when he called, he got dinner on his own. *sighs* There goes my excuse to get out of the house.
The second call was to my Dad. I calmed myself down a little, and explained the situation to him, exactly as it happened (impossible to keep all bias out of it, but I tried to be as object as possible). He was helpful...and quite understanding. That's the way things are between Dad and I. As a child, I was the mediator between them for their fights--and there was certainly many fights. Yet as I fought more and more with my mother as a teenager, he became the mediator between us. I identity a lot more with him...though my personality is much more like my mother's. 95% of the time, it's his position during an argument that I feel has the strongest justification. *sighs* Anyway. He talked to me a bit...explaining that my mother is stubborn and has a temper like this...that she often changes her mind, and is painfully repentent afterwards...but it's frustratingly and unbearable in the meantime. I know all of this...but it's still encouraging to hear it from someone else. I had stopped crying by the time I got off the phone. Dad also promised to call in later and talk to Mom about the situation--not an easy promise to make, considering how much my mother resents the affiliation with my Dad and I when it comes to opposing her. I don't blame her for resenting...but it really is her own fault, considering that she acts so unreasonable towards both of us.
*sighs* Things are not going well at home between Mom and I. I wrote about the fight we had yesterday over my next dentist appointment...about the singing at the Church party last Saturday (editor's note: this entry is edited and copied from my private journal, and the entries I'm refering to here is also from my private journal)...*sighs* 3 fights in 4 days is not a good record. Last week was fine, but I suspect that's largely due to Sophie's presence...and the fact that my Mom and I spend relatively little time with one another. Leave us along for more then 24 hours, and there's sure to be fireworks.
I don't know what to do...or how to react to this anymore. I used to think that it was largely my fault. Certainly, my own stubborness often makes these fights worse. But for the last few ones, I felt as if I correctly picked my battles. I knew that I was right...or at least mostly right...and I tried to compromise in all situations but ones where no compromise is possible.
But things still go badly...
I'm afraid that if the relationship between us continues in the same way, I'll have to conceed defeat. I have to admit that it's really impossible for my mother and I to have an open, friendly relationship--that I have to play that hated game of pretense and white lies, and half-hearted agreements just to keep the peace between us. Ultimately, my mother has always wanted things to be done exactly in "her way"...she could never accept that other ways could be equally correct, if it differs--or God forbid, contradicts--her own. My father ended up bending to her will. They still fight occasionally...but I noticed that he conceeds the point even when he doesn't believe it...he simply bends to her, to keep the peace. That's not in me...that's never been in me. I'm not one to give up the principle of something (especially something important) simply so that everyone gets along. I don't have to be right--I just can't stand to pretend to admit that I'm wrong when I don't really feel that way.
*sighs* It's a comfort knowing that our broken relationship isn't all my fault. I was a certainly a brat--a difficult, stubborn, and wild child during my teenage years who got into far more trouble then my parents ever suspect--and they suspected a lot. I think I've grown up a lot during the past year of college (thank you Blythe!), but the tension...the control battles between my mother and I still haven't ceased. For all of last summer, when we fought daily (for hours at a time...I spend much of less summer journaling my heart away, or crying behind the locked doors of my room)...I thought that it was still my fault, my lack of maturity that causes these fights.
This break, things a little different. I'm much more sure of myself...I'm more willing to compromise on smaller issues, though as always, I stand firm on some general principles. More and more, I see myself being the reasonable one...whereas my mother seems to even more stubborn in her irrational insistence that I obey her even when she's wrong. I'm learning to control my temper--never an easy thing around those are both stubborn and irrational (or stubborn and stupid).
*sighs*
So now what? I'm spending the majority of next summer away from home. Summer school...possible research projects...visiting friends in other cities, in my old hometown (Naperville)...etc. I'm spending break on one of the CSC seminars (most likely Appalachia). I might visit home for a few short weekends...but those will mostly be with friends (thus, a tempering wall between us) and short enough to avoid...incidents.
I can't run away from them forever...but I'm tired of trying to mend what can't be mended...at least not by my efforts alone. I've talked to my mother about these control issues before...but she doesn't even see the problem. She insists that all will be fixed if I just (you guessed it!) obeyed her.
It isn't that simple anymore, mother.
As she was looking for the eggs and milk, I grabbed the oatmeal (that she asked for), as well as a bag of chocolate chips and 2 cans of the cappucino Corinthins that I love. When Mom saw the cans, she asked me to put them back. I was a bit upset at this point. I had asked her to pick some up for me the last time she was at Audi, but she couldn't find the cappucino flavored, and only bought a chocolate can. Since these things are fairly cheap ($1.69 per can), I doubt that it was really the cost that bothered her. I explained my reasons for wanting too (this flavor is hard to find, I'm stocking up for next semester, I've had these before and I loved them, etc, etc)...but she stuck to her order. When I asked her to explain why she doesn't want me to buy them, she said, "because I'm your mother, and I'm telling you so."
It was then that the argument shifted from a few cans of cookies to a matter of principle. I don't mind taking advice from her most of the time, or following her wishes--but I refuse to do so purely on arbituary orders. I do expect her to treat me like an adult--which includes explaining her orders when I question the seemingly fuzzy logic behind them. The "do it because I'm your mother" argument doesn't work with me--it never worked when I was a chlid, and it certainly isn't going to work when I'm an adult. I asked her to explain why she doesn't want me to buy it--I even pointed out that I'd buy reimburse her for the money (from the 1.50 in my bank account...and other random change I'm hoping to dig up around the house). She refused to explain...at one point, she mentioned that I don't need any more snacks. I find this rather hurtful, since she knows that I have NO snacks...and the veiled knife in that statement suggests that "you don't need any more snacks because you'd gain weight eating them." Doesn't she even realize that I'm 15 lbs underweight? When I pressed her even for to give a reason, she finally said, "I'm your mother, and you have to obey me. Even when I'm wrong, you can't argue with me--you simply do it." Literally. Her words are still ringing in my head.
So that's what it's all about. *sighs* At that point, I was practically in tears--not over a stupid can of cookies, but because it's a glaring reminder that my mother and I are still locked in this control battle...and she constantly attempts to exert her control over me by verbally slapping me down when I question or contradict her decisions, even when I have very good reasons for doing so. She taunted me at that point...asking how an "adult" could be reduced to tears over cookies.
It's not the cookies that I'm crying over, mother. It's the ruined relationship between us that I can't seem to mend no matter how hard I try. The one thing I can't give up is my freedom, my ability to make my own decisions now that I'm mature enough to take responsibilities for them, and to generally avoid making bad ones. The one thing that you can't seem to give up is control over me. I'm an adult, mom. I truly can't bow to you on this principle...I will not, I cannot do act merely on your orders when they go against my own good sense--especially when you refuse to give reasons for your orders. It's children who takes orders without questions...children, who acts to another's conscious rather than their own. I'm no longer a child--please don't treat me like one.
It was a silent trip home. I made two calls as soon I came in the door. The first one to Pete--only to find even more bad news. He had forgotten that I said I'd be out in the afternoon, and that i'd call him as soon as I get in so I don't keep him waiting (we're supposed to get dinner together). Since I wasn't here when he called, he got dinner on his own. *sighs* There goes my excuse to get out of the house.
The second call was to my Dad. I calmed myself down a little, and explained the situation to him, exactly as it happened (impossible to keep all bias out of it, but I tried to be as object as possible). He was helpful...and quite understanding. That's the way things are between Dad and I. As a child, I was the mediator between them for their fights--and there was certainly many fights. Yet as I fought more and more with my mother as a teenager, he became the mediator between us. I identity a lot more with him...though my personality is much more like my mother's. 95% of the time, it's his position during an argument that I feel has the strongest justification. *sighs* Anyway. He talked to me a bit...explaining that my mother is stubborn and has a temper like this...that she often changes her mind, and is painfully repentent afterwards...but it's frustratingly and unbearable in the meantime. I know all of this...but it's still encouraging to hear it from someone else. I had stopped crying by the time I got off the phone. Dad also promised to call in later and talk to Mom about the situation--not an easy promise to make, considering how much my mother resents the affiliation with my Dad and I when it comes to opposing her. I don't blame her for resenting...but it really is her own fault, considering that she acts so unreasonable towards both of us.
*sighs* Things are not going well at home between Mom and I. I wrote about the fight we had yesterday over my next dentist appointment...about the singing at the Church party last Saturday (editor's note: this entry is edited and copied from my private journal, and the entries I'm refering to here is also from my private journal)...*sighs* 3 fights in 4 days is not a good record. Last week was fine, but I suspect that's largely due to Sophie's presence...and the fact that my Mom and I spend relatively little time with one another. Leave us along for more then 24 hours, and there's sure to be fireworks.
I don't know what to do...or how to react to this anymore. I used to think that it was largely my fault. Certainly, my own stubborness often makes these fights worse. But for the last few ones, I felt as if I correctly picked my battles. I knew that I was right...or at least mostly right...and I tried to compromise in all situations but ones where no compromise is possible.
But things still go badly...
I'm afraid that if the relationship between us continues in the same way, I'll have to conceed defeat. I have to admit that it's really impossible for my mother and I to have an open, friendly relationship--that I have to play that hated game of pretense and white lies, and half-hearted agreements just to keep the peace between us. Ultimately, my mother has always wanted things to be done exactly in "her way"...she could never accept that other ways could be equally correct, if it differs--or God forbid, contradicts--her own. My father ended up bending to her will. They still fight occasionally...but I noticed that he conceeds the point even when he doesn't believe it...he simply bends to her, to keep the peace. That's not in me...that's never been in me. I'm not one to give up the principle of something (especially something important) simply so that everyone gets along. I don't have to be right--I just can't stand to pretend to admit that I'm wrong when I don't really feel that way.
*sighs* It's a comfort knowing that our broken relationship isn't all my fault. I was a certainly a brat--a difficult, stubborn, and wild child during my teenage years who got into far more trouble then my parents ever suspect--and they suspected a lot. I think I've grown up a lot during the past year of college (thank you Blythe!), but the tension...the control battles between my mother and I still haven't ceased. For all of last summer, when we fought daily (for hours at a time...I spend much of less summer journaling my heart away, or crying behind the locked doors of my room)...I thought that it was still my fault, my lack of maturity that causes these fights.
This break, things a little different. I'm much more sure of myself...I'm more willing to compromise on smaller issues, though as always, I stand firm on some general principles. More and more, I see myself being the reasonable one...whereas my mother seems to even more stubborn in her irrational insistence that I obey her even when she's wrong. I'm learning to control my temper--never an easy thing around those are both stubborn and irrational (or stubborn and stupid).
*sighs*
So now what? I'm spending the majority of next summer away from home. Summer school...possible research projects...visiting friends in other cities, in my old hometown (Naperville)...etc. I'm spending break on one of the CSC seminars (most likely Appalachia). I might visit home for a few short weekends...but those will mostly be with friends (thus, a tempering wall between us) and short enough to avoid...incidents.
I can't run away from them forever...but I'm tired of trying to mend what can't be mended...at least not by my efforts alone. I've talked to my mother about these control issues before...but she doesn't even see the problem. She insists that all will be fixed if I just (you guessed it!) obeyed her.
It isn't that simple anymore, mother.