Just Like a Pill (7/?)
Based off the YJ_anon_meme prompt:
"So, Robin is actually a girl, but dresses and acts like a boy because of what happens to little girls in Gotham. The team find out and have to deal with not only their betrayal, but having to completely change their expectations.
Bonus! The guys start getting protective, and Robin shows them that she doesn't need them to save her."
Warnings: gratuitous use of completely invented facts about beaches, some strong swearing at one point and mild swearing peppered throughout
A/N: This is the longest installment so far!!! It's also unbeta'd so read at your own risk. This one gave me hours of trouble so thank God it's over. That was the worst set of confrontations I've ever had to write.
Part VII
“You didn’t submit a report nor did you respond to the communiqué I sent your gauntlet and now I’ve got an alert that you have been separated from both of your emergency comms. What is going on?
Robin didn’t bother turning around, she just set her hand on top of her mentors and watched the surf crash on the beach.
Batman allowed them to lapse into silence for several long moments before continuing. “Where is your belt?” He asked, deadly serious.
“They know,” Robin replied tiredly, having no other excuse for her many lapses. The hand on her shoulder tensed.
“They know what?”
“Superboy has supersmell. Apparently I smell like Artemis, not you or Wally.” Robin replied, her voice coming out oddly chipper, but in a creepy shrill sort of way. It reminded her of the time she got hit with the Joker’s gas. She blamed the trembling on the memories.
Batman was silent, so Robin focused on the beach in front of her. A wave crashed, on average, once every 1.3 seconds. There were seventeen sea gulls, two of which were missing some of their guide feathers causing them to fly slightly erratically.
“You know what this means,” Batman said finally.
Robin tensed. “No.” To her disgust, she sounded more dismayed than rebellious.
“Robin, we had an agreement.” There was no give in either Batman’s grip or his words.
“I’m …I’m not ready.” Robin argued. “You said we’d wait until-”
“That was only if you were not already compromised and you know it,” Batman interjected, sounding disappointed.
“Batman,” she pleaded, “please, they’ll know and they’ll never forgive me.”
“You know better than that. They’ll doubt. Over time, they’ll all realize Robin really died. They’ll never know Osprey is you. Batgirl will be introduced at the same time and Red should be ready by then as well.” Batman reasoned logically.
“They’re not stupid!” Robin yelled, violently removing herself from Batman’s grip. “They’ll know. I told them.” She was so shocked by her own daring she couldn’t even believe she was actually speaking at this point. “I told them about Phase III.”
She could feel Batman’s anger at her indiscretion. It built up like one of those really big storms you never wanted to get caught in unaware.
“Batman. Please.” She pleaded. “KF and Red Arrow are my best friends. The team is …getting close. I don’t think I could take it if-”
“The Mission is about sacrifice. You have to be strong. If you can’t take this sort of pressure, it was my mistake to allow you Robin in the first place.”
For a moment, Robin didn’t move. She couldn’t move; Batman’s last words on a continuous loop through her head.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Unable to take it any longer, Robin bolted, hoping beyond all hope that Batman would let her go.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Batman watched somberly as his protégée spirited herself away. It wasn’t his intention to upset her so, but it was necessary to keep her safe. Rachel was only thirteen. Working with him, living with him, wasn’t safe for a girl that young. Robin had seen a lot, but he’d still managed to shelter her from the worst.
Young Justice knowing Robin’s true gender was a threat that couldn’t go unanswered. Artemis especially was a liability. She lacked any true loyalty and had family connections that could easily push her to overcome any personally loyalty she held to Robin. Several of Gotham’s worst had their hands in the sex trade. If it came out that Robin was female… He consciously unclenched his fists. No. He would not allow it.
Robin wasn’t entirely sure how she managed to get herself to the grove hidden in the woods behind Mount Justice but she was glad for the space.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Grabbing a decently shaped pebble, she imbedded it in a nearby tree with an inarticulate scream. She hadn’t known then! Being a boy wasn’t much different from being a girl when you’re nine!! She hadn’t had any friends once she’d been taken from the circus!! Everything was so different then. Her breath hitched, and she focused on stopping the tears. She’d cried more in the past day than she had in the previous year.
Looking around her, she tried to remember better times. Back when she had found this place. Before she had clearance to enter Mount Justice, she’d convinced Batman to take her along at least this far when he’d only been needed for a meeting or something. She’d spent hours out here, learning where all the coolest trees for climbing were and where different animals frequented. This grove had been a place of peace for her. It was so remote seeming; it was like the entire world just disappeared.
She remembered deciding to trust Wally and showing him her secret space. He’d declared it their “secret base” (which even then she’d thought really stupid, ‘cause hello, absolutely no security or true secrecy). It was where he’d told her his name, and where she’d told him Richard’s. A little later, Roy had joined them. Joined their little “secret club” and learned the same identities. They’d all promised to always stick by each other, and Roy and Wally had promised to never fight like their mentors sometimes did. Robin had carefully talked herself around taking that particular vow, though they hadn’t realized it at the time.
Folding herself around her stomach as it reminded her about how much it hated her for moving so much at this time of the month, her heart sank as she remembered how far she’d had to go to keep her pact with Batman. Wally had been so angry and when Roy found out, he’d probably be irate too. The pair of them really were a showcase of foul-tempered red-heads. She could almost hear Roy yelling at her even now…
“-know you can hear me, you little Bat-drone!”
Shocked, Robin looked up from where she’d been dazedly fiddling with a weed and found both Roy and Wally glaring at her. Was nothing sacred anymore? Did the universe really hate her that much? Had she been some kind of Joker-esque villain in a previous life? What kind of cruel universe wouldn’t even let her curl up and hide in the woods without getting yelled at?
“Roy?” Her voice was emotionless Robin-voice. That was Bat-default so that people wouldn’t know when they surprised you.
“Now you’re listening.” Roy growled, “Aren’t you supposed to be all “constantly alert?” Never mind. I said, is it true?”
“He doesn’t believe you’d seriously lie to us about something like that,” Wally added, just in case she wasn’t feeling bad enough already. And suddenly, she wasn’t feeling bad. At. All.
“Yes. I’m a girl. And yes, on Batman’s orders, I didn’t tell you.” She answered her voice perfectly level and completely Rachel.
She watched Roy’s face grow red and Wally look about ready to flip out on her all over again. Fuck. That.
“Yes, I’m a girl.” She spat, scathingly, “I’m so sorry Batman was concerned I might -oh, I don’t know- get raped or something. Silly me, obviously your feelings are far more important than my personal safety. I’m sorry I was taken in by Batman and not left to be a girl in the Gotham Foster System where I’d much more honest about my gender and in a Hell of a lot more danger. I sorry I couldn’t tell you one of the greatest, most painful, secrets I’ve ever had to keep! I’m sorry I had to live with myself knowing I have to lose everyone in order to keep said goddamned secret! And I’m sorry I ever tried to be your friend in the first place, okay!!”
“No! It’s not okay!” Roy snapped back. “We’re your friends. The people you’re supposed to trust!!”
“I can’t believe you kept us all going like that!” Wally added. “I thought we, like, actually knew each other! Does “Richard” even exist? Oh wait, let me guess -even your secret identity is a cover.” It was Wally’s tone that did it. He was so damn caustic.
She launched herself at him with a frustrated angry scream, dodging Roy’s attempts to contain her and only getting more furious as Wally successfully kept her from actually getting a hit in. “You have no idea what it’s like. How much I’ve had to sacrifice. Being Robin, being Richard. I get to be Rachel maybe maybe three weeks out of the year. And if it wasn’t from Bru-Batman I’d be… I’d be…” Panting, and no longer able to really see through a the tears built up behind the mask, she ripped the damn thing off, ignoring the pain and the fact she was pretty sure she’d got a bit of her flesh ripped off in the process. She swallowed, her anger flickering. “I’m sorry, okay?” She closed weakly, looking anywhere but at them as the tears escaped her lashes.
She’d kind of expected them to leave. Or perhaps just jump right back to the yelling at her that she’d interrupted with her little …tantrum. She hadn’t expected a pair of warm arms wrapped around her shoulders or a chin resting on her head.
“You had to go there, didn’t you,” Roy said resignedly, his chest rumbling against her back. “You know I can’t stand it when a woman cries.”
“I’m not trying to,” she protested, half-heartedly trying to get out of his hold if only so she could get all the traitorous tears off her face. “It’s been kinda a bad day, alright?”
Wally made an unhappy sound. “Well, maybe if you’d just told us…” He sighed. “I know I can be Kid Mouth sometimes, but if you were really in danger you know you could trust me -us- to never tell.”
“I gotta say, I kinda thought you did trust us that much. I didn’t believe it when Kid Spazz ran up to me in the middle of getting dressed and blurted you were a girl and I’m still kinda stunned about it now,” Roy said, oddly conversationally. It was kinda cool how she could feel him talking, almost enough to distract her from trying to figure out how the heck she was going to get out of all of this. “Batman’s keeping this under wraps to protect you?”
“Gotham …Gotham’s kinda unsafe.” Way to make the understatement of the century, Robin.
“So, “Richard” is just a cover too?” Wally was trying to hide his hurt from her, but it still stung. “Who’s Rachel?”
“Rachel’s… Rachel’s the name I was born with. In some countries there are laws that young girls can’t perform on stage or in shows. So, to be a performing acrobat, “Richard” was born. I was Richard when my parents died so when Batman found out …well, it worked out for the best.” Robin explained.
“That …can’t be healthy.” Wally supplied.
Robin gave a humorless laugh. “Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was born Rachel, but now I’m mostly Richard, and in my head I usually think of myself as Robin, which is probably bad. But Robin …I don’t think I can be Robin anymore.”
Part VIII
"So, Robin is actually a girl, but dresses and acts like a boy because of what happens to little girls in Gotham. The team find out and have to deal with not only their betrayal, but having to completely change their expectations.
Bonus! The guys start getting protective, and Robin shows them that she doesn't need them to save her."
Warnings: gratuitous use of completely invented facts about beaches, some strong swearing at one point and mild swearing peppered throughout
A/N: This is the longest installment so far!!! It's also unbeta'd so read at your own risk. This one gave me hours of trouble so thank God it's over. That was the worst set of confrontations I've ever had to write.
Part VII
“You didn’t submit a report nor did you respond to the communiqué I sent your gauntlet and now I’ve got an alert that you have been separated from both of your emergency comms. What is going on?
Robin didn’t bother turning around, she just set her hand on top of her mentors and watched the surf crash on the beach.
Batman allowed them to lapse into silence for several long moments before continuing. “Where is your belt?” He asked, deadly serious.
“They know,” Robin replied tiredly, having no other excuse for her many lapses. The hand on her shoulder tensed.
“They know what?”
“Superboy has supersmell. Apparently I smell like Artemis, not you or Wally.” Robin replied, her voice coming out oddly chipper, but in a creepy shrill sort of way. It reminded her of the time she got hit with the Joker’s gas. She blamed the trembling on the memories.
Batman was silent, so Robin focused on the beach in front of her. A wave crashed, on average, once every 1.3 seconds. There were seventeen sea gulls, two of which were missing some of their guide feathers causing them to fly slightly erratically.
“You know what this means,” Batman said finally.
Robin tensed. “No.” To her disgust, she sounded more dismayed than rebellious.
“Robin, we had an agreement.” There was no give in either Batman’s grip or his words.
“I’m …I’m not ready.” Robin argued. “You said we’d wait until-”
“That was only if you were not already compromised and you know it,” Batman interjected, sounding disappointed.
“Batman,” she pleaded, “please, they’ll know and they’ll never forgive me.”
“You know better than that. They’ll doubt. Over time, they’ll all realize Robin really died. They’ll never know Osprey is you. Batgirl will be introduced at the same time and Red should be ready by then as well.” Batman reasoned logically.
“They’re not stupid!” Robin yelled, violently removing herself from Batman’s grip. “They’ll know. I told them.” She was so shocked by her own daring she couldn’t even believe she was actually speaking at this point. “I told them about Phase III.”
She could feel Batman’s anger at her indiscretion. It built up like one of those really big storms you never wanted to get caught in unaware.
“Batman. Please.” She pleaded. “KF and Red Arrow are my best friends. The team is …getting close. I don’t think I could take it if-”
“The Mission is about sacrifice. You have to be strong. If you can’t take this sort of pressure, it was my mistake to allow you Robin in the first place.”
For a moment, Robin didn’t move. She couldn’t move; Batman’s last words on a continuous loop through her head.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Unable to take it any longer, Robin bolted, hoping beyond all hope that Batman would let her go.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Batman watched somberly as his protégée spirited herself away. It wasn’t his intention to upset her so, but it was necessary to keep her safe. Rachel was only thirteen. Working with him, living with him, wasn’t safe for a girl that young. Robin had seen a lot, but he’d still managed to shelter her from the worst.
Young Justice knowing Robin’s true gender was a threat that couldn’t go unanswered. Artemis especially was a liability. She lacked any true loyalty and had family connections that could easily push her to overcome any personally loyalty she held to Robin. Several of Gotham’s worst had their hands in the sex trade. If it came out that Robin was female… He consciously unclenched his fists. No. He would not allow it.
Robin wasn’t entirely sure how she managed to get herself to the grove hidden in the woods behind Mount Justice but she was glad for the space.
-mistake to allow you Robin-
Grabbing a decently shaped pebble, she imbedded it in a nearby tree with an inarticulate scream. She hadn’t known then! Being a boy wasn’t much different from being a girl when you’re nine!! She hadn’t had any friends once she’d been taken from the circus!! Everything was so different then. Her breath hitched, and she focused on stopping the tears. She’d cried more in the past day than she had in the previous year.
Looking around her, she tried to remember better times. Back when she had found this place. Before she had clearance to enter Mount Justice, she’d convinced Batman to take her along at least this far when he’d only been needed for a meeting or something. She’d spent hours out here, learning where all the coolest trees for climbing were and where different animals frequented. This grove had been a place of peace for her. It was so remote seeming; it was like the entire world just disappeared.
She remembered deciding to trust Wally and showing him her secret space. He’d declared it their “secret base” (which even then she’d thought really stupid, ‘cause hello, absolutely no security or true secrecy). It was where he’d told her his name, and where she’d told him Richard’s. A little later, Roy had joined them. Joined their little “secret club” and learned the same identities. They’d all promised to always stick by each other, and Roy and Wally had promised to never fight like their mentors sometimes did. Robin had carefully talked herself around taking that particular vow, though they hadn’t realized it at the time.
Folding herself around her stomach as it reminded her about how much it hated her for moving so much at this time of the month, her heart sank as she remembered how far she’d had to go to keep her pact with Batman. Wally had been so angry and when Roy found out, he’d probably be irate too. The pair of them really were a showcase of foul-tempered red-heads. She could almost hear Roy yelling at her even now…
“-know you can hear me, you little Bat-drone!”
Shocked, Robin looked up from where she’d been dazedly fiddling with a weed and found both Roy and Wally glaring at her. Was nothing sacred anymore? Did the universe really hate her that much? Had she been some kind of Joker-esque villain in a previous life? What kind of cruel universe wouldn’t even let her curl up and hide in the woods without getting yelled at?
“Roy?” Her voice was emotionless Robin-voice. That was Bat-default so that people wouldn’t know when they surprised you.
“Now you’re listening.” Roy growled, “Aren’t you supposed to be all “constantly alert?” Never mind. I said, is it true?”
“He doesn’t believe you’d seriously lie to us about something like that,” Wally added, just in case she wasn’t feeling bad enough already. And suddenly, she wasn’t feeling bad. At. All.
“Yes. I’m a girl. And yes, on Batman’s orders, I didn’t tell you.” She answered her voice perfectly level and completely Rachel.
She watched Roy’s face grow red and Wally look about ready to flip out on her all over again. Fuck. That.
“Yes, I’m a girl.” She spat, scathingly, “I’m so sorry Batman was concerned I might -oh, I don’t know- get raped or something. Silly me, obviously your feelings are far more important than my personal safety. I’m sorry I was taken in by Batman and not left to be a girl in the Gotham Foster System where I’d much more honest about my gender and in a Hell of a lot more danger. I sorry I couldn’t tell you one of the greatest, most painful, secrets I’ve ever had to keep! I’m sorry I had to live with myself knowing I have to lose everyone in order to keep said goddamned secret! And I’m sorry I ever tried to be your friend in the first place, okay!!”
“No! It’s not okay!” Roy snapped back. “We’re your friends. The people you’re supposed to trust!!”
“I can’t believe you kept us all going like that!” Wally added. “I thought we, like, actually knew each other! Does “Richard” even exist? Oh wait, let me guess -even your secret identity is a cover.” It was Wally’s tone that did it. He was so damn caustic.
She launched herself at him with a frustrated angry scream, dodging Roy’s attempts to contain her and only getting more furious as Wally successfully kept her from actually getting a hit in. “You have no idea what it’s like. How much I’ve had to sacrifice. Being Robin, being Richard. I get to be Rachel maybe maybe three weeks out of the year. And if it wasn’t from Bru-Batman I’d be… I’d be…” Panting, and no longer able to really see through a the tears built up behind the mask, she ripped the damn thing off, ignoring the pain and the fact she was pretty sure she’d got a bit of her flesh ripped off in the process. She swallowed, her anger flickering. “I’m sorry, okay?” She closed weakly, looking anywhere but at them as the tears escaped her lashes.
She’d kind of expected them to leave. Or perhaps just jump right back to the yelling at her that she’d interrupted with her little …tantrum. She hadn’t expected a pair of warm arms wrapped around her shoulders or a chin resting on her head.
“You had to go there, didn’t you,” Roy said resignedly, his chest rumbling against her back. “You know I can’t stand it when a woman cries.”
“I’m not trying to,” she protested, half-heartedly trying to get out of his hold if only so she could get all the traitorous tears off her face. “It’s been kinda a bad day, alright?”
Wally made an unhappy sound. “Well, maybe if you’d just told us…” He sighed. “I know I can be Kid Mouth sometimes, but if you were really in danger you know you could trust me -us- to never tell.”
“I gotta say, I kinda thought you did trust us that much. I didn’t believe it when Kid Spazz ran up to me in the middle of getting dressed and blurted you were a girl and I’m still kinda stunned about it now,” Roy said, oddly conversationally. It was kinda cool how she could feel him talking, almost enough to distract her from trying to figure out how the heck she was going to get out of all of this. “Batman’s keeping this under wraps to protect you?”
“Gotham …Gotham’s kinda unsafe.” Way to make the understatement of the century, Robin.
“So, “Richard” is just a cover too?” Wally was trying to hide his hurt from her, but it still stung. “Who’s Rachel?”
“Rachel’s… Rachel’s the name I was born with. In some countries there are laws that young girls can’t perform on stage or in shows. So, to be a performing acrobat, “Richard” was born. I was Richard when my parents died so when Batman found out …well, it worked out for the best.” Robin explained.
“That …can’t be healthy.” Wally supplied.
Robin gave a humorless laugh. “Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was born Rachel, but now I’m mostly Richard, and in my head I usually think of myself as Robin, which is probably bad. But Robin …I don’t think I can be Robin anymore.”
Part VIII