This may make no sense for I am lacking sleep=updated ramblings
I haven't updated for awile so here I go, and may I warn you this shit might just be me rambling on and on...
I feel like with my life every step forward that I make, in return I take two steps back. And my goal, well my goal is to simply get out. For some reason I have always felt the most encredabul feeling to leave this place, this town, this state, and it just seems that with my being held back :pauses: well it makes reaching my goal seem so far away. I just want to leave this place so bad, even though it is all I really know, well sorta...Yea, I have traveled to other places in the U.S. and to other countries like Greece and Italy, but sometimes I feel like this simply isn't my home. :shouts: I want to travel the world! And yet, I get so attached to the people, the places, the things, the moments, the memories...that I leave behind. This all makes me feel torn in what I SHOULD do, compared to what I WANT to do. Not to mention that one of my biggest fears is being alone, alone in a world so vastly populated! How is it that the world has become so un-caring? How is it that we, as americans, which I don't even like to call myself, so sorry to all of you patrioric people. It just isn't who I am. I can't be defined by a country. It's just not who I FEEL like I am. Honestly, there are alot of times I don't even feel like I belong here...But as I was saying, how is it that we, as "americans", have let ourselves become so hated by everyone else, by the rest of the world. Why can't life be simple and there just be logical answers, solutions that actually work! So yea, back on track--deep down what I think I really want is "out". And when I say "out" what I mean is not going to some different state for college for 4 years only to have to end up in some city doing something I probably won't enjoy. No. I don't even know if I want to go to college now...Like I know I have to because of my parents expectations and that if I want to get ANYWHERE in life I need to graduate from college, but is it what I truely want? Or is college just a means of leaving my house and having some freedom but on my parents expenses? I feel so confused, this "not going to college" thought all of a sudden just came to me as in right now too. Maybe this confusion is brought on by the fact that yes, I will have like only 3 friends at WJ next year, and yes I will be left behind, and not only that but I have been so stressed out and have been pushing myself probably way too much all for the sake of doing well in school and hopefully :fingers crossed: that I will get a good SAT score, all for the supposed "goal" of getting into a good college so that I may major in something that gets me a good amount of money and causes me to be successful in life_the end. NOT. That is just not how my life will be, well actually I don't know for sure but hopefully you get what I'm saying. So yea, I really am sacrificing way too much all for the sake of getting good grades, this sucks. I'm sacrificing my social life, it is fucking w/ my relationships, and damn it! I'm fucking sacrificing my own mental health! Hell, I have barely slept in the past 2 days going to sleep at 1:30-2 and then 2:30-3, this isn't helping me function, especially when I have to get up at 6. :groans: Ugh, there is still so much to do and it is getting late. So bye/goodnight/chaio to anyone who may read this, chances are that like no one will even read this but w/e, it helps to vent even if it is to yourself. Mmmm...I wish I could do art work instead of home work... <3
I feel like with my life every step forward that I make, in return I take two steps back. And my goal, well my goal is to simply get out. For some reason I have always felt the most encredabul feeling to leave this place, this town, this state, and it just seems that with my being held back :pauses: well it makes reaching my goal seem so far away. I just want to leave this place so bad, even though it is all I really know, well sorta...Yea, I have traveled to other places in the U.S. and to other countries like Greece and Italy, but sometimes I feel like this simply isn't my home. :shouts: I want to travel the world! And yet, I get so attached to the people, the places, the things, the moments, the memories...that I leave behind. This all makes me feel torn in what I SHOULD do, compared to what I WANT to do. Not to mention that one of my biggest fears is being alone, alone in a world so vastly populated! How is it that the world has become so un-caring? How is it that we, as americans, which I don't even like to call myself, so sorry to all of you patrioric people. It just isn't who I am. I can't be defined by a country. It's just not who I FEEL like I am. Honestly, there are alot of times I don't even feel like I belong here...But as I was saying, how is it that we, as "americans", have let ourselves become so hated by everyone else, by the rest of the world. Why can't life be simple and there just be logical answers, solutions that actually work! So yea, back on track--deep down what I think I really want is "out". And when I say "out" what I mean is not going to some different state for college for 4 years only to have to end up in some city doing something I probably won't enjoy. No. I don't even know if I want to go to college now...Like I know I have to because of my parents expectations and that if I want to get ANYWHERE in life I need to graduate from college, but is it what I truely want? Or is college just a means of leaving my house and having some freedom but on my parents expenses? I feel so confused, this "not going to college" thought all of a sudden just came to me as in right now too. Maybe this confusion is brought on by the fact that yes, I will have like only 3 friends at WJ next year, and yes I will be left behind, and not only that but I have been so stressed out and have been pushing myself probably way too much all for the sake of doing well in school and hopefully :fingers crossed: that I will get a good SAT score, all for the supposed "goal" of getting into a good college so that I may major in something that gets me a good amount of money and causes me to be successful in life_the end. NOT. That is just not how my life will be, well actually I don't know for sure but hopefully you get what I'm saying. So yea, I really am sacrificing way too much all for the sake of getting good grades, this sucks. I'm sacrificing my social life, it is fucking w/ my relationships, and damn it! I'm fucking sacrificing my own mental health! Hell, I have barely slept in the past 2 days going to sleep at 1:30-2 and then 2:30-3, this isn't helping me function, especially when I have to get up at 6. :groans: Ugh, there is still so much to do and it is getting late. So bye/goodnight/chaio to anyone who may read this, chances are that like no one will even read this but w/e, it helps to vent even if it is to yourself. Mmmm...I wish I could do art work instead of home work... <3