What aunt_zelda Thinks: Cabin Fever
*prays someone, anyone is reading this* Because really, you don’t even have to have seen Lost to read this and laugh. I make references to Doctor Who, Heroes, and slash at frequent intervals. There’s also this nasty rumor going around LJ that I’m funny, so you might read it for that. Just please leave comments. It gets so lonely, posting theses reviews and having no comments at all … do you all just hate Lost or something? I hate it too! It’s like junkies took Lord of the Flies and Survivor and added polar bears and slashy goodness! But still I watch! It’s ridiculously addicting!
Anyhoddle, please read. And yeah, spoilers for Lost, Heroes, DW, and pretty much every show I watch.
‘Cabin Fever’
We begin with a girl in the 50s (or around the 50s, the women wear REALLY RED lipstick and those swishy skirts and have scarves in their hair.) Anyhoodle, the girl is going out with a man who is twice her age. She runs into the street and is hit by a car. At the hospital she admits that she’s pregnant, and the baby is born prematurely. He’s too little for her to hold and the nurses have to take him away. Emily (the girl) tells them to name him ‘John.’
WOW. I completely forgot about all that jazz! (Doesn’t that make Locke rather old to be zipping about with his boyfriend on islandic-adventures™, throwing knives and wrestling with wild boars?)
We arrive with Locke. In the night-jungle. Holding a torch. With his boyfriend. No, I will not drop that. Nobody reads these things anyway.
“Who builds a cabin in the middle of the jungle, anyway?”
Hurley, that question makes no sense. Lots of people build cabins in jungles. Treehouses are more common, but cabins are a close second. Now, building psionic fences, Hatches, and suburbias in the jungle, that I don’t get.
Locke says “That’s a good question.” I blink in disbelief. Really guys: CLOSE SECOND.
“So, how about answering it?” Hurley asks, forgetting that this is Lost, and one answer leads to, at minimum, three more questions.
“I don’t know.” Locke admits.
“Why are we even going there?” Hurley asks. This is why Hurley should be co-leader of the Islandians™ with Sawyer. He doesn’t want to tear off into the jungle at night if there’s no clear reason, such as rescuing someone or trailing a bad guy (of which there are very few left at this point on Lost. It’s like Heroes: they’re all villains, to some degree. Except for Walt, Molly, Monica, and Nathan’s lamely-named sons. Mr. Muggles and Vincent are the evil masterminds, and must be watched.)
“Because hopefully the man who lives in the cabin can tell us about the people who are trying to kill us.” elaborates Locke, for the small percentage of the audience who are not obsessed with this show, on drugs, half-conscious, or all of the above.
Locke asks Ben how much farther it is to the Magical Cabin (they didn’t ask the magical liopleurodon?! *grumbles* Non-believers …) Ben says “I don’t know!” exasperated, but there’s a dash of smugness in his exasperation. The smug-dash is, for once, not because he’s Ben, but because he knows that as long as he continues to trek through the jungle with Locke, the more the fangirls will forgive his bug-eyes and let him top in fics.
“I haven’t even been in front!” Hurley, do not apply logic to this show. It only ends in aneurisms and tears.
“Oh this is just awesome.” *sporfles* When Hurley gets sarcastic, you know there’s gonna be trouble.
When Ben asks, annoyed, what Locke thinks they should do, Locke proposes ‘we make camp’ right then and there. If that isn’t the most used “let’s do it” euphemism on the Island, I’ll eat Vincent. (Not really … btw I’m a vegetarian, which is a fun fact for any newcomers around here.)
“I don’t know … yet.” That should be the catchphrase of the show!
Ah, the second most-popular slash this season! Des and Sayid! (Oh come on, they’re sharing a cabin, they’re both insanely hot, they’re both pining for lost girlfriends … do you really think I was gonna let that one slide? Btw Desmond is a Time Lord. This is TRUFAX, which you can tell, because I never ever use that phrase unless I’m very, very certain and very, very tired.)
Oh yeah, the show … helicopter’s back.
“I need you to tell me exactly how many people are on that island and were every single one of them is.” Ex-Marine demands.
“And why would I do that?” Sayid deadpans. He’s too badass for words. And he doesn’t even have the long-dark-coat-of-smexy-anti-hero-ness yet!
Then the Capt. (who I haven’t met, because I missed the episode where Sun cries in the future about Jin and has her baby in the past and Sayid and Des meet the Capt.) tells Ex-Marine he’s not the one who told Ben his creepy info.
Ex-Marine kicks Michael (yeah, Michael’s handcuffed to one of those convenient pipes one finds in cells) around a bit. We learn his name, it’s ‘Martin’ which is helpful to me but looks damn painful on Michael’s part. Then Martin tries to shoot Michael (damn with the ‘M’ names! What is this, Heroes?!) Of course, the gun doesn’t work. Because Michael is invulnerable of fatalities until the Island decrees he’s paid-off his debts or whatever.
*sigh* Sadly Ben is not snuggled up to Locke when Locke awakes in the jungle. All the boys are lying separately around the dying fire in the morning. No watch? How stupid are these people?! There’s no end of ridiculous, murderous entities and you don’t set up a watch?! *headdesk* Yes, I’m really just annoyed that Ben was not snuggled up to Locke and I’m trying to cover, how did you know?
Locke finds some guy with longish hair chopping down trees in a gray Dharma jumpsuit. So, the latest desperate tactic by the fans to get some damn answers is to chop down all the trees on the Island, so everyone will be able to see everything? That’s … actually not a bad plan … *fetches an ax*
“I’m not making any sense, am I?” Horace asks.
“No,” Locke says rather amiably, seeing as the fans have been screeching about this for years.
Horace turns around, then turns back to face Locke. He’s now got a trickle of dried blood coming down from his nose. Oh ew. “That’s probably because I’ve been dead for twelve years.” Double ew … wait, does this mean we get vampires on the Island?! *does a hopeful-dance*
Then it turns into a loop. Then Horace tells Locke to find him (I’m assuming Horace) and then he’ll be able to find Jacob. It’s all a loop, speckled with random clues and gibberish, which I won’t transcribe because I have to get up early tomorrow morning.
Locke wakes up for real. Ben is already awake, watching Locke. Hee hee. Locke wakes up Hurley, who, I notice, is doing what all of the Islandians™ should do: he’s wearing a big green shirt. When going into the jungle, green and brown is good. Bright reds and blues, while striking, are not wise and usually peg you as dead meat. Or just colorblind. Hee, that’d be a great plot-device, someone who’s color-blind and puts on a bright red shirt when going into the jungle … then again that wouldn’t work … *shakes head* nevermind, I’m not colorblind, my best friend is, she should cover this bit …
Anyhoodle, Locke wakes Hurley up and says they’re going. “I thought we didn’t know where we were going, dude.” Also, when Hurley was half-asleep he said something that sounded like ‘Mianmar’ but don’t quote me on that.
Ben smirks at Locke when Locke says they know where they’re going now. “I used to have dreams …” No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man …
In a flashback, Locke’s mommy flees at the prospect of holding her son for the first time. Her cold, mean mother asks the nurse who to talk to about adoption and pulls out a cigarette. The nurse says you can’t smoke in here, then the-man-who-does-not-age pops up in the window. Richard, aka ‘Eyeliner Man,’ aka ‘The Guy Who Converted Ben to the Dark Side,’ aka ‘Richard the Unchanging’ is looking pretty slick in a suit with his hair short. He’s also really, really creepy. Right up there with Sylar, pre-Homecoming, or when we only saw HRG from that weird angle.
Locke and Hurley (and Ben, who is not on a leash much to my disappointment and mild annoyance) trek through the Jungle. Locke swipes at foliage with one of his big-ass-knives for no apparent reason. I bet it makes him feel manly inside, or some such thing. He should know that guys-with-boyfriends can be badass too. They proved it on Torchwood.
“Can I ask you something?” Hurley asks.
“Sure.” Locke says, not saying ‘You already did’ which I’m almost positive he has said before.
“What am I doing here, man?” Hurley asks, going waaaaaaaaaaay deeper than anyone on Lost has gone since Jin tearfully insisted they were on the Island for punishment.
“You’re here because you can see the cabin, and that makes you special.” If Locke and Ben don’t stop with the ‘special’ business, Sylar’s going to attack from a rival channel and kill ‘em all … including Desmond, the Time Lord, which will bring the Doctor and the Master and … yeah, that one got away from me, but somehow Rose and Claire are related, which means Kate is the cousin of the Master and Sawyer shagged Jack a few years in the future and Sayid kidnapped Mohinder.
“I’ve got a theory as to why we’re the only ones who can see it.” Hurley, the fanboy, says.
“I’d love to hear it.” Says Locke, the type of person one wants around when you spout crazy theories.
“I think we can see it ’cause we’re the craziest.” Hurley, that’s actually not that bad of a point …
Locke shows Hurley the Death Pit, and the music gets all intense and Ben looks like he might cry, or shoot someone. I wanna know why he killed that nice girl who made the dolls for him. Or was she already dead? Via volcano? Does Ben blame the Doctor for Annie’s death? (That was her name, right? Annie?)
Flashback! Silent John plays backgammon, then Richard comes inside and talks about a school he runs for special kids. Like Hogwarts, but with polar bears and hippies and mind-games. It’s raining, in this flashback, btw. That might be important in the ‘Richard is a vampire!’ case.
There’s a kid’s drawing on the wall, of a stick figure falling backwards from a scribble that might be flames, or the Hatch exploding/imploding, or the smoke monster. Whatever it is, John drew it.
Richard puts some items on the table and asks John to pick out which ones belong to him. It’s very strange and full of symbolism. When John picks up the knife, Richard asks if he’s sure that belongs to him. John nods. I feel apprehensive. Richard looks disappointed, maybe even a little angry, and takes the knife and everything else back, saying it’s not John’s. Then he leaves in a rush, saying he doesn’t think John is ready for his school quite yet. John’s foster mother asks what he did. John looks tearful and confused. I wanna hug him.
Locke rummages around in the Death Pit. Hurley stands up on the edge, and Ben is sitting down with his legs hanging over the edge.
“So … this is where you shot Locke and left him for dead, huh?” Hurley asks apprehensively, in a conversational kind of way.
“Yes, Hugo, I was standing right where you are now when I pulled the trigger.” Ben says wearily, not wanting to recount his lover’s spat with Hurley. “Should’ve realized at the time that it was pointless but,” he rolls his head, “I really wasn’t thinking clearly.” (Oho! Slash! Slash! *points and cheers*)
Then Ben snaps that it wasn’t his decision to kill the Dharma Initiative, it was the leaders. Hurley says he thought Ben was the leader. “Not always …” I have high-hopes for young!Ben flashbacks in the future … they’re so much fun, with the bunnies and the wars and the teacher-wielding-a-rifle …
Oh yeah, Locke finds a map in Horace’s pocket of the cabin. I’d forgotten that was what this episode was about.
On the Boat, things are going the way of Martial Law. Martin is going a bit wonky, or maybe he was always like that and is now enjoying his role as tall-baddie-who-slams-smaller-men-into-walls. Doesn’t he know slamming another man into a wall is the signal for slash authors to start their engines? Silly man … anyway, there’s this Dharma packet in the safe about secondary-protocols and Martin mentions his plan to ‘torch the island.’ Utto … fire BAD!
On the deck, some-guy’s phone starts beeping with the Jericho soundtrack … I mean, Morse-Code, and the ominous-music alerts us to the ‘difference in time’ business they’ve only just started up this season. Personally I think it means the Island is a black hole and a white hole simultaneously, spewing out weird stuff and slowing down time and such. All of that is in Purgatory, btw.
Another random-guy advises Sayid and Des to hide in the pantry with the food and water random-guy stashed there. Sayid inquires about Michael’s life-or-death, and random-guy says Michael is still alive, but not because people aren’t trying. Sayid insists hiding won’t work and wants to get a boat so he and Des can ferry the Islandians™ to the Boat. I don’t know why Sayid thinks that the more strangers on a hostile vessel full of killers the better, but as only 6 make it back I’m not going to worry too much about anything except if Sawyer and Claire survive.
“Oh I get it, now you’ve got your magic map you don’t need me anymore.” Hurley, Locke just wants some alone-time with his boyfriend.
After some back-and-forth about danger Hurley elects to stay. Once he’s out of earshot, Ben smirks. “He actually thinks staying was his idea. Not bad, John.” John insists he isn’t Ben. “No, you’re certainly not.” Come on, you guys were both born prematurely! You were both wronged by your asshole-fathers! You’ve been thrown together by fate and destiny and all that jazz! Cue the romantic music, please!
Flashback! Teenaged John has been ‘locked’ (hee hee) in a locker (hee hee.) Bullies who make fun of your last name … *huggles John* it’s gonna be ok, baby … and who needs giggling teenagers when you can snuggle up to Ben at night?
Anyhoodle, the teacher (or principle, or guidance councellor) pitches something Dharma/Others-ie to John, about a Science Camp. John dismisses it, saying science is what gets him stuffed into Locke-ers and how he likes fishing and cars and sports. The teacher tells him he can’t be a superhero. And just as I realize what he’s about to say, John snaps “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do!” and storms out.
Is the only purpose of the Boat to block majestic sunsets? Really? ’Cause that’s all I see it doing.
Pilot (after chuckling a scary chuckle) busts Michael out of his cell. “Man, I thought I was Mr. Conspiracy Theory, but you’ve got me beat there.” Pilot, just wait until you get jiggy with the locals …
Martin (who Pilot calls ‘boss’) is having some kind of device strapped to his upper-arm. Pilot claims he’s just taking Michael down to the engine room.
Des and Sayid break up. Sayid takes off in the boat to PotC music. The boat is called, for some reason, ‘The Zodiac.’ What a strange name. Apparently the BOAT boat’s name is ‘Kahana’ … what does that mean?
The Ben/Locke and Hurley show!
“I was told a lot of things too. That I was chosen, that I was special. I end up with a tumor on my spine and my daughter’s blood all over my hands.”
Locke turns, and the romantic, sincere music kicks in. (You might not even need to add a love-song to this when you make fan-vids and put it on youtube!) “I’m sorry those things happened to you, Ben.”
Ben looks away. “Those things had to happen to me. That was my destiny. Which you’ll understand soon, that there are consequences to being chosen. Because destiny John? Is a fickle bitch.” Whoa … fantastic exchange, there!
ZOMG! It’s that terrifying black guy!
Ok, let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I do not think that man is terrifying because he is black, though his accent is unsettling. I think he’s terrifying because his eyes are scanning my soul, and he’s not even looking at me. *shudders* This man is bad, bad news, and is suddenly popping up, not only in the future, but in the past. I don’t want to see him in the present, really, I don’t.
Anyhoodle, Terrifying-Man tells Locke he needs to go on a Walkabout, and explains what a Walkabout is. He doesn’t explain that some Walkabouts are people retracing the paths the Ancestors took after they woke up from the watering holes when they got woken up by that-god-whose-name-I-can’t-remember. (I love mythology.)
Terrifying-Man tells Locke that the next time they meet, Locke will owe him one. Then the elevator closes with us staring at Terrifying-Man’s terrifying face. Am I the only one who though he was gonna push Locke down the stairs?
The Scary-Random-Dudes assemble their guns and bags and junk. One random-dude tells the doctor (no, not the Doctor, just a doctor) that the Morse-Code message from last week said the doctor washed up on the beach with his throat slit. Yeek … they should have had Jack cry over the body and say “Just regenerate!”
Ok, Pilot says he won’t fly the baddies to the Island, Martin slits the doctor’s throat and throws him overboard, the Capt. and some loyalists show up and try to get Martin to stand down, Martin lifts his arm with the device that looks like a thermostat and says he doesn’t think the Capt. should do that, then he shoots the Capt. Desmond slinks away. The Pilot says they’re flying. I hope he crashes it into the sea. It would be noble of him. I love his character, and pilots represent, but I really don’t want those psychos unleashed on the Island. They don’t have many Red Shirts left to feed to the Monster. Will the baddies take Scott? Or was it Steve … whichever is alive anymore, if either …
Pilot sends a message (I think) to the other phone that Danny-Boy and Red have, and they take off. Martin took back his gun from the dead, Capt, btw, if anyone’s interested.
Time Lord Desmond for Captain!
Back on the Beach with the Jackalopes, Jack is being an idiot. Juliet attempts to make some facial expressions. Then the helicopter thrums in the distance. Everyone gathers. Some people smile, others can hear the ominous-music and look more concerned and scared. The helicopter sails over them and Pilot’s bag drops onto one of the more poorly-constructed tents. Jack finds the phone and deduces from the pretty lights that ‘they’ want ‘us’ to follow ‘them.’ Luverly.
At Jacob’s cabin, Locke is dumped again by Ben. This time it’s not via a bullet, thankfully, but it provides an interesting angst-window for us slashers. Ben insists that it’s Locke’s time now. Hurley says he’s ‘cool’ with Locke going in alone as well. In a backwards-kind-of-symbolism, Locke hands the torch to Hurley.
“Good luck, John,” Ben says, looking very puppy-eyed. Locke merely glares. Ooooo, I know who’s topping in this pairing …
Locke enters the cabin with a lantern, sees the shilohette of a man, and asks if he’s Jacob.
“No,” says the man, “But I can speak for him.” Between thinking ‘damnit!’ and hitting my head against the wall, I recognize that semi-creepy, very suave voice. It’s Jack and Claire’s daddy. He introduces himself to Locke as Christen (his real name.)
“You know why I’m here?” Locke asks.
“Yeah, sure. Do you?” Oh great, he’s one of those people that Lost thrives on.
Then Claire is revealed, sitting in the shadows! She says she’s fine, because she’s with ‘him’ and nods at her dad. Locke is confuzzled and asks where the baby is. Christen says the baby is where he’s supposed to be and that’s all that matters, and advises Locke not to mention seeing Claire in the Magical Cabin.
“And once they get here, none of these questions will matter anymore.” Oh happy, happy day …
“How do I save the Island?”
Christen smiles. Claire smiles too … but it’s in a vaguely evil kind of way … I’m worried. Very worried indeed.
Outside, in awkward silence, Hurley shares his candy bar with a surprised, mayhap even honored, Ben. It’s a very cute scene. The two actors handle it very well.
Locke returns, very slowly, out of the darkness … I hate symbolism. I’m also really craving a candy bar …
“Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” Ben asks.
“He did.” Locke replies.
Ben snaps “Well?” (A deep hole in the ground …)
Locke pauses. “He wants us to move the Island.”
WOW.
Dun dun daaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Oh my god, next week is Part 1 of the season finale! In two weeks I’ll be tearing my hair out and screeching so loud that people in Cardiff will be able to hear me!
Next Week: Sawyer admits they ‘lost’ Claire and hands Aaron to Kate. Shots of Jin and Sun. Sayid warning people that the people on the helicopter wanna kill them all. Some people having a Mexican standoff with guns. Des on the Boat in a doorway yelling “I need you now!” and a shot of Michael looking scared. A voice saying “They’re referring to you as the Oceanic Six” and shots of … the Oceanic Six. Kate and Aaron, Hurley, Sun, Jack, and Sayid. Also a shot of Ben, looking serious, as he is wont to do.
Anyhoddle, please read. And yeah, spoilers for Lost, Heroes, DW, and pretty much every show I watch.
‘Cabin Fever’
We begin with a girl in the 50s (or around the 50s, the women wear REALLY RED lipstick and those swishy skirts and have scarves in their hair.) Anyhoodle, the girl is going out with a man who is twice her age. She runs into the street and is hit by a car. At the hospital she admits that she’s pregnant, and the baby is born prematurely. He’s too little for her to hold and the nurses have to take him away. Emily (the girl) tells them to name him ‘John.’
WOW. I completely forgot about all that jazz! (Doesn’t that make Locke rather old to be zipping about with his boyfriend on islandic-adventures™, throwing knives and wrestling with wild boars?)
We arrive with Locke. In the night-jungle. Holding a torch. With his boyfriend. No, I will not drop that. Nobody reads these things anyway.
“Who builds a cabin in the middle of the jungle, anyway?”
Hurley, that question makes no sense. Lots of people build cabins in jungles. Treehouses are more common, but cabins are a close second. Now, building psionic fences, Hatches, and suburbias in the jungle, that I don’t get.
Locke says “That’s a good question.” I blink in disbelief. Really guys: CLOSE SECOND.
“So, how about answering it?” Hurley asks, forgetting that this is Lost, and one answer leads to, at minimum, three more questions.
“I don’t know.” Locke admits.
“Why are we even going there?” Hurley asks. This is why Hurley should be co-leader of the Islandians™ with Sawyer. He doesn’t want to tear off into the jungle at night if there’s no clear reason, such as rescuing someone or trailing a bad guy (of which there are very few left at this point on Lost. It’s like Heroes: they’re all villains, to some degree. Except for Walt, Molly, Monica, and Nathan’s lamely-named sons. Mr. Muggles and Vincent are the evil masterminds, and must be watched.)
“Because hopefully the man who lives in the cabin can tell us about the people who are trying to kill us.” elaborates Locke, for the small percentage of the audience who are not obsessed with this show, on drugs, half-conscious, or all of the above.
Locke asks Ben how much farther it is to the Magical Cabin (they didn’t ask the magical liopleurodon?! *grumbles* Non-believers …) Ben says “I don’t know!” exasperated, but there’s a dash of smugness in his exasperation. The smug-dash is, for once, not because he’s Ben, but because he knows that as long as he continues to trek through the jungle with Locke, the more the fangirls will forgive his bug-eyes and let him top in fics.
“I haven’t even been in front!” Hurley, do not apply logic to this show. It only ends in aneurisms and tears.
“Oh this is just awesome.” *sporfles* When Hurley gets sarcastic, you know there’s gonna be trouble.
When Ben asks, annoyed, what Locke thinks they should do, Locke proposes ‘we make camp’ right then and there. If that isn’t the most used “let’s do it” euphemism on the Island, I’ll eat Vincent. (Not really … btw I’m a vegetarian, which is a fun fact for any newcomers around here.)
“I don’t know … yet.” That should be the catchphrase of the show!
Ah, the second most-popular slash this season! Des and Sayid! (Oh come on, they’re sharing a cabin, they’re both insanely hot, they’re both pining for lost girlfriends … do you really think I was gonna let that one slide? Btw Desmond is a Time Lord. This is TRUFAX, which you can tell, because I never ever use that phrase unless I’m very, very certain and very, very tired.)
Oh yeah, the show … helicopter’s back.
“I need you to tell me exactly how many people are on that island and were every single one of them is.” Ex-Marine demands.
“And why would I do that?” Sayid deadpans. He’s too badass for words. And he doesn’t even have the long-dark-coat-of-smexy-anti-hero-ness yet!
Then the Capt. (who I haven’t met, because I missed the episode where Sun cries in the future about Jin and has her baby in the past and Sayid and Des meet the Capt.) tells Ex-Marine he’s not the one who told Ben his creepy info.
Ex-Marine kicks Michael (yeah, Michael’s handcuffed to one of those convenient pipes one finds in cells) around a bit. We learn his name, it’s ‘Martin’ which is helpful to me but looks damn painful on Michael’s part. Then Martin tries to shoot Michael (damn with the ‘M’ names! What is this, Heroes?!) Of course, the gun doesn’t work. Because Michael is invulnerable of fatalities until the Island decrees he’s paid-off his debts or whatever.
*sigh* Sadly Ben is not snuggled up to Locke when Locke awakes in the jungle. All the boys are lying separately around the dying fire in the morning. No watch? How stupid are these people?! There’s no end of ridiculous, murderous entities and you don’t set up a watch?! *headdesk* Yes, I’m really just annoyed that Ben was not snuggled up to Locke and I’m trying to cover, how did you know?
Locke finds some guy with longish hair chopping down trees in a gray Dharma jumpsuit. So, the latest desperate tactic by the fans to get some damn answers is to chop down all the trees on the Island, so everyone will be able to see everything? That’s … actually not a bad plan … *fetches an ax*
“I’m not making any sense, am I?” Horace asks.
“No,” Locke says rather amiably, seeing as the fans have been screeching about this for years.
Horace turns around, then turns back to face Locke. He’s now got a trickle of dried blood coming down from his nose. Oh ew. “That’s probably because I’ve been dead for twelve years.” Double ew … wait, does this mean we get vampires on the Island?! *does a hopeful-dance*
Then it turns into a loop. Then Horace tells Locke to find him (I’m assuming Horace) and then he’ll be able to find Jacob. It’s all a loop, speckled with random clues and gibberish, which I won’t transcribe because I have to get up early tomorrow morning.
Locke wakes up for real. Ben is already awake, watching Locke. Hee hee. Locke wakes up Hurley, who, I notice, is doing what all of the Islandians™ should do: he’s wearing a big green shirt. When going into the jungle, green and brown is good. Bright reds and blues, while striking, are not wise and usually peg you as dead meat. Or just colorblind. Hee, that’d be a great plot-device, someone who’s color-blind and puts on a bright red shirt when going into the jungle … then again that wouldn’t work … *shakes head* nevermind, I’m not colorblind, my best friend is, she should cover this bit …
Anyhoodle, Locke wakes Hurley up and says they’re going. “I thought we didn’t know where we were going, dude.” Also, when Hurley was half-asleep he said something that sounded like ‘Mianmar’ but don’t quote me on that.
Ben smirks at Locke when Locke says they know where they’re going now. “I used to have dreams …” No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man …
In a flashback, Locke’s mommy flees at the prospect of holding her son for the first time. Her cold, mean mother asks the nurse who to talk to about adoption and pulls out a cigarette. The nurse says you can’t smoke in here, then the-man-who-does-not-age pops up in the window. Richard, aka ‘Eyeliner Man,’ aka ‘The Guy Who Converted Ben to the Dark Side,’ aka ‘Richard the Unchanging’ is looking pretty slick in a suit with his hair short. He’s also really, really creepy. Right up there with Sylar, pre-Homecoming, or when we only saw HRG from that weird angle.
Locke and Hurley (and Ben, who is not on a leash much to my disappointment and mild annoyance) trek through the Jungle. Locke swipes at foliage with one of his big-ass-knives for no apparent reason. I bet it makes him feel manly inside, or some such thing. He should know that guys-with-boyfriends can be badass too. They proved it on Torchwood.
“Can I ask you something?” Hurley asks.
“Sure.” Locke says, not saying ‘You already did’ which I’m almost positive he has said before.
“What am I doing here, man?” Hurley asks, going waaaaaaaaaaay deeper than anyone on Lost has gone since Jin tearfully insisted they were on the Island for punishment.
“You’re here because you can see the cabin, and that makes you special.” If Locke and Ben don’t stop with the ‘special’ business, Sylar’s going to attack from a rival channel and kill ‘em all … including Desmond, the Time Lord, which will bring the Doctor and the Master and … yeah, that one got away from me, but somehow Rose and Claire are related, which means Kate is the cousin of the Master and Sawyer shagged Jack a few years in the future and Sayid kidnapped Mohinder.
“I’ve got a theory as to why we’re the only ones who can see it.” Hurley, the fanboy, says.
“I’d love to hear it.” Says Locke, the type of person one wants around when you spout crazy theories.
“I think we can see it ’cause we’re the craziest.” Hurley, that’s actually not that bad of a point …
Locke shows Hurley the Death Pit, and the music gets all intense and Ben looks like he might cry, or shoot someone. I wanna know why he killed that nice girl who made the dolls for him. Or was she already dead? Via volcano? Does Ben blame the Doctor for Annie’s death? (That was her name, right? Annie?)
Flashback! Silent John plays backgammon, then Richard comes inside and talks about a school he runs for special kids. Like Hogwarts, but with polar bears and hippies and mind-games. It’s raining, in this flashback, btw. That might be important in the ‘Richard is a vampire!’ case.
There’s a kid’s drawing on the wall, of a stick figure falling backwards from a scribble that might be flames, or the Hatch exploding/imploding, or the smoke monster. Whatever it is, John drew it.
Richard puts some items on the table and asks John to pick out which ones belong to him. It’s very strange and full of symbolism. When John picks up the knife, Richard asks if he’s sure that belongs to him. John nods. I feel apprehensive. Richard looks disappointed, maybe even a little angry, and takes the knife and everything else back, saying it’s not John’s. Then he leaves in a rush, saying he doesn’t think John is ready for his school quite yet. John’s foster mother asks what he did. John looks tearful and confused. I wanna hug him.
Locke rummages around in the Death Pit. Hurley stands up on the edge, and Ben is sitting down with his legs hanging over the edge.
“So … this is where you shot Locke and left him for dead, huh?” Hurley asks apprehensively, in a conversational kind of way.
“Yes, Hugo, I was standing right where you are now when I pulled the trigger.” Ben says wearily, not wanting to recount his lover’s spat with Hurley. “Should’ve realized at the time that it was pointless but,” he rolls his head, “I really wasn’t thinking clearly.” (Oho! Slash! Slash! *points and cheers*)
Then Ben snaps that it wasn’t his decision to kill the Dharma Initiative, it was the leaders. Hurley says he thought Ben was the leader. “Not always …” I have high-hopes for young!Ben flashbacks in the future … they’re so much fun, with the bunnies and the wars and the teacher-wielding-a-rifle …
Oh yeah, Locke finds a map in Horace’s pocket of the cabin. I’d forgotten that was what this episode was about.
On the Boat, things are going the way of Martial Law. Martin is going a bit wonky, or maybe he was always like that and is now enjoying his role as tall-baddie-who-slams-smaller-men-into-walls. Doesn’t he know slamming another man into a wall is the signal for slash authors to start their engines? Silly man … anyway, there’s this Dharma packet in the safe about secondary-protocols and Martin mentions his plan to ‘torch the island.’ Utto … fire BAD!
On the deck, some-guy’s phone starts beeping with the Jericho soundtrack … I mean, Morse-Code, and the ominous-music alerts us to the ‘difference in time’ business they’ve only just started up this season. Personally I think it means the Island is a black hole and a white hole simultaneously, spewing out weird stuff and slowing down time and such. All of that is in Purgatory, btw.
Another random-guy advises Sayid and Des to hide in the pantry with the food and water random-guy stashed there. Sayid inquires about Michael’s life-or-death, and random-guy says Michael is still alive, but not because people aren’t trying. Sayid insists hiding won’t work and wants to get a boat so he and Des can ferry the Islandians™ to the Boat. I don’t know why Sayid thinks that the more strangers on a hostile vessel full of killers the better, but as only 6 make it back I’m not going to worry too much about anything except if Sawyer and Claire survive.
“Oh I get it, now you’ve got your magic map you don’t need me anymore.” Hurley, Locke just wants some alone-time with his boyfriend.
After some back-and-forth about danger Hurley elects to stay. Once he’s out of earshot, Ben smirks. “He actually thinks staying was his idea. Not bad, John.” John insists he isn’t Ben. “No, you’re certainly not.” Come on, you guys were both born prematurely! You were both wronged by your asshole-fathers! You’ve been thrown together by fate and destiny and all that jazz! Cue the romantic music, please!
Flashback! Teenaged John has been ‘locked’ (hee hee) in a locker (hee hee.) Bullies who make fun of your last name … *huggles John* it’s gonna be ok, baby … and who needs giggling teenagers when you can snuggle up to Ben at night?
Anyhoodle, the teacher (or principle, or guidance councellor) pitches something Dharma/Others-ie to John, about a Science Camp. John dismisses it, saying science is what gets him stuffed into Locke-ers and how he likes fishing and cars and sports. The teacher tells him he can’t be a superhero. And just as I realize what he’s about to say, John snaps “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do!” and storms out.
Is the only purpose of the Boat to block majestic sunsets? Really? ’Cause that’s all I see it doing.
Pilot (after chuckling a scary chuckle) busts Michael out of his cell. “Man, I thought I was Mr. Conspiracy Theory, but you’ve got me beat there.” Pilot, just wait until you get jiggy with the locals …
Martin (who Pilot calls ‘boss’) is having some kind of device strapped to his upper-arm. Pilot claims he’s just taking Michael down to the engine room.
Des and Sayid break up. Sayid takes off in the boat to PotC music. The boat is called, for some reason, ‘The Zodiac.’ What a strange name. Apparently the BOAT boat’s name is ‘Kahana’ … what does that mean?
The Ben/Locke and Hurley show!
“I was told a lot of things too. That I was chosen, that I was special. I end up with a tumor on my spine and my daughter’s blood all over my hands.”
Locke turns, and the romantic, sincere music kicks in. (You might not even need to add a love-song to this when you make fan-vids and put it on youtube!) “I’m sorry those things happened to you, Ben.”
Ben looks away. “Those things had to happen to me. That was my destiny. Which you’ll understand soon, that there are consequences to being chosen. Because destiny John? Is a fickle bitch.” Whoa … fantastic exchange, there!
ZOMG! It’s that terrifying black guy!
Ok, let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I do not think that man is terrifying because he is black, though his accent is unsettling. I think he’s terrifying because his eyes are scanning my soul, and he’s not even looking at me. *shudders* This man is bad, bad news, and is suddenly popping up, not only in the future, but in the past. I don’t want to see him in the present, really, I don’t.
Anyhoodle, Terrifying-Man tells Locke he needs to go on a Walkabout, and explains what a Walkabout is. He doesn’t explain that some Walkabouts are people retracing the paths the Ancestors took after they woke up from the watering holes when they got woken up by that-god-whose-name-I-can’t-remember. (I love mythology.)
Terrifying-Man tells Locke that the next time they meet, Locke will owe him one. Then the elevator closes with us staring at Terrifying-Man’s terrifying face. Am I the only one who though he was gonna push Locke down the stairs?
The Scary-Random-Dudes assemble their guns and bags and junk. One random-dude tells the doctor (no, not the Doctor, just a doctor) that the Morse-Code message from last week said the doctor washed up on the beach with his throat slit. Yeek … they should have had Jack cry over the body and say “Just regenerate!”
Ok, Pilot says he won’t fly the baddies to the Island, Martin slits the doctor’s throat and throws him overboard, the Capt. and some loyalists show up and try to get Martin to stand down, Martin lifts his arm with the device that looks like a thermostat and says he doesn’t think the Capt. should do that, then he shoots the Capt. Desmond slinks away. The Pilot says they’re flying. I hope he crashes it into the sea. It would be noble of him. I love his character, and pilots represent, but I really don’t want those psychos unleashed on the Island. They don’t have many Red Shirts left to feed to the Monster. Will the baddies take Scott? Or was it Steve … whichever is alive anymore, if either …
Pilot sends a message (I think) to the other phone that Danny-Boy and Red have, and they take off. Martin took back his gun from the dead, Capt, btw, if anyone’s interested.
Time Lord Desmond for Captain!
Back on the Beach with the Jackalopes, Jack is being an idiot. Juliet attempts to make some facial expressions. Then the helicopter thrums in the distance. Everyone gathers. Some people smile, others can hear the ominous-music and look more concerned and scared. The helicopter sails over them and Pilot’s bag drops onto one of the more poorly-constructed tents. Jack finds the phone and deduces from the pretty lights that ‘they’ want ‘us’ to follow ‘them.’ Luverly.
At Jacob’s cabin, Locke is dumped again by Ben. This time it’s not via a bullet, thankfully, but it provides an interesting angst-window for us slashers. Ben insists that it’s Locke’s time now. Hurley says he’s ‘cool’ with Locke going in alone as well. In a backwards-kind-of-symbolism, Locke hands the torch to Hurley.
“Good luck, John,” Ben says, looking very puppy-eyed. Locke merely glares. Ooooo, I know who’s topping in this pairing …
Locke enters the cabin with a lantern, sees the shilohette of a man, and asks if he’s Jacob.
“No,” says the man, “But I can speak for him.” Between thinking ‘damnit!’ and hitting my head against the wall, I recognize that semi-creepy, very suave voice. It’s Jack and Claire’s daddy. He introduces himself to Locke as Christen (his real name.)
“You know why I’m here?” Locke asks.
“Yeah, sure. Do you?” Oh great, he’s one of those people that Lost thrives on.
Then Claire is revealed, sitting in the shadows! She says she’s fine, because she’s with ‘him’ and nods at her dad. Locke is confuzzled and asks where the baby is. Christen says the baby is where he’s supposed to be and that’s all that matters, and advises Locke not to mention seeing Claire in the Magical Cabin.
“And once they get here, none of these questions will matter anymore.” Oh happy, happy day …
“How do I save the Island?”
Christen smiles. Claire smiles too … but it’s in a vaguely evil kind of way … I’m worried. Very worried indeed.
Outside, in awkward silence, Hurley shares his candy bar with a surprised, mayhap even honored, Ben. It’s a very cute scene. The two actors handle it very well.
Locke returns, very slowly, out of the darkness … I hate symbolism. I’m also really craving a candy bar …
“Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” Ben asks.
“He did.” Locke replies.
Ben snaps “Well?” (A deep hole in the ground …)
Locke pauses. “He wants us to move the Island.”
WOW.
Dun dun daaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Oh my god, next week is Part 1 of the season finale! In two weeks I’ll be tearing my hair out and screeching so loud that people in Cardiff will be able to hear me!
Next Week: Sawyer admits they ‘lost’ Claire and hands Aaron to Kate. Shots of Jin and Sun. Sayid warning people that the people on the helicopter wanna kill them all. Some people having a Mexican standoff with guns. Des on the Boat in a doorway yelling “I need you now!” and a shot of Michael looking scared. A voice saying “They’re referring to you as the Oceanic Six” and shots of … the Oceanic Six. Kate and Aaron, Hurley, Sun, Jack, and Sayid. Also a shot of Ben, looking serious, as he is wont to do.