tell me how does it feel like staying out in the rain?
I just feel so vulnerable at times. Being so dependent on other people's mood is a pain in the butt.
I know she is unsatisfied of her life, maybe at times she hates it. The only things she says to me is "I'm tired, even a one year holiday wouldn't be enough for me..." and I know too well that sad look in her eyes, and I can feel what she's feeling, and my eyes are full of tears because I know I can't do anything for her. Feeling so powerless makes me feel bad. I hate this situation.
And moreover I know that this isn't good for me. I know I should be more dependent and begin to live my OWN life, but I can't. I wonder if she realizes the effects of her mood on me, I wonder if she realizes the pain I feel when she's like that. Those half sentences, those dark eyes, that sad face...does she really think that I don't realize what she has inside?? And despite this, I know this is just not good for me. This is not good for my life, for my mood, for my self esteem. She should be able to stand up again, she's my mum, she is old enough to do it. But I can't keep on feeling heart-broken everytime something happens to her. I love her, but I can't spoil my hole life like this just like I've been doing all these year. I've always been worried about other people and almost never worried about me. Now it's time for a change if I don't want to become crazy. And I have to stay away from here, at least for a while.
And luckily I do have this opportunity. A whole year in England. It's a job as an italian language assistant in the uk provided by the European Community. I'm applying tomorrow. I can choose the university and the town ( even Lodon is available ) but really it doesn't matter. I just wanna go, it doesn't matter where they send me. I want it and I NEED it right now.
I know she is unsatisfied of her life, maybe at times she hates it. The only things she says to me is "I'm tired, even a one year holiday wouldn't be enough for me..." and I know too well that sad look in her eyes, and I can feel what she's feeling, and my eyes are full of tears because I know I can't do anything for her. Feeling so powerless makes me feel bad. I hate this situation.
And moreover I know that this isn't good for me. I know I should be more dependent and begin to live my OWN life, but I can't. I wonder if she realizes the effects of her mood on me, I wonder if she realizes the pain I feel when she's like that. Those half sentences, those dark eyes, that sad face...does she really think that I don't realize what she has inside?? And despite this, I know this is just not good for me. This is not good for my life, for my mood, for my self esteem. She should be able to stand up again, she's my mum, she is old enough to do it. But I can't keep on feeling heart-broken everytime something happens to her. I love her, but I can't spoil my hole life like this just like I've been doing all these year. I've always been worried about other people and almost never worried about me. Now it's time for a change if I don't want to become crazy. And I have to stay away from here, at least for a while.
And luckily I do have this opportunity. A whole year in England. It's a job as an italian language assistant in the uk provided by the European Community. I'm applying tomorrow. I can choose the university and the town ( even Lodon is available ) but really it doesn't matter. I just wanna go, it doesn't matter where they send me. I want it and I NEED it right now.