who the hell would settle down with me?
I've thinking a lot lately about... marriage. And excuse my crass language - its usually how I deal with these things.
I don't know if its because I'm getting closer and closer to twenty when things with people get 'serious' and let me express one thing - I have been in one single relationship (I'm counting it as a relationship even though he was in England and I was here because I actually loved him) in my entire life. I have kissed one boy on the lips (by accident) and I have not had honest-to-god sex.
I don't know the guy mentality about coming up to someone who is a virgin in all possible ways with a personality like mine. His reactions (attracted by the idea of my cherry or repelled by my lack of elite skills) - oh wait I think this is just my insecurities talking.
I keep thinking of guys my age and how they exasperate and annoy me. How I look at older men and actually feel interest. Must be the crazy, frustrated single woman in me actually paying attention. I wish you just knew who your soul mate was - yes, I believe in that stuff.
I keep thinking about meeting a great guy, kissing him and having little to no idea on what to do. (Well, I sort of do. Haha, movies.)
I keep thinking about being a relationship and just... blanking out from lack of reference. I'm not going to use any relationship I know now (with the exception of Kim and Carlos and Brittany and Miles) as a sort of... guidance tool.
All the relationships I see disintegrate horribly and all I think about is how I don't want that to happen with someone I really love. Well, first I have to have someone I really love. Where am I going to find a person, a man that can semi-understand my mind and keep up with... me in general? There are my insecurities again. I really feel like I need to take off - I don't like living here. This culture is awful and that's why I'm pinning on Europe for me to go to - France, hopefully.
I keep thinking about being married - living one day after the other with that one person, talking, laughing, smiling and then having a kid - the pain of labor and the task of being a mother to a baby, a five year old and later on a teenager... and at twenty, I can feel it moving closer like some kind of huge motherfucking mountain. Not in a bad way - but in the way you feel when you're about to do something so exciting you've never done before and the day you do it is getting closer and closer.
My distraction this great and amazing truth? Assassin's Creed 2. Its temporary - don't worry, I'll face it head on when November 26th gets here and I'm suddenly twenty years old.
As for my twenty first birthday - I will not go to a bar, a club and get hammered out of my mind. I vowed not to drink anything beyond a glass of wine on special occasions... or if I go to France an adopt the red wine habit they seem to have.
The concept of marriage is just so huge, I can't think about it without stopping and day dreaming. I see myself with a doctor - oh, speaking of doctors and marriage - mom and I talked about it.
She said, "If you marry anyone with less than a Doctorate, I will not be at your wedding."
Jokingly, of course, but I saw the message and I agreed.
I need to stop thinking about this.
I wrote more... but on my blog.
I don't know if its because I'm getting closer and closer to twenty when things with people get 'serious' and let me express one thing - I have been in one single relationship (I'm counting it as a relationship even though he was in England and I was here because I actually loved him) in my entire life. I have kissed one boy on the lips (by accident) and I have not had honest-to-god sex.
I don't know the guy mentality about coming up to someone who is a virgin in all possible ways with a personality like mine. His reactions (attracted by the idea of my cherry or repelled by my lack of elite skills) - oh wait I think this is just my insecurities talking.
I keep thinking of guys my age and how they exasperate and annoy me. How I look at older men and actually feel interest. Must be the crazy, frustrated single woman in me actually paying attention. I wish you just knew who your soul mate was - yes, I believe in that stuff.
I keep thinking about meeting a great guy, kissing him and having little to no idea on what to do. (Well, I sort of do. Haha, movies.)
I keep thinking about being a relationship and just... blanking out from lack of reference. I'm not going to use any relationship I know now (with the exception of Kim and Carlos and Brittany and Miles) as a sort of... guidance tool.
All the relationships I see disintegrate horribly and all I think about is how I don't want that to happen with someone I really love. Well, first I have to have someone I really love. Where am I going to find a person, a man that can semi-understand my mind and keep up with... me in general? There are my insecurities again. I really feel like I need to take off - I don't like living here. This culture is awful and that's why I'm pinning on Europe for me to go to - France, hopefully.
I keep thinking about being married - living one day after the other with that one person, talking, laughing, smiling and then having a kid - the pain of labor and the task of being a mother to a baby, a five year old and later on a teenager... and at twenty, I can feel it moving closer like some kind of huge motherfucking mountain. Not in a bad way - but in the way you feel when you're about to do something so exciting you've never done before and the day you do it is getting closer and closer.
My distraction this great and amazing truth? Assassin's Creed 2. Its temporary - don't worry, I'll face it head on when November 26th gets here and I'm suddenly twenty years old.
As for my twenty first birthday - I will not go to a bar, a club and get hammered out of my mind. I vowed not to drink anything beyond a glass of wine on special occasions... or if I go to France an adopt the red wine habit they seem to have.
The concept of marriage is just so huge, I can't think about it without stopping and day dreaming. I see myself with a doctor - oh, speaking of doctors and marriage - mom and I talked about it.
She said, "If you marry anyone with less than a Doctorate, I will not be at your wedding."
Jokingly, of course, but I saw the message and I agreed.
I need to stop thinking about this.
I wrote more... but on my blog.