Good advice...hard pill to swallow...at first...it's for a good reason.
MARRIAGE ROLES IN BIBLICAL BALANCE
by
Wendell E. Miller
God's will is for Christians to esteem His entire Word, and to both understand it and obey it in biblical balance. However, all too often Christians fail either to understand biblical balance in marriage roles or to be willing to obey God.
God has given five basic principles for marriage that are to be obeyed, not because a husband or wife "feels like it," and not because the other person "deserves it," but because God commands obedience.
Practicing God's five principles for marriage means obeying God, loving God, and trusting God whether or not it is easy or "feels good."
A first one of these five biblical principles is given in Ephesians 5:22-24. God says that wives are to submit themselves to their own husbands "as unto the Lord," and they are to be subject to their husbands "in every thing."
If this one truth is accepted and practiced in a marriage, and an equally important truth is misunderstood, ignored, or rebelled against, that marriage falls short of God's will.
A second biblical truth is: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it" (Eph. 5:25).
To understand God's command that husbands love their wives, we must recognize that the word translated "love" is "agape."
Inserting the meaning of "agape," we paraphrase: "Husbands, each of you must dedicate yourself to your wife and to her good. You must purpose and do those things that are best for her, whether you like her or not, no matter how she treats you, even if it kills you, just as Christ dedicated Himself to the church and gave His life for it" (Eph. 5:25).
We can find further light on the husband's role in marriage by considering the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians. As we read "charity" or "love" we need to understand that God is speaking of "agape" love.
Agape love does not seek its own--it is not selfish (1 Cor. 13:5). Instead, agape love is directed toward the good of the other person. Therefore, for a husband to love his wife in accordance with God's command in Ephesians 5:25, he must unselfishly dedicate himself to doing what is best for his wife.
Agape love is not puffed up--it is not proud (1 Cor. 13:4). A husband is not loving his wife as God has commanded him to do if he is so proud that he will not let his wife have a thought or an opinion that does not agree with his.
By commanding that the wife submit to her husband, God has placed on husbands the responsibility for all decisions.
Let's put the husband's leadership and the wife's submission in biblical balance:
1. God has given the husband the leadership role for the good of his wife, not as an excuse for him to be proud or selfish, and not as an excuse to treat her as a servant.
Some husbands do not seem to understand that yelling for food or beverage service while they are watching a sports event on TV and while their wives are scrubbing the kitchen floors on their hands and knees does not reflect biblical truth in balance.
2. God has not said the husband must, or should, make all decisions in his family. If a husband wants to please God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he will delegate some decision making to her--she has brains too.
3. God has not said that the husband must make decisions without obtaining input from his wife--she has brains, too.
4. God has not said that the husband must make decisions according to his wishes, nor even according to his wisdom. Instead he must make decisions that are best for his wife.
If the husband is not proud, he will not think that he is always right--his wife has brains, too. If the husband is not proud, he will seek her input before making decisions-- she has brains, too.
If the husband is not selfish, he will not want his way, but instead will desire to please his wife.
God has not made him the leader in the family to feed his ego, or to satisfy his selfishness, but for her good.
5. If husband and wife disagree, if he is not proud, and if he is not selfish, he will be willing to go along with her ideas and her desires--unless it would hurt her or someone else spiritually, emotionally, or physically, or unless what she wants is prohibitively expensive.
6. However, again keeping biblical truth in balance, if she is not proud, and if she is not selfish, she will not think that she is always right, and she will not want her way.
7. If the wife considers the leadership role that God has given her husband, she will recognize that God wants to give her husband the insight and wisdom that he needs to lead the family--she will look to her husband for leadership.
8. Obeying God and loving his wife with agape love includes the husband assuming his God-given responsibilities and shielding his wife from emotional and physical loads that are too heavy for her.
9. If a husband understands God's Word in biblical balance, if he loves God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he will not abdicate his God-given responsibilities to his wife, nor for rearing their children.
This far we have considered two biblical principles that God has given for marriage.
God has given the third and fourth principles of marriage in the first epistle of Peter. God says that husbands must live with their wives (3) "according to knowledge," (4) giving [them] honor" (1 Peter 3:7).
Living with wives "according to knowledge" is much more than treating them with consideration. Living with wives according to knowledge includes: a) creating an atmosphere in which, in absolute trust, they will reveal their thoughts and feelings; b) gaining understanding through listening; and c) doing what is best for them in accordance with knowledge.
If the husband wants to obey God, please Him, and show God that he loves Him, he will treat his wife with respect because God commands it. Treating wives with respect rules out jesting that degrades them personally, degrades wives or women in general, and/or that degrades marriage (an institution ordained of God).
The fifth biblical principle is: God commands wives to honor ["reverence" KJV] their husbands (Eph. 4:31).
Even though some translations of the Scriptures may give the erroneous idea that wives should have respect for their husbands, God does not command wives to respect their husbands, nor does He command husbands to respect their wives.
Respect must be earned. In all too many marriages, it is impossible for the wife to respect her husband, and in other marriages it is impossible for the husband to respect his wife.
Instead of commanding respect, God commands treating with respect. To honor means to treat with respect.
If the wife wants to obey God, please Him, and show God that she loves Him, she will treat her husband with respect, even if she is unable to respect him as a person, or respect his judgment.
How do these five principles relate to "being one?" Too often, when "two become one," there is a power-struggle to determine which "one" they will become. Will they become him? Or her?
Instead of a selfish and prideful fight for power, they should become "one" in their desire to please god, in their desire to serve Him, in their desire to fulfill their respective roles in marriage, and in their desire to help each other become more and more Christ-like.
Marriage can be likened to two trees. The husband should be like the oak tree. He is to be stronger, and he is to protect his wife from the winter winds. She is to be like the apple tree, not as strong but with a godly beauty, usefulness, and fragrance.
If two trees are too close together, they do not have limbs all of the way around. If a husband loves his wife biblically, he will give her opportunity, space, and encouragement to develop "limbs all of the way around."
If a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it, he will allow her, give her opportunity, and encourage her, to develop as a godly and competent woman in the home, in the church, and in the community.
Proverbs 31:10-31 speaks of the wife of many virtues. This woman heard of a field that was for sale, she considered its worth, and she bought it (vs. 16). God commended this wife. What about the husband? Since God was pleased with her, she had not done this contrary to her husband's will. Instead, we can assume that he was encouraging her, and God was pleased with him, too.
There is a message for husbands. We read that "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land" (verse 23). Apparently, her reputation, and his reputation for his wisdom in using her skills and talents, had led him to a place of leadership in the community--he sat at the gate as one of the rulers.
If a man is wise, he will take his wife as a full partner and help her develop her talents. If he really loves her, as opposed to considering her as a possession to serve his every desire, he will dedicate himself to helping her develop as a godly woman.
Wives submit? If a husband is loving her as God intends him to love her, he will be so unselfishly and humbly dedicated to her good, and so considerate of God's will for her as well as her wishes, desires, and opinions, that she will hardly realize that she is in submission.
This is the beauty of biblical roles in marriage. If biblical truth is held in balance and practiced, the husband will be dedicated to doing good for her, and she will gratefully let him lead.
December 12
Finished with the bridesmaid gift order…the kindness of my coworkers in helping me brainstorm and sharing money-saving wedding tips has been amazing. One lady even offered me her pearls as my something borrowed. The bookfair came to work…I almost bought a book about quilting, but talked myself out of it. Another lady bought the same book, so it’s neat to talk quilting and crafts with coworkers. I looked at some more apartment listings…I’m spoiled for not having moved since 2001, but I’m looking forward to decorating. Maybe I should just buy a condo instead of renting next year. I had a long to-do list for when I got home, but after baking the sweet potato fries (came out yummy), washing the dishes, practicing, and random other things…I still didn’t recycle, wash the last quilt I made or get to the ATM, but you can’t win them all. Buttered pumpernickel and rye swirl bread with butter is so amazing.
December 13
Kat’s concert tonight…dance is tomorrow night. I’m really worn out, but seeing the bands play will really be worth it. Today I played with a few of my musical coworkers for the Christmas luncheon and everybody loved it! I forgot how much fun it is to share the gift of music with people. I have to say that I got a little Christmas cheer J One of my coworkers had the bright idea to slip out and shop for an hour since everyone would be eating and we hadn’t paid to eat at the luncheon…I bought the cutest green dress at Express that she had told me about weeks ago. I have been looking for a green dress for about a year (I’m gonna wear it to work with my black boots and to dinner, too!) so $38 was a little splurge for my Christmas gift. It made me feel a little better, so I’m worth it. She bought the same dress for her daughter in another size. We had a nice time. I got so many funny emails today from coworkers and so many compliments about the music…the musicians sent funny emails about us becoming the next great band and getting together to do this at more work functions. There are just so many talented people working here…I share so many random interests with them. I showed some photos of the quilts to a couple of people and they are excited…maybe my New Year’s resolution will be to start my portfolio and website. My stress really gets converted into some positive things sometimes and makes me sick other times, so I should make more stuff! I’m looking forward to dinner with Bert tomorrow night…we haven’t been to dinner since…I don’t even remember…it’ll be good to hang out a bit without talking shop too much.
December 14
“Maintain a balance of spiritual, mental, and physical activities in life-each is important.”
“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.” -Robert Louis Stevenson
Is it frequent that we fail to come forth to explain, defend, or offer support? Remaining silent is always our option, no matter how grave the situation. Holding back information that would ease another’s pain or shed light on a hateful experience is cruel. The effects of cruel acts will find their way back to the actor. The axiom, “As we sow so shall we reap,” is true.
Perhaps we need reminding that our performance is unique and essential to those around us. Together we move forward, in concert. When any one of us falters or misses a cue, another of us will likely miss one, too.
We’re alive to honor one another’s presence, and only when we’re fully present, honest, and straightforward are we fulfilling our role.
Happy birthday, Alabama!
The concert last night was fun. I saw an old classmate of mine and barely recognized her…I forget that people’s appearances changes over time! I said, “It’s been forever, hasn’t it?” She said, “Yeah, seven years!” I said, “We’re getting old!” One of the parents looked us both up and down and said, “Old? It looks like you have quite a few more years before you can say that!” I remembered to bring Bert’s mom her belated birthday gift…another City Fest purchase (I can’t wait to go again next year). Sitting with him at cultural events is always wonderful…he can be critical of other musicians, because he’s very astute when it comes to performances. We talked about joining the Arts Association, becoming museum patrons, joining the Alumni Association and buying season tickets to cultural events. Looking at him last night, I could only think of the most wonderful thoughts of how we could enjoy our lives together. I love that he has the same passion for arts that I do, while managing avoiding the artsy metrosexual stereotype. The bands are always amazing, though it seems that the earlier semester start for the schools give the beginners an edge for the Christmas concert that we didn’t have in earlier years…they sound much better!!! I stayed for about half of the performances, then left to have some extra rest…I was in need of some extra zzzzsssss.
Unfortunately, I can’t join my coworkers in the lunchtime excursion to Hobby Lobby for need of being an adult and attending to my finances. That CD matures and I need to reinvest those funds at a more rewarding rate…at another bank!!! I just hope the bank I’m in doesn’t get robbed today. Going anywhere in this city just terrifies me, at the rate people get robbed here.
I’ve gotten the most compliments on my outfit today…new green dress, tall black boots, turquoise jewelry from City Fest…yes, I’m rocking this today and I have to admit that I feel a little better today despite the fact that I went to sleep with a heating pad wrapped around my right ankle and a brace on my right wrist to alleviate the pain and prevent further injury in the night. The chest pains are back today. It’s times like these that I can’t help but wonder, “Am I past it? Have I aged past my peak without knowing it? Is this the best I’ll ever feel? Is this the best I’ll ever look? Is this the smartest I’ll ever be? How bad will my eyesight get?” Will I be in pain for the rest of my life? I hope not, I’d like to think that there are decades more of enjoyable life left in these bones of mine!
I want not only to be able to have children, but to chase after them and be where ever they need me. I want to climb mountains with my husband and break boards with my feet. I want to make quilts and clothes for my family to pass down and furniture with my bear hands. I want to play music for hours, camp on the bear ground under the stars, trace my roots across the Atlantic and publish it, shoot guns like a pro, dig for treasures in mines, start a business, jump out of a plane, read thousands of books, plant and cultivate a garden from scratch, make a real difference in the world, excavate lost civilizations, swim with dolphins, learn more languages, sing jazz sprawled across a grand piano in a silk dress, paint a masterpiece, photograph something nobody else has, buy a horse and learn to ride it, dance the night away in Spain and walk miles on other continents. I want it all and will settle for nothing less than taking over the world, no matter what limitations my body may pose.
I will do it all. One day at a time. Today, I will walk, laugh with my coworkers, drink water, eat healthy foods, do my work and get paid, make investments and budget, buy my mother’s dress for the wedding, plan my projects, drive the carpool, have a beautiful dinner date with Bert, and rest-hopefully have a good night’s sleep.