Ardhanarishvara Part Twenty-Eight
Parts 1-20
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
~*~
They zip out of the stargate and into orbit over The Planet That Isn't There (Only It Really Is). Sheppard radios Hermea Control, talks to Gean, and they head for their regular landing pad, one, two, three, so routine now that Rodney could pilot them down. Not that he wants to (or that Sheppard will ever let him). Jari greets them with a floater car, just as always. Rodney starts babbling the minute they step into it and can't make himself stop. Nerves. They're so close to the end, and he's just waiting for disaster to smite them the way it always does. He's anxious, and, when he's (not inappropriately) nervous, he either talks or eats. No one's offered him a buffet, yet.
He's sweating by the time they reach the clinic where they'll see their respective counselors and must look bad, too, because Sheppard gives him a sharp look that inexplicably turns soft, almost concerned.
"You okay?"
"Of course, of course, this is just...." And then he doesn't even know what to say, as if he spilled all his words, and now there are none left.
Sheppard gives him that quirky, almost smug smile that always makes Rodney grit his teeth, only this time he realizes that the smirk, the flirting, the teasing are all Sheppard's way of dealing with a bout of nerves on par with Rodney's panic attack.
"Yeah," she says.
"John? Rodney?" Teyla calls back to them, making Rodney realize the two of them have stopped halfway to the clinic doors. Teyla and Ronon are waiting.
"We're coming," Sheppard says.
"It's going to be okay, isn't it?" Rodney asks plaintively.
A moment's pause. "I sure hope so," Sheppard says. Slowly, like a prayer.
Which really isn't much of a comfort, but Sheppard takes his hand and tugs him up the steps and then holds on. If Rodney's palm is a little sweaty...well, so is Sheppard's.
Rodney tightens his hand briefly when he sees the four counselors waiting inside. They're talking to each other, and his paranoia insists it is no doubt about them, but before he can open his mouth and throw a fit, Sheppard squeezes his hand in warning.
Right. They just want to get through this. Then, it's meet and greet and the whole social small talk scene he hates, but Rodney goes through with it for the rest of the team.
Of course, when he shakes them, Beon, Farl, Deln, and Zeah's hands are perfectly dry, manicured, and exert just the right amount of pressure. Rodney looks down in dismay at his own blunt-bitten nails and sighs in what he hopes is an inaudible manner.
It's gonna be a long day of final sessions. He hopes they'll get to the actual technology transfer and Gestalt before it's over. Otherwise, they'll have to stay for a second day, and his nerves are already shot. Any more delays and he may start gibbering.
The rest of the team have to be in worse shape than him, too, even if they aren't showing it.
~*~
Teyla knows that, since this is their last session, it will last longer than previous ones, but she never anticipated three hours. She's sweating and doesn't like it. Also, she hates the way this male body smells when it sweats. It's so much harsher than she remembers her own scent. Beon has quizzed her on every single detail of her experiences over the last six months, pushing the limits of what Teyla is willing to reveal, all to decide if she is ready for Gestalt. If she could, she would happily tell him to mind his own business.
And that's another thing. How is she supposed to be comfortable with someone who is no longer the sex they began as? Beon has not even acknowledged that he is different than when Teyla last met...her. It makes Teyla very uneasy.
Beon doesn't look happy either, probably because Teyla is not making this any less difficult.
"I do not know what else to tell you," Teyla snaps, finally.
"I feel as though this experience has failed you, Teyla."
Teyla shakes her head. "I have learned much about myself and my own attitudes. I have not enjoyed this, but the harm has not been through Hermea's faults."
"Nonetheless."
Teyla stands. "I admit I am eager, even more than Colonel Sheppard, to return to myself as I was before. I believe we are done." Let them be done. She wishes to be finished with this probing of her personal feelings.
Beon sighs and nods, stapling her fingers. "I believe you are ready. When we began, many became part of the Gestalt without benefit of Completion, and there are many, even now, who never shift again after gaining citizenship. It is not necessary that you accept it as a good thing, only that you accept what you have learned from it."
"Like your youth, you mean?" Teyla says, perhaps a bit sharper than intended.
That did not miss the mark. Beon looks up, her lips narrowing. "Many of them are...malcontent, don't understand the world yet." She adds, "They look to anything that is mandatory to rebel against."
Teyla squares her shoulders. "Completion is not anything, though, by your own admission. By standing up against it, they recognize faults within its present idea."
"Yet, their objections come from a very different reasoning than yours, Teyla Emmagan. And they have, for now, relented. Put the signs down and gone back to their schools."
Teyla takes a deep breath, has to. This does not come as a surprise, but what does is her own reaction. They are the children of another people, but Teyla remembers their cries in the streets, their angry, helpless defiance. She's seen such before, though not on the faces of sheltered children like these. "What other choice do they have?" "
Beon frowns. "They object not to Completion itself but compulsion, despite the fact they are not actually compelled. Do your people not have coming of age rituals? Tests of maturity? Because every youth can refrain from undergoing Completion."
"At the price of not being accepted as an adult in society. That is not a choice, Beon."
"It is," Beon says gently. "Merely an unpleasant one. But it is not permanent. They can change their minds." He smiles at her wryly. "And most of them do, by the time they are twenty or so."
Teyla leans forward. "I have no trouble believing that. Only they would have wanted to count, be counted, without force. Have you ever thought, Beon, that your youth, knowing of the meaning and necessity of the cloak, would chose to undergo Completion freely?"
"They do," Beon states. "No one is marched into a Clinic in chains, Teyla."
Teyla grits her teeth. "They are compelled by your society -"
"And does your society not compel your people to perform certain duties?" Beon draws in a deep breath. "Do you not sacrifice some freedoms for the greater good?" Beon's voice gentles, but Teyla can still feel her heart beating faster in that still-unfamiliar chest. "Have you not chosen to refrain from having a child in order to fight the Wraith, despite what you would want in a perfect world?"
That... Teyla takes a breath, remembers that these, too, are people versed in minds and souls. "I have, but unlike your children, I could exercise my free will. And, very much like your children, Beon, it is a hard choice to bear for me."
Beon tilts her head. "I do not, myself, believe that Completion is such an terrible sacrifice. Or a sacrifice at all. It's an opportunity. But for those that do, then they must choose, the sacrifice of their ignorance, their windowless walls, in exchange for the privilege and responsibility of adulthood. That is what adulthood is: responsibility."
She feels anger rise, slowly but surely. "All my life, I have chosen responsibility without being forced. As has almost everybody among my people."
"Perhaps. But if young people have the option to say no without consequence, then they will without thought; they may very well regret it later on."
"But that is what choice is, isn't it? The ability to make mistakes. Even great ones, even those that bring harm upon your whole people."
"But they can always, forever, say no. The scales are weighted, but for good reason: Anything else would effectively deny them the experience and gain of Completion." Beon does not look away. "Just because one of the options has consequences does not mean there is no choice."
"It seems our definitions of choice vary."
There is a long pause, and an almost helpless expression on Beon's face. "Teyla. You cannot judge our entire society by your standards, any more than we should tell the Athosians that they must all undergo Completion," she says finally.
She hesitates. How many times has she remonstrated with John or Rodney for trying to impose their ideas of right and wrong on another world's ways? How easy that was when those ways did not clash with her own deepest beliefs. The two of them have been, she realizes, far more tolerant of her than she has ever credited them for.
And yet, there is one thing she remembers quite clearly, where Beon's actions belied his lofty words. "This Athosian had to undergo Completion without her consent or even knowledge, Beon. That I now have no choice at all does not make it easier. It makes it almost unbearable."
She does look uncomfortable at that, for a brief moment. "That was a misunderstanding. We believed you had agreed; there, that is the price: ignorance, don't you see? Not an error that our children could fall prey to." Beon looks at her beseechingly. "And Teyla, you'll get your choice back. Right after you've experienced what Completion is for, what it means." He takes a deep breath. "I wish you luck and a joyous Gestalt, Teyla Emmagan."
"And I thank you for your wish, Beon of Hermea," Teyla tell him.
She nods formally and heads for the door. There, she pauses and looks back, a smile slipping past her anger and bitterness. "I have learned something from this experience. That said, once I am a woman once more, the first thing I intend is to do, as Rodney would say, is 'get laid'." With a very pleased smile at the wide eyes that elicits, Teyla leaves to rejoin the rest of the team.
When she does take someone to her bed again, she thinks to herself, she will make a point to show Captain Leitmann exactly what he'd missed out on.
That thought makes her smile even wider.
~*~
"Colonel Sheppard. It's good to see you again." Zeah's smile is genuine. Even her scarves seem happy, bright and friendly in their yellow and pink.
Sheppard wonders what to say to a mandatory shrink in such situations.
"Yeah, uh, likewise." She gingerly sits down in the indicated chair. It's the same spot she first occupied months ago, and then on every visit since. Warm light is filtering through the generous windows through what probably isn't glass, according to Rodney.
Surprisingly, Zeah doesn't start poking and prodding, just keeps smiling the kind of smile Sheppard associates with aunts and kind female neighbors who bring pie. Since there's no pie here, Sheppard's getting a little antsy. Aren't shrinks are supposed to start the conversation and only then listen?
Sheppard shifts in her seat. She can tease Rodney by not saying anything, she enjoys being quiet and just, well, being around Ronon or Teyla, and she's never liked drawing out personal talks, least of all those she never wanted to have in the first place. She just wants to be out of here, get it all over with. That sends a jolt of heat through her, the thought of being a guy again. Not that she hates this body - it's hers - but it will never match with who she is in her own head, never mesh with all the memories she has until six months ago. She clears her throat. "Well, if there isn't anything to talk about...." She adds a hopeful one-shoulder shrug toward the door.
Another smile on Zeah's face. This one has a definite I Don't Think So, Young Man edge. "Is there nothing at all to talk about, Colonel Sheppard?"
She frowns and lets herself sink further into the body-shaped seat. "Well, there have been missions. And more." Another glance at Zeah, but of course, she's looking interested.
"By more, you mean problems?"
Sheppard gives a quiet sigh. Gives up. "Guess I do. You remember Heka?"
"Yes, I do." Zeah's expression turns serious. "What happened after you returned to Atlantis?"
"Kind of a lot." She gives Zeah a quick run-down and feels weirdly gratified to see the woman's expression turn serious, her expression shifting into what looks like true concern on her behalf. It bothers Sheppard because she doesn't particularly care to re-hash the clusterfuck that was Operation Rescue Heka, Only Not.
The other topic of interest to a shrink isn't any better. Also, I'm having sex with Rodney McKay. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming.
It's not like she herself did expect it, after all. A woman, maybe, off-world, because it seems that sort of thing just happens. Though not in the near future, of that Sheppard is pretty sure. Rodney's going to be a possessive prick, whichever genitalia she's sporting. Hell, he was before they ever started fucking. But she has to confess, if only to herself, that Rodney wasn't all alone with that attitude. The thing with Norena: okay, it's possible this thing isn't all that new. Sheppard never liked Allina, either, even before the whole thing with the ZPM. Jesus, that far back....
She closes her eyes for a second.
"Colonel Sheppard? Are you well?"
"Yeah." She takes a quick breath and gives Zeah a reassuring smile. "It's just been a pretty rough ride, you know?"
Not that it's just the past. The future looks rocky, too. Sheppard doesn't want to end it, this Thing With Rodney, but it's not like that means it'll work out. It's not just the two of them being really sort of bad at interpersonal stuff: She likes, no, scratch that, loves being a pilot in the Air Force. Sometimes, she still grins when she sees the insignia of a colonel flashing by in a mirror. Some of the people who might have guessed she and Rodney are together may not be so accepting after things return to what passes for normal in Atlantis. They'll have to be so careful it will hurt. She's not sure Rodney can manage that, long term. She doesn't know if she can, either.
"You're not merely talking about your missions and the decisions with respect to them, Colonel."
Sheppard looks up; the befuddled expression comes naturally. It hasn't ever worked on Kate, though, and it doesn't seem to work on Zeah.
"I didn't think so." Her eyes soften. "But I cannot force you to open up, of course."
Hey. She's open. In some places. "I did tell you all about jer...masturbating," she drawls.
"Indeed you did." A matter-of-fact nod. "But I'm thinking that for you, the physical aspects of Completion aren't the hard part."
Yeah, definitely trying to talk about emotions. "I'm good with this body, and not like Teyla."
That comes out a bit too petulant. She shouldn't be happy about adapting better than Teyla, but, well, there it is. She wants to go back to being a guy, but it's not like the thought of staying a woman is horrifying or depressing. Of course, she knew what she was getting into...and that's an advantage Teyla didn't have. It's still pleasing to end up doing better at something than Teyla.
Zeah studies her. Then she puts down her little silver pen. "I believe you; I thought as much when you entered. But there's another reason for you being so comfortable in this body, isn't there?"
Busted. She worries her lower lip with her teeth and sneaks a glance at Zeah. They both know they're pussyfooting around something. Sheppard makes the decision. "I'm having sex with Rodney McKay." She does swallow the second part of her earlier thought.
No smugness from Zeah for getting her to spill the beans. Good, because Sheppard would just start bullshitting her. Still, the lack of surprise is just a little weird. "I see." Zeah does seem to; her eyes are bright, knowing. "Let us omit the physical part, then, and get to what we...shrinks specialize in."
Sheppard's built-in mulish defense mechanism wavers. It's a vaguely maternal kind of humor, but it's ironic enough, and, besides, this is the Pegasus galaxy: You have to make do with what you get. "How I feel about it? I'm not so sure."
Zeah taps her silver stylus against her chin, thoughtful. "Not so sure about what you feel, or not so sure about how you should feel?"
Huh. "Both?" she ventures, only to be met with a dubious head-tilt. Fine. "He's an overbearing ass half the time, but it's good; we're good together." There. "Happy?" She smirks, a little mockingly.
"I don't know; are you?"
Sheppard feels her smirk falter. It's a weird question, and then again, it's amazingly easy to answer. Or just plain amazing, maybe. "At this point, yeah." She ducks her head, hating the way her ears have to have gone red. She's not going to miss the way she blushes more easily as a woman. She's not even sure why she's blushing. It's the truth, but maybe that's it: it's almost embarrassing to say she's happy. More than a little scary too, as though admitting it will be a jinx.
"But when you return to your previous gender?" Zeah frowns, and for a fleeting second, her eyes are distant, not focused on Sheppard. It's unsettling and oddly comforting at once. "What happens then?"
Good question. Really good question, in fact. "I'll still feel the same."
At that, Zeah actually smiles a wry little smile. "Do you think you will you act the same?"
Sheppard thinks that's not quite it. It more that. "No. Some people won't accept it." She doesn't remember if she explained the whole institutionalized homophobia deal to the Hermeans before; might be better if she doesn't. Atlantis has to come across as backward to these people, already.
To her surprise, Zeah leans back and steeples her fingers. "Is it just that? Understand, first, that we haven't forgotten what discrimination is, Colonel Sheppard. Completion and the changes that come with it are only the last, final stretch of a long road."
"Well, lucky you." She runs a hand through her hair. "I'm a member of the military. I'm not - Well, when I'm a guy again, I can't be with a guy."
"As I understand it," Zeah observes with that knowing look, again, "you're not permitted to by certain rules." She lowers her voice. "I'm not all that interested in your military's attitudes, Colonel, I'm interested in what you feel."
Sheppard takes a deep breath. The urge to smile and say something light, easy, and ultimately meaningless is strong. She can't get away with that with Zeah, though. "Well, it's just...I was never gay."
Zeah just looks at her.
Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard sure hadn't felt anything gay for Rodney. Except maybe he just hadn't let himself; maybe she is still lying to herself and he had. Damn it. The thing is, the thing with Rodney has always been kinda gay. "We were - we are friends." John hesitates, staring past Zeah at the window. "Not that I actually thought about it all, really, before, uh, this."
"And now?" Zeah prompts.
Sheppard bites her lip. "Now, I don't know. I guess I have these...uh, I like Rodney."
"Like?"
Sheppard squirms. "Like, like him. You're the shrink."
"Fine. You have strong feelings for Rodney and you've had them for a while. What about Completion?"
"What about it?"
"What if Rodney had undergone it? How would you feel then?"
Okay, this is why she hates shrinks. They give her headaches. Completion changed everything...except when she thinks about it, it didn't. Nothing much changed between them. Except for the sex, which was definitely a plus. Maybe it opened their eyes, but that's all. In the end?
"It doesn't seem to matter which body I'm in. Hell, I'm almost sure it wouldn't matter which body Rodney was in."
Too hard to look Zeah in the eyes, because sometimes, now, she wonders if she wants to be with Rodney because he's a guy.
"I wouldn't mind if it happened, but I don't really want Rodney turned into a woman. And I mean, I'm a man." She has to force the last words out now that she's faced it. "If that's not a little gay, what is?"
The next breath she takes is suddenly easy. So what if it is? she thinks, and it's an amazing relief. It doesn't matter.
"I don't know, Colonel. But the question still is: Would you still want Rodney if he were to experience Completion?"
That's just stupid. Sheppard glares at her. "Of course I would." She frowns. It would be weird for a day or two, but she'd get over it. "It'd still be Rodney."
She feels a smile spread over her face, slow but wide.
It'd always be Rodney.
~*~
Part 29
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
~*~
They zip out of the stargate and into orbit over The Planet That Isn't There (Only It Really Is). Sheppard radios Hermea Control, talks to Gean, and they head for their regular landing pad, one, two, three, so routine now that Rodney could pilot them down. Not that he wants to (or that Sheppard will ever let him). Jari greets them with a floater car, just as always. Rodney starts babbling the minute they step into it and can't make himself stop. Nerves. They're so close to the end, and he's just waiting for disaster to smite them the way it always does. He's anxious, and, when he's (not inappropriately) nervous, he either talks or eats. No one's offered him a buffet, yet.
He's sweating by the time they reach the clinic where they'll see their respective counselors and must look bad, too, because Sheppard gives him a sharp look that inexplicably turns soft, almost concerned.
"You okay?"
"Of course, of course, this is just...." And then he doesn't even know what to say, as if he spilled all his words, and now there are none left.
Sheppard gives him that quirky, almost smug smile that always makes Rodney grit his teeth, only this time he realizes that the smirk, the flirting, the teasing are all Sheppard's way of dealing with a bout of nerves on par with Rodney's panic attack.
"Yeah," she says.
"John? Rodney?" Teyla calls back to them, making Rodney realize the two of them have stopped halfway to the clinic doors. Teyla and Ronon are waiting.
"We're coming," Sheppard says.
"It's going to be okay, isn't it?" Rodney asks plaintively.
A moment's pause. "I sure hope so," Sheppard says. Slowly, like a prayer.
Which really isn't much of a comfort, but Sheppard takes his hand and tugs him up the steps and then holds on. If Rodney's palm is a little sweaty...well, so is Sheppard's.
Rodney tightens his hand briefly when he sees the four counselors waiting inside. They're talking to each other, and his paranoia insists it is no doubt about them, but before he can open his mouth and throw a fit, Sheppard squeezes his hand in warning.
Right. They just want to get through this. Then, it's meet and greet and the whole social small talk scene he hates, but Rodney goes through with it for the rest of the team.
Of course, when he shakes them, Beon, Farl, Deln, and Zeah's hands are perfectly dry, manicured, and exert just the right amount of pressure. Rodney looks down in dismay at his own blunt-bitten nails and sighs in what he hopes is an inaudible manner.
It's gonna be a long day of final sessions. He hopes they'll get to the actual technology transfer and Gestalt before it's over. Otherwise, they'll have to stay for a second day, and his nerves are already shot. Any more delays and he may start gibbering.
The rest of the team have to be in worse shape than him, too, even if they aren't showing it.
~*~
Teyla knows that, since this is their last session, it will last longer than previous ones, but she never anticipated three hours. She's sweating and doesn't like it. Also, she hates the way this male body smells when it sweats. It's so much harsher than she remembers her own scent. Beon has quizzed her on every single detail of her experiences over the last six months, pushing the limits of what Teyla is willing to reveal, all to decide if she is ready for Gestalt. If she could, she would happily tell him to mind his own business.
And that's another thing. How is she supposed to be comfortable with someone who is no longer the sex they began as? Beon has not even acknowledged that he is different than when Teyla last met...her. It makes Teyla very uneasy.
Beon doesn't look happy either, probably because Teyla is not making this any less difficult.
"I do not know what else to tell you," Teyla snaps, finally.
"I feel as though this experience has failed you, Teyla."
Teyla shakes her head. "I have learned much about myself and my own attitudes. I have not enjoyed this, but the harm has not been through Hermea's faults."
"Nonetheless."
Teyla stands. "I admit I am eager, even more than Colonel Sheppard, to return to myself as I was before. I believe we are done." Let them be done. She wishes to be finished with this probing of her personal feelings.
Beon sighs and nods, stapling her fingers. "I believe you are ready. When we began, many became part of the Gestalt without benefit of Completion, and there are many, even now, who never shift again after gaining citizenship. It is not necessary that you accept it as a good thing, only that you accept what you have learned from it."
"Like your youth, you mean?" Teyla says, perhaps a bit sharper than intended.
That did not miss the mark. Beon looks up, her lips narrowing. "Many of them are...malcontent, don't understand the world yet." She adds, "They look to anything that is mandatory to rebel against."
Teyla squares her shoulders. "Completion is not anything, though, by your own admission. By standing up against it, they recognize faults within its present idea."
"Yet, their objections come from a very different reasoning than yours, Teyla Emmagan. And they have, for now, relented. Put the signs down and gone back to their schools."
Teyla takes a deep breath, has to. This does not come as a surprise, but what does is her own reaction. They are the children of another people, but Teyla remembers their cries in the streets, their angry, helpless defiance. She's seen such before, though not on the faces of sheltered children like these. "What other choice do they have?" "
Beon frowns. "They object not to Completion itself but compulsion, despite the fact they are not actually compelled. Do your people not have coming of age rituals? Tests of maturity? Because every youth can refrain from undergoing Completion."
"At the price of not being accepted as an adult in society. That is not a choice, Beon."
"It is," Beon says gently. "Merely an unpleasant one. But it is not permanent. They can change their minds." He smiles at her wryly. "And most of them do, by the time they are twenty or so."
Teyla leans forward. "I have no trouble believing that. Only they would have wanted to count, be counted, without force. Have you ever thought, Beon, that your youth, knowing of the meaning and necessity of the cloak, would chose to undergo Completion freely?"
"They do," Beon states. "No one is marched into a Clinic in chains, Teyla."
Teyla grits her teeth. "They are compelled by your society -"
"And does your society not compel your people to perform certain duties?" Beon draws in a deep breath. "Do you not sacrifice some freedoms for the greater good?" Beon's voice gentles, but Teyla can still feel her heart beating faster in that still-unfamiliar chest. "Have you not chosen to refrain from having a child in order to fight the Wraith, despite what you would want in a perfect world?"
That... Teyla takes a breath, remembers that these, too, are people versed in minds and souls. "I have, but unlike your children, I could exercise my free will. And, very much like your children, Beon, it is a hard choice to bear for me."
Beon tilts her head. "I do not, myself, believe that Completion is such an terrible sacrifice. Or a sacrifice at all. It's an opportunity. But for those that do, then they must choose, the sacrifice of their ignorance, their windowless walls, in exchange for the privilege and responsibility of adulthood. That is what adulthood is: responsibility."
She feels anger rise, slowly but surely. "All my life, I have chosen responsibility without being forced. As has almost everybody among my people."
"Perhaps. But if young people have the option to say no without consequence, then they will without thought; they may very well regret it later on."
"But that is what choice is, isn't it? The ability to make mistakes. Even great ones, even those that bring harm upon your whole people."
"But they can always, forever, say no. The scales are weighted, but for good reason: Anything else would effectively deny them the experience and gain of Completion." Beon does not look away. "Just because one of the options has consequences does not mean there is no choice."
"It seems our definitions of choice vary."
There is a long pause, and an almost helpless expression on Beon's face. "Teyla. You cannot judge our entire society by your standards, any more than we should tell the Athosians that they must all undergo Completion," she says finally.
She hesitates. How many times has she remonstrated with John or Rodney for trying to impose their ideas of right and wrong on another world's ways? How easy that was when those ways did not clash with her own deepest beliefs. The two of them have been, she realizes, far more tolerant of her than she has ever credited them for.
And yet, there is one thing she remembers quite clearly, where Beon's actions belied his lofty words. "This Athosian had to undergo Completion without her consent or even knowledge, Beon. That I now have no choice at all does not make it easier. It makes it almost unbearable."
She does look uncomfortable at that, for a brief moment. "That was a misunderstanding. We believed you had agreed; there, that is the price: ignorance, don't you see? Not an error that our children could fall prey to." Beon looks at her beseechingly. "And Teyla, you'll get your choice back. Right after you've experienced what Completion is for, what it means." He takes a deep breath. "I wish you luck and a joyous Gestalt, Teyla Emmagan."
"And I thank you for your wish, Beon of Hermea," Teyla tell him.
She nods formally and heads for the door. There, she pauses and looks back, a smile slipping past her anger and bitterness. "I have learned something from this experience. That said, once I am a woman once more, the first thing I intend is to do, as Rodney would say, is 'get laid'." With a very pleased smile at the wide eyes that elicits, Teyla leaves to rejoin the rest of the team.
When she does take someone to her bed again, she thinks to herself, she will make a point to show Captain Leitmann exactly what he'd missed out on.
That thought makes her smile even wider.
~*~
"Colonel Sheppard. It's good to see you again." Zeah's smile is genuine. Even her scarves seem happy, bright and friendly in their yellow and pink.
Sheppard wonders what to say to a mandatory shrink in such situations.
"Yeah, uh, likewise." She gingerly sits down in the indicated chair. It's the same spot she first occupied months ago, and then on every visit since. Warm light is filtering through the generous windows through what probably isn't glass, according to Rodney.
Surprisingly, Zeah doesn't start poking and prodding, just keeps smiling the kind of smile Sheppard associates with aunts and kind female neighbors who bring pie. Since there's no pie here, Sheppard's getting a little antsy. Aren't shrinks are supposed to start the conversation and only then listen?
Sheppard shifts in her seat. She can tease Rodney by not saying anything, she enjoys being quiet and just, well, being around Ronon or Teyla, and she's never liked drawing out personal talks, least of all those she never wanted to have in the first place. She just wants to be out of here, get it all over with. That sends a jolt of heat through her, the thought of being a guy again. Not that she hates this body - it's hers - but it will never match with who she is in her own head, never mesh with all the memories she has until six months ago. She clears her throat. "Well, if there isn't anything to talk about...." She adds a hopeful one-shoulder shrug toward the door.
Another smile on Zeah's face. This one has a definite I Don't Think So, Young Man edge. "Is there nothing at all to talk about, Colonel Sheppard?"
She frowns and lets herself sink further into the body-shaped seat. "Well, there have been missions. And more." Another glance at Zeah, but of course, she's looking interested.
"By more, you mean problems?"
Sheppard gives a quiet sigh. Gives up. "Guess I do. You remember Heka?"
"Yes, I do." Zeah's expression turns serious. "What happened after you returned to Atlantis?"
"Kind of a lot." She gives Zeah a quick run-down and feels weirdly gratified to see the woman's expression turn serious, her expression shifting into what looks like true concern on her behalf. It bothers Sheppard because she doesn't particularly care to re-hash the clusterfuck that was Operation Rescue Heka, Only Not.
The other topic of interest to a shrink isn't any better. Also, I'm having sex with Rodney McKay. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming.
It's not like she herself did expect it, after all. A woman, maybe, off-world, because it seems that sort of thing just happens. Though not in the near future, of that Sheppard is pretty sure. Rodney's going to be a possessive prick, whichever genitalia she's sporting. Hell, he was before they ever started fucking. But she has to confess, if only to herself, that Rodney wasn't all alone with that attitude. The thing with Norena: okay, it's possible this thing isn't all that new. Sheppard never liked Allina, either, even before the whole thing with the ZPM. Jesus, that far back....
She closes her eyes for a second.
"Colonel Sheppard? Are you well?"
"Yeah." She takes a quick breath and gives Zeah a reassuring smile. "It's just been a pretty rough ride, you know?"
Not that it's just the past. The future looks rocky, too. Sheppard doesn't want to end it, this Thing With Rodney, but it's not like that means it'll work out. It's not just the two of them being really sort of bad at interpersonal stuff: She likes, no, scratch that, loves being a pilot in the Air Force. Sometimes, she still grins when she sees the insignia of a colonel flashing by in a mirror. Some of the people who might have guessed she and Rodney are together may not be so accepting after things return to what passes for normal in Atlantis. They'll have to be so careful it will hurt. She's not sure Rodney can manage that, long term. She doesn't know if she can, either.
"You're not merely talking about your missions and the decisions with respect to them, Colonel."
Sheppard looks up; the befuddled expression comes naturally. It hasn't ever worked on Kate, though, and it doesn't seem to work on Zeah.
"I didn't think so." Her eyes soften. "But I cannot force you to open up, of course."
Hey. She's open. In some places. "I did tell you all about jer...masturbating," she drawls.
"Indeed you did." A matter-of-fact nod. "But I'm thinking that for you, the physical aspects of Completion aren't the hard part."
Yeah, definitely trying to talk about emotions. "I'm good with this body, and not like Teyla."
That comes out a bit too petulant. She shouldn't be happy about adapting better than Teyla, but, well, there it is. She wants to go back to being a guy, but it's not like the thought of staying a woman is horrifying or depressing. Of course, she knew what she was getting into...and that's an advantage Teyla didn't have. It's still pleasing to end up doing better at something than Teyla.
Zeah studies her. Then she puts down her little silver pen. "I believe you; I thought as much when you entered. But there's another reason for you being so comfortable in this body, isn't there?"
Busted. She worries her lower lip with her teeth and sneaks a glance at Zeah. They both know they're pussyfooting around something. Sheppard makes the decision. "I'm having sex with Rodney McKay." She does swallow the second part of her earlier thought.
No smugness from Zeah for getting her to spill the beans. Good, because Sheppard would just start bullshitting her. Still, the lack of surprise is just a little weird. "I see." Zeah does seem to; her eyes are bright, knowing. "Let us omit the physical part, then, and get to what we...shrinks specialize in."
Sheppard's built-in mulish defense mechanism wavers. It's a vaguely maternal kind of humor, but it's ironic enough, and, besides, this is the Pegasus galaxy: You have to make do with what you get. "How I feel about it? I'm not so sure."
Zeah taps her silver stylus against her chin, thoughtful. "Not so sure about what you feel, or not so sure about how you should feel?"
Huh. "Both?" she ventures, only to be met with a dubious head-tilt. Fine. "He's an overbearing ass half the time, but it's good; we're good together." There. "Happy?" She smirks, a little mockingly.
"I don't know; are you?"
Sheppard feels her smirk falter. It's a weird question, and then again, it's amazingly easy to answer. Or just plain amazing, maybe. "At this point, yeah." She ducks her head, hating the way her ears have to have gone red. She's not going to miss the way she blushes more easily as a woman. She's not even sure why she's blushing. It's the truth, but maybe that's it: it's almost embarrassing to say she's happy. More than a little scary too, as though admitting it will be a jinx.
"But when you return to your previous gender?" Zeah frowns, and for a fleeting second, her eyes are distant, not focused on Sheppard. It's unsettling and oddly comforting at once. "What happens then?"
Good question. Really good question, in fact. "I'll still feel the same."
At that, Zeah actually smiles a wry little smile. "Do you think you will you act the same?"
Sheppard thinks that's not quite it. It more that. "No. Some people won't accept it." She doesn't remember if she explained the whole institutionalized homophobia deal to the Hermeans before; might be better if she doesn't. Atlantis has to come across as backward to these people, already.
To her surprise, Zeah leans back and steeples her fingers. "Is it just that? Understand, first, that we haven't forgotten what discrimination is, Colonel Sheppard. Completion and the changes that come with it are only the last, final stretch of a long road."
"Well, lucky you." She runs a hand through her hair. "I'm a member of the military. I'm not - Well, when I'm a guy again, I can't be with a guy."
"As I understand it," Zeah observes with that knowing look, again, "you're not permitted to by certain rules." She lowers her voice. "I'm not all that interested in your military's attitudes, Colonel, I'm interested in what you feel."
Sheppard takes a deep breath. The urge to smile and say something light, easy, and ultimately meaningless is strong. She can't get away with that with Zeah, though. "Well, it's just...I was never gay."
Zeah just looks at her.
Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard sure hadn't felt anything gay for Rodney. Except maybe he just hadn't let himself; maybe she is still lying to herself and he had. Damn it. The thing is, the thing with Rodney has always been kinda gay. "We were - we are friends." John hesitates, staring past Zeah at the window. "Not that I actually thought about it all, really, before, uh, this."
"And now?" Zeah prompts.
Sheppard bites her lip. "Now, I don't know. I guess I have these...uh, I like Rodney."
"Like?"
Sheppard squirms. "Like, like him. You're the shrink."
"Fine. You have strong feelings for Rodney and you've had them for a while. What about Completion?"
"What about it?"
"What if Rodney had undergone it? How would you feel then?"
Okay, this is why she hates shrinks. They give her headaches. Completion changed everything...except when she thinks about it, it didn't. Nothing much changed between them. Except for the sex, which was definitely a plus. Maybe it opened their eyes, but that's all. In the end?
"It doesn't seem to matter which body I'm in. Hell, I'm almost sure it wouldn't matter which body Rodney was in."
Too hard to look Zeah in the eyes, because sometimes, now, she wonders if she wants to be with Rodney because he's a guy.
"I wouldn't mind if it happened, but I don't really want Rodney turned into a woman. And I mean, I'm a man." She has to force the last words out now that she's faced it. "If that's not a little gay, what is?"
The next breath she takes is suddenly easy. So what if it is? she thinks, and it's an amazing relief. It doesn't matter.
"I don't know, Colonel. But the question still is: Would you still want Rodney if he were to experience Completion?"
That's just stupid. Sheppard glares at her. "Of course I would." She frowns. It would be weird for a day or two, but she'd get over it. "It'd still be Rodney."
She feels a smile spread over her face, slow but wide.
It'd always be Rodney.
~*~
Part 29