Ardhanarishvara Part Twenty-Four
Previously: Colonel Sheppard, now temporarily embodied as a woman, stopped sleeping with Rodney McKay after spending a night with Ronon Dex, also currently transformed, as part of a mission. Ronon and Rodney got together, while Teyla, now a man, found herself attracted to the new marine chaplain, Captain Leitmann. In less soap opera-ish areas of their lives, Atlantis continued its campaign to wipe out the skour fields on Heka and force societal change. The Hekans responded by trying to sacrifice forty-five girl children. The Atlanteans, led by Sheppard and McKay, rescued the girls and brought them back to Atlantis, but not without paying a high price: a jumper crashed, and its pilot, Sgt. Reyes, was killed by a mob. Shocked by these developments, Elizabeth Weir shut down the missions to Heka and decided to consult with the SGC and IOA before choosing their next response.
Thanks to icarusancalion for prompting thoughts on Teyla's position with the mission. Her story Quick Bird on Hot Sand went there first. Thanks also to le-vert-colibri who jumped in as our spelling/grammar beta while z_rayne was travelling. Remaining mistakes and stylistic oddities are entirely our own. Finally, our in-valu-able panisdead suggested the Previously on Ard! blurb.
Parts 1 - 20
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
~*~
Four hours, Sheppard thinks in exhaustion. Four hours going over every detail of the proposed mission to Xa. Teyla finally left while Sheppard and Elizabeth were still going over what they could reasonably authorize Cadman to offer as an incentive.
To Sheppard, Xa still sounds like a better solution than they have a right to hope for. Beckett's preliminary report arrived while she was in Elizabeth's office, indicating the Hekan girls are all undernourished, dehydrated, and have the sort of damage that goes with institutionalized abuse, but they haven't been sexually molested - one horror she hadn't even thought of until reading the report. All but one are prepubescent, so they haven't been exposed to the neurotoxic properties of the skour yet, beyond being staked out in it for a day, and there is no nervous system damage. They'll all recover - physically - with proper care.
Sheppard stumbles out of the conference room long after Teyla leaves, leaden with exhaustion, vaguely remembering that she meant to hash things out with McKay. A glance at her watch shows it's closer to morning than night. The empty nausea in her stomach decides for her, though, and she touches the transporter destination that will take her closest to the mess hall.
The hastily made banner taped up over the doors - Welcome! - makes her smile tiredly. Most evidence of the kids has been cleaned up. Along with most of the food, she notes; breakfast hasn't been brought out yet. Just as well, the faint scent of cooking sausage she catches makes her stomach roll.
She wanders along the serving tables, looking for something that won't come back up when dumped in on top of too much coffee and stomach acid. Nods at Corporal Mundy, who is coming in off perimeter patrol. There are a couple of scientists at one of the tables, and Captain Leitmann is sitting with Teyla in a corner. The two of them look as weary as Sheppard feels, drooping over empty plates, talking to each other quietly, and she returns the wave Leitmann gives without joining them.
The last table yields an almost magical offering: a plate with two brownies - culinary gold in Atlantis - neatly covered in plastic and topped with a jaunty little piece of folded paper bearing Lorne's unmistakable printing: Property of Lt. Col. Sheppard & Dr. McKay - don't even think about touching this! It surprises a little chuff of laughter out of her.
It's also the perfect excuse to go find McKay and make peace by offering up the brownies. Even if it doesn't work, she'd rather have McKay ranting at her than sit alone in her quarters, replaying the sounds of Reyes dying heard over the radio. Seeing his body every time she closes her eyes.
Sheppard scoops up the plate and exits the mess, heading for Rodney's quarters. It doesn't occur to her to knock, not when it's this late. If McKay's asleep, she'll just leave the brownies. Soundless doors have their good points, she thinks as Rodney's slides open, and she can be pretty quiet herself - quiet enough that she avoids waking either of the two people asleep on Rodney's bed.
If Sheppard could move or think, she might reflect on how much Ronon has changed; how she's relaxed and trusting enough that instinct hasn't snapped her awake just from the change in airflow in the room. Of course, Ronon is part of the team and can probably tell it's Sheppard and not a threat, even in her sleep. But all of that comes a distant second to the shock Sheppard's feeling.
They're sprawled together on Rodney's bed, Ronon's arm over Rodney's waist, comfortable together. Fitted together. Ronon's boots are shoved half under the bed. Ronon's coat is tossed over the back of chair; Rodney's jacket is crumpled in a smoky smelling pile on the seat.
Her first thought is objective. They look good together. Pale skin, amber skin, folded around each other and relaxed in sleep. She knows how gentle each of them can be, has experienced it, imagines them together -
It feels like being kicked in the stomach. That's the way Rodney wrapped himself around her in bed. The way his hand rested on her arm. The two in front of her share the bed with the sort of unconscious familiarity that only comes from physical intimacy.
Ronon's spread over most of the bed, the same way she did on the pallet on Xa.
Sheppard takes a long step back, lets the door slide shut. Brushes her free hand over the lock, wishing just for once Atlantis hadn't given her special privileges, hadn't opened the locked door for her. Her other hand is still holding the covered plate of brownies. She stands there for a long moment, trying to decide what to do now. She doesn't have any special rights to either of them. There's no reason they can't be together.
"None of your business," she whispers out loud. So Rodney found someone else to talk to after leaving the infirmary, while she was stuck in conference with Elizabeth. Or more than talk - but she can't hold that against him, against either of them. It isn't like anyone is cheating on anyone. She called it quits.
It still feels like a kick in the gut.
Fuck.
Any appetite she had has disappeared. May as well take the plate and contents back to the mess. Hopefully someone will help themselves to it.
Okay, maybe that's a little petty. She'll leave Lorne's note. Odds are the brownies will still be there in the morning when Rodney arrives in the mess. Ronon can have hers. Maybe she'll choke on it. She's glad the corridors are empty this late. And to hell with leaving the note. She picks it off and balls it up, firing it at the garbage as hard as she can, so hard it rebounds out of the can. She doesn't pick it up.
Damn it.
It's not so much that Rodney and Ronon are sleeping with each other - well, fine, it is - but that they did so in secret. Behind the rest of the team's back. Hell, she and Rodney never hid anything, not from Ronon and Teyla.
Does Teyla know?
She steps through the doorway of the mess. Teyla's still sitting with Leitmann, back to the room, not even aware Sheppard's there. Even from where she is, Sheppard can see how relaxed Teyla is - obviously enjoying the captain's company. Probably smiling. Leitmann's laughing.
Sheppard sets the plate down carefully and turns for the doors again. No idea where she's going. Not her quarters. She's bone tired, but sleep's the farthest thing from her mind.
She almost runs into Cadman in the corridor. Bumps the wall dodging her.
"Colonel? Hey, I've got that stuff-"
Sheppard just wants to keep moving, but she pauses and makes the effort. "Lieutenant. Later."
Cadman's frowning at her. Sheppard schools her face into a blank.
"Colonel, are you okay?"
Sheppard nods automatically. She's thinking about reaching the transporter as soon as possible. She wants to run until there's nothing but the burn of her muscles. The air shifts as if Cadman had moved, reached out toward her. She twitches aside. "Fine," she says and starts walking. Walking is acceptable, even a brisk walk. She's the colonel, she has places to be, right?
She turns the corner and leaves Cadman out of sight. There's no one in front of her now, no one to see behind, and she breaks into a jog. Jumps in the transporter and hits her destination, the catwalks over the empty industrial areas, and starts running as the door opens again.
Running is knee- and ankle-jarring, has her blood rush through her body and her breath saw in and out of her lungs until her head is empty, blissfully so. She trips and nearly reels into a chill metal wall. For a moment, she remains plastered against the wall, letting it hold her up. Her breath condenses on it, turns to droplets that run down the surface. The cold in this part of the city is old as the sea; if she stays, she's going to start shaking soon.
Sheppard pushes away from the wall again. She can't go to the gym where the marines lift weights. It's on the east side and will probably have someone in already for an early work-out, someone who will have heard about Reyes, will ask and talk about him, even if they weren't part of the fire mission. The closest place where she won't look out of place is the training room where she practices stick fighting with Teyla. The tower room.
There's a stitch in her side, right between her ribs, pulling with every breath she draws in.
She forces herself to walk steadily, not speeding or slowing until she reaches her destination. The doors open for her silently. It's still dark, so the stained glass is colorless, the room thankfully dim and empty. She commands the lights to stay off. Safe and silent, just the faintest gray light distinguishing the west-facing windows from the darkness of the room. No one to see the after mission shakes hit her while she replays it in her head - start to finish, it was every pilot's nightmare.
She goes to retrieve a towel from the storage niche by the windows...and then doesn't really make it to the center of the room. Her legs fold under her. One is threatening to cramp, and she slowly straightens it, holding her breath, but the cramp doesn't materialize. She's left sitting against glass panels that may look golden-warm but turn out to be cold as fuck against her sweaty back.
Her radio earpiece hisses static and then: "Colonel Sheppard? This is Cadman. Over." She ignores it. She is officially off-duty. Anything important would come over the command push, and Lorne can handle anything less than an all-out emergency.
~*~
Laura drops off the last of the goods - except for the colonel's hair gel and Tylenol from the Daedalus - in Biro's office. Even she doesn't know what's in the plain wrapped box Biro gets every run. According to Lindsay, it's already packaged when it's dropped off at the SGC. Neither of them have ever had the guts to peek. Laura has never considered herself a coward - and neither has anyone else; she made sure of that - but Biro can be...a little odd.
She heads toward the colonel's quarters, meaning to leave her delivery outside her door when she remembers seeing Sheppard outside the mess. She hadn't looked that good and might not appreciate a knock on the door so late. Or early, she amends, with a glance at her watch. Of course, the colonel may not even be in her quarters.
She taps her radio and switches to the control room frequency. "Control, this is Cadman."
"What can I do for you?" the night shift tech asks.
"Give me a location on the colonel?"
There's a pause, presumably as he checks the shift schedules, then tries to radio Colonel Sheppard on the command channel. "She's not in her quarters and not answering the radio, but I've a lifesign in the tower where she and Teyla work out. She's down shift, so she might just have her radio off.
"Okay, thanks," Laura says.
"Anytime."
Over the military command channel, she radios: "Colonel Sheppard? This is Cadman. Over."
No answer.
She keeps seeing the set look on Sheppard's face. Maybe losing Reyes was hitting her harder for some reason, but whatever it is, Laura has a bad feeling. After hesitating for moment - she can hear her mother, Don't dither, Laura, make up your mind, for heaven's sake!, she heads for the tower.
Begins to, anyway, but then her step falters. Even if the colonel is in trouble, she won't want Laura or anyone under her direct authority seeing her that way.
She'd comm McKay, but she knows just how big a disaster McKay is at interpersonal relationships. Also, he was on the same mission, probably wouldn't be any help. And if he's asleep, he deserves to be left alone.
With a sigh, she comms Heightmeyer. The colonel probably won't thank her, unless you count KP duty as thanks, but at least Heightmeyer will keep her mouth shut. And she's trained, as much as you can be trained for the craziness that is life in Atlantis.
"Is it an emergency?" Kate asks immediately.
Laura pauses. "I don't know," she says.
"Who is it?"
"Colonel Sheppard."
Even through the radio, she hears Kate sigh.
~*~
She's seen this kind of thing before. The stress, fear, exhilaration of a fight - soldiers who are usually close, even closer in battle, fall into bed together. Or a ditch. Nothing to write home about. At least Teyla's had the brains to not do either with any of them. Of course, Teyla's not what Sheppard would call a soldier.
Another radio call, this time on the gateroom push. She ignores it.
Not that Rodney's a soldier, either. He didn't understand the things she had to do before she could let go. He found someone else who would be there.
Sheppard knows that in the scheme of things, a couple of teammates getting together doesn't compare with losing Sergeant Reyes. Reyes and the Hekan kids, they're important. One's dead, and the others are alive but in trouble.
She's still sitting there when the door behind her opens. She half expects Teyla, but the footsteps are wrong, too heavy to be Teyla as she was, too light to be as he is now. She turns her head enough to see who it is and raises an eyebrow in surprise, recognizing Heightmeyer. She doesn't think she's ever seen Kate in the gym, certainly not up here.
"Colonel Sheppard?" Heightmeyer says. "Lt. Cadman thought you might -"
"If the city isn't under attack, just leave me alone," Sheppard tells her.
"Lieutenant Cadman was concerned."
She looks away from Heightmeyer. "Cadman shouldn't stick her nose in other people's business," she mutters. Great, now even the marines think she's a headcase.
"No, that's my job," Kate replies.
"Aren't you off-duty now?" Sheppard manages to twist her lips into the semblance of a smile.
"No more or less than you ever are."
And it's true, Kate looks as if she was woken from sleep - eyes a little puffy, some stray hairs. At least the hair is blonde again. Kate's experiment with being a redhead had not been pretty.
"Casualties must be something you learn to expect in the military?" Kate asks.
Sheppard just snorts. Then she shrugs and answers. "Yeah. Doesn't mean you like them."
"You saved forty-five innocent children and two Athosians," Kate says. "That doesn't make it better, but...."
"I've had worse missions. Reyes would figure it was worthwhile, but so what? His kids aren't going to think so," Sheppard finishes, her voice gone thick and hoarse. "Because he's still dead."
"You have had worse missions, Colonel. Why is this one bothering you so much? There have been other deaths."
"Yeah, but - you know I flew helicopters, right? This thing, it's like a nightmare, like what happened in Mogadishu. Except Reyes wasn't even a pilot, not really, just a guy with the gene. He didn't sign up for - " Sheppard thunks her head back against the wall. "He didn't die defending Atlantis or the US or anything he signed up for. It's different. He had a family."
Kate crouches down, in careful distance from her, her eyes bright and sympathetic. "Yes, they aren't the ones who'll be easily consoled. But you, Colonel -"
She can feel Kate's gaze on her. The room's still dim, and thank God, she hasn't been crying.
"Colonel," she says quietly, settling down, stilling. "What happened?"
"What, the Atlantis grapevine hasn't told you already?" Sheppard knows the sneer on her face is blindingly obvious, but Kate takes her response in stride.
"I wouldn't say grapevine. I'd say two people were pretty concerned about you, though."
"Two?" She can't help asking. Cadman the snoop and...?
"Yes," she says, looking at Sheppard with her measured gaze, "first Captain Leitmann, then Lt. Cadman."
Sheppard closes her eyes for a second. Wonderful. Maybe next she can burst into tears in front of Lorne or Caldwell. That'd be fucking perfect. "When exactly has this whole damn city developed such a keen interest in me?" she grits out. She's not expecting an answer, but Kate's too accommodating sometimes. Usually, in fact.
"Since the first day?"
Sheppard blinks, then stares at her. It's a Rodney kind of answer; unfortunately, that means it's probably true.
"Crap," she says finally.
Not in denial. Just, she's never liked being the center of attention, even though she knows how to work a room. And wouldn't Kate just love to hear that thought?
Of course, the way the woman looks at her, Sheppard wonders if she knows, anyway. It's disconcerting, and one reason Sheppard avoids her. Back on Earth, the psych tests were easy - the ones who tested Major Sheppard were strangers, easily fooled. They didn't know her. Here, on Atlantis, there is no distance between therapist and patient; it gives Kate an edge that no one else ever had.
And the fucking sex change didn't help one bit. Kate, more than any shrink Sheppard's ever encountered, sees her, and not the facade. And because of that, Sheppard won't be able to shake her off now.
"Colonel," Kate says.
Sheppard stares resolutely past Kate but knows that won't work forever. It'd be easier to stand up, give a polite but curt goodbye, and leave...but she feels drained. "Christ," she mutters finally. "I just -"
Kate waits.
Sheppard forces herself to look Kate in the eye.
"Rodney and Ronon are sleeping together." She shapes her mouth into a smile. "Kind of surprised me."
Kate's mouth forms a round, perfect O at that.
"That...." Kate blinks, looks almost bewildered herself, "I think I can see how that would surprise you."
"So, I know it's got nothing to do with me," Sheppard makes herself say.
Kate nods, then stops nodding, and isn't that just perfect?
"I wouldn't go that far, Colonel," Kate says, quietly. "It's their responsibility, not yours at all, but -" she hesitates; maybe this is not in the Handbook, "it's safe to assume the events and developments of recent days have played a role in this."
Sheppard shrugs, thinking but not saying, no shit.
"You're their commander in the field, a teammate, they're both your friends, and in Rodney's case...." Kate pauses delicately, "you've been intimate, as well. It does involve you. You may not have a right to dictate their actions, but those actions certainly affect how you feel."
Sheppard barks out a laugh that leaves her chest feeling hollow. "You could say that."
Kate very carefully sets her hand on Sheppard's knee. "John," she says.
Sheppard thinks she ought to flinch at that - she doesn't want to be touched, and Kate's her therapist - but truth be told, she doesn't feel much of anything.
"I just need to get some rest," she says.
"I can get you something to help you sleep," Kate offers.
Sheppard hesitates. Drugged sleep isn't as good as the real thing, could even be dangerous if she's left too groggy to wake up and function. "No," she says, firmness creeping back into her voice, and yeah, that's more like it.
Kate nods. Then she actually smiles, with a touch of self-mockery. "I won't ask 'how do you feel about it', Colonel."
"That obvious?" She means to be sarcastic, but it sounds like an actual question.
"Most people will assume, correctly, that you are upset over Sergeant Reyes, Colonel, nothing more."
The knot in her stomach loosens a little. It does bug her, the fact they all watch, all care. She nods jerkily. Jesus. There's something else to feel guilty over, though. She's freaking out over Rodney sleeping with Ronon when one of her people is dead.
"I am upset about Reyes," she says hoarsely. "Just, this," she waves a hand, aimlessly, "on top of it wasn't the best timing."
Kate leans forward again, attentive enough to catch - something in her face, she guesses. "Colonel, no one can be blamed for focusing on one shock at a time. Right now, you're trying to come to terms with Ronon and Rodney."
She looks at Sheppard as if to will her to believe.
It makes Sheppard feel like squirming. "It's no huge deal. I'll be fine in the morning."
"You -" Kate's eyes widen at that, the moment she gets it. "I don't believe that, Colonel." She adds, "And if you do, you're lying to yourself."
Sheppard frowns. "Aren't you supposed to be more supportive?"
The joke falls flat, because Kate clearly is. "Do you really want me to pat your back and tell you everything will be okay?"
Sheppard bites her lips, hard enough to hurt. "No." Then offers, knowing she sounds petulant, "Hey, I might appreciate it, though, right now."
Kate just smiles sadly at her. "Let yourself feel your emotions, Colonel. It's okay to have them. You're one of the most adaptable people I've ever met. You'll find your balance."
"Now you sound like Teyla."
"That," Kate says slowly, "wouldn't be a bad thing, I feel."
~*~
"McKay!"
The piercing call of the harpy, he thinks, and stuffs the last almost-blueberry muffin into his mouth whole.
"McKay!"
Rodney twitches and keeps walking. Maybe if he ignores her, Cadman will give up. Right. Like that ever happens. He can hear her clattering behind him - and how does she manage to clatter in combat boots? He'll never reach the transporter in time. He looks at the doors at the end of the corridor longingly anyway.
She catches at his arm in the next second, pulling him around and to a stop. "Hey, did you hear me?"
Rodney chews, swallows most of the muffin, and mutters, "Half of the Pegasus Galaxy heard you."
"My voice does carry, doesn't it?" Cadman sounds pleased with herself. As usual. He'll pay in Kona coffee beans to be present when something really, finally, throws Cadman for a loop.
"Yeah, like that impresses me."
Cadman smirks at him, hands on her hips. "Like I care whether you're impressed."
Rodney rolls his eyes and demands, "What do you want, Lieutenant?" After all, he has important work to do, unlike the tap-dancing harridan who probably hasn't had a chance to blow anything up for a week, having been off-world cavorting with the Xa. They, he thinks sourly, probably think she's the bee's knees
"I want you to make sure Colonel Sheppard's all right, Rodney."
"Sheppard's fine." Suddenly, the floor is positively fascinating. He and Ronon both talked about Sheppard the night of the Heka mission, before he fell asleep, and they both agreed Sheppard wasn't fine, but that's none of Cadman's business. Besides, neither of them could figure out what to do that would help Sheppard, except stop flirting with each other. Which they agreed on. At least Rodney thinks that's what he and Ronon agreed on; he's never been good with interpreting worried grunts or girls in general.
"She's not, and you know damn well she isn't."
Rodney looks up. She's not kidding. Cadman looks uncharacteristically serious. In fact, this is probably the most serious he's ever seen Laura Cadman. Rodney swallows the last, too-dry bits of muffin, almost choking.
"What do you know?" he demands.
Her face softens, and she looks down the corridor toward the doors to the mess. "I met her that night, Rodney." That night is already Atlantis shorthand for 'The night after the mission that killed Reyes and brought them a bunch of traumatized girls'. He winces at the reminder. "Outside the mess hall. She looked...." Her mouth folds in on itself, somehow signaling pain without words. Maybe she's trying to look the way Sheppard looked to her. If so, it was bad. "And Captain Leitmann said she brought back the brownies the Major made the cooks save for both of you."
He's always liked Lorne. Well, not always, there was that rocky start on the radiated planet where they found Ronon, but anyone who knows to save brownies for him is a step above the average moron in Rodney's estimation. "Good for her." He frowns. There were no brownies in the mess that morning. That's why he'd had to settle for a fried oatmeal cake-thing. Even smothered in honey it had almost left him in need of the Heimlich maneuver. That was the price of being late to the mess, of course, not like today, when he managed to snag three nearly-like-blueberries muffins. "Wait, there were brownies?"
"Rodney!"
"Sorry. But I still fail to see - so she was having brownies."
"No, doofus." Cadman sighs. "She brought the plate backinto the mess. Lorne had put it up, with a sign saying they were for her and for you. She picked it up and then she brought it back."
"But...why?" Rodney feels a growing sense of unease.
"I don't know." Cadman shrugs. "But she looked pretty beaten up and booked out of here fast when I asked her what was wrong."
He looks at her and gets a queasy feeling in his stomach. It isn't the muffin. What if Sheppard...? Oh, shit. He isn't going to apologize for sleeping with Ronon, but that's a crap way to find out. He never meant anything like that to happen. For it to happen the last night the two of them were together? That's proof there is a God and he is a vindictive sonovabitch with something against Rodney personally.
He never even really meant to sleep with Ronon. It just happened.
Rodney hears that in his head and winces.
Actually, this explains a lot - why he hasn't seen or heard of Sheppard - except at the morning-after debrief and conference - for days. Usually, the Colonel manages to swing by and annoy him to death on a near-regular basis, especially since the science labs adore her to the tips of her overstyled hair. Sheppard's the only one Rodney lets get away with that. The last week, there hasn't even been a single radio call.
He definitely feels sick and maybe a stop in the infirmary would be a good idea. Maybe Carson could examine him and find some medical reason for the degree of stupidity he's displayed, because he slept with Ronon after giving Sheppard hell just for being flirted at by some random grunt. Of course, Sheppard did sleep with Ronon first, but it was on a mission...for a mission. Paranoia raises its head. Did Ronon orchestrate the entire thing? No, the man-beast-amazon isn't that Machiavellian. Besides, Ronon cares about Sheppard. The mess the three of them have made is not something Ronon or anyone would set out to make.
Cadman's staring at him and Rodney realizes he's been standing with his mouth hanging open. He snaps it closed.
Bottom line, there's a problem. Usually, he's good - excellent - at solving problems.
Usually.
This, though - this is the sort of emotional quagmire he's spent his life in the labs avoiding. Even people who are good at relationships would quail before this mess. Even Cadman, standing before him with her brassy smile, brassy hair, and brass balls, would have qualms.
She would, however, do something, no matter how feeble-brained it would turn out to be. And Rodney McKay is not going to be outdone by a marine.
Oh, God, he's going to have to find Sheppard and...talk. Just the thought is probably enough to give him an allergic reaction.
Plus, Sheppard is, hands down, the best at eluding any emotional confrontations or confessions, something Rodney's always admired, frankly. The less said, the better. Fewer chances of making a fool of himself. Despite what Kavanagh says, he's not actually trying to do that.
He taps his radio, tuning to the lab channel. "Radek. You're in charge for the rest of the day. I've got something to do before the staff conference."
He ignores the cursing in Czech.
"You," he says, narrowing his eyes at Cadman.
She looks mock-innocent at that.
"Where is Sheppard?"
"Now you want to know," she mumbles, but relents. "Major Lorne said she's in her office, even though she should be catching up on some sleep."
Rodney takes a deep breath and lets it out. Okay. He has to do this.
Whatever it is.
Wait.
"Sheppard has an office?"
~*~
The door slides open for him and Rodney blesses Carson's less-than-ethical experimental gene therapy once more. Sheppard is bent over her desk, writing something on actual paper. Atlantis is supposed to be a paperless society, but somehow he isn't surprised to see Sheppard using the archaic stuff. "Oh, look. You do have one."
Sheppard looks up, a little sourly. The marks of more than one sleepless night make her look her age for once. "One what?"
"Office," Rodney says lightly. The door shuts behind him.
"Yes, I work here. Amazing." Sheppard carefully sets her pen down away from the sheet of paper before her. It looks like official SGC stationery, the stuff used to go out through the mail to people without clearance.
"And by 'work' you mean -" Rodney coughs and swallows the rest of the sentence because oh, right, here to make amends and be nice. Sheppard is watching him warily. No 'Hey, buddy, you okay there?' Just her watchful gaze resting on him. It makes Rodney's palms sweat in a not nice way. The last time Sheppard looked this way was after Doranda. Oh, there's a nice comparison. He really hopes he hasn't blown up five-sixths of their relationship, whatever it is.
"What do you want, Rodney? I have to write a condolence letter to the Reyes family. It'll go back with the next Daedalus run."
He would have thought Sheppard would have already done that, but this is probably a personal letter, not the official notification. That...actually helps. Rodney looks down, nods. "I'm sorry about Reyes, Sheppard. He was a good man." And he was, Rodney thinks. "You'll tell them, I mean, I know you can't give out the details, but you'll tell them he saved Simpson, right?" The SGC probably wouldn't do that.
"Yes, I will, Rodney." Sheppard stares down at the paper in front of her.
"I, uh...." Rodney stops and makes sure - again - that the office door is closed securely. It's just a delaying tactic and he knows Sheppard knows it is.
Sheppard leans back in her chair, looking almost as wary as Rodney feels.
Rodney blurts it out: "Did you come by my quarters the other night?"
Sheppard's face closes off completely. Answer enough. Sheppard looks at a point somewhere over Rodney's right shoulder. Her voice is casual. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because, because, it isn't, it wasn't, not like, you would probably think, and we did, but -"
"It's none of my business," Sheppard says dismissively, voice cool and sharp, but Rodney's learned to read Sheppard over the years.
Rodney opens his mouth twice before getting any words out. "Yes, it is."
"Only insofar as we're on the same team," Sheppard replies, still closed off. Her fingers are a little tight on the pen, though. "I think we can all keep it professional, though."
It occurs to Rodney that he did make a Doranda-sized mistake and he has little to no idea how to fix it. Only, he really needs to fix this, because, sure, if Sheppard said, 'Let's go to my quarters and fuck,' Rodney would be right there - who wouldn't? - but that's the easy part. If Sheppard wanted to go back to her quarters and play chess or stare out the window together or, God help them both, talk, Rodney would be willing. He'd go right now. He'd radio Control and tell Elizabeth that her meeting would have to take a backseat because he had something more important to do. He wouldn't want to do any of those things with Ronon. Sheppard could step off the top of the central tower and Rodney would follow her. There's no one else he's ever felt that way about.
There's a word for feeling like that - well, two if you count crazy - but he's pretty sure neither of them is ever going to say it out loud. Rodney's careful to not even think it in his head.
"Sheppard - "
Sheppard's setting down the pen, sliding the letter into a desk drawer and studiously ignoring him. "We're going to be late to Elizabeth's conference." She stands much straighter than she did as a man and walks around the far side of her desk, so that she doesn't have to brush by Rodney to reach the door.
~*~
Part 25
Thanks to icarusancalion for prompting thoughts on Teyla's position with the mission. Her story Quick Bird on Hot Sand went there first. Thanks also to le-vert-colibri who jumped in as our spelling/grammar beta while z_rayne was travelling. Remaining mistakes and stylistic oddities are entirely our own. Finally, our in-valu-able panisdead suggested the Previously on Ard! blurb.
Parts 1 - 20
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
~*~
Four hours, Sheppard thinks in exhaustion. Four hours going over every detail of the proposed mission to Xa. Teyla finally left while Sheppard and Elizabeth were still going over what they could reasonably authorize Cadman to offer as an incentive.
To Sheppard, Xa still sounds like a better solution than they have a right to hope for. Beckett's preliminary report arrived while she was in Elizabeth's office, indicating the Hekan girls are all undernourished, dehydrated, and have the sort of damage that goes with institutionalized abuse, but they haven't been sexually molested - one horror she hadn't even thought of until reading the report. All but one are prepubescent, so they haven't been exposed to the neurotoxic properties of the skour yet, beyond being staked out in it for a day, and there is no nervous system damage. They'll all recover - physically - with proper care.
Sheppard stumbles out of the conference room long after Teyla leaves, leaden with exhaustion, vaguely remembering that she meant to hash things out with McKay. A glance at her watch shows it's closer to morning than night. The empty nausea in her stomach decides for her, though, and she touches the transporter destination that will take her closest to the mess hall.
The hastily made banner taped up over the doors - Welcome! - makes her smile tiredly. Most evidence of the kids has been cleaned up. Along with most of the food, she notes; breakfast hasn't been brought out yet. Just as well, the faint scent of cooking sausage she catches makes her stomach roll.
She wanders along the serving tables, looking for something that won't come back up when dumped in on top of too much coffee and stomach acid. Nods at Corporal Mundy, who is coming in off perimeter patrol. There are a couple of scientists at one of the tables, and Captain Leitmann is sitting with Teyla in a corner. The two of them look as weary as Sheppard feels, drooping over empty plates, talking to each other quietly, and she returns the wave Leitmann gives without joining them.
The last table yields an almost magical offering: a plate with two brownies - culinary gold in Atlantis - neatly covered in plastic and topped with a jaunty little piece of folded paper bearing Lorne's unmistakable printing: Property of Lt. Col. Sheppard & Dr. McKay - don't even think about touching this! It surprises a little chuff of laughter out of her.
It's also the perfect excuse to go find McKay and make peace by offering up the brownies. Even if it doesn't work, she'd rather have McKay ranting at her than sit alone in her quarters, replaying the sounds of Reyes dying heard over the radio. Seeing his body every time she closes her eyes.
Sheppard scoops up the plate and exits the mess, heading for Rodney's quarters. It doesn't occur to her to knock, not when it's this late. If McKay's asleep, she'll just leave the brownies. Soundless doors have their good points, she thinks as Rodney's slides open, and she can be pretty quiet herself - quiet enough that she avoids waking either of the two people asleep on Rodney's bed.
If Sheppard could move or think, she might reflect on how much Ronon has changed; how she's relaxed and trusting enough that instinct hasn't snapped her awake just from the change in airflow in the room. Of course, Ronon is part of the team and can probably tell it's Sheppard and not a threat, even in her sleep. But all of that comes a distant second to the shock Sheppard's feeling.
They're sprawled together on Rodney's bed, Ronon's arm over Rodney's waist, comfortable together. Fitted together. Ronon's boots are shoved half under the bed. Ronon's coat is tossed over the back of chair; Rodney's jacket is crumpled in a smoky smelling pile on the seat.
Her first thought is objective. They look good together. Pale skin, amber skin, folded around each other and relaxed in sleep. She knows how gentle each of them can be, has experienced it, imagines them together -
It feels like being kicked in the stomach. That's the way Rodney wrapped himself around her in bed. The way his hand rested on her arm. The two in front of her share the bed with the sort of unconscious familiarity that only comes from physical intimacy.
Ronon's spread over most of the bed, the same way she did on the pallet on Xa.
Sheppard takes a long step back, lets the door slide shut. Brushes her free hand over the lock, wishing just for once Atlantis hadn't given her special privileges, hadn't opened the locked door for her. Her other hand is still holding the covered plate of brownies. She stands there for a long moment, trying to decide what to do now. She doesn't have any special rights to either of them. There's no reason they can't be together.
"None of your business," she whispers out loud. So Rodney found someone else to talk to after leaving the infirmary, while she was stuck in conference with Elizabeth. Or more than talk - but she can't hold that against him, against either of them. It isn't like anyone is cheating on anyone. She called it quits.
It still feels like a kick in the gut.
Fuck.
Any appetite she had has disappeared. May as well take the plate and contents back to the mess. Hopefully someone will help themselves to it.
Okay, maybe that's a little petty. She'll leave Lorne's note. Odds are the brownies will still be there in the morning when Rodney arrives in the mess. Ronon can have hers. Maybe she'll choke on it. She's glad the corridors are empty this late. And to hell with leaving the note. She picks it off and balls it up, firing it at the garbage as hard as she can, so hard it rebounds out of the can. She doesn't pick it up.
Damn it.
It's not so much that Rodney and Ronon are sleeping with each other - well, fine, it is - but that they did so in secret. Behind the rest of the team's back. Hell, she and Rodney never hid anything, not from Ronon and Teyla.
Does Teyla know?
She steps through the doorway of the mess. Teyla's still sitting with Leitmann, back to the room, not even aware Sheppard's there. Even from where she is, Sheppard can see how relaxed Teyla is - obviously enjoying the captain's company. Probably smiling. Leitmann's laughing.
Sheppard sets the plate down carefully and turns for the doors again. No idea where she's going. Not her quarters. She's bone tired, but sleep's the farthest thing from her mind.
She almost runs into Cadman in the corridor. Bumps the wall dodging her.
"Colonel? Hey, I've got that stuff-"
Sheppard just wants to keep moving, but she pauses and makes the effort. "Lieutenant. Later."
Cadman's frowning at her. Sheppard schools her face into a blank.
"Colonel, are you okay?"
Sheppard nods automatically. She's thinking about reaching the transporter as soon as possible. She wants to run until there's nothing but the burn of her muscles. The air shifts as if Cadman had moved, reached out toward her. She twitches aside. "Fine," she says and starts walking. Walking is acceptable, even a brisk walk. She's the colonel, she has places to be, right?
She turns the corner and leaves Cadman out of sight. There's no one in front of her now, no one to see behind, and she breaks into a jog. Jumps in the transporter and hits her destination, the catwalks over the empty industrial areas, and starts running as the door opens again.
Running is knee- and ankle-jarring, has her blood rush through her body and her breath saw in and out of her lungs until her head is empty, blissfully so. She trips and nearly reels into a chill metal wall. For a moment, she remains plastered against the wall, letting it hold her up. Her breath condenses on it, turns to droplets that run down the surface. The cold in this part of the city is old as the sea; if she stays, she's going to start shaking soon.
Sheppard pushes away from the wall again. She can't go to the gym where the marines lift weights. It's on the east side and will probably have someone in already for an early work-out, someone who will have heard about Reyes, will ask and talk about him, even if they weren't part of the fire mission. The closest place where she won't look out of place is the training room where she practices stick fighting with Teyla. The tower room.
There's a stitch in her side, right between her ribs, pulling with every breath she draws in.
She forces herself to walk steadily, not speeding or slowing until she reaches her destination. The doors open for her silently. It's still dark, so the stained glass is colorless, the room thankfully dim and empty. She commands the lights to stay off. Safe and silent, just the faintest gray light distinguishing the west-facing windows from the darkness of the room. No one to see the after mission shakes hit her while she replays it in her head - start to finish, it was every pilot's nightmare.
She goes to retrieve a towel from the storage niche by the windows...and then doesn't really make it to the center of the room. Her legs fold under her. One is threatening to cramp, and she slowly straightens it, holding her breath, but the cramp doesn't materialize. She's left sitting against glass panels that may look golden-warm but turn out to be cold as fuck against her sweaty back.
Her radio earpiece hisses static and then: "Colonel Sheppard? This is Cadman. Over." She ignores it. She is officially off-duty. Anything important would come over the command push, and Lorne can handle anything less than an all-out emergency.
~*~
Laura drops off the last of the goods - except for the colonel's hair gel and Tylenol from the Daedalus - in Biro's office. Even she doesn't know what's in the plain wrapped box Biro gets every run. According to Lindsay, it's already packaged when it's dropped off at the SGC. Neither of them have ever had the guts to peek. Laura has never considered herself a coward - and neither has anyone else; she made sure of that - but Biro can be...a little odd.
She heads toward the colonel's quarters, meaning to leave her delivery outside her door when she remembers seeing Sheppard outside the mess. She hadn't looked that good and might not appreciate a knock on the door so late. Or early, she amends, with a glance at her watch. Of course, the colonel may not even be in her quarters.
She taps her radio and switches to the control room frequency. "Control, this is Cadman."
"What can I do for you?" the night shift tech asks.
"Give me a location on the colonel?"
There's a pause, presumably as he checks the shift schedules, then tries to radio Colonel Sheppard on the command channel. "She's not in her quarters and not answering the radio, but I've a lifesign in the tower where she and Teyla work out. She's down shift, so she might just have her radio off.
"Okay, thanks," Laura says.
"Anytime."
Over the military command channel, she radios: "Colonel Sheppard? This is Cadman. Over."
No answer.
She keeps seeing the set look on Sheppard's face. Maybe losing Reyes was hitting her harder for some reason, but whatever it is, Laura has a bad feeling. After hesitating for moment - she can hear her mother, Don't dither, Laura, make up your mind, for heaven's sake!, she heads for the tower.
Begins to, anyway, but then her step falters. Even if the colonel is in trouble, she won't want Laura or anyone under her direct authority seeing her that way.
She'd comm McKay, but she knows just how big a disaster McKay is at interpersonal relationships. Also, he was on the same mission, probably wouldn't be any help. And if he's asleep, he deserves to be left alone.
With a sigh, she comms Heightmeyer. The colonel probably won't thank her, unless you count KP duty as thanks, but at least Heightmeyer will keep her mouth shut. And she's trained, as much as you can be trained for the craziness that is life in Atlantis.
"Is it an emergency?" Kate asks immediately.
Laura pauses. "I don't know," she says.
"Who is it?"
"Colonel Sheppard."
Even through the radio, she hears Kate sigh.
~*~
She's seen this kind of thing before. The stress, fear, exhilaration of a fight - soldiers who are usually close, even closer in battle, fall into bed together. Or a ditch. Nothing to write home about. At least Teyla's had the brains to not do either with any of them. Of course, Teyla's not what Sheppard would call a soldier.
Another radio call, this time on the gateroom push. She ignores it.
Not that Rodney's a soldier, either. He didn't understand the things she had to do before she could let go. He found someone else who would be there.
Sheppard knows that in the scheme of things, a couple of teammates getting together doesn't compare with losing Sergeant Reyes. Reyes and the Hekan kids, they're important. One's dead, and the others are alive but in trouble.
She's still sitting there when the door behind her opens. She half expects Teyla, but the footsteps are wrong, too heavy to be Teyla as she was, too light to be as he is now. She turns her head enough to see who it is and raises an eyebrow in surprise, recognizing Heightmeyer. She doesn't think she's ever seen Kate in the gym, certainly not up here.
"Colonel Sheppard?" Heightmeyer says. "Lt. Cadman thought you might -"
"If the city isn't under attack, just leave me alone," Sheppard tells her.
"Lieutenant Cadman was concerned."
She looks away from Heightmeyer. "Cadman shouldn't stick her nose in other people's business," she mutters. Great, now even the marines think she's a headcase.
"No, that's my job," Kate replies.
"Aren't you off-duty now?" Sheppard manages to twist her lips into the semblance of a smile.
"No more or less than you ever are."
And it's true, Kate looks as if she was woken from sleep - eyes a little puffy, some stray hairs. At least the hair is blonde again. Kate's experiment with being a redhead had not been pretty.
"Casualties must be something you learn to expect in the military?" Kate asks.
Sheppard just snorts. Then she shrugs and answers. "Yeah. Doesn't mean you like them."
"You saved forty-five innocent children and two Athosians," Kate says. "That doesn't make it better, but...."
"I've had worse missions. Reyes would figure it was worthwhile, but so what? His kids aren't going to think so," Sheppard finishes, her voice gone thick and hoarse. "Because he's still dead."
"You have had worse missions, Colonel. Why is this one bothering you so much? There have been other deaths."
"Yeah, but - you know I flew helicopters, right? This thing, it's like a nightmare, like what happened in Mogadishu. Except Reyes wasn't even a pilot, not really, just a guy with the gene. He didn't sign up for - " Sheppard thunks her head back against the wall. "He didn't die defending Atlantis or the US or anything he signed up for. It's different. He had a family."
Kate crouches down, in careful distance from her, her eyes bright and sympathetic. "Yes, they aren't the ones who'll be easily consoled. But you, Colonel -"
She can feel Kate's gaze on her. The room's still dim, and thank God, she hasn't been crying.
"Colonel," she says quietly, settling down, stilling. "What happened?"
"What, the Atlantis grapevine hasn't told you already?" Sheppard knows the sneer on her face is blindingly obvious, but Kate takes her response in stride.
"I wouldn't say grapevine. I'd say two people were pretty concerned about you, though."
"Two?" She can't help asking. Cadman the snoop and...?
"Yes," she says, looking at Sheppard with her measured gaze, "first Captain Leitmann, then Lt. Cadman."
Sheppard closes her eyes for a second. Wonderful. Maybe next she can burst into tears in front of Lorne or Caldwell. That'd be fucking perfect. "When exactly has this whole damn city developed such a keen interest in me?" she grits out. She's not expecting an answer, but Kate's too accommodating sometimes. Usually, in fact.
"Since the first day?"
Sheppard blinks, then stares at her. It's a Rodney kind of answer; unfortunately, that means it's probably true.
"Crap," she says finally.
Not in denial. Just, she's never liked being the center of attention, even though she knows how to work a room. And wouldn't Kate just love to hear that thought?
Of course, the way the woman looks at her, Sheppard wonders if she knows, anyway. It's disconcerting, and one reason Sheppard avoids her. Back on Earth, the psych tests were easy - the ones who tested Major Sheppard were strangers, easily fooled. They didn't know her. Here, on Atlantis, there is no distance between therapist and patient; it gives Kate an edge that no one else ever had.
And the fucking sex change didn't help one bit. Kate, more than any shrink Sheppard's ever encountered, sees her, and not the facade. And because of that, Sheppard won't be able to shake her off now.
"Colonel," Kate says.
Sheppard stares resolutely past Kate but knows that won't work forever. It'd be easier to stand up, give a polite but curt goodbye, and leave...but she feels drained. "Christ," she mutters finally. "I just -"
Kate waits.
Sheppard forces herself to look Kate in the eye.
"Rodney and Ronon are sleeping together." She shapes her mouth into a smile. "Kind of surprised me."
Kate's mouth forms a round, perfect O at that.
"That...." Kate blinks, looks almost bewildered herself, "I think I can see how that would surprise you."
"So, I know it's got nothing to do with me," Sheppard makes herself say.
Kate nods, then stops nodding, and isn't that just perfect?
"I wouldn't go that far, Colonel," Kate says, quietly. "It's their responsibility, not yours at all, but -" she hesitates; maybe this is not in the Handbook, "it's safe to assume the events and developments of recent days have played a role in this."
Sheppard shrugs, thinking but not saying, no shit.
"You're their commander in the field, a teammate, they're both your friends, and in Rodney's case...." Kate pauses delicately, "you've been intimate, as well. It does involve you. You may not have a right to dictate their actions, but those actions certainly affect how you feel."
Sheppard barks out a laugh that leaves her chest feeling hollow. "You could say that."
Kate very carefully sets her hand on Sheppard's knee. "John," she says.
Sheppard thinks she ought to flinch at that - she doesn't want to be touched, and Kate's her therapist - but truth be told, she doesn't feel much of anything.
"I just need to get some rest," she says.
"I can get you something to help you sleep," Kate offers.
Sheppard hesitates. Drugged sleep isn't as good as the real thing, could even be dangerous if she's left too groggy to wake up and function. "No," she says, firmness creeping back into her voice, and yeah, that's more like it.
Kate nods. Then she actually smiles, with a touch of self-mockery. "I won't ask 'how do you feel about it', Colonel."
"That obvious?" She means to be sarcastic, but it sounds like an actual question.
"Most people will assume, correctly, that you are upset over Sergeant Reyes, Colonel, nothing more."
The knot in her stomach loosens a little. It does bug her, the fact they all watch, all care. She nods jerkily. Jesus. There's something else to feel guilty over, though. She's freaking out over Rodney sleeping with Ronon when one of her people is dead.
"I am upset about Reyes," she says hoarsely. "Just, this," she waves a hand, aimlessly, "on top of it wasn't the best timing."
Kate leans forward again, attentive enough to catch - something in her face, she guesses. "Colonel, no one can be blamed for focusing on one shock at a time. Right now, you're trying to come to terms with Ronon and Rodney."
She looks at Sheppard as if to will her to believe.
It makes Sheppard feel like squirming. "It's no huge deal. I'll be fine in the morning."
"You -" Kate's eyes widen at that, the moment she gets it. "I don't believe that, Colonel." She adds, "And if you do, you're lying to yourself."
Sheppard frowns. "Aren't you supposed to be more supportive?"
The joke falls flat, because Kate clearly is. "Do you really want me to pat your back and tell you everything will be okay?"
Sheppard bites her lips, hard enough to hurt. "No." Then offers, knowing she sounds petulant, "Hey, I might appreciate it, though, right now."
Kate just smiles sadly at her. "Let yourself feel your emotions, Colonel. It's okay to have them. You're one of the most adaptable people I've ever met. You'll find your balance."
"Now you sound like Teyla."
"That," Kate says slowly, "wouldn't be a bad thing, I feel."
~*~
"McKay!"
The piercing call of the harpy, he thinks, and stuffs the last almost-blueberry muffin into his mouth whole.
"McKay!"
Rodney twitches and keeps walking. Maybe if he ignores her, Cadman will give up. Right. Like that ever happens. He can hear her clattering behind him - and how does she manage to clatter in combat boots? He'll never reach the transporter in time. He looks at the doors at the end of the corridor longingly anyway.
She catches at his arm in the next second, pulling him around and to a stop. "Hey, did you hear me?"
Rodney chews, swallows most of the muffin, and mutters, "Half of the Pegasus Galaxy heard you."
"My voice does carry, doesn't it?" Cadman sounds pleased with herself. As usual. He'll pay in Kona coffee beans to be present when something really, finally, throws Cadman for a loop.
"Yeah, like that impresses me."
Cadman smirks at him, hands on her hips. "Like I care whether you're impressed."
Rodney rolls his eyes and demands, "What do you want, Lieutenant?" After all, he has important work to do, unlike the tap-dancing harridan who probably hasn't had a chance to blow anything up for a week, having been off-world cavorting with the Xa. They, he thinks sourly, probably think she's the bee's knees
"I want you to make sure Colonel Sheppard's all right, Rodney."
"Sheppard's fine." Suddenly, the floor is positively fascinating. He and Ronon both talked about Sheppard the night of the Heka mission, before he fell asleep, and they both agreed Sheppard wasn't fine, but that's none of Cadman's business. Besides, neither of them could figure out what to do that would help Sheppard, except stop flirting with each other. Which they agreed on. At least Rodney thinks that's what he and Ronon agreed on; he's never been good with interpreting worried grunts or girls in general.
"She's not, and you know damn well she isn't."
Rodney looks up. She's not kidding. Cadman looks uncharacteristically serious. In fact, this is probably the most serious he's ever seen Laura Cadman. Rodney swallows the last, too-dry bits of muffin, almost choking.
"What do you know?" he demands.
Her face softens, and she looks down the corridor toward the doors to the mess. "I met her that night, Rodney." That night is already Atlantis shorthand for 'The night after the mission that killed Reyes and brought them a bunch of traumatized girls'. He winces at the reminder. "Outside the mess hall. She looked...." Her mouth folds in on itself, somehow signaling pain without words. Maybe she's trying to look the way Sheppard looked to her. If so, it was bad. "And Captain Leitmann said she brought back the brownies the Major made the cooks save for both of you."
He's always liked Lorne. Well, not always, there was that rocky start on the radiated planet where they found Ronon, but anyone who knows to save brownies for him is a step above the average moron in Rodney's estimation. "Good for her." He frowns. There were no brownies in the mess that morning. That's why he'd had to settle for a fried oatmeal cake-thing. Even smothered in honey it had almost left him in need of the Heimlich maneuver. That was the price of being late to the mess, of course, not like today, when he managed to snag three nearly-like-blueberries muffins. "Wait, there were brownies?"
"Rodney!"
"Sorry. But I still fail to see - so she was having brownies."
"No, doofus." Cadman sighs. "She brought the plate backinto the mess. Lorne had put it up, with a sign saying they were for her and for you. She picked it up and then she brought it back."
"But...why?" Rodney feels a growing sense of unease.
"I don't know." Cadman shrugs. "But she looked pretty beaten up and booked out of here fast when I asked her what was wrong."
He looks at her and gets a queasy feeling in his stomach. It isn't the muffin. What if Sheppard...? Oh, shit. He isn't going to apologize for sleeping with Ronon, but that's a crap way to find out. He never meant anything like that to happen. For it to happen the last night the two of them were together? That's proof there is a God and he is a vindictive sonovabitch with something against Rodney personally.
He never even really meant to sleep with Ronon. It just happened.
Rodney hears that in his head and winces.
Actually, this explains a lot - why he hasn't seen or heard of Sheppard - except at the morning-after debrief and conference - for days. Usually, the Colonel manages to swing by and annoy him to death on a near-regular basis, especially since the science labs adore her to the tips of her overstyled hair. Sheppard's the only one Rodney lets get away with that. The last week, there hasn't even been a single radio call.
He definitely feels sick and maybe a stop in the infirmary would be a good idea. Maybe Carson could examine him and find some medical reason for the degree of stupidity he's displayed, because he slept with Ronon after giving Sheppard hell just for being flirted at by some random grunt. Of course, Sheppard did sleep with Ronon first, but it was on a mission...for a mission. Paranoia raises its head. Did Ronon orchestrate the entire thing? No, the man-beast-amazon isn't that Machiavellian. Besides, Ronon cares about Sheppard. The mess the three of them have made is not something Ronon or anyone would set out to make.
Cadman's staring at him and Rodney realizes he's been standing with his mouth hanging open. He snaps it closed.
Bottom line, there's a problem. Usually, he's good - excellent - at solving problems.
Usually.
This, though - this is the sort of emotional quagmire he's spent his life in the labs avoiding. Even people who are good at relationships would quail before this mess. Even Cadman, standing before him with her brassy smile, brassy hair, and brass balls, would have qualms.
She would, however, do something, no matter how feeble-brained it would turn out to be. And Rodney McKay is not going to be outdone by a marine.
Oh, God, he's going to have to find Sheppard and...talk. Just the thought is probably enough to give him an allergic reaction.
Plus, Sheppard is, hands down, the best at eluding any emotional confrontations or confessions, something Rodney's always admired, frankly. The less said, the better. Fewer chances of making a fool of himself. Despite what Kavanagh says, he's not actually trying to do that.
He taps his radio, tuning to the lab channel. "Radek. You're in charge for the rest of the day. I've got something to do before the staff conference."
He ignores the cursing in Czech.
"You," he says, narrowing his eyes at Cadman.
She looks mock-innocent at that.
"Where is Sheppard?"
"Now you want to know," she mumbles, but relents. "Major Lorne said she's in her office, even though she should be catching up on some sleep."
Rodney takes a deep breath and lets it out. Okay. He has to do this.
Whatever it is.
Wait.
"Sheppard has an office?"
~*~
The door slides open for him and Rodney blesses Carson's less-than-ethical experimental gene therapy once more. Sheppard is bent over her desk, writing something on actual paper. Atlantis is supposed to be a paperless society, but somehow he isn't surprised to see Sheppard using the archaic stuff. "Oh, look. You do have one."
Sheppard looks up, a little sourly. The marks of more than one sleepless night make her look her age for once. "One what?"
"Office," Rodney says lightly. The door shuts behind him.
"Yes, I work here. Amazing." Sheppard carefully sets her pen down away from the sheet of paper before her. It looks like official SGC stationery, the stuff used to go out through the mail to people without clearance.
"And by 'work' you mean -" Rodney coughs and swallows the rest of the sentence because oh, right, here to make amends and be nice. Sheppard is watching him warily. No 'Hey, buddy, you okay there?' Just her watchful gaze resting on him. It makes Rodney's palms sweat in a not nice way. The last time Sheppard looked this way was after Doranda. Oh, there's a nice comparison. He really hopes he hasn't blown up five-sixths of their relationship, whatever it is.
"What do you want, Rodney? I have to write a condolence letter to the Reyes family. It'll go back with the next Daedalus run."
He would have thought Sheppard would have already done that, but this is probably a personal letter, not the official notification. That...actually helps. Rodney looks down, nods. "I'm sorry about Reyes, Sheppard. He was a good man." And he was, Rodney thinks. "You'll tell them, I mean, I know you can't give out the details, but you'll tell them he saved Simpson, right?" The SGC probably wouldn't do that.
"Yes, I will, Rodney." Sheppard stares down at the paper in front of her.
"I, uh...." Rodney stops and makes sure - again - that the office door is closed securely. It's just a delaying tactic and he knows Sheppard knows it is.
Sheppard leans back in her chair, looking almost as wary as Rodney feels.
Rodney blurts it out: "Did you come by my quarters the other night?"
Sheppard's face closes off completely. Answer enough. Sheppard looks at a point somewhere over Rodney's right shoulder. Her voice is casual. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because, because, it isn't, it wasn't, not like, you would probably think, and we did, but -"
"It's none of my business," Sheppard says dismissively, voice cool and sharp, but Rodney's learned to read Sheppard over the years.
Rodney opens his mouth twice before getting any words out. "Yes, it is."
"Only insofar as we're on the same team," Sheppard replies, still closed off. Her fingers are a little tight on the pen, though. "I think we can all keep it professional, though."
It occurs to Rodney that he did make a Doranda-sized mistake and he has little to no idea how to fix it. Only, he really needs to fix this, because, sure, if Sheppard said, 'Let's go to my quarters and fuck,' Rodney would be right there - who wouldn't? - but that's the easy part. If Sheppard wanted to go back to her quarters and play chess or stare out the window together or, God help them both, talk, Rodney would be willing. He'd go right now. He'd radio Control and tell Elizabeth that her meeting would have to take a backseat because he had something more important to do. He wouldn't want to do any of those things with Ronon. Sheppard could step off the top of the central tower and Rodney would follow her. There's no one else he's ever felt that way about.
There's a word for feeling like that - well, two if you count crazy - but he's pretty sure neither of them is ever going to say it out loud. Rodney's careful to not even think it in his head.
"Sheppard - "
Sheppard's setting down the pen, sliding the letter into a desk drawer and studiously ignoring him. "We're going to be late to Elizabeth's conference." She stands much straighter than she did as a man and walks around the far side of her desk, so that she doesn't have to brush by Rodney to reach the door.
~*~
Part 25