on music
just when you think you're getting better, it turns out you've been getting worse.
i just can't listen to music. i can't. i can't even read song lyrics. i tried pandora yesterday. i was looking up some switchfoot lyrics tonight.
i had forgotten how much of this would be lying to myself. how long until i believe it?
i find i am incredibly frustrated that he loved me for so long, wanted me so much, worked so hard to fix me and make me happy, and then gave up so easily. i think that was all he wanted to do: fix me. he wanted to see if he could make me happy, but didn't want to keep me when he did. didn't want to keep working. and that seems unfair.
i am sick of these men who want to fix poor broken me. at least when i'm broken i can get along by myself. it's not the best, but it does well enough. then they come, and they make so many things so much better, and you actually find yourself thinking "wow. this could be good. this could be different. this could be where i SHOULD be". but when you're so high up, you only have that much further to fall. don't put me back together if you're not going to keep me. i'm not a fucking vintage car. you don't renovate me and then just sell me off to the highest bidder. i'm a human, and i'd rather never know what Could be if it's not going to be.
this is a request i once made of him, in the form of a switchfoot song. it encompasses my feelings for all my failed attempts at love, his cruel kidness at wooing and fixing me, and my pathetic belief that i was his and would be. and it is the catalyst for my tears right now:
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and
over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have
for me over again
I give you my apathy
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
in other news, getting a little stressy from not working much. went out and spent far too much money at solly's tavern for kostume karaoke (which was AWESOME). it was rowans birthday, and we really wanted to cheer him up and give him a good celebration. it only partially worked. ro and matt checked out around 10, and lisa left around 11. tina and i hung out till about 1, and cabbed home. met some cool new kids (jess, mike and carl are the only one's i remember).
i am hit or miss this week. i'd say i'm on the losing side of the battle this week, which is hurting my sleeping. but maybe tomorrow will be better?